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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis...I looked at that website and saw some amazing stuff. Very helpful to me.

Even though I am five years out from our separation, I am still amazingly confused and hurt.

I feel like I was wrapped up in some sort of alternative existence, where nothing was real but I thought it was. I idolized my abuser, and thought the abuse was normal. When that woman named Jaycee, who was kidnapped at age 11, was freed from her kidnapper, that story resonated with me. I know I wasn't kidnapped, but it feels like I got caught up in something that wasn't good, but it was presented to me as good and I was brainwashed to believe was good, and now that the house of cards has completely fallen in, I'm left stunned and confused.

My WH was the ultimate Jekyll and Hyde. I really thought I was living the best life ever, that he was the most loving H and father ever, and I was the luckiest woman alive. He seemed to be devoted and committed. But, the reality was, he was not those things, and he went to great trouble to keep that information from me. And when I suspected problems in paradise, he would increase his efforts to keep me thinking that everything was wonderful. It was a sadistic thing to do and I was in a world of emotional pain for many years, not knowing what exactly was causing the anxiety that I felt internally.

Predictably, when it all fell apart for him and he was exposed, SUDDENLY I went from his dearly loved wife to the reason he did these horrible things. If I'd just been better, if I'd made him feel loved (his major complaint...I "never" made him feel loved..)he wouldn't have done these awful things behind my back.

To make matters worse, he puts on such a good show that practically no one believes that he did the things he really did. So, all of his friends, family, co-workers, etc. are looking at the situation and thinking, "What the hell did she do to cause all of this?" They don't even believe that he did what he has to freely admit to me and his children that he did!!! Everyone is convinced that he could never hurt a living soul, especially his wife, who he was devoted to. So, it must be me that caused all of the commotion. I am lying, of course. And if he did so something wrong, well, I caused it.

I can't even describe the horror of being this man's wife.

And the worst part is, even though I know this is the situation, I am still unable to FEEL that I am lucky to be rid of him. I still idolize my abuser! The brainwashing is so incredibly effective. Even my grief and hurt PROVES that I am crazy, that I was the problem.

I tell my shrink over and over again that I feel like I was thrown away by the world's most perfect man. That I was discarded like yesterday's rotten kitchen trash. I think that I want him back. It is unbelievable! My shrink says, "You were not discarded. You simply stood up for yourself. And he couldn't deal with that; it wasn't going to work for him." Intellectually I know that is the way it is, and so does anyone who really loves and cares for me. But, in my heart, in the cells of my body, I have a hard time feeling that.

It is so hard.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My shrink says, "You were not discarded. You simply stood up for yourself. And he couldn't deal with that; it wasn't going to work for him." Intellectually I know that is the way it is, and so does anyone who really loves and cares for me. But, in my heart, in the cells of my body, I have a hard time feeling that.

Hold fast to what shrink said.
I know what you mean about having a hard time feeling that. But yaknowwhut?
I think the reason NPD freaks move on to someone else is because they've sucked us dry and used us up. They need fresh meat to give them the buzz they need.
Please go and read the other threads here about NPD freaks. You'll find some amazing survivors that have gone through what you're going through now.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtinky: was your WH in a LTA?
If so, that's another thing that is hard to recover from...LTA is long term recovery even from a "semi-normal" WH!!

Your post could have been written by me! WH always kept telling me how lucky I was to have him as a husband!! How he loved me etc etc. After DDay, it was all my fault, he was miserable for years, etc ad nauseum.

I feel like you, I still yearn for WH. Or perhaps, as I'm starting to realize, the projection he gave of himself.

But, ironically, I really believed I knew him!! I always told him that I really loved who he was deep inside, or what I really believed he was (or what he wanted me to believe??)

Rereading the above, doesn't seem to make sense, but I think to other NPD's BS's it might.

