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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Faith! I just wanted to say welcome. I don't have any experience about Sexual Anorexia though, sorry...

Just curious, why isn't your MC bringing up the note he passed? Is he waiting on you to bring it up?


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for all the replies and great advice. It looks like this will be a day by day, step by step process. It helps to know I should just let go of his recovery...I have been making myself crazy worrying about it.

I have some comfort knowing WH hit rock bottom and wants help. But I also realize SA will make it more likely for him to have yet another affair. I have a great gut instinct...I guess I need to keep my optimism and trust my gut will let me know if WH backslides.

It is so nice to know there are others who have already walked in these shoes!


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". Someone mentioned it earlier in this thread, 7yrs maybe? It has a lot of intimacy type excercizes in it - but I am still deciding if I'm going to do them. The book has some basic principles that I don't agree with - for example it says As don't cause Ds, that As happen in Ms that are already in trouble and heading for D.

I also think the book is too much geared toward M where both spouses are healthy. There is a lot of "if you do this, your spouse will naturally do this" which I'm sure makes sense when both partners are healthy - but as we all know there are times when our WS just doesn't act in a normal, rational, predictable way. So I'm reading through the book and reserving judgement.

If this book doesn't feel right to me, I'll keep looking until I find one that does.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
faith5
♀ Member
Member # 17784
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the welcome. i am following along, but this is all very new and i am not sure how i manage, if at all. i needed to get away this weekend, so i went to a local hotel and slept. it felt good. i don't want to isolate, but i just feel so sad and hopeless and i don't think i can do this anymore...

as far as i can understand about MC, she did bring it up at the very next couple session, but i was "skimmed" upon in my opinion...maybe i was just too disorganized in all my thoughts and sadness, that i didn't "allow" the time for that topic...? a good question for me.

i appreciate all the info and support SI and this thread provides.

edited b/c i hit send before i finished my thought...new laptop

[This message edited by faith5 at 12:04 PM, January 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Jan 2008
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that I keep struggling with is that WH and I were never very close. He says he always wanted to be close to me, but he was flat out mean to me and that didn't harbor closeness. But within 3 weeks of meeting OW#3, he developed a close friendship with her that turned into sex. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that in weeks he became closer to another woman than he was to me after years. He says he always wanted to be close to me but it didn't happen. He was always hiding his porn use. The only thing I can tell myself to make me feel better is he subconsiously had to keep me at a distance to enable him to cover up what he was doing. If he was close to me he wouldn't have been able to hide it. And maybe he could get close to a stranger because it was easier to hide it from her? Could I be right?

In my opinion, you have hit the nail on the head. With addictions, it is said that the actual substance or behavior is just a SYMPTOM. That is why it isn't unusual for an addict to be in recovery for one addiction, but ramp up into addiction to something else. (That is known as "switching deck chairs on the Titanic").

In my opinion, with SA, the acing out is the symptom, but the CORE problem is an intimacy disorder. Your quote above describes that to a T.

I recognize it well. My husband also has this problem. He claims to want intimacy, but that seems to only be possible for him under certain circumstances. In fact, he sabotages any possibility of emotional intimcacy with me. He has also developed "instant intimacy" with OWs, but it has to be wrapped up in a cocoon of fantasy where he projects an illusion of himself and controls the situation through manipulating what the OW knows and doesn't know.

He is unable to be emotionally intimate with me because there isn't the fantasy/illusion factor.

For me, one of the most damaging aspects of being the partner of an SA is this: it's much harder to hide behind your spouse with other addictions. If my spouse were, for instance, a heroin addict, sooner or later it would become pretty apparent to everyone as an addiction. If my spouse were smoking crack, it would be much harder for him to blame his partner. He could try to say he stuck needles in his arm or smoked crack because I wasn't "meeting his needs" in one way or another. He could try to tell himself it was all my fault, and he could tell others that...but it wouldn't get much mileage.

