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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
sawife
♀ New Member
Member # 26324
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I am curious for others ahead of me in this recovery process...Did you share with anyone in your real life that your spouse is a SA?

No. Just the MC knows... I couldnt imagine how the families would deal with it and I want to shelter the kids from this as much as I can....


Me = BS 30
Him = WS 35
2 kids - 1 & 3
Feb 06 DD #1
Nov 09 DD #2

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: chicago
sawife
♀ New Member
Member # 26324
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, November 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The S-Anon problem, for those who are not familiar with S-Anon. I really encourage anyone who has a sexaholic in their lives to have an open mind about attending a 12 step meeting for YOU. See if you identify with this, because I cried the first time I heard it:
The S-Anon Problem (Long Version)

Wow. Thank you so much for posting this. It also made me cry... The whole feeling ashamed thing is what Im feeling. And I hate it! Why am I ashamed of HIS problem?

I keep trying to read the books that I bought and I just get so angry when I read about how I have to understand that they have an 'addiction'. Makes me feel that it is a cop-out. I know it's not a cop-out or get out of jail free card, but it still bugs me.


Me = BS 30
Him = WS 35
2 kids - 1 & 3
Feb 06 DD #1
Nov 09 DD #2

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: chicago
hoosiergirl
♀ Member
Member # 29902
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As of today, no one knows except my very best friend. I found out about the ONS 12 hours before boarding a plane to visit her. My WH finally confessed to his F that I knew about the ONS and he was in IC and we were in MC. He has no idea his son is a SA. I agree with sheltering our children and frankly, it's hard to process this as the spouse.....I don't want the judgement from the outside world.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2010
Here.I.am
♀ Member
Member # 29772
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobody knows except his therapist.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Oct 2010
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are any of you with a SA who has not confessed to anything?

Do they apologize in any way for this trauma? My WH called the police on me last weekend because I am still
Trying to get info from him and he said I was threatening to him because I was mentioning details to his affair that he has not confessed at all to. He
Still says I want to believe a lie a out him.

We wait for them to get it? Are you having sex with him even if he lies and hasn't confessed anything?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an fyi, I have read all the books and gone on the sites. I just wanted to hear from those of you who are in it now.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first found out about the porn, I was such a mess. I talked to people that I shouldn't have, because it was more than they could handle.

I told 3 friends at first. All 3 friends are now avoiding me. My pain is more than they want to deal with, and they are also very embarrassed and don't know what to say.

I told my (adult) daughter and son. (this is not their father) and they have avoided the topic since.

I went to friends and family because there is no COSA group in my state and I needed to talk to someone! My IC left his practice suddenly. So am I left dealing with this shit on my own.

Interesting, the only one who wants to share and understand is the other female singer in our band. She's been so supportive. (She's been there too)

For the most part, I've learned to shut up about this.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
notasaint
♀ Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn2bits,

I am sorry you are dealing with TT or no info at all. Be strong hun.

Are any of you with a SA who has not confessed to anything?

My H confessed only to one OW back in April. He kept this up for 6 months which is why no one was saying he was SA (except one wise SIer). His IC didn't think he was because of this one OW and how he described his feelings. Three weeks ago he finally confessed to two more OW and seedy hotel room sex. The SA is so fear based that he cannot tel the truth, cannot purge the information no matter how much pain they see you in.

I have no advice to give as to how to get him to talk but believe if he seeks recovery at some point he may spill.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help and support. I've been avoiding this forum even though I've known for 22 years that my WH is an SA. I just can't avoid it any more.

Porn our whole marriage. It was always followed by brokenness and a verbal desire to change. But the changes never came. He would go for a time without looking at it. But then would resort back to it.

In 2007, he had a short term affair with a very relentless young coworker. He wouldn't end it but was adamant that he was still in love with me. I was so shocked and broken that it took me a month to kick him out. He eventually ended it and we began recovery. He was so wonderful to me and did a textbook job of recovery. A year and a half later, he had another affair. I had told myself I'd never stay again. But I wanted to save the marriage so bad and was ashamed that I didn't have the dignity to leave. Eventually after months and months, I filed for divorce. A few days before it was to be finalized, he took some huge steps so I postponed the divorce.

It's been 5 months. Last week, a girl at his work started texting him. He tried to hide it from me. I found out. I'm sure they weren't in an affair but because he had set no boundaries and can't get his addiction under control, it could've been a very real possibility. I was ready to be done but could tell that he was really frightened by the whole situation. He wrote her an email telling her not to have any personal contact with him, became completely transparent, and for the first time ever admitted he is powerless over his addiction and needs help. He is going to a 12 step meeting tomorrow and currently sees a counselor.

Today...while going through his email (that he just surrendered passwords to), I found out he has been in contact with his OW2 the whole time. I read some very sexual emails. The current ones were plutonic. But the last 5 months of my life have been a total lie.

He admits that he had a really hard time getting over her and says that for the last month, all he felt was indifference towards her. And yet the contact continued. According to him, she kept initiating it even though he wanted it to stop....obviously not enough or he would've put a stop to it.

