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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woot! New thread.


Disco:

If I didn't have to see him twice a week at pick up times

Is there any reason why you have to see/engage with the ass when you do pick up? Your son is 16? Can you pick him up a couple of houses down? I call my kids on their cells to let them know I am out front, so I don't have to knock on the door or otherwise engage the assclown.

Hey, HB! Thanks for the hugs. Hope things are well with you too.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 7:04 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7619 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so sad that we are the most popular thing going at SI! But hoperfully we can educate those in the start of the mess.

thanks to y'all for being there. You saved my life when I was in the darkest times.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK , so backk to the whoel nightmare thing form thread VII - anyone have any advice on stopping nightmares -- other than sleepoing with a burly new body guard?


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Wounded - No the court order states that I have to pick him up at the residence (OW's in this case) and sone would not cooperate with another location. XWH is a major control freak and even as aI am back out of the drive he will walk along the side of the car with his armoutstretched to his precious son and my son repsonds with "secret" hand signals --UUUUGGGHHHHHHHH!~!!!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my gosh, Disco. That is really sickening. Total parental alienation.

Could you have older DS pick him up?

That is just f*cked up. You'd think the asshole would grow tired of harassing you.

Sorry you are dealing with that.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7619 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone have any advice on stopping nightmares -- other than sleepoing with a burly new body guard?

I had to laugh at this!! When I met my new SO, now husband, I was attracted to him because he was/is a large man who shaves his head and lifts weights. Lol!! At the time I thought, "Oh, I'll be safe with him." I didn't plan on falling in love!! But as it turned out, he was only burly and mean looking on the outside and a HUGE sweety on in the inside. Everyone thinks he looks like an all-star wrestler or something. Lol!!

BUT, even with him sleeping right beside me and my 200lb guard dog on the floor, and state of the art security, I still had the nightmares....

Maybe had I gone for more IC, got better meds? I don't know. I do have to tell you that even today almost 9 years later I still have a once in a while horrible nightmare. I just think that after you deal with one of these lunatics, you're always going to be scarred to some degree.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing some research for a topic not at all related to NPD, and came across a recent study done out of Kent State University at Tuscarawas (USA) by Dr. Scott Keiller and published online in Springer's journal Sex Roles.

The study basically says women get the brunt of male narcissistic rath, and this is likely due to "women's unparalleled potential for gratifying, or frustrating, men's narcissism. Noting that (in the belief of the study) women are crucial players and even gatekeepers in men's quests for sexual pleasure, patriarchal power and status.


The study group was rather limited, involving 104 male undergrad students, age 21 years on average, from a large university in the Midwest.

Dr. Scott Keiller looked at measures of narcissism, sexist attitudes toward women and traditional female stereotypes, sexist attitudes toward men and heterosexual male stereotypes, and attitudes toward gay men and lesbian women.

Dr. Keiller's findings appear to pretty much backs up what most of us here have learned:
"that narcissists' low empathy, feelings of entitlement, and perceptions of being deprived of 'deserved' admiration and gratification can make them prone to aggression and vengeance."

According to a write up in escience news, "He found that men's narcissism was linked most strongly to hostility toward heterosexual women, more so than toward any other group including heterosexual men, gay men and lesbian women. In fact, men's narcissism was linked to favorable attitudes toward lesbians and was unrelated to attitudes toward gay men. Narcissism was not, however, associated with greater acceptance of homosexuality in general.

According to the author, these results suggest that narcissistic men believe that heterosexual relationships should be patriarchal rather than egalitarian.

Dr. Keiller concludes: "The present study suggests that heterosexual men's narcissism is linked to an adversarial and angry stance toward heterosexual women more than toward other groups. Although narcissists may want to maintain feelings of superiority and power over all people, narcissistic heterosexual men are particularly invested in subordinating heterosexual women. The results suggest that narcissistic hostility is associated with a group's potential to provide or withhold gratification rather than ideology about a group's sexual orientation or conformity to heterosexual gender roles."

In reading through the study itself, I had a few questions come to mind:

1) Does the "Greek" (fraternity) culture at American colleges and universities encourage narcissistic behaviors?

2) Late teens and early 20's can be a rebellious, and adversarial phase in the life of Americans. Especially as compared with those in a decades older age group average. So I wonder if the 104 young men in the study, with an average age of 21, will change, and outgrow their narcissistic hostility as they mature with age? If so, perhaps the crux of NPD, is that the maturation process does not occur, and our NPD mates (or ex mates for some of us), are stuck in that phase of unquestioned patterned behaviors from childhood mixed with something that causes them to react in the moment.

3) It would be interesting for a parallel study to be done, focusing upon narcissistic women. I can guess at that the outcome would be similar to this study, which is:

"The results suggest that narcissistic hostility is associated with a group's potential to provide or withhold gratification rather than ideology about a group's sexual orientation or conformity to heterosexual gender roles."