The life we led with NPD's makes us feel that was the reality and now we are so confused!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
healthyself
♀ Member
Member # 29189
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi...New to this thread...think I belong here.
Wondering if anyone can relate to some of the behaviors/experiences I've had with WH...Here are a list of things that made/make me feel crazy...
*Early in our relationship...three sudden breakups...one day we were madly in love and then all of a sudden he'd say we never connected
*he was never there when I needed him...he'd leave when things got hard...bascially as long as I was always happy and didn't need anything from him I was safe...he wouldn't abandon me.
*communicating with him about issues in our relationshop was CHALLENGING...he was sooo sensitive/defensive...
*I couldn't ask him to do anything because he took it as a slam against him...
*he twisted what I said around
*would tell me I was wrong and then say the same thing I had just said and say that was the correct answer...WHAT?
*no empathy ever...left me and two kids ages 1 and 4, for another woman and acts like its no big deal(15 years) and gone...no nothing...as if our marriage never happened
*he was passive agressive...
*now that we're divorcing...I "PAY" if I piss him off or make him feel bad
That's all I can think of now...but it was a slow, subtle slide into a funky pattern of walking on eggshells to keep the peace...learning how to not piss him off.
Does this sound familiar????



The truth will set you free...

Me 42
2 Kids...3 and 6
H 41...HW 39 living together...
DD 9.15.08


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jul 2010
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartless...OMG, Yes! I tell my stbxWH that all the time in the emails I send him...I feel like he used me and when there wasn't anything left for him to get, he abandoned me. And, the reason there wasn't anything left for him to get is because the day came (D-Day #2) that his whole house of cards fell down. There was no going back...our marriage/relationship would have NEVER been the same after that day. He lost his power, his facade, his game. I KNEW what the deal was. And, so he left. I feel like he didn't really leave ME, he left HIMSELF...he left because he knew he couldn't continue to be who he was being in our relationship. And he only wanted me as long as I was a "supply". I quit being a source of his NPD needs that day. It was OVER.

The really frustrating thing is, I get very little support and understanding for this, the reality of the situation. This is just too complicated for people to understand. They never "saw" it because you had to live it to recognize it. The average person is primed to believe his lies about what happened, and if you tried to explain the whole NPD and/or Passive Aggressive thing to them, they would think YOU were making excuses. It hurts, it is a secondary trauma, to not get the validation that you need.

My stbxwh is surrounded by people who support his accounting of events. He's got people convinced that we didn't have anything in common (yeah, I don't like to rock climb, but he doesn't like to scrapbook either, and I would have never cheated on him because of that...) and that I did things (behind closed doors of course) to cause him to fall out of love with me, etc. ad nauseam. Only people who were really privileged to see "inside" our relationship (kids) know what the truth is.

honest...the two affairs that I know about (there were probably more) were with married women that he encountered at or through his work. They lasted for at least a year, possibly more, and he fancied himself in love with these women. He liked to have full blown love affairs. It was never just about the sex for him. Both times he gas lighted me to the max before D-Day, and then after D-Day, it was all my fault.

After the first affair, when I finally went 180, filed for divorce, etc. he suddenly wanted me back and was madly in love with me. This time, he asked to come back after about 18 months, but I shared my reasonable boundaries with him (including psychoanalysis) and he refused, saying I was trying to "control" him. LOL Predictable. So, whatever. I'm done with his BS. I'm choosing to honor myself finally. I never did anything to cause him to make bad and hurtful decisions. He got himself in all of his messes all by his own self.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The really frustrating thing is, I get very little support and understanding for this, the reality of the situation. This is just too complicated for people to understand. They never "saw" it because you had to live it to recognize it. The average person is primed to believe his lies about what happened, and if you tried to explain the whole NPD and/or Passive Aggressive thing to them, they would think YOU were making excuses. It hurts, it is a secondary trauma, to not get the validation that you need.
Try not to let this bother you. If my experience is typical, you can count on this changing. Keep in mind that NPD's get worse over time. Eventually, the people around them for any length of time catch on. This happened to my ex. Her family figured her out. And, as she's gotten worse, new people in her life figure her out sooner and sooner all the time.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtinky
Welcome to out thread. Your story sounds so familiar to me (as well as others here I'm sure.)

My stbxWH has affairs (two that I know of) and blames them on me. Well, first, when I only suspect the affair, he gas lights like crazy. Has me simultaneously thinking I'm nuts for suspecting him and feeling like I'm the luckiest woman on the face of the earth...because when I share with him that I have concerns and I think he is having an affair, he SWEETLY gas lights me, trying to make me think that he's not only NOT having an affair, but he loves me like there's no tomorrow.

