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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"A bad parent is better than no parent". I respectfully disagree!

I agree wholeheartedly, HuM. The children are just pawns to them. A source of supply. Possessions to use and abuse as they see fit.

My NPD XH is gone for 2 weeks on a vacation with Skank and son. He gave up his visitation including New Year's weekend in favor of going with OW to her son's hockey tournament in Canada. WTF ever. The kids are hurt that he doesn't include them, but at least they get 2 weeks away from his toxicity.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am officially divorced, thank my lucky stars!!! The judge signed the paperwork yesterday. Even though I knew it would happen after NPD signed the agreement, I wasn't going to celebrate until the court signed the decree. So perfect timing for me for 2011

Now on to the current NPD craziness. He had been seeing someone, that I knew. The kids have told me about meeting her, going places with her, and even spending the night at her house. But here comes the crazy......they didn't know her freakin name! My kids are 4 1/2, its not like you can sugar coat things to them. So what did they call her?! "friend"
I am not kidding, they called her, to her face, and pretty much thought her name was Friend. They would not tell them her name. This had been going on since Oct!!!! They started mentioning how it was upsetting them that they wouldn't tell them her name, so I said to ask and say they want to know. Apparently after signing the paper work they felt it was ok to tell them her fucking name was not really Friend......its the damn woman he had the affair with!
Now, I am not an idiot, I highly suspected it to be the case after all the nonsense with her name, but it still hurt. This woman is around my kids, this woman who kept up the affair after my pleading with her to stop it for the kids sake.
And the crazy NPD.....my god. For him to be texting me NON-STOP about how I am ruining our kids with the divorce, how he misses me so much, how he would give anything to have me back Harassing me daily about what a horrible person I am, how I moved on so quickly.....what a freakin psycho.
So.....they've been together the whole time right? It would be super dumb of me to think otherwise right? Why does it matter to me?!


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cogal- OMG! and thank God!

What a piece of work and whoooo hooooo divorced!!!

(everyone say it aloud and together) "a bad parent is better than no parent..." is a load of horseshit. Anyone who has said that and meant it never spent time with a NPD parent. That's like saying an acid bath is better than no bath.

The heart of the thing is best found here
from survivors

amen.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,
You can't make sense out of nonsense.

But I know exacty what you're talking about. My XNPDH was the same way. I never spoke to him again after I threw him out of here, unless he called from a number I didn't recognize. But he would tell everone who would listen that I was begging him back. In reality I had several back to back protection orders that went on for several years. He was stalking me and harassing me. He was hiding in my back yard. He was arking out in front of my house, spying on me, following me, etc.

I was doing everything I could to get rid of him. I would call the police every time I saw him and have him thrown in jail. But he claimed that I wanted him back.

Go figure.

And it does hurt. Back when I got my first protection order I was bawling my eyes out. I couldn't believe that it had all come to that. I still loved who I thought I had married and was still having trouble facing the truth and letting go of the dream.

I knew about OW#1 and the OC. I knew about OW#2 and that he was staying at her house when he was suppose to be "out of town" working. But for some reason I still thought that "we"/I was going to make it work.

When the abuse began to escallate, I knew I had to do something. Logically I knew what I needed to do, but my heart still hadn't caught up.

Why do they have to make it all so horrible? The marriage was horrible. It was full of lies and half truths. He was a serial cheater. He had two OC's with two different OW's. He had a third OW who helped him torture and harass me at the end of our marriage and after. Then when the marriage is over. (which seems to be what they want) They make that process next to impossible too!!

I would think (as a normal thinking person) that if I were caught having numerous affairs and having two OC's during my marriage and getting caught in I can't even count how many lies, I would be SO EMBARASSED!! The last thing I would do in a divorce is cause a big difficult divorce that would only draw attention to all of my bad behavior. I think I would be so ashamed and feel so bad about what I had done to my spouse that I wouldn't want to cause any further pain and just say, "here, take everything. I'm so sorry I'm such a worthless piece of shit."

There is just no way to figure these horrible people out. They are torturous, mind fucking, crazy making lunatics. And it seems that the love every minute of it.

The only cure for the survivors is to get away and to remain complete NO CONTACT.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD newbie here. My brother believes our father has NPD. I'm not so sure. From reports here on SI, I had figured that narcissists tend to be smooth operators. They fool people and win them over. This is not my father. He is very obviously concerned primarily with how others treat him, and gets visibly upset and wounded if he is not afforded treatment of the utmost respect. His needs come first and foremost, because putting anyone else's desires above his own would be a personal attack, a blow to his psyche. For example, if I would rather see a movie that wasn't his top choice, he would be hurt and act despondent. He has made no friends throughout his life due to his complete lack of ability to compromise. (An important side note: anyone who met him for more than 5 minutes would agree that he is the walking/talking definition of obsessive/compulsive disorder.)