With sex addiction, it can go on for many, many years in complete secrecy. The spouse may be the only one who has any idea, and it is easily framed as being our fault that our spouse is cheating, or watching porn/MB, or hiring prostitutes. The result of the blameshifting is very damaging to the spouse and their self-esteem.

If your SAWS is willing to accept that he has a problem and get help, that's a great start.

[This message edited by Tal at 12:41 PM, January 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swamped and didn't even have time to read everything but I have to put this out there.

DO NOT do a 90 Day Abstinence contract unless you are both in the care of a CSAT!!!!!!!

It is NOT a do it yourself kind of thing!!!! You need a professional to guide you and teach you how to rebuild emotional intimacy in your marriage without sex. Simply not having sex for 90 days is pointless! This is a tool... a process. In addition there is NO POINT in doing a 90 day abstinence contract with your SA spouse unless he is seeing a CSAT and going to group and SERIOUSLY working a program so that he is completely abstinent, not just abstinent with his spouse.

This is serious, complicated stuff and should only be undertaken under the care of a CSAT.

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:20 PM, January 15th (Saturday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply not having sex for 90 days is pointless! This is a tool... a process.

Yes, this is very true.

I got the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". ... It has a lot of intimacy type excercizes in it - but I am still deciding if I'm going to do them. The book has some basic principles that I don't agree with - for example it says As don't cause Ds, that As happen in Ms that are already in trouble & heading for D.

I don't remember that being in the book specifically since it's been a while since I re-read it. And I cetainly don't agree that affairs only happen in troubled marriages, research shows that isn't true in all cases.

It can be hard to find the perfect resource to help & it's ok to take what you can use & leave the rest or at least customize it to be helpful as needed. There are a lot of non-SA resources that are good ones to check out, especially those for communication / listening skills, etc.

And I agree that the WS has to be an active participant. Without their being completely committed to restoring & repairing while helping the BS heal. The marriage & spouse has to be a priority along with working on fixing their brokenness, it will be impossible to create a good marriage for both until that is in place.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

I mentioned the book. We found it tremendously helpful... AFTER we had both had extensive IC. AFTER my rSA got into recovery and was sober. We used this AFTER we did our initial work on ourselves.

I think the book we liked more during the 90 day abstinence was "Getting the Love You Want" that's what we read when we were still very much in process and working individually and trying to get to a good place to do MC and work on us as a couple.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the order we used the books in. "Seven Principles" was definitely later in the game.

However, the exercises were VERY good. Yes, you, as a spouse of SA, whose situation is different, need to ignore parts of the book simply because SA has it's own set of issues and differences than simple "marriage counseling" stuff.

When I read SA books I have to ignore all the Christian stuff and suggestions to pray etc because it simply doesn't apply to me since I'm a non-believer. It doesn't anger me or turn me away (unless it is just WAY over the top) I just have to adapt.

As spouses of SA we will generally have to "adapt" things to work for us unless they are specifically written for spouses of SA and even then, sometimes the generalizations are just too much.

You have to have an open mind and consider things before your dismiss them. I've found things helpful that I initially blew off because of where I was in the process. I've had to re-read the books and adapt the knowledge to work for me. The key is the knowledge, not the delivery.

Hope that makes sense.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 2:58 PM, January 15th (Saturday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post, & you are right that is a much better order. First the Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love" book, then Gottman. Gottman has done great research but has not really focused on infidelity, much less SA, so he does give much food for thought after some preliminary work has already been undertaken.

I tried to get H to read the Hendrix books from the start of our relationship but he never did. When we went to the Smart Marriages conference, H got the opportunity to get training to facilitate Harville's "Couplehood as a Spiritual Path" course. At the first break, he told me he really wished he had read Harville's books from the start, as it could have saved us a huge amount of grief.

Well, better late than never I suppose!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading "Getting the Love You Want" was a huge revelation for both of us. HUGE. Many "ah-HA!" moments. And a lot of "Well, THAT explains a lot of things!"