This is so typical of the disorder. The hiding, the sneaking, the cheating, the blame shifting, the gas lighting, the mind fu**ing...all very typical of NPD.

My XNPDH was no different. In the beginning, I would have NEVER believed he would have an affair. If I suspected, he would "sweetly" hint, "maybe something is wrong with you...maybe the stress of your job, maybe the history of mental illness from your great aunt is coming out...maybe you should see someone....you know that I would never do that to you....I could never..."

Gag...cough...puke.

Truth:
Several affairs, sleeping with my so-called friends, had an OC behind my back. It goes on and on.

I continued to think he was wonderful and went to see a therapist.

And like yours once he was CAUGHT, it was an abrupt turn around. He told HORRIBLE lies about me, completely flipped the tables. I was totally flabbergasted.

He projects all of his crap onto me.

EXACTLY! This is what they do. Listen carefully to what he says and what he does. Because what he is saying is what he is doing or what he is planning to do.

I feel I have PTSD.

You probably do. I know I suffered from that for a long time. It took lots of IC and lots of meds to get me through it. I would strongly suggest getting yourself a good IC.

One thing that helped me was to realize and remind myself that the person I thought I loved never existed. That "person" was nothing more than a trap used by some monster to work his way into my life. The REAL person is this maniac that I have spent the last 8 years trying to get rid of. (physically and emotionally)

(I've continued reading and see you have a WONDERFUL IC)


"You were not discarded. You simply stood up for yourself. And he couldn't deal with that; it wasn't going to work for him."

This is exactly spot on. See, the NPD has to have EVERYTHING going their way. They have to have support to carry on their double life, their perfect image, their grandiose ideas, etc. If any of that is challanged or God forbid the truth is exposed, you will be subject to NPD rage. They don't handle confrontation like normal people where you would have conversation and compromise. It's NPD way or the highway.

If they are caught in a horrible lie, or living a double life, having an affair or as in my case hiding an OC for over two years, they are not going to buck up and face the music. Not even close. They are going to blame the victim!! They are going to do everything they can to convince everyone that they were ENTITLED to cheat, lie, have their affiar, have their OC, hide the baby, embezzle money, etc. They will throw their own mother under the NPD rationalization bus. They simply don't care WHO they hurt in the process. As long as they don't have to admit wrong doing, that is all that matters. And the worse their own behavior has been, the worse they are going to paint their victim.

I know exactly how you feel. I have never felt so betrayed, so shocked, so hurt, so confused in my entire life. Like you said, thrown out like last week's trash without a thought. Unbeliebable. But you also have to stop and think. What type of a person can actually do that? One without a conscience in my opinion.

healthyself

Welcome to our thread.

*Early in our relationship...three sudden breakups...one day we were madly in love and then all of a sudden he'd say we never connected

Sending mixed messages I would say is pretty common.

*he was never there when I needed him...he'd leave when things got hard...bascially as long as I was always happy and didn't need anything from him I was safe...he wouldn't abandon me.

BIG TIME! They are good time Charlie. They are always there for the fun. Never pick up the check, forgot his wallet. In the larger picture in dealing with family matters, death of a loved one...they simply aren't there. They are emotionally unavailable. They don't have emotions like normal human beings.

*communicating with him about issues in our relationshop was CHALLENGING...he was sooo sensitive/defensive...

Yep on this one too. Can't handle any type of criticism. No matter what kind of silver platter it is served up on. All they want to hear is how wonderful they are. And if you're not telling them, they will tell you themselves.

*I couldn't ask him to do anything because he took it as a slam against him...

Yes again. This one falls into the big overgown 3 year old who would rather throw a temper tantrum.

*he twisted what I said around

Gaslightning.

*would tell me I was wrong and then say the same thing I had just said and say that was the correct answer...WHAT?

Mind fu*king gaslighting. Crazying making.

