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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
StaggeredTruth
♀ New Member
Member # 29384
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell me I am not the only spouse who feels this way:

My husband has been in IC with a CSAT since July 2010. While he has disclosed the infidelity that has occurred within our marriage, there are main areas he has still not disclosed to me. I know this because in May 2010 I read the first 10 pages of his Facing the Shadows workbook. I *KNOW* this was wrong to do, but I doubted his commitment to seeking help for his SA.

At that time, he was doing nothing for his recovery... and honestly, I was still having doubt if he was an SA or lacked personal responsibility. In the workbook, he acknowledged 3 physical affairs (I knew of one) and multiple phone/internet sexual affairs with both men and women. More importantly, he acknowledged he was sexually abused by a family member. As a rape survivor, I know that sexual abuse revelations need to come at someone's own pace... I did not pry for details and all I focused on was for him to honestly seek treatment since this problem was bigger then him.

He was be going regularly to his therapist and I truly believe he is seeking recovery for himself at this point and no one else (INSERT HUGE CHEERS FROM ME)!

So, 10 weeks into therapy and I feel hurt that he has shared his most intimate details with a stranger yet not with his wife. She knows the real him... she knows the truth. All I know is what I have read and what he has told me (many have been lies) about his past. I have always taken the stance that I will not pry into his recovery. I will let him work on his path as I work on my path with my IC (also a CSAT) however this does not lessen the pain knowing that there is another person out that has a more honest relationship and greater intimate knowledge of the man in which I call my husband, who is the father of my child, and whom I share my bedroom with.

Am I the only person that feels this way?? When is the truth going to come out? I do not want to push him, but when will these feelings go away? Do I have to wait until he is ready to tell me and just "deal" with my feelings of alienation and betrayal?

Thank you to all the men and women out there who are going through what I am going through. It helps not to feel alone!


Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Carolina
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ST))

I found an interesting paper on disclosure for sex addicts:
http://www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/disclosing_secrets_5_02.html

I think the time for disclosure varies so much...I know it must be hard to know that there is more, without having it shared with you. I know that for my H, that the core belief - "No one would/could love me if they knew the real me" was a huge part of his withholding all the details. At first he only confessed to some of the acting out...I think he was gauging what he thought I could handle. He ended up making a full disclosure after he had both finished reading 'Out of the Shadows' and finished his second session with his CSAT. I think that was relatively soon - but he was really like a pressure-cooker...once he had decided to do it...he had to spill all the ugly details. It was a tremendous risk - making a leap of faith - that I would hear everything and not run away screaming.
I hope you get your disclosure soon, but you can help dealing with those feelings by discussing them with your CSAT too.


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this sounds horrible, but I don't care whether the SA is a mental illness with my spousal unit or not. It can hold hands with his untreated bi-polar disorder and take a flying leap.

If he gave a shit about me he'd do something to fix himself instead of pointing his finger at me all the time, blaming me for all of his problems. Bastard.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am new here and my husband claims to be a cybersex addict. He makes a distinction between that and a sex addict - is there?

Also, what is this Facing the Shadows workbook? I am familiar with In the Shadows of the Net - is it related?


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ST - I wish I had your problem as my WH wouldn't go to a CSAT or IC even. I do feel frustrated though because I know I don't know his truth about contact with OW. I know what he tells me, but that is to be taken with a grain of salt. And I know he is frustrated with me because he knows I don't believe him and he thinks I should given he has gone NC for many months now (or so he says).

BH - if your WH is like mine, he will say anything (and believe it) in order to minimize the severity of his illness. For a long time he denied he was a SA. Our MC told him last week he Is depressed and suffering from PTSD. I agree. But does he think he has any problems he can't solve by himself? No, he does not. So as long as he is in denial he puts our M and family at risk.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS finally took the sex addict quiz online. He was questioning whether sex addiction is a "real thing", and says he doesn't think he is one. I said, "Fine, forget who wrote it and his credentials (Patrick Carnes), forget whether it is a real illness or not, and just go back and look at what statements you answered yes to. Which of them are you okay with that you did?" And so he did that and was only able to come up with looking at porn, or subscribing to porn. All of the rest of the stuff he was not okay with.

