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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Sabina. (((STO)))


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A "stage" or the beginning of the end?

Stage Five: Motivation Weakens; Effort Fades

Like all sprints, this spike in energy and focus cannot be sustained. In fact, it often fades quickly (almost always within the first month). When it does, the person in a healthy recovery will face their first major challenge/threat. Because they remain emotionally immature, they perceive this completely natural phenomenon as a weakening of their sincerity and may even translate it into proof of a lack of commitment/inability to recover. Frustration and depression may be triggered--though this is often-short-lived and not extreme. This fading motivation is the primary reason for the recovery/relapse cycle observed in the great majority of recovery efforts.

This is one of the "stages" of recovery listed on recovery nation. I *think* this is where my H is - the initial "high" from knowing he is on the right path has worn off. He is getting lax about working his program - too busy, too stressed out. Will he pull out of it this time around? Will he find the focus needed to fight his way through this? Or is this the start of another slide? I guess time will tell.

I have to admit, I got a good laugh out of this whole thing last night. At the end of a long, nasty night - I told H that I didn't believe he is sober. He said he has been "touching himself", but doesn't consider it MB because he doesn't have orgasms as a result - it is just "touching". Not kind of me, I know, but I couldn't help it. I laughed and laughed. What has life come to when that is the funniest thing I have heard in I don't know how long? At least my sense of humor is intact.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am past the point of wanting to confirm whether or not my WS is still acting out. I no longer want to have any conversations with him about it either.

I was watching/checking up for a little while again when I first confronted him back in June about the infidelity & porn addiction. He stopped the porn for about a week while he was going to meetings & then quit going to meetings.


There is a part of me that still cares for this man, but not in the way that one normally would for a husband. We have family, history & somewhat of a life together. My attraction to him (romantically and physically) was so tied to trust & respect. He gave every indication that he was a "safe guy" for so long.

When I found out years ago that he had had a PA, it cut deep into the trust & respect. It took a lot to rebuild on that in order to reconcile.

I don't know if any of you can relate to this, but when I found out the level and extent of my WA's porn addiction, I became repulsed by him emotionally & physically. I have very little respect for my WS anymore. The porn thing and the sneaky/lying stuff makes me think of him as a pathetic little kid. It all seems so juvenile to me--maybe that is how I perceive him because he puts on a good show of being a grown man, but is actually an emotional teen-ager.

It also just isn't something I can simply ignore & look past. How do you have a marraige with someone who is having far more of a relationship with pornography than he is capable of having with a human being?

So...we're basically just room-mates now. I don't think I could force myself to want to have sex with him even if I were to close my eyes and pretend he were someone else. I think there has just been too much damage. Sometimes I look at him & think, "I used to love you, but you killed it".

Maybe my feelings could possibly change if he were ever to really work on recovery. I just don't know.

When I confronted the EA woman and my WS wnt NC with her, she sent me a sanctimonious email about how I should be adoring him every day & servicing his needs because he "WOULD" leave me if I didn't--I wanted to barf. This coming from a woman who maybe knew 2 or 3 true things about him & the rest was lies. If only she knew what this "great guy" were really like! If only she knew that he was the one who begged me to let him stay & "give him another chance".

My boundaries are that unless my husband is willing to work on recovery from his addiction--I will remain very, very detached. I need to take care of myself & extending trust & intimacy to someone who will continue to lie, disrespect & betray me is not in my best interest.

I really do wish I could just divorce him & be alone. Unfortunately, I can't afford to do that right now--I really dislike being in that position, but that's how it is for now.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dazedandconfuzed, oh my gosh! What you said has made me laugh hysterically!

On a separate note, at least he's talking to you about this stuff and has attempted recovery. Mine still denies he is a SA and has a problem at all.

I wish my SAWH would touch himself instead of going for the local porn with skin that lives 5 blocks from my house.

Hang in there, he looks like he is really coming along.

Most of us here are still in the waiting game until they "get it".

Tal/Sabina, I am so sorry that things are not going well for you. I actually took out a loan from my 401K to file because I just could not have him abusing me like that because his emotions are out of control. I am just not sure at this point that I want to let him go yet just in case he does come around. He does display the good traits that I married him for. I know how hard it is when you still love or have feelings for them, but like 7years says that can't make decisions for you.

