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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the best Xmas present ever.....my piece of shit, crazy ass, manipulative, fuckwad of an ex FINALLY signed the D papers!!!!!!!!! It's nothing short of miracle.
I finally offered him what he wanted, CASH. He refused to take my 401k, pension, etc...so I borrowed and payed him about 2/3 of what he was asking for in cash. He was ready to sign shortly after. He could have cared less about the rest of it, including the kids, nice to know what they are worth to him.
It did take a lot of game playing...thank god for therapy to help me see who he was and how his brain worked....I finally got to use it against him!!!!
The first thing my lawyer said was how she is convinced had I not gotten out he would have poisoned me to death...he's that crazy (not sure you all remember my poisoning stories...he was a real NPD sociopath).
So just waiting for the court to put their stamp on it, hallelujah!


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YIPPY!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so HAPPY for you. OMG. What a wonderful Christmas present for you.

That's what it took in the end to get rid of my XNPDH too. CASH.

He owed his lawyer so much money so I made an offer to his attorney saying that I could help HIM get paid if he would persuade that jackass to take my offer. He did. So I made the cashiers check out to the attorney AND to Dumbass both. The check had to go through the attorney's account. I don't know if the idiot got any of the money or not, nor do I care.

Isn't that just the BEST money you have ever spent??


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yay Cogal! I remember the poisoning stuff, I'm so glad you're away from that!

Why do I still treat him like a human being?

Because you're a human being and it's NORMAL to treat other people like human beings.....

Beautiful sadtoo, beautiful.

A little jj whoopdedoo whoo hoo! for anyone getting the FUCK AWAY! YAY!!!!!!!
You're normal. They're not.


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're normal. They're not.

I believe I will meditate on this later...

Congrats Cogal! Merry Christmas to you, and you have a way with words. I feel as though I "know" your SOONtbx from this alone- piece of shit, crazy ass, manipulative, fuckwad of an ex.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5288 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great news, Cogal! Awesome.

Yeah, mine was all about the cash too. And winning his "game".

I'm glad you'll be free of him very soon.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7621 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, December 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm happy for you Cogal. It is good you can be rid of his toxicity!!

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
NeverHadAChance
♀ Member
Member # 30103
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fairly new to SI, and I'm brand new to this topic.
I've been doing some research on NPD because my STXH has had some... oh, let's say UNEVEN reactions to his infidelity and the impending divorce.

He seems to fit the parameters, but he seems to be more of a fragile narcissist. Does anyone have any information or experience with that?


If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BW, 32 - me
XWH, 32 - him
DDay 10/21/10
False R for 3 weeks
together 10 years, married 4 years
Divorced 8/30/2011


Posts: 624 | Registered: Nov 2010
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas Cogal and kids!

I am so very happy for you.

[This message edited by rainagain at 10:55 PM, December 18th (Saturday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1276 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, December 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woohoo Cogal

That's what it took in the end to get rid of my XNPDH too. CASH.

check

Mine wanted $5500 when we were down to the wire and he he would sign. I finally gave in because the whole back and forth was costing me that much and more.

Oh and we are trying to do the custody adjustment and the postsecondary school thing because my oldest is moving to an apartment above my parent's house and starting college in the new year. Just to get him to sign the savings plan check took him flipping out at both my kids and going on and on with his psycho crap for hours. Finally he agreed to sign it so I drove right over there and had him sign it so we atleast have some of the money we need.

It is again all coming down to the money and him trying to dictate what happens in the whole situation. He doesn't want my son to move out there even though it makes no difference in what he has to pay if my son lives here or there. But he has to control the situation and is just fine with me still having my life turned upside down. He doesn't give a crap what is best for the kids or I.

I am half wondering if trying to get the rest of the $$$ from him is even worth the effort.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just posted on divorce forum. FT just ditched the kids on Christmas Eve cause his GF is in town.

My question is this. I know he will devalue and discard her (GF) at some point. He always puts family on the very back burner. At what point does his new idealized person change into "family" and get the discard treatment?

And, does he realize he does this to others?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2339 | Registered: Jan 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that they hang on to people different lengths depending on how willing the person is to meet their NDP's needs. When they stop getting what they need from the person (usually because the person demands things from them and calls them on their actions) they will start to turn on them. It can take week or years. There is no way to tell.