My sense, is that the above statement (from the study) is a key to narcissist. Something we on list all ready know: It is all about the "SUPPLY"!


edited for clarity

[This message edited by luv2swim at 2:03 PM, July 30th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting....

I'm sure that frat boys partying like crazy, with hormones raging, thinking only of "getting laid" during their college years would test high on the NPD scale. I am also not surprised that they would not have a high opinion of their conquests. (heterosexual women)

I have always believed that NPD'ism starts in youth. All kids are very self centered when they are little, but most don't end up having full blown NPD. Their selfish behavior can continue thoughout their teens, but then most grow up and out of this behavior.

I think the difference with the NPD is a lack of boundaries and a lack of disapline and consequences from eiher parents, or other persons of authority.

Every parent wants their child to have a healthy ego. You can hear mothers encouraging their children every day, telling them how special they are, etc. This is a good thing. But along with encouragement and positive reinforcement, there must be boundaries and rules. Most important, there must be consequences for breaking the rules and violating boundaries.

I think the breakdown and the increased risk for NPD to develope occurs when the parent lays out rules and boundaries, but fails to follow through with consequences if needed. This may feel better to the parent at the time, but the risk of causing NPD damage begins.

The child KNOWS the rules and knows that there should be consequences. If this child has done wrong and the consequences don't follow, the child thinks, "Wow, I must be REALLY special...I don't have to follow the rules." If the child sees other children suffering consequences that he has escaped, that even further escallates and encourages these feelings of specialness.

If this continues into the teens and young adulthood, it's a recipe for disaster.

I know with my XNPH, he had gone out drinking while underage, and had an accident causing injuies to other people. His parents didn't punish him in any way for this. In fact they bought him a new car to replace the one he had just wrecked and retained an attorney to defend the charges he faced. No consequences.

I also think when it comes to NPD rage, you're really dealing with an overgrown child who is throwing a temper tantrum because he's not getting his way. He's doing exactly what he did as a child....in his mind, it worked then, it should work now.

Dr. Keiller concludes: "The present study suggests that heterosexual men's narcissism is linked to an adversarial and angry stance toward heterosexual women more than toward other groups. Although narcissists may want to maintain feelings of superiority and power over all people, narcissistic heterosexual men are particularly invested in subordinating heterosexual women. The results suggest that narcissistic hostility is associated with a group's potential to provide or withhold gratification rather than ideology about a group's sexual orientation or conformity to heterosexual gender roles."

I think this is simple. The only "group" that is of any use to the h-NPD is the heterosexual woman. The gays, lexbians, and other groups don't really offer any "supply" so they are a non-issue. The rage comes in because all normal relationships involve mutual respect, rules and boundaries...something the NPD has never had to deal with or accept. The NPD wants the h-woman in his life for his supply, be it for sex, arm candy, etc. He wants to apply rules to HER, but he will not accept any rules himself.

1) Does the "Greek" (fraternity) culture at American colleges and universities encourage narcissistic behaviors?

Probably. But not any more than other groups where men/boys are encouraged to act out sexually and otherwise irresponsibly.

2) Late teens and early 20's can be a rebellious, and adversarial phase in the life of Americans. Especially as compared with those in a decades older age group average. So I wonder if the 104 young men in the study, with an average age of 21, will change, and outgrow their narcissistic hostility as they mature with age? If so, perhaps the crux of NPD, is that the maturation process does not occur, and our NPD mates (or ex mates for some of us), are stuck in that phase of unquestioned patterned behaviors from childhood mixed with something that causes them to react in the moment.

Exactly what I think.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disco, I have a court order now that says we have to exchange the kids at the police station parking lot. It has helped calm the behaviors your experiencing (although I always stay in my car with windows up and door locked - he comes to the car and waves and knocks on the hood and windshield).

I think the difference is though that my kids know what he's doing is wrong and just want to get out of there quickly and don't join in (unwittingly) with his antics.

I think parent alienation is right - can you talk to your counselor and/or lawyer about this? I know that the problem for me though is always money and if that's the case - battling parent alienation on your own is difficult. I'm so sorry. Does your son see an IC or family counselor? It may help him to understand better what his father is doing. I have 3 teenagers, my oldest is almost 19 and he is the one who is most vulnerable to his Nfather's games - it breaks my heart to see his father play him the way he does.

[This message edited by rainagain at 9:21 PM, July 30th (Friday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1276 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, July 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and proud and sad to say I belong to this amazing tribe that had 999 posts in part 7!!!!!

Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!!