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It really means a lot that you think I may be right about how WH could be intimate with a stranger but not with me. It hurts that strangers got what I had been longing for for years


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh crap...I did it. I know better but I could not help myself.

I just have a gut feeling that my H is still in pursuing his last OW from work. From what I can tell from what I found, she dumped him but he was still pursuing her up until a couple of weeks ago.

I sent her an email giving her my email address and told her I did not want to make trouble for her but wanted to know if he was still pursuing a relationship with her, so I could make a decision for my own life.

Crap....I know better. But I just had to do it. I am know he is going to be pissed off.....he told me that contacting her could jepordize his job, but that does not make sense to me. She is not married(has a boyfriend) and she was is not a subordinate to him.

She would not want this to get out anymore than he would. Oh well...it is done. Guess I have to live with the fallout, whatever it is.

Cleo


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cleo

This OW has absolutely no motivation to be honest with you so you can't trust her any farther than you could throw her. You know you can't trust your WH unless he gets into recovery, so....

The only thing you need to know right now is whether or not your WH accepts that he is SA and whether or not he's seeing a CSAT and working a program.

Your decision making regarding your life should be based his recovery (or lack thereof) and yours.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Frustrated  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Compartmented re: 49 days celibacy

At the time SAWH & I attempted this we were both under the care of a CSAT. I'm the one who initiated discussions re celibacy. My SA has a history of initiating sex after I've taken my sleeping pills, in the middle of the night when I'm medicated, etc. I was triggering badly while we were having sex (I also have a history of molestation when I was a teen). I needed a period of abstinence to work on myself, to try and stop triggering so much, to have discussions with my SA about boundaries of acceptable sexual practices in our relationship. After discussing this with our CSAT SAWH agreed to do this beginning October 21, with the initial goal being 90 days.

Early in December we managed several mature, emotionally intimate conversations which led me to believe that we were possibly on the right path to recovering. What I conveniently forgot was that addict's spouses tend to believe that the positive side of the behavior cycle is actually "the real H" & the bad part of the addict's cycle isn't him. This is what I did- I believed he was 'better' & we resumed sexual activity. However, SAWH cycled back into the negative part of his cycle & I had another massive trigger, which led me resume sleeping apart.

So I don't think what we did was a 'traditional' or 'typical' abstinence contract between an SA & the spouse. This was done strictly to help me learn new behaviors, to set & enforce boundaries & to give me some space to begin to heal from old wounds & new. Did it help me? Yes, absolutely. I had enough physical space to put myself together a little bit. I'm just now taking baby steps to heal. I often shut down when SAWH wants to be intimate unless I'm approached in the right way, so enforcing boundaries can be difficult for me because I first have to learn to short cut the shutting down process. I'm getting there though.

As for us, our coupleship, the celibacy period helped us defuse the tension & lower the emotional temperature in the house. I'm in the same place, ie: learning self care, setting boundaries, getting my ducks in a row, etc. but we're better able to share our feelings in a non combative manner. About 10 days ago I wrote SAWH a heartfelt letter telling him where I am (considering a legal separation). This is something I felt was impossible to say to him as recently as last month. We also managed the emotional fallout from the letter in a much healthier way than before.

I do believe a more typical abstinence perilod, guided by a CSAT, could be helpful. Hope
all this helped a little.

If you made it this far- thanks for reading!

Gonna go to S-Anon tonight!

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad it makes you feel better, and I hope that you can accept that in the context of marraige with an active SA, it has NOTHING to do with you.

People with this type of intimacy disorder often have a pattern of doing the same thing over and over again in different relationships. Let's say your SAWS left you for the OW he bonded with so quickly. It wouldn't take long for his intimacy disorder to kick into gear and he'd begin distancing himself from her. The whole cycle starts up again and he finds a new "instant intimacy" OW.