Usually they are not self and other aware enough to look beyond what they want to the impact that they have on others. Even if they can see a bit of their behaviour they really don't care to change it most of the time because it would involve work. About the only change they will make is to make sure they have supply for their unending needs. That is why sometimes they will make attemots at counceling. It is not that they think there is anything wrong. It is only to keep hold of someone who is giving them what they want for now.

Happy Holidays everyone. I hope you all have peace and joy.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peace and joy too, and what you said lied!

does he realize he does this to others?

I'd posit that with a true N, with 10/10, or whatever way they're dividing it now, the answer would be no.
They usually are not self and other aware enough to look beyond what they want.
Well said!
Merry Christmas!
(((TRIBE)))

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My holiday weirdness started when the ex told me I could have the kids for Christmas, which means that I take them two weekends in a row. That's no big; he asks to switch visitation quite frequently and does not do two weekends in a row either. So I very nicely ask him if he wants to see the kids before Christmas. "Sure! I'm thinking about going down to get the kids' Christmas presents (from his mother, natch, because he didn't buy them anything and he's on the outs with his father) and bringing them back Christmas eve. And I have plans for New Year's Eve."

So in other words, Father of the Year hasn't seen his kids since December 11th and will make a brief appearance Christmas Eve or Christmas Day even as he refuses to come around my extended family. He won't commit to an actual time because that would be too much like, well, right. And the next time he'll see the kids for any length of time will be the evening of January 14th.

Christmas Eve rolls around with no sign of FOTY. Christmas Day he calls, saying he'll be here Christmas night or today. I found out from his mother that he just went to see her YESTERDAY MORNING and she lives 3 hours away. I knew he'd be here today.

Sure enough, I get an 8 am text from him. We're all tired from two days of Christmas festivities and so I text him when the boys get up. It takes him another three hours to tell me that he's on his way over.

Then he wants to see what the children got. A couple of years ago, he took the kids' presents away because they were too expensive. He casually passes on the message that she definitely wants our middle child to call because she sent him money (I guess she knows her son, ha ha). Son, right on cue, says, "Hey, Dad, I haven't seen you in a while." (I'm trying not to snork at this point). FOTY kind of blusters, well, you know, blah blah blah.

He hangs around for about an hour with Lola making mock grabs at my backside that I only see because I have excellent peripheral vision and I'm just waiting for him to do so, until he becomes tired of the playacting and starts aimlessly wandering around the house, supposedly looking for the boys. Our house is not that big, and I closed all the doors in anticipation of his arrival. He also peeks out into the backyard, scanning for this, snickering at that, until I just want to stab him with a ballpoint pen dead in his eye. He's all false jollity with a veneer of hostility underneath.

He then makes his exit after I go to see what he's up to in the back of the house, and in true FOTY fashion says, "I might see y'all next weekend. Not the whole weekend, because I'm going out."

And he wonders that they do not want to spend their birthday weekend at his house. He's so welcoming.

I'm sure it'll get even funner when I take him to court for not paying the house note these past two months.

It's just so f'd up that I can't help but and breathe a hefty sigh of relief.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am newly separated having discovered 2 affairs 4 weeks ago, one a 5 year one with my close friend and neighbour who we have lived next door to for 15 years. I have been studying the traits of NPD for the last few weeks and think my husband definitely has some of them but not all, going by some of the behaviours described in this forum. He has not been diagnosed as having NPD(as far as I know) but is attending counselling. He is a very outgoing pesonality, highly competitive, seeks admiration and attention constantly and always has to be the life and soul of the party. I would not describe him as verbally abusive in any way or physically aggressive. He does however appear to have a chip missing when it comes to recognising other peoples boundaries and is very insensitive at times and unable to pick up on other people's feelings especially when he has pushed a point too far etc. He comes across as extremely arrogant and self important all too often. He is very successful in the work place but people either love him or hate him depending on their perspective. I have always known him to be emotionally immature but always thought that he would grow out of this eventually. Well he is now 50 and not showing any signs of this. He has always flirted, sometimes it appears innocently but more often than not can be misconstrued by others especially me! He thinks nothing of inviting other women to lunch right under my nose, the mothers of our sons friends for example and then looks perplexed if I express concern. Time and time again I have argued with him about this and just when I think he's "got it" off he goes again. I have now discovered highly sexually explicit emails between him and my neighbour and another woman which show a real aggressive need to control, to get them to do what he wants, when he wants and only for him. Some of the content reads like it is written by a 13 year old boy who has just discovered porn for the first time. The lack of empathy and disregard for the possible consequences should these affairs be discovered is staggering. He does not appear to have given any thought to it at all when he was getting his "fix" yet now of course he is showing great remorse. He has not "gas-lighted" me on this occasion but definitely in the past when I've confronted him about other stuff he's gone to all the drama of expressing total indignation, laughing out loud and then saying "you're serious aren't you?" Now I have hardcore evidence of course this tactic cannot possibly work. I don't know. I guess I am just looking for answers, trying to put a label on it to make it make sense to me. It could of course just be that he is just a complete arrogant a...hole. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome unfortunately...sorry you are here.

