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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alexa & GeniusOrAFool~


Alexa~

The stats you list are commonly known among the SA spouses group. I believe they come from Patrick Carnes, who is a leading psychologist and researcher in sex addiction. 7yrsbetrayed has a list of books and off SI resources for BS' of newly diagnosed SA's. I think her post is on p3 or p4 of this thread. I highly recommend everything on the list- knowledge is power, particularly when trying to make decisions about a marriage damaged by addiction.

Geniusorafool~

Unfortunately I don't know anything about cross-dressing & SA except that it does exist. One of my group therapy GFs' SA does this, although he he has been sober & recovering for a year now.


Welcome to the Spouses of SA's support thread. It can be kinda slow here sometimes, but there are several of us who stop by daily. If you've questions or comments or just want a hug, please feel free to PM me.


General Update on me- I'm ok today. Definitely this week is starting off on a more positive note than last week. If only I could learn to keep quiet & listen to what is actually being said to me I might be healing better.


Big hugs to all~ Sabina

*edited for formatting

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 4:46 PM, January 24th (Monday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina - Glad you are having a better week. One day at a time, girl.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask for some CSAT mojo today? H has his first appointment and a looooonnnngggg history of lying to his therapists. He says he studied directly under Patrick Carnes so I'm hoping he's good. So I need "not lying to the CSAT" mojo today, please.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dazd,

Are you going with him? I don't know this yet, because my WS doesn't think he has a problem but I think that the CSATs expect lying, and that the spouse can sometimes be a part of the process to fill in the gaps.

Definitely sending you the best possible mojo today!!!!


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Alexa & GeniusOrAFool!

Dazd, NO lying mojo headed your direction! My SAWH didn't lie, he just didn't bother to tell. He started IC as a way to help me recover from what I thought was one OA. However, he failed to mention his porn use, his two dozen other OA's or his PA's. Ooops! Must have slipped his mind at the time I hope his appointment goes fantastic!!

I was able to go with SAWH on his second visit.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Concerned  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending CSAT mojo for a postive outcome.

Today is the first antiversary of DDay #2. So far I'm ok, but I'm struggling. Not as bad as last week, but Jeez.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!

Would like to hear some reactions your SAWHs had when you 'suggested' or 'demanded' that they see CSAT. What did you say? What did they say in response? Any suggestions on best approach which produced the desired outcome? Just trying to anticipate and prepare for some possiblr reactions/ scenarios.

Thanks!

-G/F?


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alexa071
I threw that list together based on my knowledge and experience. However, you would find all those things in the books and websites I recommend. The post is on Page 3 of this thread. It's also in my Journal here on SI on Dec 28. Here's a link:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/journal/default.asp?UserID=10198&Y=2010&M=12&D=28

GeniusOrAFool
Unless he's already admitted he has a problem he will probably FLIP OUT. What you need to do is find a CSAT for yourself. Go, get tons of advice. Learn how to set healthy boundaries and consequences. Then, you can set seeing a CSAT as a boundary you need him to respect in order to move forward but you must be prepared to carry out the consequences if/when he refuses. See my list of resources (in this post, addressed to Alexa) and start your recovery.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Missy74
♀ New Member
Member # 30433
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exhale. Well today is day 4 of my seperation from my SA-WH. I was doing sooo well. But tonight I met with him to talk about separation stuff. I had a bit of a set back with moving on and 180 to say the least! I ended up pouring my heart out and even hugged and kissed him! It's so hard because he's always been the person I poured everything out to!! I also gave him all kinds of advice and coaching on how he can help himself. I'm not going to lie, it felt good. I know it's only a temporary fix to my pain, like a band-aid (co-addict fix so to speak) and I know that it may have set back my moving on a bit but it felt so good to hear him say that he still loves me and wants me. I want to be loved and wanted by him (however the way I deserve, not his way). I want him to love and want only me. I want him to finally realize what he has to lose and fight fight for me with all of his might. I know its sooo ridiculous to think that there would be a chance but I will get over that in my own time I guess. Tomorrow is a new day.

