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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo-I say go to your sister's house. Not only will you have a great support system, you'll be helping her out in return AND get a chance to see what it's like w/o SA


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EO-WH & I have used a great "sex" game I bought off of Amazon. It's just a game that encourages back rubs and kisses on the neck and stuff like that, nothing offensive at all. It's a great way to get to know each other again. I can PM if you want?


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bedhead
99.5%. That's how sure he says he is that he'll never act out again.

Unless he's seeing a CSAT, going to SA and working a program, I am 100% certain he will act out again. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when. And like you said yourself... how will you know?

All addicts suffer from the delusion that they can stop without help... but it is a delusion.

EO!!
Long time no see. Sadly, I don't have any advice for you. I have no sex drive at all either but I'm absolutely certain that it has nothing to do with the SA. I think I'm heading toward menopause or it's something physical or hormonal.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex life??? I still have the desire for one but it has been three months since I have had sex and I really miss it. Not so for SA...he had his week with his girlfriend last month and M since

I am making my plans for my get away. A trip to Florida to visit my sister, maybe a couple of weeks ....driving 17 hours but stopping a couple of nights in Louisiana and Destin, Florida to look around. Taking some audio books and music on my ipod. Then I want to take at least another week somewhere but don't know where yet. Want to be gone about a month if possible.

SA is talking about how he is in recovery and wants to make amends. Whatever. Right now I am not in the mood to hear it.

Wish me luck on my vacation. Hope you all have a great holiday.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Frustrated  Posted: 2:00 AM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - may I join you? I was so thankful to finally find this site last week; I thought there must be something out there. (I live in the UK where treatment for SAs is a new thing; they haven't got to the partners yet.) I did have loads to write but it's taken 2 days for my registration to come through and now I haven't got the time. Never mind; I shall say hello and also how nice it is to not be on my own. Cleo - have a great trip; you're so brave.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning to all. I just wanted to send strength and peace to us and the ones we love.

I can't sleep, and I'm not searching this pc for answers. I'm starting to read (thanks in part to 7), and Lord have mercy!I hope we'll work it out.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 759 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Concerned  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All! *waves* It's snowing here & I'm chatty- but I'm alone except for the dog. Who's napping. LOL WH is having a stressful day & so far has managed his triggering but I'm kinda anxious about how the rest of the day will go.

Welcome to runningscared. I recommend the recoverynation.com partner's program (online; is free) & therapy. Especially therapy.

@cleo- have a great trip!! I wish I could be away that long.

Hugs~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome runningscared!

I'm sorry there are not many resources available to you in the UK. I recommend you do the reading I suggest. My list of resources is all over but probably most easily found on page 3 of this thread.

recoverynation.com is a good resource for you too.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to you running scared, sorry you have to be here but glad you found us!

I hope I'm not breaking a rule here, but someone on here recommended Candeo (I believe it may be on 7's list too?) and it has been such a great support system for me. It has a membership fee, but it's not much, and it's worth it.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.candeocan.com is on my list of resources.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. I'm new here as well. I've read through this thread and thread #4 and have bought the suggested books and downloaded Deceived to my phone to read. Two days ago, our MC said that he fully believes WH to be a SA. WH is going to his first SAA meeting tonight. I think I'm still wrapping my head around all this. Just wanted to let you know I was reading and to warn to be prepared for questions. I can't imagine there won't be a deluge once my brain snaps back into working order.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KickedintheGut
Welcome.

Ask away!

One note, be cautious about him going to SAA instead of SA. I personally find SAA too lax in their definition of sobriety and recovery.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kickedinthegut....welcome to the club noone wants to belong to! Hope you are hanging in there!

Well, I feel soo bad today. I have been planning my trip away, but being here now is soooo hard.

I just keep thinking- even if my SA finally is in recovery, how am I ever gonna live this way? His counselor and others say you will know if he is not in recovery or stops being in recovery . I just don't think I will.