I told him that I am new to understanding my boundaries but that I know that one of them is that he has to investigate this problem with our counselor, or someone else.

Whew. That was a long time coming.

Compartmented


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
watchingU
♀ Member
Member # 22144
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you have many, many years invested in your relationship (40) before you find out your H is a SA, is it possible to still live with him if he is not in R and yet find some joy in your own life. I am realizing my H is not going into R, oh, but he says he is 'fixing himself'. A dry drunk I guess. But I see him scanning and I found he had checked out a profile of an obvious slut recently. So he is probably not curing himself like he thinks he is.
I can't twist his arm and make him get help. Even if I did, it wouldn't be real. We tried MC and IC, but he was not honest at all, so we stopped.

So I guess my question is, do you think the spouse of an SA can find happiness by building a separate life while remaining in the relationship? Is this just wishful thinking on my part??

Honestly, the only reason I have for staying is financial. My love died months ago. I've been trying to rebuild my life after years of isolation (which I understand now, the SA made our life like this to protect his secret). I've about 95% detached my emotions from him. At my age, I'm not looking for another relationship. Just some friends and outside activities that I enjoy. I guess it is beginning to feel like an empty life. But in reality, it is no more empty than my life before finding out about SA. Only I thought 'our' love filled our life then. WRONG!!
Any of you staying in the relationship knowing that it won't change and trying to build a separate life for yourself??

WU


BW me 60(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M

Posts: 520 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: South
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, September 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno, WatchingU, if I could do that. I am too worried about germs. I think that if my WS cheats again, it will be over. I am telling him that he needs to address his issue for me to feel safe.

Do you do the 180 with your WS? It is to help you with getting yourself better, so it might match what you are asking about. You take care of yourself, and don't pursue the WS. It sounds like you are doing this if you have detached from him emotionally.

Can you get out of the marriage and make a life of peace for yourself? Or are the finances that restrictive? Have you talked with an attorney yet? A long-term marriage like yours should have some weight with financial settlement, I would think, but it depends on the state you live in. Definitely speak with one if you have not already.

Compartmented


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband claims to be a cybersex addict. He makes a distinction between that and a sex addict

Don't you just love SA reasoning - lol. Because adding the word "cyber" means that it's not a sex addiction?

The Facing the Shadowsworkbook is a companion piece to Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. My H got the workbook from his CSAT.


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am new here and my husband claims to be a cybersex addict. He makes a distinction between that and a sex addict - is there?

No. If it involves sex in any way, shape or from, it's sex addiction. Period. No distinction. That is a rationalization on his part.
Also, what is this Facing the Shadows workbook? I am familiar with In the Shadows of the Net - is it related?

"Facing the Shadow" is the companion workbook to "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes.

"In The Shadows of The Net: Breaking Free from Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior" is another book by Patrick Carnes which focuses on that branch of SA. So they are related in that they are all by the same author and all deal with SA.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 10:42 AM, October 1st (Friday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is it possible to still live with him if he is not in R and yet find some joy in your own life.

I think only you can answer that for you. I know a couple of the people in my COSA group remain in marriages with SA's not in recovery - for various reasons - financial, time invested etc. Only you will know if you can detach at a level that will let you be happy in your marriage. ((hugs))


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, October 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ staggered truth ... to your "does anyone else feel this way" concerning SA spouses not disclosing... you put into words EXACTLy what I am feeling-- it is so painful b/c it feels that my SA H is not committed to taking steps to heal when he withholds things that would be signs of adhering to the process.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Staggered: I feel the same way and this is one of the big reasons I filed for D. What kind of M do I have if my WH can't be honest with me. I am not waiting any longer then the year I already have. He is still getting angry then he gets a fix and is the nicest guy you ever met. This has been going on for months. He is in denial, b lames me, is now in IC only because I filed.
We all deserve better no matter how long the M is. They had choices. My WH is some other guy now. SA is an intimacy disorder. If there is no intimacy welll what the heck do we have. Life is so short and I decided I am not pushing anyone to fix what they broke.