[This message edited by Missy74 at 9:34 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)]


BW(Me)36 / WH(SA)41
Multiple deceptions, most recent D-Day: 09/10/10
Together 6 yrs, M 3 yrs / 2 teenage sons from previous
H moved out 01/02/11 / 01/21/11 we offically S
It's a rocky road

Posts: 19 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: CANADA
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sabina))) Big hugs to you, the antiversaries can be tough.

Genius - it took me four years to get my H to admit he had a problem, from the first time I said "I think you might be an SA" until he said "maybe you're right, maybe I have a problem". Then it was another 2 months from admitting he had a problem until finally making that CSAT appointment. It just isn't something we can "make" them do. Sure, we can try, but if they aren't doing it at least in part for themselves, they will fail.

Missy - go easy on yourself. Was it "good" for you to fall off the 180? Probably not. But it is certainly undestandable. You will get stronger, day by day.

The CSAT appointment - I don't think H had a chance to lie or evade. It was really just an intake appointment, which I should have expected. H said they went over his entire life starting from around age 4 and the appointment lasted an hour an a half. I think that is a good sign - I have seen many ICs that want to talk about what is bothering me NOW and I have never found one that wanted to look at the whole picture. So I am cautiously optimistic. I am also thinking a CSAT probably does expect their patients to lie (after all, they are addicts) so I am just going to have to trust the guy. Hopefully he is good because there are only 3 listed in my entire state. I will be going to meet him, but not right away. I guess he wants a few sessions with my H first. Even though it's a technicallity at this point, I can't wait until he has an official diagnosis. I'm not sure why this matters to me, but for some reason it does.

Sending everyone lots of healing vibes today.

(((everyone)))


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
anotherOctober
♀ Member
Member # 29794
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Missy)) I have been separated from SAWH six months. It does get easier, one day at a time. Last week he entered a treatment program. I am happy he is doing this for himself but my job is to keep working on my own recovery.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tried to post this several times of the last few days but I can't seem to get the right words out. Every time I start typing I end up deleting what I just wrote because I'm not expressing myself properly. So, this is it - I have questions for those of you who have BTDT already.

Is it common for the SA to have a sucky memory? Or for their thoughts to be so jumbled that they can't think properly - like they think they said something (doesn't matter if it's minor or major) and they didn't. At first I thought he was beginning to fall back into old habits but the more that I talk to him about it, the more I can see it scares him. I'm wondering if he could be suffering from some type of trauma too?

I've also noticed the last two weeks he's already starting to ease up on the little things he'd been doing to make me feel better about all of his previous acting out. Like texting me to just touch base during the day; letting me know that he got an email from his family - just things that are our way to improve our communication and become more intimate in our relationship. I asked him if he thought I should be over the damage already and he said no, he knew it would take time.

This has all managed to put me back into "survival" mode. Which I hate! I also think that the initial shock of it all has worn off and now I'm finally dealing with the emotions of the affairs themselves now that I have wrapped my head around the addiction.

I hope this makes sense. Words of wisdom needed please!


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Fmr,
Maybe I shouldn't pipe in here as it is different for everyone. I think I might have done the same type of thing with my BW around month 6 or so. I was checking in and calling and just dropping an email when I went out of the office. It took me a while before I realized I had stopped and I stopped because I did not think it made a difference to her. IMHO you might want to reinforce that those things were are very important to you, and that you appreciate them. Sorry to jump in but if I can save anyone a headache then it was worth it.
Thanks,
G


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to Sabina, Anniversaries are tough...I am wondering about Valentines day and our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. Don't feel like there should be any kind of celebration.

H goes to SAA meetings 5 days a week and counseling once a week, but he really doesn't talk to me about any of it. He comes home from work and then meetings at about 8 and then goes upstairs to read or whatever.

I feel so lonely. I have got to do something to fill my time so I don't feel so lonely.

Just a vent I guess.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
Ruby7
♀ Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone here familiar with or has an understanding of approval Addiction? Sometimes its called love addiction but I think they can be two different things. If you know of any resources please let me know.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fmr - I've been trying to come up with some words of wisdom but it ain't workin'. The best I have is some conjecture and "maybe".

