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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
BetrayedandLost
♀ Member
Member # 15994
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he will look at the eval with a CSAT a little down the road. He wants to go to a few more sessions with his current IC and wants to attend a few more groups. He says he understands what I need and what I'm asking but too much thrown at him at once will just be frustrating.

His IC is really looking at a possible ADD diagnosis right now....and I think he's trying to tell me he can't handle that many dx's at the same time.

He is being transparent and I believe there haven't been strip clubs/hookers/online porn etc. Mostly because I pretty well track his every move...and know about where the majority of our money goes. Since finding out about the PA...I have went through every single CC bill for the past year.....

But...while I believe he's being honest....I'm prepared to hear that he's not. Nothing would surprise me at this point really.

As for masturbation....I know he does it....I just don't know how often. I haven't asked. I figure if he wants me to know he'll tell me.


Me:37 WH 38
4 kids 8,6,3& 1
DD1: 8/3/07. 2 Mo online EA
DDay#2 11/1/10 2 Month EA/PA with ho-sistant
DD#3 1/14/11 False R...nc broken
DD#4 1/17/11 admitted continued PA
Trying

Posts: 520 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: OH
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just saying that sex addicts are very good at hiding their addiction. It's so much easier to hide than drugs or alcohol or gambling.

Sad but true! Like 7, I was totally oblivious to what my SA was doing the entire time we were married. Now that he's on the road to recovery, I'm seeing the real him again...the man that was there, just beneath the surface the last couple of years.

Have you had a chance to check out Recovery Nation or Candeo? They are both online tools. My SA uses Candeo and he loves it.


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
aminuts
Member
Member # 27112
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing alot of reading about SA and believe my WH is.

Can someone explain 'white knuckling' a bit more to me. I cant really find much info in regard to it other than that is common.

The reason I ask is because since D-Day in 2010 he swears that he just doesnt want that lifestyle anymore and has no desire for anyone else. He spent the past 20 years of our marriage chasing the 'fix' so to speak but now, since I discovered everything and he admitted so much he says he suddenly doesnt have those feeling anymore.

I just dont believe it. He used to watch porn nearly everyday, Now he says he has no interest in it and his explanation is that he just doenst want to anymore.

I keep asking him where this desire, drive and need for sex and admiration from another person went. All he says is that its not there anymore.

Can someone help me understand whats going on. I know it doesnt just go away, I'm not stupid. But how can he be 'white knuckling' it, if thats even what this is right now.

What am I missing?


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2010
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More conversation last night: this time about the porn addiction specifically. I asked questions, which I think he answered truthfully. There's still lots of defensiveness and self-protection there, but the gist of it is that when he went to some SA meetings, and heard the other people talk, he realized that he DID have an addiction.

He says he's going back, starting next Monday.

Here's how I feel at this point: Sometimes I feel like I discovered my husband was already secretely married when he got involved with me and later married me. I feel like my husband has been in a very committed, very bonded long-term relationship with his addiction all along. I think the porn & fantasy & sexual acting out has been his primary relationship since he was very young. It was there through two brief marraiges, through one long-term marraige (with me), through all of the raising of kids, etc.

When I first started getting red flags & gut instinct feelings about the SA early on, I saw the porn almost as an OW. It felt like a threat to our marraige, especially when he would lie about it, defend it, hide it, hoard it, protect it, in the way he did.

Now I feel more that I was like the OW all along. I was a threat to his primary relationship, not the other way around.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hiccup

[This message edited by Tal at 3:02 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hiccup

[This message edited by Tal at 3:10 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hiccup

[This message edited by Tal at 3:14 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry guys, I'm having an interet connection malfunction!

[This message edited by Tal at 3:22 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is being transparent and I believe there haven't been strip clubs/hookers/online porn etc. Mostly because I pretty well track his every move...and know about where the majority of our money goes. Since finding out about the PA...I have went through every single CC bill for the past year.....

I don't mean to be so negative or to doubt your tracking abilities, but tracking porn/mb is very hard to do. You have access to all the 'known' computers in your home and you may even have a router which monitors the activity on all or universal porn filters in place, but there are ways around this which are very easy. And, porn is free. It doesn't cost anything. No $$$ or paper trail there.

I am just saying to assume nothing. Just because you are not catching him does not mean he is not doing it. Of course, this makes the situation unbearable because it is so hard to tell with a good actor and a polished liar if they are being truthful. I am not judging your H in particular, but really just thinking of my own and my experiences with him.

I wish you all the best in all this...for the best outcome possible for you.

[This message edited by GeniusOrAFool at 4:50 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I ask is because since D-Day in 2010 he swears that he just doesnt want that lifestyle anymore and has no desire for anyone else. He spent the past 20 years of our marriage chasing the 'fix' so to speak but now, since I discovered everything and he admitted so much he says he suddenly doesnt have those feeling anymore.

I just dont believe it. He used to watch porn nearly everyday, Now he says he has no interest in it and his explanation is that he just doenst want to anymore.

My porn addict SO told me EXACTLY the same things since I discovered his horrible porn addiction nearly a year ago. He told me he was "done with all that" and that he wanted a clean, good life and that he love me and "that is so far behind me now"... etc.