*no empathy ever...left me and two kids ages 1 and 4, for another woman and acts like its no big deal(15 years) and gone...no nothing...as if our marriage never happened

Yes. However, if he just up and left you are lucky. He could continue to torture, stalk, harass, vandalize your property and other horrible things. I know this doesn't make the hurt any less.

*he was passive agressive...

Yes

*now that we're divorcing...I "PAY" if I piss him off or make him feel bad

Yes

Everyone,
It may not seem like it now, but people will SEE the truth in time. The less you say the better. The NPD will show his true colors and people will catch on. There will always be the most dimwitted (mostly his family) who will continue to hang on, but these are not people you want to continue contact with. I used to believe my XNPDH had so much verbal power and I thought that he was very respected. It took years, but people started to come to me and tell me quite the opposite. It will take time, but the truth will come out.

Hang in there.


[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:51 PM, August 9th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis: Thank you for that link! I found so many things there very very helpful.

What was incredible for me is the list of "abuser's tactics". So many of the things on the list were things that my BPD mother has done. I was truly "trained" to become a "victim" of WH.

Sadtoo: My WH also had OC's: 3. He named the first OC the same name as our baby daughter who died.
WH gaslighted, etc and I have found now that when he says, "Would I do that to you?" or "I would never do that!", I now know, that translates to, "YES, I DID".

WH's reason for what he did? He was never satisfied with the quality or quantity of our sex life and wanted me to have an operation "down there" because I was "too loose", although 3 different Gyn here said there was nothing medically wrong with me and I didn't Need it.

But, they do twist your words. I thought WH was so understanding and wise, but that was if I was talking to him about a problem that had nothing to do with him. If ever I tried to breach the subject of "us" or something he did or said that hurt me, OMG! He would twist and turn it so, that I felt I was wrong, or I would get the silent treatment that I would end up apologizing to him!! (My mother used to do the same kind of thing, if I said that she said something that hurt, she would yell at me for the tone of voice I used, or I was being disrespectful....)

WH always said I was always depressed, there was always something wrong with me. I should be on antidepressants.

I was down, I knew at the edge of my subconscious that something was terribly wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. Always trying to be perfect.

WH alternates from saying what an angel I am to accusing me of doing things or having ulterior motives for things that are not true. Telling me how I am feeling, when it's false. I guess, from what you guys are saying, that is projection.

Some people are seeing WH for what he really is! Thank God!!

Thank you everyone for your wisdom!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a major jackass telling you that you're too "loose."

Sounds to me that he's a tiny little pencil dick.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:20 AM, August 10th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
healthyself
♀ Member
Member # 29189
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo...thank you for taking the time to validate my/our experience...:)
it helps...which says A LOT!!

Anyone try to raise young children with a NPDH? I think that's why he left...it was hard...he didn't have the patience for it...therefore...he wasn't perfect..and of course, neither was I or the kids...ugh!


The truth will set you free...

Me 42
2 Kids...3 and 6
H 41...HW 39 living together...
DD 9.15.08


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jul 2010
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I belong here or not. My H isn't NPD, though he acted it during his A and TT. Both of his sisters are N/P. One SIL is targeting me through my MIL. She blames me for 'never liking her', even though I have done plenty of kind things for her, even at the sacrifice of my own family, at times- and always because my MIL wants me to do *whatever* it is. This past weekend, I said 'No.' to allowing my 11 year-old DD sleepover at SILs house with her and her three boys (ages 7-14) and, wow, did I ever get a verbal lashing- actually, H got it, but it was directed at me.

I don't even know where to begin dealing with something like this. It was so out of the blue. How do you prepare for the gaslighting and blameshifting?? How do you respond?

I hope it's OK for me to post here. If not, ignore me...


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healthyself,
You're welcome.

Anyone try to raise young children with a NPDH? I think that's why he left...it was hard...he didn't have the patience for it...therefore...he wasn't perfect..and of course, neither was I or the kids...ugh!

I thank God every day that I didn't have any children with my XNPDH. I am sure I would be living in another country right now with a new identity in hiding. ((shudder))

BUT, I can tell you this: I don't think the reason he left was because he didn't have the patience for the children. He most likely left because he was JEALOUS of the children. It may have appeared to you (or he presented to you) that he was being impatient, but he was probably jealous of the attention you were giving to the children.

