Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
notasaint
♀ Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 30th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dazedandconfused,

I'm just going to address the recovery nation part because like you, we have no CSAT within two hours of here so we both see regular IC/MC.

I'm doing the RN partner side and H is doing the recovery side. We are doing the "free" versions (although we did donate as the site has been awesome). I think it's recommend no matter if doing RN or not that you do not read up on addiction as far as on the recovery side. I'm reading a couple of partner SA books and doing RN and have found no conflicts or issues.

RN has been great for me personally. The very first lesson I sat there and cried and cried for an hour simply because whoever wrote that just explained the previous 6 months of my life in words I couldn't. I felt so understood and validated. The lessons have really made me think and I look forward to actually going back and reading over all of them again once I've completed all of them.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
hoosiergirl
♀ Member
Member # 29902
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, November 30th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll second a recommendation for RN. I agree about the first lesson. It was like someone opened my heart and read it. I am doing to free side so far.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone! I hope each of you took time over the holiday to do something nice for yourselves.

Our holiday was uneventful; the kids & I went to our hometown(s) and visited relatives. SAWH stayed home & worked several long shifts in a row, then drove down later.

My SA & I are sleeping separately right now. It has been very good for me. I've gotten a lot clarity and peace from the distance apart. I'm looking at ending the sleeping arrangement on or about 25 January next year. SAWH mentioned Sunday night that he feels boundaries would be appropriate before resuming sleeping together. I agree with the caveat that all of this is to be written down. Which he objected to; I ignored his objections & simply restated my boundary of having them written.

The problem: Immediately after saying he wants boundaries, he said "f'rex- what if you turn me down 2-3x in a row? then what?" I said something about "no is no". Then he just went on a long ramble about how if we were celibate 6-8 months he wouldn't promise not to act out. Naturally I told him if that happened, he alone is responsible for his own behaviors.

Now, I've no idea how the h3!! he came to that conclusion (6-8+ months of celibacy). I'm now thinking 25 January probably isn't long enough to sleep apart. I'm thinking I need to set some safety boundaries up for me to consider sharing a bed again at the end of January. Such as: weekly SA meetings to a meeting where SAnon meets at the same time, every other week CSAT meetings. He's supposed to be doing those things now but isn't.

I'd already been feeling that the end of January date was too close already, but I don't know how to go about setting this boundary & related rules. I've serious FOO issues related to boundaries because my mom is BPD w/narcicissim, ie: none of us were allowed to have boundaries at all. I will do this because I need to, but I'm scared. I'm anxious.

Please let me know what you think & if you have any suggestions for me.

Edited because I hit enter before I was done.

TIA~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 12:42 PM, December 1st (Wednesday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this applies to not only us SAs but to our BS as well

There is an end to grief if we have the courage to accept our personal goodness and our ongoing right to happiness.
-- Justin Langley

Making peace with our losses takes time and trust. In the past, we may have acted in ways that were heartbreaking to ourselves and others. But now we have a new choice; we can walk the road of self-forgiveness and stop punishing ourselves for past deeds, or we can decide that we don't deserve to feel good, that clinging to our pain, guilt, and self-loathing will somehow make up for some of the damage.

Believing our wrongs are too great to be righted leaves us in a perpetual state of mourning. It's a risk, but we can choose to believe that change is possible, not all at once but slowly, one day at a time.

Believing that God loves us and wants us to be happy gives us the courage to make amends and face our past head on. When we take the leap of faith necessary to grieve and let go of the past, we take back our best selves, and the lives we were meant to live.

Today give me the strength and the courage to grieve my losses.


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone asked me about the 4 Core Beliefs (was confused by #3 and thought it must be a typo and that "if" surely must be "therefore." I assured her that it's correct as written.)

I'll repost them for reference:
1. "I am basically a bad, unworthy person."
2. "No one would love me as I am." (Or, "If you knew me, really, really knew me, you would leave me!")
3. "My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others."
4. "Sex is my most important need." (or "Sex is the only way I can get love.")

I asked my rSA to explain #3 so I could pass it along and in doing so he explained them all so well that I want to share this with everyone.

My rSA said:

"To really understand it, you have to take it in context with the other core beliefs. It's rooted in the self-esteem issues SAs have, which is #1, which leads to #2, which leads to #3 and they are all encompassed by #4.

Basically, it boils down to the intimacy disorder that lies under everything, as well as vulnerability. Most sex addicts have learned from an early age that depending on others is a type of intimacy, which makes us vulnerable to being hurt. To avoid that, we isolate and learn to depend only on ourselves because we fear rejection. That's one reason so many sex addicts stop or reduce their sexual activity with their spouse-they start to fear being rejected when they ask for sex, and come to believe that the only way their sexual needs are going to be met is if they take care of it themselves through masturbation, porn, cheating, etc. That distorted belief system leads us to believe that we have some sort of control over the masturbation, porn, etc., so we think we're less vulnerable meeting our own needs. If I have to depend on others to get my needs met, I don't have control over their response or behavior, so I can be hurt or let down."