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1276 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 1st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On nightmares, and sleep/dreams in general;
In the early days of my 1st wife’s infidelity, and her subsequent moving out to live with OM, I would often wake up wrestling sweat-soaked sheets. Maybe ‘utterly destroying’ would be a better description :)
Internally, I believe the brain is designed for organization. It functions best when everything is ‘in its place’, filed away, catalogued. Is it any wonder then, why the stress, trauma, and devastation of a spouse’s monster metamorphosis leads to a ton of “difficult to process” things? Dreams are the brain’s attempt to create order out of disorder.
In that sense, they’re normal, natural, and healthy – to be welcomed, accepted – not feared.
It’s the dang remembering them that’s the problem!

Working from memory here, so this might be ‘outdated’- but it seems that we always dream, it’s just in REM 4, the deepest stage of sleep, if we can get there – we don’t remember them. Generally, ‘light sleepers’ inhabit REM 3 (or below), and readily remember dreaming. (When a REM 4 – the deep sleeper - remembers, although it is not as often, it tends to be very vivid).

The goal is to achieve REM 4, and we mostly know about exercising, eating, and essentially “occupying” our lives with meaningful purpose (though the burly guys don’t work to well for me). Ecc 5:12 The sleep of a labouring man [is] sweet

Externally, I’m ‘one of those’ who believes I wasn’t wrestling with flesh and blood but with spiritual wickedness. So I pray for protection from external attacks, from ‘the enemy’ – I also pray believing He answers my request for protection, and it works, and has been a great blessing for me. Pro 3:24 When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

I pray for everyone (((TRIBE))) to have sweet sleep!

And (((disco))), please don’t tolerate such abuse. That you suffer further abuse kicks in the celtic beserker/booty boot butt-kicker in me! It seems like it’s coming from 2 places:

…the court order states that I have to pick him up at the residence (OW's in this case)

Document the abusive parental alienation and get it changed. Can a friend accompany you until you can get it changed? Or go to the police station and talk to someone – request protection. What are they going to do? Say no? Then you’re no worse off, right?
and

son would not cooperate with another location

So, ‘another location’ is permissible?
If so, no cooperation = no visit. You’re the boss.
One of the greatest crimes these awful NPD crazies commit is creating other ones, and how blind the ‘system’ is to the single mother’s plight. We all need boundaries don’t we? They’re healthy aren’t they? Praying for your strength in establishing and maintaining those boundaries! You do not deserve more abuse – from anyone, including DS.

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 1st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again, everyone. I know at some point we'll probably wind up back in court, but after spending $25,000 and two years of my life trying to get divorced, I'm not in any rush to get in front of the judge again. He was very wishy-washy about making decisions.

XH will always be abusive. It's the total influence he has over both boys that just makes me heartsick. My 19 yr old lives with him and the OW. The 16 yr old was told several years ago that he had to choose a side and he better chose dad. So he did. No amount of positive influences from school, church, the neighbors, friends, family - nothing puts a dent in his allegiance to his father. It's as if all the good influences are sliding off of Teflon. He soaks up every word and action of his father's as perfection. The older son has taken on some of his father's behavior and mindsets. All I can do is continue to offer an alternative and pray.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
lula1967
♀ Member
Member # 12791
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 1st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are going through this same sort of alienation, only it's my stepson and his mother has NPD. It's been a huge thorn in our side.

We feel frustrated because my stepson thinks his mother walks on water and that all the lies she tells him about me and his dad are true.

All we can do is pray that what goes around comes around and that one day, she will pay for all of the cancerous, horrible, manipulative bullcrap she's done to her son and to us. She's a plague!


BS (me) - 42
WS - 49
Married Aug. 2006
3 teen boys, 2 mine 1 his
First EA D-Day#1 10/16/05 D-Day #2 2/21/06 Second EA D-Day 11/18/06
We are doing really well! It took a while, though!

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Nov 2006
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 1st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((disco))))

I will add you and your boys to my prayer list.

My kids were often the targets of their father's wrath, and maybe that is why they don't feel an allegiance toward him. I think they do see him for what he is - an angry, manipulative man who they must see because the courts say so.

It's all very sad, and the children are really stuck in the middle. The courts suck, and I totally understand Disco's reluctance to go back in to court. My D also cost me 2 years and about $20k. I'll be paying my L for another year to clear my account balance. Sigh.

I am thankful that I'm not experiencing nightmares, and I hope all of you who are will find peace soon.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7619 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 1st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

I'm trying to work on my Gratitude List today!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello...first post in this forum...

It has been suggested that my stbxWH has NPD. I'm not sure about that; he's never been diagnosed. He wouldn't go to a therapist if his life depended on it.

I am in a world of pain about what happened in our marriage and I am just trying to come to terms with it and move on with my life. I have not been doing well.

The whole story is too long to type out.

My stbxWH has affairs (two that I know of) and blames them on me. Well, first, when I only suspect the affair, he gas lights like crazy. Has me simultaneously thinking I'm nuts for suspecting him and feeling like I'm the luckiest woman on the face of the earth...because when I share with him that I have concerns and I think he is having an affair, he SWEETLY gas lights me, trying to make me think that he's not only NOT having an affair, but he loves me like there's no tomorrow.