I think you are so new to this that it will make you crazy. If he is diagnosed NPD I would tell you to run far and fast. Some can be more P/A then NPD, but thats the least of your worries. I hope you are posting in the other forums for help in the early stages and I hope you are seeking IC for yourself.


Posts: 5519 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas, I'm sorry you had to put up with all that nonsense. It's hard enough to have to raise the kids more or less on your own and then having to deal with even more childish behavior.

Elle, welcome to SI. Read as much as you can on all the other threads and the Healing Library. The people here on NPD are wonderful and very helpful. I'm still learning about NPD also.

Which leads me to a question that has bothered me when trying to determine if WH is a NPD, (my IC thinks he is)
Sometimes, WH will suddenly have a generous moment (does this a lot over the years). For example he might notice that someone needed something and he would want to run out and get it for them. It didn't have to be a close friend or family member, but it was impulsive and seemed truly and genuinely generous. It wasn't even to show off in front of anyone either. For example, we were in the mall and he saw this lady pushing this older disabled child in a broken stroller. He says I want to buy her a new stroller! That poor child and actually was starting to look around for a place he could buy one. He didn't follow through, but has on many occassions when he gets this way. This was a quality that made me fall in love with him. But it wasn't consistent. Usually, if push came to shove about anything, it was all about him, especially if he was cornered or taken to task about some stupid or insensitive thing he did. It's almost like he's NPD and every once in a while he can be a real human being and NOT an act. Can they do this? Or is just that there is a scale of how NPD they can be?
On the other hand, we were arguing last week and WH says, "YOU put me through hell this year yelling at me and being upset all the time. (since DDay he means) Maybe we should separate and I can find someone else." (he is married to OW overseas, so he wants to find someone else???? Two wives aren't enough for him!!!)

Crazy making to the nth degree.



Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
Chunk
Member
Member # 8189
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I'd post this only as something to be concerned about...

I have a friend going through a nasty divorce with a NPD (possibly even a psychopath). Everybody is looking up information for her and trying to help her through this because she just doesn't have the tools to fight him. She was picked by him no doubt because she is so sweet and naive and he has brutally abused her good nature. Over the years he caused terrible damage to her self esteem. She doubts herself constantly.

Anyway, that is why I was looking up NPD and psychopath on the net. In my research I came across a name, repeatedly, of Sam Vaknin. He is a self diagnosed NPD who is often referred to as an NPD expert. So I started researching this expert because something just didn't seem right.

How can an NPD be a trustworthy source of information and guidance for people who are vulnerable and raw from being exposed to an NPD. This guy is considered a doctor (but it is not often realized that his PH.D is in philosophy of physics) though he got his degree from an online degree mill that is not accredited. Recently he claimed he was a psychopath but I believe that he probably really is a psychopath.

I watched a documentary called "I, Psychopath" it was chilling to see Sam Vaknin psychologically attack the documentary journalist...over and over again. By the end of the program the journalist was psychologically shaken.

This NPD source is probably not a place you want to go for answers (though he does seem honest about the facts). It would be like going to Hannibal Lecter for answers, he wouldn't miss an opportunity to play a little.

There are NPD support websites run by Sam Vaknin followers. There is probably some good info but I wouldn't feel secure on sites that are run by a self professed NPD and Psychopath or run by acolytes.

So, though, much of what he is says is probably factually relevant remember he is an NPD and Pschopath and we know NPD don't do a thing without it benefiting them. As they say, consider the source.