Hope that's helpful!
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SabinatheOwl
My SA & I are sleeping separately right now. It has been very good for me. I've gotten a lot clarity and peace from the distance apart.
Good. This is a healthy boundary.
I'm looking at ending the sleeping arrangement on or about 25 January next year.
Why? What is the criteria you used to decide on this? What does your SA have to do before this is safe for you?
SAWH mentioned Sunday night that he feels boundaries would be appropriate before resuming sleeping together. I agree with the caveat that all of this is to be written down. Which he objected to; I ignored his objections & simply restated my boundary of having them written.
This is a good initial glimmer that he's kinda starting to get it. However, he totally blew it when he balked at it being a written agreement. You need to ask him to commit to a 90 Day Abstinence contract under the guidance of a CSAT. See page 20 of this thread, the 9th post from the bottom. I explained them in great detail.
The problem: Immediately after saying he wants boundaries, he said "f'rex- what if you turn me down 2-3x in a row? then what?" I said something about "no is no". Then he just went on a long ramble about how if we were celibate 6-8 months he wouldn't promise not to act out.
He's not sober and he's very, very much still caught up in the 4 Core Beliefs (see my post right above this one). It explains his reaction to a T.
I'm thinking I need to set some safety boundaries up for me to consider sharing a bed again at the end of January. Such as: weekly SA meetings to a meeting where SAnon meets at the same time, every other week CSAT meetings. He's supposed to be doing those things now but isn't.
YES! This exactly!
I'd already been feeling that the end of January date was too close already, but I don't know how to go about setting this boundary & related rules. I've serious FOO issues related to boundaries because my mom is BPD w/narcicissim, ie: none of us were allowed to have boundaries at all. I will do this because I need to, but I'm scared. I'm anxious.
You KNOW what to do you just keep second guessing yourself! Set the boundary that in order to move forward he needs to do the following:
"weekly SA meetings to a meeting where SAnon meets at the same time, every other week CSAT meetings." (I personally think that WEEKLY therapy with a CSAT would be better but that's up to you, just offering my opinion. I know my rSA needed weekly to get started.) In addition to signing the 90 Day Abstinence Contract (again this MUST be overseen by his CSAT). And the consequence is that your separate sleeping arrangements will continue until he's successful at a 90 day abstinence from all sexual activity. In addition, be prepared for him to have withdrawal symptoms around the 3 to 6 week mark. Some do and some don't so don't freak if he doesn't, just be aware. And most importantly, during this abstinence contract you need to be doing exercises as a couple to build REAL intimacy (NOT SEX) in your marriage. You need a counselor to guide this as well. A CSAT should be able to give you assignments but if that's not his comfort zone he may ask that you seek out a MC. What worked wonderfully for my rSA and me was using two different books: "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" (http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797) and "Getting the Love You Want" (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291237489&sr=1-1)

If you do these things and your SA can get sober, you will be amazed at how much better and fulfilling your marriage and your sex life will be. You may find that 90 days isn't long enough and you may decide together that you want to wait while you work through the lessons and build intimacy. We went longer and when we did come to the place where we decided together to resume sexual intimacy it was amazing and a bit of a shock. I don't think either of us knew what healthy intimacy was and having that first and then adding the sex back in was a revelation.

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 3:11 PM, December 1st (Wednesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found a CSAT for myself, she charges $130 an hour, so I had to let my SAWH move back in so I can afford the counseling.

He is 1 month into counseling and seems to be wanting recovery, I am just not sure though. Last night he moved back in and come over to me and said that he wanted to thank me for letting him move back in, that he knows how hard it is for me. He had tears in his eyes, and I reached over and rubbed his arm. I did not say anything. Just rubbed his arm.

Now today, for some reason this is bothering me. Why am I consoling him....the one who has ripped my heart out over and over for 20 years. Should I just chalk it up to my being a kind, caring person, or am I being codependent?


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo,
Being kind to your husband in return of his appreciation and acknowledgement of your pain is a good thing. You don't have to be unkind to him. He's working on recovery and as long as he continues to do so you'll often have kind and pleasant moments. That's a good thing.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 7....

I am seeing my own CSAT starting tomorrow. In her bio she says she specializes in counseling partners of SAs from a trauma based model.

