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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a thought :

a frend..she knows nothing of NPD...was saying that when her husband upsets her...and later comes to her for DTD..she brings up all the issues and tells him how he hurt her and what not..and thats how she voices her concern and feels its heard.

i wonder if it will work wtih NPD....first they will deny that tehy said anyting of that nature...maybe if i record him on cell phone...and replay it...wonder what his reaction will be..

oh i know ...i know..i know....

" what am i saying wrong...you are lazy..u shud be doing things as i tell you..u shud say sorry....and make things better...u just do not want to improve...and now u will use this to not do DTD with me. FINE!!!! i dont want it either...truth hurts everyone..u should learn to accept that. !"


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
stopthemadness
Member
Member # 25947
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help. Real help.

I was in counseling for 2 years concerning my narcissist boyfriend. Five years I was with him ... and so many cheats, so many lies, so much abuse (verbal and even physical on occasion). I KNOW all the logical stuff ... honestly, I do.

But. I can't seeem to get over THIS. Not necessarily him ... though it factors a bit ... but this relationship.

It's been six months since I ended it, yet again (probably the 12th time) ... but I find myself crying so much. Crying over him ... crying over me ... crying over what I thought we 'had' .. crying over what was reality.

I don't think I'll EVER get over this ... EVER. I mean this will all my heart.

He's with another woman now ... and I HATE that. I feel for her ... know how he's going to handle it all (a train wreck in the making)... and hate myself for even f'ing caring.

What can I do? How can I move on and not care what he does anymore? He's sending me a feeble email about every 7-14 days to me, to which I have never responded ... but shit, part of me wants to.

Please help me.