Daily exercise helps me to burn off steam.
You deserve to be happy. If nothing else, life is so short. I sometimes read New beginnings to see what could be.
Hugs to you both.

torn2bits

[This message edited by torn2bits at 7:43 PM, January 3rd (Monday)]


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
scamper10
♀ New Member
Member # 30545
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband got extremely angry because i asked his "drug" OW to get out of our marriage! What a terrible wife I am. To not let him have his sextoy, and his marriage!!. He said he filed for divorce on 0ct 26...I moved out of our home for safety and financial reasons, on Nov 14....he hadn't stayed there for almost four weeks, stayed with is OW because I would not perform for him...THEN told everyone I left him...he was in shock, and when i called his bluff and he knew I knew he didn't file becaues MY lawyer hadn't heard anything yet...he realized I had a lawyer...he filed Nov22. He won't stay at our house, that he wanted because he had no money or anywhere to go. Now he "can"t " stay at the house, so he has to stay with OW. Meanwhile, a Vouyer has been reported in the neighborhood he moved in to started Oct28 and many times in Nov and Dec while he is living there....UGH...desciprition is vauge since its at night...but coincindences and general descriptions ...Could be him. makes me have a "bad "feeling in the pit of my stomach...This is NOT my husband...some SA alien landed and took him over...and YES, Its all my fault! yea, right!! laugh: :

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: pittsburgh,pa
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if any of you can relate to this, but when I found out the level and extent of my WA's porn addiction, I became repulsed by him emotionally & physically. I have very little respect for my WS anymore. The porn thing and the sneaky/lying stuff makes me think of him as a pathetic little kid. It all seems so juvenile to me--maybe that is how I perceive him because he puts on a good show of being a grown man, but is actually an emotional teen-ager.

Tal - Oh boy, do I relate to this. All of your post, really.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just need to vent here.

My husband has been trying to attend a group since mid November. There are a few in our city (SA, SAA, and SLAA) but for one reason or another he isn't able to go to many of them. One that works well is Wed evenings at 7 pm.

The first week he went, everything was fine, except no one offered him a phone number like they usually do. The next week he shows up, no one else is there. He waits a half hour and comes home. Emails them and finds out they don't meet on the 3rd wed. Fine. goes the next week, only one guy is there. Gets his phone#. We're at Nov 24 now. Dec 1 he goes, fine, then Dec 8 no one is there again. Dec 15 is the third Wed. Dec 22 he goes, no one shows up AGAIN. Dec 29 he doesn't bother to go because he called and emailed and no one has replied to him to let him know what's going on.

So now we're at today and he is going to go and see if anyone shows up. He wants to go to THIS group because he likes that there aren't a lot of people, the time works well, etc. His next option is 8 am Saturday morning which is inconvenient for both of us for a variety of reasons.

How bloody frustrating is that?!?! Do you think he'd get anywhere if he emailed their head office?


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BedHead. My first thought is: is he really going (or trying to go in this case)? Are you able to verify his story?


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BedHead - hope your H got his meeting in last night. I agree with carnelian, though - I would verify the story. My H would "get lost on the way" to AA meetings, or the meetings would run late, or insert blah blah blah. He would instead be drinking and screwing OW.

My heart goes out to everyone who is waiting for their SAWH to "get it". I *think* mine does, but time will tell. Sometimes I think he is saying what I want to hear but doesn't intend to give up any of his acting out. I'm just going to have to wait and see.

FYI everyone - Recovery Nation is back up an runnin.

Has anyone done both the RN program AND the Canseo program to offer a comparison of the two? H and I are working the RN program but the Canseo really does look interesting. From the web page, it looks like there is a built in accountability partner in the program?

Sending out healing mojo to all today.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I do know that he is really going.

I don't think I'll come back to this thread any more. The place hubby and I are at is a much better one than most of you guys, and the negativity drags me down. Thanks for the input to now, though.


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone done both the RN program AND the Canseo program to offer a comparison of the two? H and I are working the RN program but the Canseo really does look interesting. From the web page, it looks like there is a built in accountability partner in the program?

Hi Dazd - I know you're looking for a comparsion, which I don't have BUT, I thought I'd offer what I do have - expereince from Candeo...I've completed the support person training and really liked it. My SAWH is working through the program and it's the only thing that's helped him so far, he's learned so much. He's even learned to take his IC seriously. It's been great for us so far. The accountability partner is a coach that checks in with them via email to see how they are progressing. They can tell if they are actively working the program or not and can give them a "nudge". Also, there is a section for crisis and set back where they can contact someone, either their personal contact, or a Candeo support person, when they are in crisis.

I'm starting the student training now. As his spouse and support person, they allow us access to what they are learning to help us understand.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FmrLIer!