I believe this was a pattern all through my WS's life. On the last D-Day when I found out he was having yet another inappropriate relationship with a female "friend", I asked him to look at this pattern.

I told him that whether or not we remained married, he would obviously continue the pattern. "Imagine yourself in 20 years with a string of damage done...an old man hunched over a laptop full of porn".

I hope understanding that your husband has an intimacy disorder and his behavior has been pretty textbook takes some of the sting out of your pain.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reiterating again, a 90 Day Abstinence Contract is NOT a DIY activity to be taken lightly. You need an actual contract and to be led through it by a CSAT.

Here is info I posted about it previously:

Excerpt from the book "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark R. Laaser

The first step is stopping sexual behaviors. This includes the three building-block behaviors - fantasy, masturbation, use of pornography - and any other behaviors addicts may have engaged in. Just as alcoholics need to stop drinking before they can be treated, sex addicts need to stop acting out before they can embark on the healing journey. {one tool to help an addict stop sexual behaviors is an abstinence contract}

Abstinence Contract:
It is vitally important for sex addicts to stop all sexual behaviors for at least 90 days. They should agree to an abstinence or celibacy contract, which states they will not be sexual with themselves (through masturbation) or anyone else, including a spouse. This contract achieves two basic purposes - one physiological and one intellectual. First, prolonged lack of sexual activity reverses the level of neuro-chemical tolerance addicts have built into their brains. Addicts may experience symptoms of detoxification not unlike an alcoholic, though not as severe. Most people really struggle with this contract somewhere between the seventh to fourteenth day depending on their past levels of sexual activity. {Note, this is a from 7 and my rSA, we both have seen other literature and from experience know that the withdrawal can be difficult for up to 6 to 8 weeks! Though we agree it can START at 7 to 14 days.} After that, abstinence gets easier over time. Second, abstinence reverses the sex addict's core belief that "Sex is my most important need." Instead, the sex addict discovers, "Sex is NOT my most important need." This is why 90 days (though somewhat arbitrary) is symbolically important.

Excerpt from the book "Clinical Management of Sex Addiction" by Patrick Carnes, Kenneth M. Adams

{The partner} must agree to this form of abstinence and accept it for the potential benefit of increased emotional and spiritual intimacy and not as another form of abandonment. A period of 90 days has been the standard recommendation as a period of abstinence. Recently, I talked to two partners who had extended this for 17 months, slowing rebuilding increased physical intimacy until they eventually experienced genital intercourse again. Doing this, they found that they had allowed themselves the time to heal from many of their emotional issues that sex had previously triggered.

Excerpt from the book L.I.F.E Guide for Men by Mark Laaser
Reasons for Marital Abstinence

In addition to the neurochemical benefit, the most obvious advantage of an abstinence contract for the married sex addict is to take the sexual pressure off the relationship. For many couples, marital sex has been full of conflicts, arguments, and emotional pain. Perhaps, you've avoided sex with your wife and have perferred your acting out behaviors to connecting with her. In that case the pressure is from the absense of sex, but it's still pressure. Even if there's been little or no sexual activity in your marriage for a long time, you need to commit to an intentional period of abstinence. There's a vast difference in deliberately choosing to abstain from sex and in avoiding it because of your addiction.

Almost all sexual addicts (of either gender) are unable to be "present" during sexual activity, especially with their spouses. Instead of authentically making love with your wife, you likely are lost in fantasy about some other sexual experience, either real or imagined. You pretend you're with another partner or engaging in different sexual practices. You insist on darkening the room or you close your eyes to avoid being in the moment because your fantasies are more pleasurable than what's happening right now. In effect, you're still having "addict" sex even though the partner is your wife. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, remember? Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

Here is a link to an actual contract:
http://books.google.com/books?id=GAmn8kQXTDYC&pg=PA112&lpg=PA110&dq=sexual+addiction+sex+addiction+abstinence+contract&output=html


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, & spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

Exactly what I was trying to say. You want to, as soon as possible, start replacing the old patterns of behavior with new habits. So it is important to set a bit of time where the coupleship is honored. Some couples that have gone thru Retrovaille do daily dialoguing, others to start may just use that time to really learn to listen to each other about how their day went with a gratitude attitude, some use the time to pray together & perhaps study spiritual materials together.