[This message edited by stopthemadness at 5:24 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


~~~ You used to captivate me by your resonating light ...
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind ...
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams ...
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.~~~


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wishing I was anywhere, but here!
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stopthemadness You were with him for 5 yrs so you won't be over this right away. Add the fact that you were seriously abused and it will take some time to deal with the abuse and heal. This is not like a normal breakup at all. It is recovery from the abuse. counceling and processing and cutting yourself some slack so you can heal in all the different ways you need.

I have to say that only the last few months have I started to feel like I am almost healed. It has taken me 7 yrs to get to this place and I was with this person for 13 yrs before d-day and the divorce too 2+ yrs. So close to half the time I was with him. I think in many cases of abuse it takes close to that long to heal.

I truly believe real healing can't be rushed.


fallenangel02 I know that would not work with my exh. He would freak out and become abusive or just ignore my concern. He didn't really give a crap what I was feeling.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

angel, I'm sorry - you're a living example of what I was saying before about being a doormat. I'm so sorry. I wish I could inhabit your body for just one day! Wondering 'if this will work...THIS time',
be it reason, example, slavish devotion, irrefutable logic, or your ultimate rightness - the answer is sadly no.

I know it's hard to hear, or comprehend, or even understand right now maybe, but so many of us have given these things from ourselves for so long, and it's so sad, but really - you could be in that kitchen from dawn to dusk and it still wouldn't be enough. You would still be wrong, at fault, lazy, inattentive, and a failure. That's what they do. They break you down no matter what you do.

Please realize this as soon as you can and make plans. I don't care if it takes anger, determined silence, whatever...please! Do whatever it takes to take care of you. I'm sorry that it means getting away from him. I don't care.
Get away. Make a plan. For you. Many hugs!

stopthemadness, there's alot in your favor in this sitch. Boyfriend...no kids?...
Go ahead...read the old threads of those with kids, married, and all caught up with these fukin fukin fukkers.
Once you do that, you will come back here and ask; "Why the hell would I want to do that?"
You. Get INTO yourself. Be selfish. Fuck them. Your turn. You'll see.

The minute you start loving yourself, taking care of your needs (for once!)- is the minute you'll begin healing. Healing here usually starts with
OH HELL NO!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm losing hope again.....
I just can't in my mind imagine I will ever have a normal life:(
He now is fighting me on which school to register the kids for elementary school. He wants the closest, cheapest and one that he knows pisses me off because it's not near as good as the one I want them to go to. People from all over try to get their kids in there and he just says "they are going to be latch key kids, so I want them to be able to walk to school". This lazy mother f'er can't drive/pickup his kids 2 freaking days a week to a school that's far better?!
And if he were to drop them off at the bus stop it would be a mile drive for him, an fing mile!
He is sending nasty, hurtful texts about how crazy, decietful, hypocritical I am Sure, I am the one considering what's best for them and I'm those things....crazy NPD piece of shit.
And the affairstress apparently is fooled by his mind games and thinks I'm crazy too, all along I was hoping the woman in his life would provide the reasoning skills to him that I did for so long. And it still just eats me up that my kids are around her:(

And I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be able to really love again, trust again:( I have an amazing man in my life, whom everyone adores (family, friends, even my therapist!). He is so patient, understanding, loves my kids....and I can't seem to feel passion, depth of connection with him???? We've been together for 7 months and I'm starting to feel bad for the guy. He has my crazy ex stress, my 4 y/o twins, my crazy work schedule and my issues to deal with and he loves me more than anything. Would do anything for me and he feels a deep connection....why can't I? I am hoping time really does heal all wounds but it's getting harder and harder for me to believe.

Ugh, I just want my kids and I to be happy and have a good future.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal is there any way you can step back and allow the feelings to come instead of trying to force them to happen.

I know that sometimes in different situation I look at what is going on and I try to for the outcome I want instead of looking at things the way they are going from there. In the times I try and force it I usually get burned. It is a difficult habit but one I think is learned from living with someone who manipulated my whole existence that this was one of my coping mechanisms.

Trying to get an agreement out of ex is making me nuts. He is such a jerk. He hates it when I give him deadlines but if I don't he just ignores. I am not ignoring things until they are convenient for him. That is NOT CONVENIENT FOR ME. Why can't he get that we are not married anymore and I am not going to do what he wants no matter what tactics he tried unless it is in my best interest or the children's best interest.

Oh and his newest tactic is also to try and manipulate me to get his kids to contact him. I mean he is such a fabulous guy how could his kids want nothing to do with him.

[This message edited by lied2 at 11:04 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been gone for awhile, things have been difficult.

I believe that the NPD XWh is now going after DS19 because he can't get me any more.

It's a complicated story b/c DS is now getting help for drug addiction to prescription drugs. I'm not in denial about his addiction. But I'm also not going to be party to XN's slander of his character, his lies and his constant harassment in the form of emails (recently texts) saying he's reporting this and that alleged wrong doing to the police. Because of their history together (XN and DS) I have not revealed any details of the help DS is getting, DS doesn't want me to.

It's hard having a child with an addiction. It's a hard process for DS and for me to go through. (He's beginning an outpatient program and is seeing his doctor and therapist as well as getting drug tests). But at the same time this asshole is calling all the bad friends that he used to hang out with and sweet talking with them and coming up with outlandish stories which he emails me with, threatening to call the police.