But then, when he's busted, suddenly, he's never loved me, he never felt loved by me, I'm the world's worst excuse for a wife.

I have boxes and boxes of cards and letters he wrote me, right up until days before he abandons me when busted. But, none of it was true, or rather, he has no explanation for them. He loved me fiercely pre d-day, then after d-day, suddenly he's never loved me.

Everything he says I did to cause him to cheat and leave after he's busted are things that HE DID to me. It is unreal. He'll send me an email telling me that I never met his needs, that he told me what they were and I REFUSED to meet them! Ok, this is a man that I loved soooooooo much. First off, he NEVER had any sort of discussion about his needs. He hates talks like that, he doesn't talk about stuff like that. And, so I just always did what seemed natural, in terms of meeting his needs. I told him I loved him several times a day, I did acts of service for him, the list is endless. It was clear that I adored him, loved him, respected him, and honored him.

But, to tell you the truth, I wasn't getting my needs met! How could I be, when he's running around with a co-worker??? He *said* he loved me, but I didn't *feel* loved, and I regularly told him that I was worried, that I knew something was wrong. "No Sweetie, everything is ok. I love you so much."

I should have paid attention to what he did (nothing) as opposed to what he said.

When he abandoned me after D-Day, he never tried to contact our kids. NEVER! Two of them have gotten married and one had a baby!!! They, of course, don't want to contact him and to tell the truth, they don't want to have anything to do with him. But, he should at least try to contact them! So, here's what he tells people: I turned the kids against him. The truth is--> the kids know what he did to me. And they are pissed.

He's such a liar.

He projects all of his crap onto me.

He is surrounded by friends and his mother who believe his pitiful lies. They steadfastly maintain that he's never cheated on me!!! Even though he admits it to me. He admits it to me, denies it to them. Of course, he has to admit it to me because he's busted. I should say, he doesn't deny it to me. He NEVER EVER talks about what he did wrong. Just me....

I was a good wife and I loved him like crazy. I did not deserve this.

I am in so much pain over what he did to me. Mostly it is the duplicity, how he manipulated me to think everything was ok, then when I discovered it wasn't, he blames it on me. It just leaves you with emotional whiplash.

I feel I have PTSD.

The whole thing has hurt me so bad that I feel like my entire life has come crashing down on me, and I just don't want to go on.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the land of busted lightbulbs and broken toasters kentucky! I think every one with such close congress to NPDs gets PTSD. 20+ years?

You're a saint in my book!

When I first came here, I read the earliest threads until my eyes were blurry

and it really helped my healing to understand what I was dealing with. The wise and wonderful people here are among "SI's Best", and I also think that this is the world's most valuable source for healing from NPD destruction.

Here are some of the earliest threads I could find - the rest of them are archived:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196693&AP=1&HL=10617

With NPD, you 'just know' you've been dealing with one, and I think you will find true resonance with everyone's stories.

Specifically, he is using the 'mobbing' technique of abuse. Just ignore him.
It really is the first thing I can tell you to actually "DO" for the health of your spirit - other than becoming informed, continue posting, etc. Remember, you're a saint.

It is good, in my heart, that you have finally begun D. I kept hearing when I first got here that 'they can't change'-and I thought I could, you know, buck the tide, be the exception, and fix her.

I'm better now.

You will be too - I promise!
GO CATS!


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct...thank you for the warm welcome!

I've read about NPD at the urging of my therapist. Some of it rings true for my stbxwh. A lot of it doesn't. But, the bit that does is really serious stuff. Interestingly, in the course of reading about NPD, I came upon information about passive-aggressive personality disorder. Bingo. He's that, mostly. But, with a side of NPD. I think he is about 70% PA and 30 NPD. But, I'm serious.

I feel completely and totally traumatized. Like I just walked out of a 25 year nightmare. What I am going through is not normal post-marital problem distress.

The good news is, I've been in treatment with a shrink for most of the time since D-Day, so I'm getting excellent guidance insofar as getting back on the road to emotional wholeness. I'm not stupid about what that is; I was a social worker for many years and now I'm a RN, so I know about good emotional health. But, I'm telling you, that man had me caught up in something that was bigger than anything I understood. No one understands.

But, even with all of the trauma, hurt, pain, and grief, I am thankful for what I have now. My life is HONEST. It is peaceful. It is just me and a little dog right now...the kids are grown and I'm not ready to date. I'm just trying to get myself back. It is hard.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 4th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Hurtinky. I'm so glad you found us. I was in a 20 year relationship and I get what you are talking about. ((((Hurtinky))).

Here are some resources that helped me A LOT.

First, the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft

This website: http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/

And Alanon. Alanon taught me self care, detachment, and just gave me face to face support.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

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