See, NPD's are really overgrown 3 year olds who are spoiled brats. They have never been told "No" and they insist on having their own way, their own toys and all of the attention for themselves. If they can't have it that way, they throw their temper tantrums. If that doesn't work, they go to someone else who will show them the attention they feel they deserve (OW) and are entitled to or they leave all together.

They usually dress this up to appear to be something else than what it is. Like being impatient or too busy or whatever. (So they apprear normal)

Other times they completely flip out. They harshly and horribly blame YOU and the children for the reason they left.

ThoughtIKnewYa

We would never ignore anyone!!

I don't even know where to begin dealing with something like this. It was so out of the blue. How do you prepare for the gaslighting and blameshifting?? How do you respond?

I was married to an NPD and after YEARS of thearpy I have much more insight as to why I was so vulnerable to such a person. My brother and also my father are NPD. I was the perfect target.

It is extremely difficult to deal with these personality types. In a situation with a crazy spouse, you can throw them out and get a divorce. (not so easy, but it can be done) When you're dealing with family members, it's really only another layer of the same onion.

You create FIRM and consistent boundaries. Hopefully your husband will be a united front with you on this issue when it comes to his family. This is crucial.

Unfortunately, you cannot prepare for the onslaught, the rath, the rage the outburst, the blameshifting, the gas-lighting or the other crazy making that is constant with an NPD. If you're in the company of the NPD when this happens, get up and leave. Don't engage. If it happens on the phone, hang up.

As far as the lies they WILL tell, there is unfortunately not much you can do. My brother and his wife have told lies about my sisters and I for the last twenty years. Any conforntation has only resulted in disaster. No amount of effert in rational conversation will be effective with these nut cases.

My advice is to have as little contact with them as possible. My sisters and I have decided that we only have to see them three or four times a year during the holidays. But, guess what? They don't come to ANYTHING. Not even Christmas or Thanksgiving. So, who looks like the idiot? If anyone asks me or my sisters about it, we just say there are problems and not elaborate. My brother and his wife rant and rave all sorts of stuff. People are like, "So ALL of your sisters are crazy...?"

If I were you, I wouldn't allow my DD to go over there either. Who knows what kind of crap they will fill her head with.


[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:00 PM, August 10th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, August 11th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It's so nice to have others who know what it's like to deal with these kinds of people.

I'm sitting here in tears after a long night of nightmares- just the kind where false accusations are flying from out of nowhere and I can't defend myself. In fact, defending myself only makes it worse, even in my dreams.

I know NC is the way to go. I have been limited contact with my MIL and NC with my SILs for some time now. H is on board with me now. It's hard for him to go NC with his mom, but she hurt him deeply, too, this time.

Over the last few years, I have also realized why I was so vulnerable. My mom and sister are NPD, so I was taught early and often that MY feelings, MY needs didn't count. I fell into the whole co-dependent style of dealing (or not, as is the case...) and taking cues about what I should be doing from everyone else, not based on what I believed was right for me and my family. I was an 'attempted people pleaser'. Of course, all attempts fail when dealing with this type of personality.

Over the last few years, I also learned about boundaries for the first time in my life. And I set firm ones for my self and my family. Not that they would notice something like that, but we've lived a couple of hours away and with the limited contact, they just have no idea. And I see no reason to discuss it because they don't respect boundaries, anyway.

We are actually considering a cross-country move. It's something we've talked about for a couple of years.

Again, thank you so much. It's just so nice to know we're not alone, though sad to know that others have endured this, too.

I'm on the NC train...


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 11th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I could help.

I know how bad the nightmares can be. MY new husband says that I will shout out in my sleep things about my SIL. Just goes to show you how these people can get to you.

I'm glad to hear that your H is with you on this. That will help ALOT.

Stay on the NC train. It's a nice ride.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay you guys. I was doing "friend" searches on F/b and someone I had worked with (I didn't "friend" them) is friends with my XBIL. So....I had to snoop. Apparently he doesn't know about the privacy settings so all of his pictures are wide open for all to see.

And guess who's picture he had on his wall? Yup. XNPDH and OW#2.