Anyway, I just want the pain to stop. The hardest part is.....I know this man loves me and wants to be with me. Before I found out about this contact, I really saw a change in him for the first time ever in saying he needed help.

I just need support. I know I will get messages I can't hear in the general forum. I know this is the umpteenth time I've been betrayed. I wish I didn't still love this man.


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DevastatedTwice,

Let me first say that I am truly sorry for your pain. I completely understand the hope that we all have in our heart for the dreams of a future with these men. I see your story and you, although not knowing it have given ME wise advice and support. I too have a long marriage and 3 kids about the same age. My sincerest and biggest hugs to you!
You love him, you know he loves you but your WH does not seem to fully grasp or even understand why he continues and doesn't seem to care. You can get thru this if you detach from him completely and begin to think of your life without him. As my sister has said "the circus has to end." You have put time and your heart and soul into trying to make it work. You felt this was best, but sweety sometimes you just have to let them go.

You will and can have a fulfilling life without him. Don't allow him to take any more of YOUR life. You have demonstrated that with support you are strong enough to do what is in YOUR best interest and that of your children. Protect yourself now. Take good care of yourself. You are so young, reclaim your life back.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 1:04 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
notasaint
♀ Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastatedtwice,

I will echo what torn2bits said, I am so very sorry. This is the forum no one wants to admit they need to be in. I too avoided it and denied it until I myself hit bottom.

Scroll up to I think page 16 or 17, check out the post from 7yrs. She has been there and done that and her recommended books are excellent. Personally I want to suggest Recovery Nation online. It has helped me tremendously and torn2bits is right, you have to separate your healing from his recovery.

You will be OK, it doesn't feel like it now but you will. Let your H do his recovery, don't do things for him. If he truly wants help then he will get it. You have to worry about YOU. Changing myself to thinking this way (thanks to this forum and RN) I'm feeling better about the place in which I am and feel confident I'll know what to do that's right for me.

[This message edited by notasaint at 11:43 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DevastatedTwice

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.

~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")
~~~~
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I am a BS....just found out after many years of infidelities, that my husband is a SA. I have not read all the posts and intend to do so....but one question please...

Is part of the SA program full disclosure? This is so scary to me. Guess I have been in denial for a long time. Hearing the full truth will be so hard.

Not sure what I want to do right now, but does feel helpful to finally have some answers. Thanks to all for support!


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted earlier...tonight I confronted my WS with what the counselor said about him being a sex addict. After thinking he was faithful for the past four years after reconciliation I found out tonight he has slept with 2 different women just this year.

Now after years of dealing with the infidelity and thinking we were past that I am faced with this SA thing. I am just so exhausted and blindsided.

How many Sex Addicts can truly be faithful after counseling. I am just so afraid of spending another year after 25 of my life on this man only to be betrayed again.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is part of the SA program full disclosure?

If you mean a 12 step program - Step 5 requires the Admitting to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I would think a lot of times that the "another human being" might be the therapist or a sponsor, not necessarily the partner.

How did your H react to the discussion about SA?


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a minute, and am holding a baby so forgive me in advance for any typos, and the shortness.

Disclosure should be part of the process of intensive therapy with a CSAT. I strongly feel that this should be properly facilitated by the CSAT.

Google Jennifer Schneider and disclosure (and families, I think).
These are long and pretty much written for the therapist in mind, but very informative as to how it should be done, the effects of disclosure during high emotional crises, before counseling, and the long term healing involved.

VERY good to read any of the articles by Jennifer Schneider.

It is ok to be afraid of hearing more. It is ok to wait for that part of the process IF the SAH is in therapy.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cleo
Read my post directly above your first post. It's a full list of advice and resources for the SA spouse.

If your husband goes into recovery with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) he should give you a full disclosure under the guidance of his CSAT. The key is that you also need your own CSAT and both CSATs need to be present during the disclosure. Yours for you and his for him. This is discussed in at least one of the books I recommend, Mending a Shattered Heart. It may be discussed in the others too, I just don't recall.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, November 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is everyone? I hate it when I'm a thread killer in this thread! LOL


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here! Always, even when I don't think I have time to post articulately.

I have had a hard week, but difficult to put into words.

When I see my SAH is soooo much better, more healthy, and yet so am I, I know that what we have right now is still not enough.

My SAH still struggles with sharing his true feelings. He avoids anything that even looks like conflict.

He is about to transition out of his program and it has me feeling hopeless that these last factors will never be addressed.
If he didn't deal with some of this after 2 years of EVERY week group therapy (he missed 2 times in two years), and 2 years of biweekly IC with the CSAT, then I feel it never will.

I can't settle. A year ago I would have been ecstatic with the man I am married to now, he really has grown, but I know I need this transparent and vulnerable partner now. Nothing short of true intimacy for me.

Ugh, see? not articulate today!


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, November 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is about to transition out of his program

Why? And when you say "transition out" do you mean he's stopping ALL recovery work? No IC with CSAT and no weekly group?
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
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