I like that as I feel extremely traumatized this time around. I am sure if my SAWH goes to a 12 step program I will do it too...but right now I am grateful to be able to get help for this unbearable pain.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
hoosiergirl
♀ Member
Member # 29902
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I am currently struggling with my WH. My H has been told he is a people pleaser, he cant say no, has no boundaries especially with his immediate family, is terribly passive and avoids confrontation at all costs. He is working so hard to recover. I have been really proud of him and told him so. Today I feel full of resentment. I just cant help but feel resentful that he wasn't people pleasing me, he had no trouble hurting me, but we have to discuss at nauseam how to tell his family we aren't flying in for Christmas. I guess today I'm on the downside of this roller coaster. I'm just scared.....how do you get past the resentment? Why was I the one that got the short end of the stick?

Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2010
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoosiergirl -

WOW, I can so relate. I always feel like I get the shitty end of the stick (sorry, not so nice) I guess that is just the way it is. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

The question is, what are we going to do about it. It is time to think about ourselves for a change.

I am trying not so hard not to be codependant. Hard to change 25 years of behaviour. My thoughts and prayers with you tonight! Be strong, you are worth it!


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just cant help but feel resentful that he wasn't people pleasing me, he had no trouble hurting me

I lost track of how many times we had this exact same conversation a long, long time ago now.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoosiergirl
There's a huge difference in what you're talking about. I'm sure he does "people please" you all the time, you just don't see it. My rSA and I have this same issue. I'm a person who asks for help. I often ask him to do things around the house for me and because he's a people pleaser he often does things when it's inconvenient or when he just doesn't want to and then later he gets angry and resentful about it. I constantly have to tell him that one of my love languages is "acts of service" and so I ask for things but it's always ok for him to say no. It's unfair for him to say yes and then be angry or resentful. So anyway, think about it hard and see if perhaps completely unrelated to his SA and cheating, your husband has said yes to you when he wanted to say no.

That's the first thing.

The second thing is that when he was acting out, his mindset was "what she doesn't know can't hurt her" it's how they compartmentalize their lives and try to manage their addiction. He really was not trying to intentionally hurt you.

This is a prime example of how it is when recovery begins and the spouse and the SA are so not in the same place.

Are you both in IC? Your counselor can guide you through this.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last week in our counseling session my husband said he did not intentionally mean to hurt me. That always makes me crazy when it is said. It just feels like such a cop out.

Thankfully the counselor jumped right on that and said "from past experience you know this would hurt your wife tremendously, right??" My WH said yes. Then the counselor said "So you did know your actions would hurt her but you did it anyway, right?". Again WH said yes. Then the counselor said "So basically you knew you were hurting her but just did not care, right?" WH had to admit it.

I wanted to stand up and cheer. Finally, some acknowledgement of his assholeness.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then the counselor said "So basically you knew you were hurting her but just did not care, right?" WH had to admit it.

WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this counselor a CSAT???

This is very, very important. If the counselor actually said this it is TOXIC to the healing of BOTH of you!!

That is completely WRONG and it damaged you both.

I'm really hoping that that is not what the counselor said but is instead what you chose to hear.

Here is why. Any CSAT or any counselor who knows ANYTHING about addiction, would know that it is NOT that the SA doesn't care. He/she may behave as though they don't care. The truth of the matter is that their thinking is so distorted by their addiction that they are able to rationalize anything in order to get what they perceive that they need. It is done UNTHINKINGLY but it is NOT done with malice. The above accuses your WH of MALICE. There is a HUGE difference.

What you need to understand about ALL humans. We are not rational beings, we are rationalizing beings. We act and then we rationalize to make ourselves feel ok with it. We ALL do it. It's really, really, really amplified in the SA, because of the exceptionally distorted filter that they run everything through.

There is no denying that SAs know that their behaviors and actions are hurtful to others. There is no denying that they know it's "wrong." However, they are not being malicious. They are addicts who at that time were powerless over their addiction and in that state they did a great many things that hurt others.

If you continue to believe that he did this with malicious intent you cannot recover. You cannot heal your marriage if you believe he did these things with the intention of hurting you. This is toxic and your relationship will never heal. This is why it is so vitally important that counseling be given by CSATs who know what they're doing and that YOU take the initiative and read all the books and work hard at learning about SA and how it works.

So, I ask again, is your counselor a CSAT? (If not you need a new counselor) Also, are you absolutely certain that's what the counselor said, word for word? (If so, you need a new counselor.) I don't take issue with what was said prior, but the accusation of "you didn't care" is just not okay for a qualified counselor to make.

Thankfully the counselor jumped right on that and said "from past experience you know this would hurt your wife tremendously, right??" My WH said yes. Then the counselor said "So you did know your actions would hurt her but you did it anyway, right?". Again WH said yes.

This is fine, but what should have been said next is an explanation of how distorted a SAs thinking is and how/why they act out and what is at the core of their addiction, not an accusation of malice.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo, something similar came up in MC with us. I spoke with MC about it later, about how WS doing this acting out to "get affection" also hurt the hell out of me. He spoke of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and how the integrity one is higher up, so yes, WS needs to get to that one and realize how to shape up there as well.

