Is it almost a given that someone that has multiple As is pretty much an addict?
[This message edited by hoosiergirl at 8:38 PM, October 24th (Sunday)]
WH and I are almost D-ed. The moment he said "Lacy my time clock for you is ticking out- I can't wait for you forever" I knew it was over. Two days later we decided to D.
I've never looked back the decision and am eager to move forward.
Although, I do still struggle with the feelings that he is actually a SA- because we have a child together.
He's acting like he's still doing 'really good'. He has his family believing he is healed. I have NO CLUE what he's doing.... no a clue... in fact, I haven't for the entire 8 months. He sayd he's good, but there has been no proof since we've been separated since Feb.
He hasn't been into counseling for over 8 weeks now (since we decided to D) because he 'can't afford it anymore- it can't be priority right now'
So I guess I'm sitting here tonight wondering if he will ever truly get better... He told me about a month ago (when talking about custody issues) that he's not a sex addict (said with a cocky-ass tone) and that I've manipulated him and one day I'll wake up and realize what I did to him. He told me that my parents are treating him like a human being and that they should be reaching out to him- not avoiding him. Um.... isn't that a remorseful WH's job to do if he is truly sincere and wants to make things right?
Anyway, I've been catching up on this thread and reading what 7 wrote about white knuckling it....
If stbx has quit going to counseling, is there any hope? I only care because we have Little Dude together and I'm so worried...
How can you go from 20K in outstanding porn debt, to f-ing trannies, to better and healed in less than 6 months of therapy?
Just a random vent tonight. I'm so annoyed at the whole thing- how'd I end up here again?
[This message edited by Lacy J at 12:07 AM, October 25th (Monday)]
D-Day 2/18/10: 5+ years of porn, online dating, and cybersex and $20,000 secret cc debt to do so.
D-Day 3/24/10: 2 ONS's and EA/make out with old g/f
Filed for D 8/23/10
It sounds like denial and he's not ready to face his demons. Nothing you can do but to focus on taking care of yourself and LD.
So far I've stayed with my saWH. He hasn't begun to work his recovery. I have begun to work mine and I'm getting stronger. I don't know how much longer we will be together. Just taking things one day at a time. That's all any of us can do
At this point, if he wants to be in denial and decide he is not SA, there is nothing you can do about it. You have to let go of him. You are divorcing and you need to focus on you. You need to be able to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from the drama of him and his family. You need to relearn what a healthy relationship is like. You need to understand why you were with him, to avoid getting hooked up with another addict. I believe that even if I wouldn't have married my H, with my FOO issues I probably would have married someone who was emotionally unavailable and addicted in some shape or form anyways. While my H has chosen to get real help, I have also begun my journey to healing. It just took us a long time to get here.
As far as your son, there will come a time in which being the child of an addict will affect him. I am sorry, but addiction is a family disease. I always thought I was doing my kids a favor keeping them in a 2 parent home where the addiction was hidden. On our last D-day they found out about his addiction, and it has been very difficult since. At some point, I hope you seek IC outside your church, and discuss with a CSAT when a good time to discuss issues pertaining to addiction might be with your son, as he grows older.
I wish you much happiness and health as you begin this new stage of your life. Keep on working on yourself; you are worth it!
I agree with 7 that multiple A's do not necessarily make one a SA. I am sure you have already checked out her excellent list of resources, and if not, please do!
I would add to her short description that SA's are people who do not form emotional connections with others. The sex is really not the important part of the addiction (I know that sounds like a contradiction). The addict is trying to cope with the stresses of his world and learns to use sex as his/her coping mechanism at a very early age, just like the alcoholic would learn to use a drink to cope. There is an escalation in behaviors, with disregard to the consequences. Much like the alcoholic/drug addict who can function at a certain level, eventually, the addict will hit rock bottom and everything will unravel. Most addicts do not seek help until this happens. If life is going along just fine, the addict will be reluctant to admit that there is a problem.
Recovery for the SA is a lifestyle change, just as it is for any other addict. 12 step groups, CSAT, etc. It is hard work. It is also hard work for the spouse. There are a lot of things we need to do to heal, too. I think (and this is my soapbox) that people think slapping a label on it means we can treat it and everything will be fine. Not really. My H admitted his SA almost 10 years ago to me. There was so much I didn't understand then. This isn't a quick fix. This is years of commitment on both parts to recovery. JMHO.