It's hard because part of this addiction recovery process is dealing with the betrayal of trust, of being vigilent and asking for proof of where you are and what you've spent money on. I know that, but to have this evil man cause confusion and come between my son and I during this time is just awful. (DS hasn't spoken to him in months, moved out on him before the drug problem started, and has been emotionally abused by him for years.)

We had a meeting with the parenting coordinator a few weeks ago and I felt like XN was setting me up to try to take the younger kids away from me by painting a horrible picture of oldest DS.

This hurts so terribly much, and I'm not sure what I'm asking for here in this post. It's just that no one else really understands the evil at work here. Tonight DS said to me that I look like I believe his father's lies when I ask him about the details of the latest accusations. Maybe I shouldn't ask, but it's hard not to given what's going on. I shouldn't even have said anything about his latest email, I wish I hadn't. I just didn't think. I want my son to get better and I want his father to just leave him alone.

[This message edited by rainagain at 10:33 PM, January 17th (Monday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to the new faces. There is great wisdom here. No one else in my life "gets it." Here? wisdom and compassion.

this


Go ahead...read the old threads of those with kids, married, and all caught up with these fukin fukin fukkers.

made me snort. But oh yeah, so true. What a fantasy, to have the option to just walk away and never ever have to see or hear him again, ever. Ever.

Cogal, honey... ((((hugs))))
Take a spa day? a weekend for you? You sound like a good decompression day is in order.

(((rain))) I wanted to say HI, and thanks for always chiming in on my posts. Evil is the right word, and I agree. NO one else gets it. My mom said "Stretch walked right by me and I didn't feel like I brushed up against evil. So that's good, right?" NO, that is precisely why they are so dangerous and mind boggling and frustrating. They don't look evil, sound evil, and they do a great job of appearing to be compassionate, witty, generous, people- short term. You think I spent the better part of two decades with a man who gave off a vibe of evil? Really mom? sigh.

rain, I think you are right to protect DS from the XN. He has enough to deal with right now. and the addiction is a chink in his armor that XN would take advantage of. I am sorry your XN is causing you fear. Please PM me any time you don't feel like posting but want to talk.

(((tribe.)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fallenangel02

NEvER happy and satified !

Welcome to the world of the NPD. That's just the way it is. Nothing is ever good enough. Once you figure out the rules, they change them and swear that the former rules were never there to begin with.

a frend..she knows nothing of NPD...was saying that when her husband upsets her...and later comes to her for DTD..she brings up all the issues and tells him how he hurt her and what not..and thats how she voices her concern and feels its heard.

Are you kidding me? Sitting down with an NPD and casually explaining to him how he has "hurt" or done anything "wrong" is NEVER going to work. That is going to set off nothing short of WWIII. And my bets are on the first thing out of the NPD's mouth are, "HOW DARE YOU..."

When in a relationship with an NPD, it is ALL ABOUT THEM. YOU and your feelings are obsolete, nonexistent. They DO NOT COUNT.

stopthemadness
If you were with him for five years and you suffered the type of abuse NPD's are known to dish out, you can expect your recovery to take at least 5 years to get over this.

This type of abuse is far more than physical an emotional. It is a rape of the soul. It is so deep and so profound. It's like you cannot grasp that another human being is capable of this type of betrayal...let alone someone who professed to love you. It's beyond insane.

Stay with your therapy. Stay with the meds.

Realize that you cannot help the other woman. She is BEYOND help. She is in the same trap that you were once in.

The best way to deal with him is NO CONTACT. Block him. Block the emails, block his phone calls. Change your number if you have to. Become invisible to him.

Cogal,

and I can't seem to feel passion, depth of connection with him????

I have to tell you that after going through this type of trauma with these lunatics, there is a "dead zone" in the passion departmant. Sorry. I have it too. I'm remarried to a wonderful man and my "passion" is dead. I love him and everything else is right, but that "passion" thing just won't kick in. It's been seven years. I get a glimps...but that's it. Honestly I had chaulked it up to age, but now that you mention it...well it could just be more NPD fall out. I don't know....

Fuck the fucking fuckers anyway!!!!!!!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks care. You're a true friend.
the addiction is a chink in his armor that XN would take advantage of.

I'll use this quote to remind me to do all I can to keep those boundary walls up between them.

I'm sorry it's hard right now Cogal, you were feeling so good a bit ago, but that's what they try to do, knock you down. Just a thought - do you have to accept texts from him? Especially if you have visitation orders that you can follow without changes? I pushed back and got a add a line cell # that's just for him, and he's not even supposed to text it, just call if he wants to make a change to the schedule or tell me he's paying for something-not. Now he just emails and never calls. But my phone is not constantly going off in my pocket only to spew his crap at me when I flip it open. It was killing me with anxiety when this was happening. If he had quiet day or too I would just worry for it to start again and what it would all be about. It's been amazing to have this relief, it's a real wall against him that I've been able to have.

Thanks for your wisdom Sadtoo.

Welcome also to those new here. It's a tough place to be but everyone here is the best. It helps to hear everyone's stories as painful as it is because I know it helps me to become wiser and stronger.

And it's good for some laughs,....fukin fukin fukkers indeed!


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver, it was good to read your post that the NPD can "act" so nice, compassionate, witty, etc etc.

My IC seems to think my WH is a combo of NPD with a lot BPD traits. What fun!!

It seems that my WH "controlled" me with his silent treatments and withdrawl of love without the anger. I guess because I was so easily controlled that way. He could gaslight me with all the charm, so I guess it was easier for him. I could discuss a problem with a friend or work, and he appeared to be concerned and even make good suggestions, but God forbid I tell him that something he did hurt me or my feelings!! Oh boy!! It got twisted around and around to the point I would be apologizing to him!! If the behavior was very blatant, it would have been easier to recognize. A Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll was sooooo charming!!!

I feel like I'm the one who is insane and don't trust myself, my feelings, and self esteem is naught.