But he showed absolutely NO INTEREST in me romantically, intimately or sexually. He never looked at me "that way" or touched me or anything. I KNOW what it is to be with a man who desires his woman. This man had no desire for me at all. And I KNOW that I am sexually attractive to most men. Just not him!

And my gut was telling me he was still jerking off to porn. But his computer was clean, and so was the keylogger.

My gut was right. 2 weeks ago, I discovered his secret computer. And it was full of the same sick fetish shit. And he never stopped. He's been lying to me all along.

Listen to your gut. I did. And I was right on the money. He's not going to be able to stop on his own. Sorry, but that's the way it is. They aren't going to change until they get legit professional help and they really WANT to.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polygraph.............just wondered if anyone has used a polygraph with ther SA and if you feel it helped you.

Cleo


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
MoreThanMe
♀ Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed- im not saying he is or isnt a SA. But signs I missed

- my SA WH stopped wanting to have sex with me all together- maybe 1 every few weeks.

- for the first yr post dday I know for a fact he WASNT looking at porn but now I know he WAS compulsively masterbating.

And-
We made the mistake of not seeing a CSAT only an IC- big mistake. I know $ is an issue- but if he is an SA you will end up paying 10x more even if u get divorced. And your deserve the chance at a dad who has his shit together. Do you have cable? Turn it off- theres one counseling appt/ month.

Im sorry that ur here. I hope hope hope he doesnt have SA.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 694 | Registered: Sep 2009
BetrayedandLost
♀ Member
Member # 15994
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the continued support/information.

In reading over ADD stuff....it looks like many people with ADD 'think' they have a sex addition when in fact it is just their mind constantly racing and searching out for high stimulation. I have NO doubt the man is ADD......I have a really hard time believing that he is SA. Is it possible that this was just the beginning of an addiction and we caught it before it got out of hand??? Is that even possible?

His drive at home never changed except that we weren't active because I was in my third trimester...and neither of us are very interested then. This was our 4th child....so that wasn't out of the ordinary.

I had him take that SAST (I think?) self quiz thing.....his results were that he HAD MET the criteria and his number was an 8. On the graph they use....it was just 'barely' over the addiction mark.

Thoughts?

Like I said....I am sure we will try to see that CSAT at some point. I would really like to use them for MC as they specialize in infidelity. But we aren't too the MC point yet.....both of us have to much shit to work on before we get there.


Me:37 WH 38
4 kids 8,6,3& 1
DD1: 8/3/07. 2 Mo online EA
DDay#2 11/1/10 2 Month EA/PA with ho-sistant
DD#3 1/14/11 False R...nc broken
DD#4 1/17/11 admitted continued PA
Trying

Posts: 520 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: OH
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am no expert by any means. I can tell you that my WS has always had a high level of intimacy disorder, but only had a low/moderate level of acting out for many years.

The acting out went into high gear about 4 years ago. It was progressive, but not a smooth upward progression, KWIM?

From what I know of other addiction models and from what I've read, there can be many periods of binging/abstenance/binging before things get to the chonic stages.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cleo -

We did a poly and I have to say it was a HUGE waste of $$$. See, for my H at least, he lied to HIMSELF so much it allowed him to "pass" the test.

I had the examiner ask if his lastest OW was a PA and he said "NO" and it read as truthful. Well... he had told me she flashed him her breasts with her bra on and that she "tried" to grab his crotch but he knocked her hand away. This was all he told me before the test. AFTER the test it came out that she flashed him her breasts twice, once with a bra and once without. He did pull her hand off his crotch, but not for a while. And there was another incident where she was grinding her butt against his crotch. He had convinced himself that they didn't actually do anything physically sexual even though they discussed it a lot. In his mind, since there was no kissing or touching of BARE genitals there was nothing "physically sexual".

He also passed a question about whether or not I was aware of all his drug use over the last year. Then something he hadn't told me came out after the poly. He was SURE he had told me but he honestly hadn't. So he "passed" because he didn't think he was lying. Heck, another OW even came out after the poly. They "only" had phone sex and had set a "date" to have sex, but he cancelled at the last minute so it didn't "count". This OW was from 20 years ago and he said he had thought about it many times since the first dday and felt guilty that he didn't tell me, but he passed on no more OW on the poly.

I don't think he intentionally "beat" the test. I think he is just seriously mixed up in his head. So no - I do not think they are fool proof by any stretch of the imagination.

[This message edited by dazdandconfuzed at 2:43 PM, February 24th (Thursday)]


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does this seem "normal" to you guys?

My H has been seeing a CSAT once a week for about a month or so now. After about the third session I asked H what the "plan" was. The CSAT really doesn't have one other than talk therapy. He said he doesn't so an "official diagnosis" unless it is needed for legal reasons. He's not planning any testing what-so-ever. He said that there have been times he's told a patient that they aren't an SA, but he can tell that there is definately "something there" with my H that needs to be addressed.

Is that typical? I hear other people saying they finally have the official diagnosis, but it seems this CSAT isn't going to offer one. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your input Dazd, I am not sure what I am going to do. I was also wondering what if the poly said he was lying and he wasn't. That would be awful!