If your H feels that he does have a problem, he should be evaluated by a CSAT. That is step number one.
Thank you for the words...
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU! I think I am going to find a counselor outside of my religion- I think that is a very good idea. Nothing against my counselors or my religious beliefs, as they have helped me beyond belief- but I do think it will be wise to get a secondary outlook ya know?
TMY, I must confess something to you... But not over the open thread. Look for a PM today
Hang in there... Thinking of you ...
I am still confused as to if he is an SA and how do I figure it out? I thought he just cheated on my with a cyber slut but now I wonder. Oh, he didn't think he had done anything wrong and didn't believe he cheated on me. I had to point out all the reasons why it was cheating before he agreed that he cheated on me. He went so far as to tell this cyber slut that he loved her over and over in emails. He told me that was just "playing games" when he told her that he loved her.
I still havent figured out which was worse, the cyber sex or him telling the cyber slut that he loved her and wanted to hold her in his arms. Each by itself is a betrayal and put together it is the ultimate torture for me the BS. I am trying to deal with all of this and want to understand why he did it. Is he an SA or just a plain cheating creep? I feel so lost and betrayed, I want to figure out where I belong so that I can go to the right counselor and begn my recovery. Can you folks help me to better understand how I determine into which category he actually belongs or if he belongs in both? And once I figure it out what do I do to begin to help myself recover? Any information you can share with me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
I am so sorry for all of your pain. My husband is a sex addict and this site and especially this thread has helped me enormously.
There is another member here that has helped me personally several times, 7yrsbetrayed. She has several posts for "newbies" to the SA forum. Click on "my profile" on the Forum page, then use the search area on the top of the page to add her user name. You will find all her recent posts.
In he meantime, I recommend that you go onto a website called sexhelp.com
It is a website created by Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is the leading authority in the US on sexual addiction. If you think your husband is a sex addict, start reading his books. There is a self-test that you and/or your husband can take to get you started.
Sexual anorexia (lack of sex) is VERY common for sex addicts. Sexual addiction is really an intimacy disorder. As hard as it is to understand, it is NOT about you -- feeling not pretty enough, not thin enough, not sexy enough, etc. (Even though we all feel that way in the beginning).
I found out about my husband last December and we are still together. It has not been easy, but we are still together. There is always hope.
We are all here for you. PM any time.
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and recommendations!
I did however call in for a COSA meeting today. Interesting. Not sure I understood most of it, but it was nice to hear a couple of people share stories that sounded similar. Are there any other support groups besides this website that anyone would recommend?>
In my experience, if a spouse suspects SA, she's rarely wrong. Trust your gut. It led you here.
If you go to page 3 of this thread and look for my user name you'll find my list of advice and resources for all newbies. Please start there and with the books I recommend (Mending a Shattered Heart and Deceived) rather than with books by Dr Carnes. His books are wonderful but better suited for the SA rather than a newly hurting spouse. knutz is right though, I do recommend you look at sexhelp.com, there is good info there.
PM me anytime.
Would like know some opinions. Right now WH is doing two SLAA meetings/week and MC once per week with me till after the new year when he can do IC under my insurance.
He's said he feels like SLAA is right for him and his addiction. My point is how would he know this if he's never been to a SA meeting? He doesn't. I asked if he would find an addiction specialist IC and here's his response: "Right now I want to give this therapy and the meetings a chance, I don't want to be all over the place."
OK, so given the fact that he just (in my opinion only) wasted 6 months with the wrong IC who was super passive, shouldn't he be trying different avenues right now then settling on what he feels will work?
My frustration is hard to keep in check. He, like others of course, has not dealt with his issues for many many years and now that he has the chance for help it's like he's not willing to do more than he feels comfortable with right now. Nothing about any of this is comfortable damn it.
In my opinion he likes SLAA because they don't require sobriety.
He's doing as little as possible.
Focus on you. Find resources for yourself. If he doesn't want to get sober you can't force him.
This morning, after a restless night of thinking, he's clearer now on the issue and wants to try out a few other options until he and IC/MC decide what is best suited for his problem. I knew he would come around and I'm sure you know all too well it's very hard to just sit back. Doing my best!