I'm only posting this because of my friend and how she is just barely beginning to have her own feelings, her own insights and just now getting sense of how abused she was. She is very fragile right now and I wouldn't want anything to derail her progress. I felt it was important to share with those who have been similarly abused by an NPD.

Do your own research and use your own good sense. Be a skeptic.

My final disclaimer is that this is just my opinion shared with a genuine concern.


Posts: 2763 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! Hope you all had a FABULOUS holiday. And it was NPD FREE!!

NeverHadAChance
Welcome. I'm not quite sure what you mean about "a fragile narcissist" Can you elaborate a little more on this. I'm interested to hear more. I think know what you're talking about, but I don't want to assume.

Chrysalis123
He could keep her forever. If she idolizes him and always puts him first, he'll keep her around. Or she could stand up for herself over something and she'll be out.

In any event, you need to focus on yourself and becoming healthy. Anything he is doing and anyone he is with is UNheathy.

In the beginning it is difficult. But the longer you are away from him you will gain clarity. Soon after that, you will become stronger. With that comes acceptance. Ideally you want to get to the point where you don't care what or who he is doing.

Ellejay
Wow Ellejay. I think you have described a full blown Narcissist.

2 affairs (that you know of)
With a close friend
Outgoing
Competetive
Seeks Admiration
Has to be the life of the party.
Lacks ability to recognize personal boundaries
Extremely arrogant
Self important
Emotionally immature
Inaporpriate flirting
"Acting perplexed" in called on the carpet
Sexually acting out
Lacks Empathy
Inability to recognize possible consequences
Laughing out loud (this one creeps me out because mine did this too. Like a hyena)

Also the fact that you seem so "lost" and confused points to the fact that he is probably NPD. They are pros at keeping their victims off balance. Keep posting here and we will try to help you weed through all of this.

It doesn't take a diagnosis to make it real. And most of the time, they won't even go through the process to get the diagnosis. They are so slippery.

honesttoafault

My brother is NPD and he has all the compassion in the world for "other" people. Like on the news. Or like you say...seeing someone in he mall or whatever. But when it comes to people he knows or his family, forget it. He makes all these claims like, "OMG, that POOR woman..."(on the news)
Then he goes to these fund raisers and makes these big donations. (my dad's money) But makes a big production like he's a big shot and acts like he cares.

But when it comes to his own family, he could care less. If he saw any of his sisers broken down on the side of the road with a flat tire, he would drive right on by.

Chunk

I think Sam Vaknin is using his self diagnosed NPD status as a means to garner more attention. I believe there are better places to find more accurate information on NPD.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe there are better places to find more accurate information on NPD.

Gently put. Intellectually, in the mind, sam's ok for bare bones descriptions. The heart of the thing is best found here
from survivors.


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis123 and Veritas -

This may be controversial, but I truly believe that the best thing for kids of true NPDs is that they spend as little time with the NPD parent as possible.

Consider yourselves and your kids lucky that your NPD ex did not want to spend time with your kids this Christmas. They will probably be emotionally healthier with as little interaction with the NPD parent as possible. I wouldn't push it.

My NPD ex doesn't want to spend time with his kids either... but... he wanted to spend Christmas eve/morning with his DD9 just to hurt ME. To show he was in control of the situation.

He had agreed - in writing - to have DD9 come home at 3pm on Christmas Eve several days earlier (although he officially had visitation rights until Christmas Day). DD9 was so excited! Her sister (DD19) was coming home from college and she'd get to see her for the first time in a month. She loves the comfortable routine of our Christmas Eve traditions... she hates change.

But true NPD like ex is, it bothered him so much that we were looking forward to Christmas Eve/day in the only home that DD9 has lived in for her whole life. So he emailed me on Christmas Eve morning saying that DD9 "decided" to spend Christmas with ex and sm#3 (soul mate #3). My DD19 was PISSED and called DD9 at her dads on her cell. DD9 was crying that she wanted to come home for Christmas. Her dad (i.e. asshole) then took her cell phone away from her and didn't allow her to call us anymore.

My DD19 is much better off having been estranged from NPD Dad for 4 years. She later told me that she has always hated him (he was emotionally abusive to her) and decided the A and D was a good excuse to cut ties with him. She is now an amazing 3.8 GPA college student with lots of friends and few issues.

In the mandatory "parenting class" I had to take during the D they made the statement "A bad parent is better than no parent". I respectfully disagree!


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

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