My WH is doing so many other things for me but still lies and can't talk about the A. We have been to MC and he lied there too.

I am done. He needs to step up to the plate and that's it. I don't feel like spending years in therapy unless I see him working as hard as me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
rugsatwork
♀ Member
Member # 29057
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have gotten some great help from another SI member on this topic. Wow! I never thought to look at his ONS's in this light.

Masterbation addiction? WH would m/b daily, sometimes twice and perhaps even three times per day. To porn movies he had in what I called the porn room. I knew this was going on, I stated my displeasure with it but WH said it was for his prostrate health.

Porn his guy frinds send via email is truly disgusting, I am not a prude, this stuff is raw. Lots of it.

I have been reading up on m/b addiction. Has helped me very much to understand a little bit more about his behavior.

Very disturbing as we R. Now I want to bring this up to WH for discussion. Expect my thoughts will be looked upon in total disagreement. Won't push the point at first but will not give up or give in.

How did you approach this subject to your WS?


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rugsatwork
Just so you can find the help and information you need, there is no distinction when it comes to sex addiction. Masturbation. Porn. Strippers. ONS. LTA. Whatever it is the addict does to get his/her fix it is simply sex addiction (SA).

On page three of this thread you will find my post with a long list of advice and recommendations for newbies.

In terms of how to approach him... don't yet. Do the research and read the books I recommend. Find a counselor for yourself (either a CSAT {info in the post on page 3} or someone with experience treating spouses of SA) and go from there. Once you know enough and you're working your recovery (being married to a SA is a trauma and you will go through recovery) you'll know when and how to approach him. Boundaries are going to be vital. The best way to learn how to set them is to work with a counselor. Getting advice here didn't help me with boundaries, neither did just reading books, it wasn't until I worked with my IC that I was really able to get it and set good boundaries.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join... but we're a great bunch, really!

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
TenaciousBW
♀ New Member
Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I havent posted for awhile. But I guess my news would be that my husband has stopped being verbally abusive and stopped screaming at me that he doesnt love anymore and wants a divorce. He is off the computer except for at work and no social networking. For the past two months it has been peace and quiet in the house and he has decided he wants to be married to me with no more sitting on the fence about that. He is still seeing his CSAT weekly but hasnt been to 12 step in 3 weeks. I have said nothing.

And I have been differnt too. I have stopped obsessing. Stopped asking, stopped investigating. I just live, almost as if nothing ever happened and it feels good to feel something like a normal human being because I havent felt like a normal human being in the past couple of years. And its nice to not have cried or screamed in a long time.

The bad news. Even tho there is no more screaming and tears there is also no romance, or sex or much of any loving gestures. And H is lost in depression and no medication or therapy yet has helped. I am lonely and wish I could excite this man in some way but I cant. We try to have sex but nothing ever happens and tho he still pleasures me I cant help but find the tears run down my face and I wonder if its ever going to happen for us again cuz this, the way it is- sucks big time.

He tells me that he has always been miserable. Even during the acting out, even when he thought he was in love with the other woman. So then I wonder why he was a able to be a sex machine and be depressed then but with me there is nothing.

I blame my weight partly. I am very overweight right now. He says it has nothing to do with me.

So Im grateful for the huge improvement. But....I know that at some point, I need more.

As for as him working the program. He never really talks to me about any of it. It seems his CSAT and him work on his child hood issues and parents alcoholism and not his sex addiction. But the huge news is he is not blaming the marriage for his unappiness anymore....or at the moment anyways. And a few months back he was blaming blaming and more blaming all his affairs on his unhappy marriage. So....I guess we are improving right?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tenacious,
First no way is weight ANY part of the equation here.

Remember that Sex addiction is not really about sex or the intimate attraction. It is a fix.

He wasn't a sex machine. He was an addict desperately seeking relief from pain, emotions, intimacy, real life.

There was no love, no passion, just a fix.

I know my SAH (at his good moments) would say he did NOT want to have sex because he didn't know if it was the addict that wanted me, or if it was real. He still isn't sure a lot of the time. That is why I decide what I want and how close to him I am feeling before that is even discussed.