I'm not big on labels, but since my brother brought it up it got me thinking. Could he have NPD?

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:34 PM, December 31st (Friday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year all. I hope that 2011 will be the brightest year yet for all of us.

It is very possible to have more than one disorder and for the personality disorder to be misdiagnosed

We had a strange holiday season. The ex pretty much stayed away when he found out he was not going to be able to guilt and manipulate my son into moving out on his own instead of into my parent's apartment. He did try every tactic. We have yet to have a full agreement about the whole thing so we will see what happens from here. My son moved in officially yesterday. I MISS HIM ALREADY

But I can't say I miss the fighting one bit. It is almost too peaceful. LOL

If the child has a bad parent I think that they are better off with very limited contact. I do think that if they can have some contact and there is a way to make that contact positive even though the parent is unable to really parent the child then that is the best of the options. (ie if the bad parent can have some contact and make the visits short fun outings then that is beneficial to the child) Otherwise NC is better. Most of the bad parents out there don't have a personality disorder or other mental health issues that directly damage the child. I do hate blanket statements like those they give in parenting courses etc. I think each situation is different.

Welcome to those who are new.

As for Sam Vaknin, he makes it very clear on his site that he runs the site for his own enjoyment and for the ego stroke he gets from it. He does seem more selfaware than many with NPD. I don't know if that makes him more inaccurate than other sources of information. I think it is likely more of a confirmation that what many suspect is true of the inner workings of the NPD is on track with some variations. I know that at times my ex did give me glimpses of how messed up his inner mind is. Like times when he would say that he had no emotions about a certain situation or that he could not read social cues etc. These people do tells us alot if we are able to listen to what they are really saying but it is difficult because it is so different than the usual human reactions and experience.

I don't know that anyone really has the whole picture. Certainly the 'professionals" have not been any more helpful about the whole NPD experience.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! Joining this thread (s) and wondering where to start...

WH came to the realization today that he is a narcissist (I have known this forever ).

What now?

He really wants to figure it out...

Advice??


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Trying_To_Decide

I believe many of the older threads are still here. I would suggest going back and reading some of them. It is a bit of a daunting task but it will hopefully give you some insight into some of the behaviours that other NPD'd have. I am sure you will be able to identify with much of what is mentioned.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, lied2. I was afraid to start in on the old threads since I have a lot of job-related work to get done...but, I definitely will.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
Phoenix Rising
♂ Member
Member # 28696
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not yet been able to read through this entire thread and was wondering if anyone had found any really helpful resources on how to deal with and continueto live a spouse and/or other family members that have NPD. Thank you.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: North Carolina
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the old threads when I first came on here and I heartily agree that it is worth the time to educate yourself.

The only way to live with an NPD spouse is to become a perpetual doormat. One would have to develop a taste for managing and fixing perpetual manufactured crises, as well as the payment for fixing the problems - which would be what doormats get; shit from shoe.

Sounds delightful.

Other "family" is extremely difficult - and the difficulty is directly proportional to the need to be in proximity to the Nperson. I shudder when I read the stories of what the great folks here have had to suffer. Avoid it if you *can*.
hugs


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read the other thread I just started in the R forum, I wonder if I should just let go of hope. We have a counseling appt. tomorrow night with his IC, and maybe I should just go alone. I just don't want to be a doormat.

He tells me that I think he's got all the problems and I have none. I suppose that is part of what makes him NPD... just don't know which way is up.

He goes to the drama of saying it is over, taking off his ring (whatever, I don't even wear mine anymore...but, I digress), and making comments about how unhappy he is....

I guess I have to make a decision and stand firm here. It is just so hard. I JUST got a job, so our income is double for the first time in 5 years, we have the opportunity to save and possibly buy a new home down the road, and now this. UGH.

Part of me likes the idea and the peace would find without him, but I also am angry at the moment. Good times with him are good.

But, I am also so sad that my new income may now just go toward survival...with three kids .


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About the ony advice I can give for trying to exist with someone like this in your life would be to cater to their every desire, to keep them on a perpetual thrown while you put all your needs, desires, hopes, and dreams on the back burner.

In my experience these people will suck the life right out of you and once they are used up they will look for a new victim. Life with them is like JJCT said, filled with crisis after crisis that you will pay the consequences for. It makes me fell kind of ill just thinking about it.