After the last affair discovery, he went to counseling for a year, a church program for a year. I had no clue he was acting out again. No clue for almost 2 years. Not until recently.

Now I know he has the SA diagnosis now, and he is going to meetings almost every day and seeing a counselor weekly and supposedly finally getting the right treatment, but I just fear I will have to live the rest of my life with this man never being sure. He fooled me so completely before.

I just want to throw up.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok....Now I gonna spill my guts, and I am sure the proponents of no snooping are gonna beat me up, but the only way I ever find out ANYTHING is by snooping.

I looked in my SA journal...I know where he hides it. He just started it a couple of days ago. Today he wrote that the OW was coming into town for work while I am on my getaway. He has told a couple of guys in his SA group as he does not have a sponsor yet. He writes he did that for accountablility, he writes that he doesn't really want to see her anyway, but it would be so "easy" whatever that means. He had told me she broke it off.

Also tonight I asked to look at his work computer for accountablity and I saw an email that mentioned a couple of the guys were coming in from out of town in January. I asked him about the email and asked if OW was also coming and he said no.

Ok...so now I am going out of town with this crap over my head.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops - hit enter before I mentioned he does not know I looked at his journal.

Or maybe he does know I look at it and wrote that in there just to make me crazy.

Crap.....DETACH, DETACH!

How the hell I am supposed to know what to do or what decision to make. I am not even sure if I should hug him. One minute I want to and the next I want to punch him.

January 27 can not come soon enough. I need to get away from this crazy.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the Carnes' books. Feel about the same as I did before I started them - sorry for SA WH, but not sure I am willing to deal. Read that it is at least 5 (FIVE!!) years to a functioning sobriety "if" the SA is actually committed to recovery.
Question - if you "knew for sure" it'd be a minimum of five years, how many would stay married?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, December 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To cleo-

IMO the verifying issue is a little different with SABSes. I think the gold standard is that we set up boundaries and consequences that will protect ourselves from our SA's behaviors. It's a little different with an active SA (like mine). Verifying can provide a sense of security. Just be sure to move forward into a situation where your sense of safety & security doesn't come from the SA, it comes from you. Harder said than done, I know. It has taken me months to get to a place where I can hear what my body tells me.My body knows truths before my conscious mind does. Honoring my body's intuition feels good. I'm growing. I wish that positive feeling for all of us.

To UnbearablySadd-

My SA isn't in recovery & likely isn't sober, although that last I don't know for sure. I'm unsure I'm willing to wait 3-5 years for him to get himself together. Meanwhile I'm making plans to get my ducks in a row: getting job training, getting financial straight,getting A LOT of therapy, etc. I'm 11 months out from DDay & 5 months out from SA diagnosis. If he can grow enough & show me that the potential is there , that he might get to a place where he can give our marriage what it needs to be rebuilt, then I might stay. However, he's done significant new damage to me this year, in addition to the acting out, that I may not be able to stay regardless. I plan to leave on my terms, not his if it comes to that. I hope that makes sense to you.

Hugs everyone!

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hoosiergirl
♀ Member
Member # 29902
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am staying but my H is currently committed to recovery. He is in IC, MC and going to group. I have seen a change in him. If this changes and my non-negiotiables are violated, I will leave. 5 years does seem like an awfully long time but I think it's easier to focus on today. Right now, he is doing everything he can to recover. It's a long way off but I think if he stays committed there is a chance of a better marriage on the other end. Due to the fact that when we agreed to go to therapy, we agreed to leave no stone unturned so in addition to the SA, we are looking at stress, anxiety, money issues, family boundaries, etc.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bear with me here, I'm having a rough week working through the processing it all. That being said...

I'm sticking around only as long as he abides by our boundary agreement which includes IC, MC, CSAT & SA group. Yep, it's a lot of therapy, but, we're just starting this journey and it's going to take a lot of work on his part to make it but I'll walk beside him while he recovers.