I decided a long time ago to not have sex unless 1) we could "talk" about it 2) I had no questions lingering in my head, before or after.
There is a little more thought to it now, but those simple questions have really helped me to feel less confusion, less responsible for his feelings, and more empowered.

One thing that I am sure I was told in the first days, or year, but somehow missed, was how freakin' long this process might take.

For all the spouses in the early days, or that think it has been "long enough" for their SA spouse to get "better," it takes a very long time. The stages seem like they are NOT progressive, backsliding seems to happen far more than could be good, but trust the process.

You will revert to old behaviors on occasion, don't beat yourself up.

Your spouse will seem to falter in his recovery. Don't focus on it or become scared. This is one of the many reasons to take care of you first.

Trust the process.

It works for those that want it.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 11th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TBW

I agree with TTBW about SA not wanting to have sex is not about us, but about them. I just got back from a COSA weekend retreat and heard that it is not uncommon for a SAH to struggle to figure out how to make those healthy intimate connections with a BW.

I'm so glad to hear your SAH has stopped blaming you for his pain. The agony I felt from being blamed by my SAH for his affairs was devastating and crippling.

My WH's recovery does seem slow, like yours, but like yours he has his break through moments. He recently admitted he needs help for his depression, something he had denied to himself for over a year. No judging here, as I know everyone takes things at their own pace.

I'd also like to echo 7yrs, TTBW, and others, that self-care has been the key to my healing. And perhaps I've been a bit of a positive influence on my SAH. He sees self-care working for me (IC, anti-depressants, meditation, exercise, COSA/12 step) and perhaps that is why he now seems open to seeking help for his depression.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
sawife
♀ New Member
Member # 26324
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Here is a summary of my story - I have been with DH 9 yrs (married 6), have 2 beautiful children, and my DH is a SA.
DD#1 = he confessed after being robbed and the escort threatening to call the police on him.
DD#2 = I started thinking about a lot of things that just didn't add up. Then I started to snoop. I found alot of misssng money, so I panicked and finally asked him about it a few months later (I found out about the missing money about 1wk before having my 2nd baby). When I asked him about the missing money, he denied it at first, but finally confessed. Prostitutes, escorts, strippers. Way too many to count. He said it had nothing to do with me but that it was things he didnt want to do with me or that he was too afraid to ask me to do with him.

I didnt want to know any of the details, I was too disgusted and hurt and embarrased to want to know. We did a few sessions of MC and he did 1 IC. It has been about a year and things are getting better I guess.

But I just dont know anymore. Any late work nights make me angry. Any snotty comments about our lacking sex life make me angry. Any type of critism about anything makes me angry. I feel like I am a walking time bomb. I cant even tell him the reasons because when I try and start the conversation I get so angry and end up saying something that makes him angry with me and then we dont talk...

What made you decide to do IC? I think something is wrong with me. I have horrible headaches that last weeks, I am exhausted all the time, and I am just so quick to get angry. I do home childcare and I am fine during the day (happy even), but once my 'work' day ends, I am a different person.

I think I am co-dependent. I dont want anyone to know anything about us. It embarrases me to think what they would think. The thought of being on my own terrifies me(besides the fact that I just cant afford it), it just breaks my heart to think of my kids without their daddy.

I used to be strong and powerful. Then I got laid off. Then the sh*t hit the fan.

Im sorry, Im rambling on. This is a really sh*tty situation to be in...


Me = BS 30
Him = WS 35
2 kids - 1 & 3
Feb 06 DD #1
Nov 09 DD #2

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: chicago
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SW

I second that! It is a sh*tty situation. And it drags on, day after day. BTDT. I'm so sorry to hear how tough things are for you and how unhappy you are at times.

I needed support because I was overwhelmed by so many issues. Trust, uncertainty, doubts about myself and our M. I was able to get support from family/friends. It was hard to tell the important people in our lives what was going on, but they have all be very supportive.

This was too heavy of a burden to manage without professional help. I don't think I would be able to heal without the support of my weekly COSA meetings. And my IC and MC have been a godsend.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
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