Whatever is chosen to be done, its goal is to end / start the day on a positive note. It's very easy to stay focused on only the negative & what has gone or is going wrong. Whether or not SA is an issue, its a good practice to set a bit of time every day to connect & be able to "count your blessings" together. It can make a huge difference to get the chance to get into the habit of finding the positive in every day.

In the movie "The Story of Us", at the dinner table they played high / low as a family. So each member got to tell what their best & worse part of the day was. That can also be a good exercise if you agree not to dwell on the negative at that time & have it addressed more properly later. This is also a good time to reinforce why you are there with each other & why working together is worth it. So you use the time to say "I care about you because ______" if you aren't able to use the "I love you because _____" yet.

Removing the negative alone isn't as effective or desirable as finding as many positives to put in place that work to foster a good attitude, affection & leads to a healthy closeness.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unicornsearcher & 7 - you always give such good advice and perspective on things!

She emailed me back, of course it was short and she would not admit to anything, just seemed annoyed that I contacted her. I should know from past experience this is how it goes by now.

I have been through this so many other times and actually was able to heal and move forward, but this time with the SA diagnosis and all the new OW revalations, I am finding it so hard to move forward. I feel like I am so deep in the pit this time.

A few years ago we lived on a couple of acres. We put in an underground electric fence to keep our dog from roaming. She wore a collar that would shock her if she crossed the fence. I watched the people train her....they would throw her into the fence over and over, she would get shocked, and she learned not to cross that boundary. It was so hard to watch.

That is how this seems to me, I feel like my dog must have felt, being hurt over and over until she learned her lesson. I am having such a bad couple of days. This time is so much harder than the other times. I really feel hopeless today.

I keep telling myself, remember, you have been here before, it just takes time and counseling for it to get better - I am trying to see what God is revealing to me through this trial, but I hate being here.

I am returning from my three week sabbatical tomorrow and thinking of joining a recovery group based on the book "Dr. Weiss's 100 Empowering Exercises for Spouses of Sex Addicts: It is run by my CSAT. Just need to get a little more info.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Cleo


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo-I hope your trip back is a safe one. I agree with 7, OW is going to lie to cover her own ass. A NC letter was sent to one of SAWH's cyber whores and her response back was just pitiful. It almost, almost made me feel sorry for her. It took all the energy I could muster not to reply back. So, I understand why you contacted her.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAWH & I are doing fairly well. I have my ups and downs emotionally but he has been doing great in his recovery. Because of this, I was caught off guard the other day because he was talking about weeding through some old emails he'd been hanging onto from people he knew at his previous base.

I recall him mentioning some chick he used to work with and as a side note, I said, I hope you understand our Boundary Contract and he just looked at me puzzled. I explained the part about how he can no longer email other women and he got pissed at me. He immediately got defensive and said this chick was really and truly just a friend of his and he didn't look at her that way at all. I explained that back then, he had a clearer understanding of what boundaries are, (he never cheated during his first M) but now his mindset has changed and his boundaries have become blurred. I told him it was up to him what he chose to do but that I would enforce the Contract. He was livid that I didn't believe him. After a bit, he calmed down and said he understood and then later on in the day he said he put himself in my shoes and said he can't even imagine what it's like to be M to someone who led a double life. So, I guess he's starting to "get it" but I'm thinking that the whole boundary issue isn't resolved just yet. Will it ever be? He's still reading Out of The Shadows and hasn't started Not Just Friends yet, can't wait til he does!

Thoughts?


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


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