Now this is going to sound totally shallow and immature, BUT,

He looked old, tired, miserable and ugly.

And OW#2 is a HUGE FAT COW!!!

PLUS, she's got this hideous hair-do that is over-permed and over bleached. She looks like a hag.

I fucking L-O-V-E it!!!! Finally some karma for MEeee!!

Ok. I'm done gloating. I've got to get myself together so I can fall asleep.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:09 AM, August 12th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also want to thank everyone who has responded to my posts and given me support and understanding. It is welcome relief. It is easy to think you are losing your mind when you are dealing with one of these people, especially while a marriage is unraveling.

When I have time, I want to write more, because a lot of the characteristics of the typical N person don't seem to apply to my H. He is like a mixture of N and passive aggressive. He doesn't explode when he's upset, he seethes with a smile on his face. Then, 15 years down the road (and this next part is crucial), when HE IS BUSTED DOING SOMETHING WRONG, suddenly he unleashes all the pent up crap PLUS a load of made up lies crap. It is like a bomb going off and it is ever so convenient for him. Just in time to take the focus off of his crappy behavior.

Everyone who knows my stbxwh thinks he is the picture of compassion and love. He is a vegetarian who won't kill a spider, wear leather, he will give you the shirt off of his back, really. He is smart, charming, easy going, calm, and he professes to be a follower of Buddhism. He's the Man.

But, it all changes when someone (his wife and kids, for instance) finds out about his OTHER LIFE. The one where he beds other men's wives. Once you realize what is going on behind your back, WATCH THE F**K OUT. Time for the re-written marital history, the laundry list of decades old complaints, the lies made up to deflect the focus from what he did. It is awful.

My stbxwh has a fan club who believe that I caused him to cheat (IF he even cheated...they aren't really sure he did, LOL!) and then, I turned the kids against him. He didn't do anything!!

I can't believe I was living through all of that.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
ThoughtIKnewYa
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Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL is attempting to break NC today. With ME, not with my H, her son. She knows he's working his arse off this week, if she was paying attention, at all. Probably not, though. She left a message asking if DD was able to set-up this 'American Girl' playhouse thing, or if she needed help. Looking for cracks in the armor, I suppose. H might still have a few, but I don't. I simply will not be drawn in.

The sad thing is that she doesn't really realize the changes that have occurred here. Status quo never was good enough and it sure isn't now.

Mental NC- now there's the tough thing. Any tips on how to keep that??


Posts: 10971 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
woundedby2
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Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 12th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to give a warm welcome to all of you who have just found your way to this thread.
There is much collective wisdom to be found here.

I have a sort of laughable "wtf situation" with my NPDx today. Tomorrow is my birthday, and we each get the children on our respective birthdays until 11 pm. Apparently the Assclown was complaining to the kids about this because it is his weekend. He told them that he was "going to have to talk to me about this."

Sure enough, he calls me at work. I ignore. Then he sends an email. "What are the plans for tomorrow night? Are you dropping the kids off at 11:00, or do you want to work something out?"

WTF? Work something out? Oh! You mean work something out in YOUR favor!

I replied that I would drop them off at 11, but that I could keep them overnight if he has a conflict.

What an idiot! Do I want to work something out? Would I ever have the gall to ask him to give up time with the kids on his birthday??

I'm sure my birthday is ruining some fantabulous plans that he and the skank had made for the happy family. Too bad.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 2:55 PM, August 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
discombobulated
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Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 14th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Follow-up to my pick up situation with xwh-npd (on page 1)... he stood in the driveway shooting me "the bird" in front of our 16 yr old son. On the next pick up day, I parked in the street at the very edge of the property. I didn't look up or make eye contact. The minute my DS closed the car door, I was in Drive and off down the street. I glanced in the rearview mirror and xwh-npd was standing there looking stunned. How dare I steal his dramatic moment? That tactic has been working well. I'm not putting with this garbage anymore!

We just have to out-think and out-manuever them. It's so tedious, but there can be an occasional small victory!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 14th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not bad disco!
How about tinting your car windows too? So he can't see you.
Also, could it be time for that vanity license plate you've always wanted?


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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