I am working the partner side of Recovery Nation. So far I have found it really helpful but I'm not sure how much the recovery side is helping H. It is still early days so I am not putting the program down AT ALL, and it is a free resource (if you choose that route, they also have a paid route). But this is what recovery nation seems to me to lack:

They can tell if they are actively working the program or not and can give them a "nudge". Also, there is a section for crisis and set back where they can contact someone, either their personal contact, or a Candeo support person, when they are in crisis.

If you go the paid route - which H isn't doing yet but considering over on RN - someone does review all your excerizes, but I am not sure how that works on the recovery side. Can you tell me what type of credentials they have at Candeo (OK, I got the name right now ). They are very upfront on Recovery Nation that they are not counselors and not meant to replace counselors but instead are coaches. Do you know if it is the same on Candeo? And can a partner participate in the program if their spouse does not or is not following the program?

I do think I'm going to continue with the Recovery Nation workshop just because I've started it - I guess I'm just thinking ahead to my next step. Thanks so much for the info!


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Shocked  Posted: 5:10 PM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone~ I posted down in d/s today (copied & pasted below). I'm shamelessly looking for hugs. This whole thing just eats my heart away, even knowing this is what I need to do, this is what's best for me & our 15 year old DS.


After talking with my therapists & a couple of friends, I wrote a letter to SAWH. It was pretty basic: I can't heal living together, I need a more peaceful environment, We were good together & I treasure those memories, I want a legal separation. I'm looking for a job, I'll pay you rent until I can go. Ideas about what I want to do about Maestro. I made sure I used "I" and not "you". I edited it twice to make sure the letter wasn't attacking.


SAWH confirmed every reason why I'm leaving. Last night turned into a tirade against me & how I'm so broken etc. etc. etc. He told me I'm deceitful, I'm a liar, a user, I'm broken and sick. He mocked me for writing a letter. He was angry I asked for a legal separation and not simply to separate. He laughed at me when I told him I planned to continue my usual chores & activities until I can go- I don't remember exactly what he muttered, but it implied that I'm not holding up my end of the marriage. This morning he told me I have no right to "dictate terms" of the details.

I didn't expect SAWH to react well, but I had hoped he might hear me as one adult to another. One partner to another. I continued to hope he will behave in a way that he clearly demonstrates he's incapable of . However, all he did is confirm why I need to leave. I'm angry at myself because I didn't love myself enough to take care of my needs earlier in my marriage. I stayed even though every fiber of my soul shrieked at me that the relationship was in serious trouble- that I was in serious emotional trouble. Eight years later, here I am. Here we are.

I'm sad. Disappointed. Grieving. My heart actually hurts. Where did the H I used to know vanish into? How did he morph into this horrible person? I'm comforted knowing that millions of couples go through separation and divorce, I'm comforted knowing that my feelings are normal and average & typical. I know I'll survive. I know that eventually I'll thrive. SAWH has given me a gift, actually. Of knowing that I'm making the correct decision.

Update~

I guess calling me names last night wasn't enough. This afternoon SAWH told me he won't do a legal separation, he wants us to stay together or divorce. Which he had to repeat three times & then ask me if I understood him. I reminded him I speak & comprehend english quite well, thank you; I heard you (SAWH) very well. I guess he assumes I'm stupid.

So its all on the table. I told him if he wanted to divorce so badly (as opposed to just a 'separation'), he should file. He ignored this, not that that surprises me. He says I have until June. He didn't follow through with what happens in June.

Was I wrong to ask for a legal separation? I'm trying to protect myself & we have a 15 year old whose custody & support needs to be worked out. I was and am afraid SAWH would either take advantage of me or manipulate me or both unless I do the separation (or divorce) through the court. And he's already on my @$$ about money.

Thanks for listening.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dazdanconfuzed,
RN has been very, very helpful to me. My SAWH is not working any "program" right now. His IC told me he is not compulsive right now and any further work he needs to ask for on his own. But for me, RN has helped me understand and the book "Don't Call it Love". I am just wondering what my next move is. You guys have your stories but I don't know; are you going to MC also? Did you when you found out? Your SAWH is probably not as angry or violent as mine. Do you have any "happy" time with your SAWH, like go to dinner, movies, etc.? Is seems like all there is is therapy and SA programs?