Plus, I verify and he knows it. In the scheme of life and marriage and love...five years isn't so bad as long as things are moving forward.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tough week here. Had a mini meltdown last night. Been reading way too much and getting overwhelmed. Since he just got his SA dx, it's added another level to the crazy that's been my life for the last 6 weeks.

He's truly been great. He's only going to 1 SAA meeting a week right now, but searching for more. We're both reading over at RN at night and he's listening to the Candeo podcasts during his drive time. This morning he called to share what he had listened to this morning and said that he was going to listen to the same podcast on the way home and we could discuss it tonight.

I don't have background in my profile yet. When I write it up for RN, I'll post it to my profile. Short story - accidentally came across a receipt for a gift card sent 2 years ago to someone I didn't know. Came out that he had an online EA that turned into a PA on a business trip up to her area. Right after he got home, he went to a therapist to figure out what was going on with himself and ended it (but then kept contact - "just friends" until this last summer.) He immediately set up IC and MC for both of us. During the last 6 weeks I've found out that the porn that I was aware of ("helping himself out" 2 or 3 times a week) wasn't all. He would call phone sex lines when he didn't have internet access - on road trips. He had been having cyber for years with anonymous women. The affair was the first time he had gotten into an EA/PA. After he ended that, this year he ended up on AshleyMadison and "shopped" (as I put it) for a mistress, but then deleted the account. This summer he found some voyeuristic/exhibitionist site where you masturbate on video with a random person. After all this finally came out - his IC said he showed all the signs of 'acting out' and is referring him to a therapist who specializes in SA, but immediately sent him to SAA meetings.

I feel like someone just cut the legs out from under me. He was very careful and I had no idea. He's a good man, father and my best friend. He only went on the porn sites/cyber when I was asleep. He only called the phone sex lines away on business - which was rare - maybe 1 or 2 trips a year. His conversations with the OW were on his work cell and he never kept her number in there and erased record of her ever calling. He had every base covered except for this one receipt (thank you Amazon for your amazing record keeping) that was completely accidental in coming across.

He's been open and answering all the questions I have. His first response seems to be always a minimized version of the truth, but the next day he will tell me "the rest." He says he's been hiding all this for so long, that he is trying to learn how not to lie about it.

So with all this, I'm so lost. I truly had NO idea. None. And since I had no idea, how do I even begin to build that trust with him again. How would I know? That keeps my head spinning.

We've been having nightly conversations that last past midnight discussing everything about the last 15 years together. During the day, we have 2 young children, so you can see where the energy goes there.


Today, I made the decision that each night we're going to have a half hour to ourselves to just think whatever we need to. I think it's time for me to separate a bit from this and it being the all encompassing thought. I'm going to write out the things that I actually enjoy doing and figure out a way to fit more of that in.

Sorry this is so long. I believe I have been rambling. It's just so hard when I had gotten my head somewhat around the affair to then be faced with the "wait... not just yet... there's more." I had been posting on the Reconciliation forum, but some of the issues now aren't just affair related so I'm not sure where to go. I know there's no roadmap, but what about the basics?

We read on here (and other sources) about 30-90 abstinence period which he's following. But should I not let him be cuddling up with me at night? Heck, should we not be taking showers together? There's nothing sexual in it, it's just what we've always done.

I've put in a lot of time and effort into this marriage and this man. If you cut this part of his life out, he's pretty darn fantastic. Very funny, very sweet, very goofy, a good dad, a hard worker and someone I actually enjoy being with. He keeps saying every day that he will do whatever it takes to make this better and fix what's broken to be the husband he wants to be and the one I deserve. Today he said that he's struggling with the fact that he has to want to fix himself for himself and not for the marriage - but that right now, it's hard for him to focus on anything other than what he's done to the marriage... ok, still rambling...

I guess this is me - saying Hi! :)


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
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