I know that WS has FOO issues, and that he will needs lots of therapy to get to them. It's hard as hell to have patience through all this. I get the "progress not perfection" thing but it is HARD to wait. And since he's not doing all the stuff he should be anyway, I really question waiting.

I keep telling myself I will know when enough is enough, and I keep working on me. Same problem exists in that work - it's again progress, not perfection!

Compartmented

ETA: Fixed the smiley face thingie

[This message edited by Compartmented at 9:14 PM, December 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that is what the counselor said. I have researched him and while I do believe he is a good counselor, he is not a CSAT and that is why I am seeing a new counselor today.

I don't believe my WH was acting maliciously toward me, but I felt it was important that it be pointed out he did know what he was doing, that it was wrong, that is was hurtful to me and the kids and he knew it and still did it anyway. Addiction or not, that is the truth. The counselor did talk about distorted thinking, but my WH admitted he knew what he was doing at the time, he just tried to compartmentalize it.

He is being evaluated today by another counselor for sex addiction, and will be attending a 12 step group. I don't know much about this new counselor he is going to and will find out if he is CSAT and what treatment entails.

I know I am just at the beginning of understanding all this. Honestly, after 20 years of being hurt and abused I am not sure I have the fight in me anymore to get through it.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe my WH was acting maliciously toward me, but I felt it was important that it be pointed out he did know what he was doing, that it was wrong, that is was hurtful to me and the kids and he knew it and still did it anyway. Addiction or not, that is the truth. The counselor did talk about distorted thinking, but my WH admitted he knew what he was doing at the time, he just tried to compartmentalize it.

All true, all correct, all reasonable statements. Yes he has to accept responsibility for his actions. I'm glad you understand the lack of malice. I've seen that issue completely derail recovery for both spouses so it is important. And in no way does it diminish the hurt and betrayal to the spouse. There is no dispute that we are all incredibly hurt but if we want to recover WITH our SA spouse we cannot harbor the belief that they were intentionally malicious during their acting out. (Unless, they actually were, in which case it's a whole other can of worms and at that point he's not a SA he's a Sociopath or has NPD or both, but that's less common, more often than not it's plan old SA acting out.)

It is a long road and when you're at the beginning, it does seem like too much. That's why with all addiction the mantra is "one day at a time."

Hang in there cleo! You're stronger than you know.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:47 PM, December 2nd (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong with the smiley face thingie?

Looks like instead of just clicking the one you want you're trying to type the code?

Trying to duplicate the error...

Just clicking the pic below


Typing the code:

Making an effort to make it post the way yours did...
('')

ETA: Ok, just clicking the pic works fine. Typing the code works fine the code is:
coloneyescolon but if I type it it will make the picture, so in that example, colon=:

The only way I could get it to post the way yours did was to type out the following:

('coloneyescolon')

Again replacing colon with an actual :

My advice is to not try to type them out, just click the pic you want.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 2:00 PM, December 2nd (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
mmjgr
♀ New Member
Member # 30012
Frustrated  Posted: 8:14 PM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay I have been lurking around since July...this is the first time I have had the nerve to post. I have read a lot of great advice from everyone. I had told my SAH that if he lied to me again (about things in the present...NOT past) that I would have to ask him to move out. Well he did....3 times...just dumb stuff. He has been going to a CSAT since August but I have seen no progress. In fact he is still in denial. I have read every book I can get my hands on. He has been to 2 "12 step" meetings. Doesn't like it. He is living at his parents house. I went over there to talk about bills, money, etc...and he threw a check at me. I tried to talk to him but he locked the bedroom door and wouldn't answer me. Wow. He says he loves me and wants to stay married but this behavior is weird. I was really at a loss for words...I told his parents good bye and left. I know this recovery is slow but after 4 months shouldn't he be farther along then this? It is all so confusing. I have a small idea of his acting out....huge porn incident 5 years ago. Said he hasn't done any since then. Had or tried to have an affair last year...said it was just "kissing" and only 4 times. He told her he wouldn't sleep with her cuz he still loves his wife. Does that sound reasonable? I didn't find out about this until July of this year..(they kept the friendship all that time)..and I confronted her. She denied EVERYTHING. Told me my husband is crazy...that they were just friends. I never know who to believe. They are both liars. I have no idea if there is more to what he's done...he won't say.. I am sad that he can't make any effort towards making this "right". I am not a patient person but have had a lot....it was his lies that finally made me think...NO MORE. I thought it was a simple request. At one time I asked him to say he'd be faithful to me and he said he couldn't. Another wow. I gave him credit for being honest but it hurts. And I love him because WHY?..We have been married 10 years...together 13...no children together..but 8 between us. I thought we had a nice life. I am so sad. I wish I felt like he cared.


I am just so sad.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Nebraska
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.