Sabina,
I am so sorry. I can tell you this, my SAWH said early on that I should be the one to get out and the he would be there with the kids. He also said he did not want to separate or divorce. He get's angry, very angry. This is more blameshifing and avoiding accountability for HIS actions. Did I also mention that since he called the police on ME on Dec. 11th stating that I was harming him that he has been texting, leaving notes at the house and sending messages that "I" need to get help. Called my IC and my friends telling them to ask ME to get help. This is pure projection. They can't face themselves so he is projecting it on to you. The book Mending a Shattered heart has a section that states the divorce/separation process escalates the illness. You protect your child. I have been the co-dependant and allowed him to verbally and physically abuse me. NO MORE!

He is out of the house and gets to see what life is without me and I am peaceful dealing with my children and my feelings.

When I started to play hard ball with him telling him that I will be the one financially strapped, he will have all he wants porn, money, etc. He starts feeling it. He even told me he wasn't going to pay a dime for this, that, etc. I said "we'll see". I had to separate, he was physicaly and emotionally draining me. Funny, RN says that the type/behaviours my SAWH displays/is will exhaust the partner.

You protect yourself. I will pray that you find a job. He knows he will have to pay alimony,etc. Don't let him tell you otherwise. You and our child deserve to live a life that his happy and enjoyable. Not tormented. Be strong.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, January 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Sabina, that you are hurting. {{{{STO}}}}

I am proud of you for being so strong. Stay that way, and keep posting, reading and healing.

Compartmented


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,

I think you do absolutely NEED to get the courts involved and you need a lawyer. It sounds like the place he is in is one that would allow him to take advantage of any mistake you may make - for example filing for D on the grounds of abandonment if you move out. A lawyer can help you navigate all the traps he may set for you. I don't know but it sounds to me like the reason he is saying separate without the courts or D is probably about $$$ - he is probably afraid he will have to give you some if the courts are involved and he is probably counting on you NOT filing for a D.

I'm so sorry he is choosing to lash out at you like this.

((Sabina))


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits - have you come up with an answer yet to your question 'when they say they love us do they mean it?'. I'm pretty sure my SA hasn't got a clue. I haven't either but I'm honest enough to come out and say so. His emotions wax and wane with mine; if I'm feeling positive, he says he thinks there's hope for us; when I question the stability of his commitment, he says there's obviously no hope for us because of my negativity. I've got to the stage where I don't really care what he thinks, I just wish he's be honest about it.

My SA is in recovery, by the way - early days yet and I have no idea how he's getting on, although I have suspicions becuase for someone who seems to be doing not a lot except attending 2 meetings/week and speaking to his sponsor most days, he's very cheerful!


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting article on SA:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much/discussions/messages/8279374


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
What?  Posted: 3:21 PM, January 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, you guys. Just OMG. I just sat through a massive 2 day tantrum. Seriously. He started Wednesday night & finally exhausted himself last night. I've already written a long post down in d & s.

Link here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=388988&HL=30023

The upshot of the deal is: he blinked. He offered me what he believes is an olive branch. He wants to wine me & dine me & play nicey nice. Which I presume will be an extended campaign to convince me not to 'go legal'. For the moment, we've reached a detente. I'm staying in the apt. with his clear understanding that I'm continuing my job training class & job hunting. I made an appointment to find out the d & S laws here. I'm seeing the state employment agency & social services next week. I don't know if the current lowering of tension will last..I doubt he believes I'll go through with a legal separation or divorce this coming summer. I'm leaning toward yes I will file but hope still thrives. Hope that he will 'get it' & turn over a new leaf. I wish I believed that.

His fear and insecurity are running rampant. I believe he has anxiety problems too- for which he finally went to the dr for a prescription. Now, if only he'd take them. *sigh* Anyway. I don't know how long the current upswing will last. Probably not very long, but we need to bring the tone of the household down. The kids are really struggling with our constant negativity and tension and stress.

I wouldn't mind being wined & dined a little, truthfully. I think I deserve a little charm & (non-sexual) affection. But for the moment, this week's crisis has passed.

Now to wait for next week.

Hugs to all~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,

My heart is going out to you! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now.

I'm proud of you though. You are a strong woman!! I'm glad he offered you some "niceness", you deserve it! But, I'm even happier knowing that you're still willing to protect yourself - just in case.

Who knows? Maybe this will be the turning point that your SA needs? When I had my blowout with my SAWH, and I mean blowout, yelling and screaming (something we don't do very often) and then told him he should be kissing the ground I walked on, that he can kiss my ass because I'm leaving and I went and found information on apartments and looked up D law in my state - it was then that he realized, OMgosh, I have a problem. So, on that note, I'm going to hold out hope for you too, that this may be the beginning of him turning over a new leaf.

{{hugs}}


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


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