I do know that my SA lied so damned much about everything that HE HAD NO IDEA what was real or what he really said sometimes. I've been kicked hard in the gut more than once when H would say something casually and he would be SURE he had already told me so it shouldn't be a suprise. He also recently passed a poly that there is just no damned way he should have. I only had 4 questions I could ask so there were things like "Is there anything about your As that you have witheld from your W that she would consider relevant" and "Has there been any drug use in the last year your W is not aware of". He answered "no" to both and "passed" but lots more has come out since then. I don't think he was trying to "beat" the test, he just didn't even realize he wasn't telling the truth! So I do think their brains can get messes up as hell.

I also know that I was always one of those people with no quite but almost photographic memory. I could repeat conversations word for word from years prior. Now my memory is like swiss cheese. I can't always remember what we talked about in the morning. It frustrates me to no end, I feel like it is a part of myself I lost because of all this crap. I feel like I litterally have brain damage, and maybe I do. So it makes sense it can happen to our spouses, also.

It is kind of scary for everyone involved I think.

As far as dropping the "little" things he did to make you comfortable - I think that is a wait and see sort of thing. Hopefully it is just that he is getting busy/distracted/whatever.

cleo - I read your post over on that "other board" also. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It may be too much for your H to discuss recovery yet, but it certainly shouldn't be too much for him to spend some time with you. Try telling him - "I can't make a decision about this M if we aren't spending any time together. It makes me feel even more distant from you". Ask him for just a half an hour a day to do... whatever. Watch TV in the same room, play cards, whatever. Just spend some time TOGETHER.

I'm sorry everyone is hurting so much today.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ruby, I wanted to say that "approval" addiction sounds more to me like a need for validation. In an UNhealthy way, of course.

One of the things to keep in mind as you explore the possibilities of SA, is how incredibly complex it is.

There are so many components, such as a strong desperate need for validation, that you cannot single one thing out and say "hey, that's it, the REAL problem."

This need for validation goes back to the SA's deep seated beliefs of unworthiness or shame.

I could go on, and hopefully will to some other posters later, but wanted to share that little bit.

ETA: Unhealthy rather than healthy. UGH sorry, one typo completed changed the meaning.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:37 PM, January 27th (Thursday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mitehvblonitpa - IMHO - Chime Away! I always appreciate hearing an SA's thoughts. It helps keep things in perspective. Thank you! And, I followed your advice, I just let him know how much I appreciated him keeping me in the loop yesterday.

I also know that I was always one of those people with no quite but almost photographic memory. I could repeat conversations word for word from years prior. Now my memory is like swiss cheese. I can't always remember what we talked about in the morning. It frustrates me to no end, I feel like it is a part of myself I lost because of all this crap. I feel like I litterally have brain damage, and maybe I do. So it makes sense it can happen to our spouses, also.

dazd-OMG, so very true! I find that when he says something of import, I replay it back in my head so I won't forget it. If that makes sense...?


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Fmr,
Something that probably doesn't need to be said here is that all of us (SAs) have done many bad things but we are not bad people....we need to know what you need and want. Because in recovery we learn that helping others and getting out of ourselves is our Higher Power's wish for us and it helps us get and stay sober...
Thanks,
G


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there dazd!

Glad your H saw the CSAT. I remember how hard it was to wait the couple of weeks for the real work to begin in the sessions with my H and his CSAT. I am so glad for you he has started on the right path!

Yeah, having a bad week. Communication has always been a problem for my H, and everything is so fragile right now. I am hoping that over the weekend we can connect a little more.

It is really hard when they have to go to these meetings every night. I know he needs to do it and I am glad he is willing, but it makes it hard after he has worked a long day, went to a meeting and then comes home to an woman struggling with her emotions.

I know it will all work out one way or the other in time.
I am just so sick of this ride.

Cleo

[This message edited by cleo at 6:34 PM, January 27th (Thursday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
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