My life is still difficult now but it is a cakewalk to what my life was with him in it. I am no longer someone's servant/slave at fault for everything trying to meet impossible demands and face rage when he was no happy or things were not going his way. If the kids acted up I had to deal with it and then the rage because they were making him upset. I went through serious depression because I thought it was my fault and was constantly trying to be a better wife so he would not flip out. He alienated my family and had them brain washed that it was all my fault for not being a better wife/mother/lover/confidant etc. He was so hard done by because he had such a failure of a wife.

Only you know what you can handle and some do manage to live with these people for years or even a lifetime. However if the person really has NPD you are better off away from them. However they tend to beat those around then so far down that the person ends up unable to see that they are better off away from that person because they have been told for years that they are worthless and would be nothing without the NPD.

I guess the real question is why do you want to stay with someone like that?

[This message edited by lied2 at 10:52 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FTR, I have never been told that I was worthless or would suffer without him.

He knows and says I am the best woman he has ever known, the best thing that has ever happened to him, etc.

NPD is a tough one with him. He doesn't display all of the traditional characteristics outwardly, but to me, and me alone. To all else, he is humble, kind (almost to a fault) and in constant search of pats on his back.

Can anyone relate to this?


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
Trying_To_Decide
♀ Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone relate to my last post?

Thanks!

I filed for separation and think he'll be served this week. We haven't spoken since early yesterday and I am going no contact with him.

I could use some support and some btdt's to prepare for what he'll do with this move form me...

Thanks!!


Me, the BS:38 ...now 42
WH...STBX:39 ...now 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn to Decide: I am still learning about NPD, but what I do know that there are "degrees" of NPD. They can be from "high functioning" to almost downright sociopathic.
In addition, some personality disorders may be coupled with other traits or probles, like BPD (Borderline Personality ). I have also discovered that there are some people who may not have a "full blown disorder" but have many NPD traits. With these people, you still have to deal with unacceptable behaviors.

I hope this has helped a bit.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. I just read my own tag-line. It has been ALMOST TEN FRIGGIN YEARS since I started dealing with this shit.

He started going crazy in 2000, so that's 11 years. One OC was born in 2001 and she'll be ten in August. I thew him out in March of 2002, that's 9 years.

Fought like a lunatic and finally was divorced in or about 2004. He continued to stalk and harass and file law suits until August of 2007. (knocking on wood as I type this) So in August it will be only four years since he's left me alone. It should have been nine. But what the hell. I'll take what I can get, right?

Wow....


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo it has been a long road for you but look where you are now.

I hope that one day I get as lucky and can make a happy story out of my journey as well. I am just not there yet.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Lied!!! You've made leaps and bounds too.

I was just SHOCKED when I read my tagline and connected it to an actual timeline. It's just amazing how fast the time has gone by.

And yes I do have a happy ending....but I wonder if I'll always feel like I need to add to the end of that phrase, "so far."


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aah....first i dont wake up early enough in the morning...to start working in the kitchen...now that i do...its still a problem...cuz i start preparing for lunch as i have so much time....now thats also a problem...why am i cooking lunch so early in the morning..

ahhmmmm....what do u want me to do???? wake up early...stand and stare at the kitchen wall????????

NEvER happy and satified !

one day they will say one thing...and when u start doing it...next day its completely different....then u start doing that...then its back to u should be doing it this way...it never stops..!!!!

its morning...he just left for work...and i have stepped out of the kitchen..cuz my mind is just all over the place...i got a big earful this morning on various things...how i wake up early and make lunch(not healthy..lunch shud be freshly made couple hours before he gets home from office)


ahhh...i hope he dies ! even on his death bed he will complaining my wife is too lazy to do anything for me.

i dont even want to involve family now...since my parents took my side...and he bitches about them also...and that really irritates me...

he was like oh she is not a good mother..she doesnt take care good care of DS4 blah balh...so my mom said if YOU are not satisfied..then hire a nanny and see if she can take care better and u will be satisfied. so now everyday..he is like ..oh ur family wants me to hire a nanny ...so u can be on laptop all day and do nothing !!!???????

little shaken by this morning drama...he will be home again for lunch ..so drama will continue..and God forbid if anything goes wrong at work..then it will be MY fault ...anyways...this is THE life with NPD...
u dont get used to it...cuz drama is always upped and uppped and and upped !!! when he sees u r immuned to it...he will hit harder to break you.

[This message edited by fallenangel02 at 9:16 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
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