I am going to investigate this further. I guess I already know everything I need to know, my concern is more if he is still keeping secrets, then will he truly ever be in recovery?


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Shocked  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been seeing a CSAT once a week for about a month or so now. After about the third session I asked H what the "plan" was. The CSAT really doesn't have one other than talk therapy. He said he doesn't so an "official diagnosis" unless it is needed for legal reasons. He's not planning any testing what-so-ever. He said that there have been times he's told a patient that they aren't an SA, but he can tell that there is definately "something there" with my H that needs to be addressed.

Is that typical?


In a word, no.

I actually find that weird. If your husband is SA, talk therapy is fine but he also needs to WORK A RECOVERY PROGRAM and for that, there needs to be A PLAN. (whether the CSAT gives him "an official diagnosis" on paper or not.) And what legal reasons? What does that even mean?

The Plan should be:
- Continue to see CSAT and...
- Do the Carnes workbook.
- Go to group facilitated by CSAT or go to SA meetings to work a 12-step program.
- 90 day abstinence contract.
These are the things he should be doing at the BARE MINIMUM if he wants to get sober and work at recovery.

He can go talk to this guy all he wants but unless he's WORKING A RECOVERY PROGRAM it's basically just talk and no action.

I don't think this is optimal.

Can you go to an appointment with him to speak to his CSAT? Could he be lying to you about what the CSAT said??

Are you absolutely certain this guy is a CSAT?? What level is he? (They're rated based on how far in the training they have progressed. If he's a 1, you need to find someone higher, like a 3 or 4)

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BetrayedandLost
My husband is a sex addict. He has been told more than once by his CSAT and his primary care doctor that he has ADD too.

He hasn't sought treatment for the ADD and yet he's been sober almost 5 years by working his SA recovery program. I'd rather he work on the SA than the ADD. The SA is what almost destroyed us. It's the greater of the two evils. ADD or not he is firmly in recovery. I know he wouldn't be if he'd ignored the SA and focused only on the ADD. I just know it.

Are they related? Probably. If your husband has ADD does it automatically mean he's not SA? No.

He either is or he isn't but if he is, you can't wish it away by pinning your hopes on an ADD diagnosis.

Bottom line, he needs to have a full evaluation by a CSAT and be completely honest to determine if he's SA or not.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, all. SAWH went to his first IC appt last night with his new therapist. There isn't a CSAT in the local area, but he found an IC that has a Masters in Addiction Therapy.

Just quick catch up. WH went through 90 days of abstinence. Cut off all his patterns of porn/cyber usage. He goes to 1 or 2 SAA meetings a week. He's an atheist, but says that in the last few months, he's been trying to at least see if there is anything in the spiritual "stuff" for him. We've been going to church and he's been listening to the church podcasts on his drive time to and from work which he enjoys. He's trying to see a bigger hand at work in things and his attitude has definitely changed in the past month. He's not so defensive and things don't annoy him as much. He also listens to all the Candeo and RN podcasts (he has an hour drive each way.)

Since DDay, he's really jumped into being the dad and husband that he always should have been. It's been long and slow and we've had to air out some of his preconceived notions of where responsibilities lie but he's been very open to all that.

We're still discussing the affair. I'm having a hard time working past that one, because there was an emotional connection present unlike all of his other acting out. We're coming up on a HUGE antiversary next week for me. I'm trying to plan out the weekend to minimize it's impact on me.

Anyway... sorry about the ramble. His new IC seems to be pretty good. He told him that he didn't want to deal with the affair right now. That first the addiction had to be dealt with. He has him writing out who he wants to be and what traits he wants to have and then show how the SA is keeping him from those things. He also told him that he needs to get a sponsor immediately and that he was white knuckling it even though he hasn't had any urges in the last few months. He said that he needs to have a wider support base and that I couldn't be the only one that was in his support system. He also told him that we needed immediate filters and blocks on all computers in the house, regardless of whether he's having urges or not. Likened it to an alcoholic having a bottle of vodka sitting on the counter. So he's given him quite a bit of homework.

Here's my questions:
1) Does this sound like a good start? It does to me, but I'm desperate for any steps forward and I'm a bit of an optimist.
2) I've been looking at Net Nanny? Is that a good one. We have at least 5 computers in the house (we're both software developers and we have 2 school age kids). I don't want to cheap out on protection. Also, should I put keyloggers on the ones that he would be most likely to use? I'm going to have us pare down and get rid of a few of the systems this weekend, but I want to get this stuff in place immediately.
3) At what point will they discuss the affair? I get covering the computer stuff because that's where all the porn/cyber etc was happening, but it went offline once he found his AP. It just seems like there's so MUCH to deal with (yes, I get I'm whining. That'll be the end of that, I promise )

Maybe I just need to get this out here. I've got an appt with my IC next Friday. All in all, we're doing well it seems. He is willing to talk any time. He checks in. He is now fully present in our kids activities. Truthfully, he's a bit of a stranger. I don't think I realized how disconnected he was until he connected. How the hell did I settle for so little for so long?

Thanks if you got this far!


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

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