Thank you all for listening.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm the one who is insane and don't trust myself, my feelings, and self esteem is naught.

It is my perception that this is common among us. I struggle with this. I have to fight the urge (today) to share some really nasty behaviors of Stretch's with a mutual acquaintance who is not even important to me. The trigger? He commented on her facebook post. I don't see him, and it was unpleasant to see his random comment on her Sunday afternoon post. I wanted to strike out. Warn her to keep Stretch out of her life, away from her husband as he is a "bad influence." I resisted. And I made the conscious decision to remove her from my friends on Facebook so I wouldn't face this situation again.

But it was a near thing! I thought about what to say, how to support it. Before letting it go and focusing on me and what I need- and what I don't. I don't need to get caught up in drama and everything related to him is drama.

Outside of here, I don't think anyone else truly thinks it is as bad or as crazy I know it is. They are sure I am exaggerating, or making it up, or even if they believe me 100% they shy away from the knowledge, don't know what to say or how to help.

I really just want to not feel crazy, or doubt myself and my sanity. I am tired. But being heard, and reading that I am not alone- helps, especially on days like today.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{caregiver}}}}
You did the right thing to "defriend" her. NC is the best course of action.

My mother is BPD and from dealing with her, I think my boundaries were blurred and I accepted a lot of what WH did because it seemed "familiar" although I was unhappy.
For years I tried to explain the things Mom did (like calling 7-9 x a day when she was only in her 40's) and when she didn't find me (I was married with 2 kids), she started calling all my friends' houses until she found me. People would say stupid things like, "She's lonely, she's your mother, etc" Makes you doubt yourself.
People really don't understand the extent of the craziness that can go on and judge just from what they know. Most people can't see through all that charm. They just see the outside facade and we want to scream at them "you should really know!!!"

Even my neighbor who knows my whole story said about WH, "If I didn't know your story, I would think your WH is so kind and polite." UH huh.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm the one who is insane and don't trust myself, my feelings, and self esteem is naught.

Yes, Caregiver is right in saying that most of us on this thread felt this way. Dealing with these f*ckers really does mess us up.


Outside of here, I don't think anyone else truly thinks it is as bad or as crazy I know it is. They are sure I am exaggerating, or making it up, or even if they believe me 100% they shy away from the knowledge, don't know what to say or how to help.


I really just want to not feel crazy, or doubt myself and my sanity. I am tired. But being heard, and reading that I am not alone- helps

Caregiver, I think maybe I wrote those exact words about 2 1/2 years ago when I stumbled into this thread.

Eventually you give up trying to discuss their antics with IRL people. I think they just cannot relate. At all.

Hugs to all the new names here. Keep posting. This place is such a wonderful wealth of information on personality disorders and how to deal with them.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reading in this forum is one of the places that the tears come. Acceptance. It is a powerful need in us, no? I get that here.

I am grateful in a way I find it impossible to express, but I keep trying.

((((tribe))))

tomorrow is another day that is not today.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a couple of questions. My WH and I are supposedly in R, but a year after D-day and a lot of crap from my WH, I am losing trust and endurance, so I'm considering D again:

1. I'm almost positive my WH is NPD, and I've noticed that one of the traits is "lack of empathy." My WH shows most adults no empathy, but is very empathetic with my daughter. Does anyone else on here find this to be the case?

2. After all the crap my NPD WH has put me through, some days he is really a sweet guy. I've seriously been considering D lately, but when he acts like a sweet guy, I feel like an awful person. AGAIN, is this the case for anyone else on here? And if so, how do you deal with it?

I appreciate any input you can give me.

[This message edited by SkeerdButHopeful at 2:23 PM, January 20th (Thursday)]


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone with NPD can be candy sweet one minute (or day) and nasty and ugly the next. The more they prize the relationship with the person the harder they try to keep it together and can for a period of time. But then they will direct their ugliness at someone else or something else. If you challenge them and/or fall out of grace with them you will become the next target.

I know that when my kids were small my ex would often be very good with them. As they grew they started to challenge him and piss him off. So then he would go on the attack (at times physically when he lost control) Like any abuser that would be followed by a period of honeymoon and making it up to them and then it would start all over.


It could be that for now your DD is still in his good graces.

I am still trying to get an agreement with my ex. He does this whole ignore thing as if I am going to leave it alone. When I then go back to using deadlines with him he gets all pissy with me. I just want this agreement mess done so we can go back to silence again. I just keep picturing the day when I no longer have to have anything to do with him. Just 5-6 more years. <sigh>


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you "co-parent" with an NPD ex? This post is pretty much just a rant about what has to be the most frustrating thing ever.

STBX told me he would fight me tooth and nail if I gave him anything other than joint legal and physical custody. He has a history of major verbal abuse with me and it is a huge relief not to have to live with him. However, we split the time with the kids 50/50 under temporary orders. Nothing is final - yet. They are very young (both under 6 years old).

I am starting to think this custody arrangement is a mistake. I feel like I was bullied into it by his threats. The schedule is very choppy - 2 days with one parent, 2 with the other and alternating weekends. It would be ok if STBX actually communicated with me about parenting and school stuff but he is all wrapped up in himself and any concern I raise with him is met with defensiveness and some sort of cheap shot directed at me.

In an earlier post on the D/S board, I talked about how DS told me that his dad leaves him and DD alone sometimes to go and buy cigarettes. To this day, I do not know the truth about this and it is eating away at me.

STBX was extremely defensive when I asked him about it which indicates to me that there might be some truth to the statement. It terrifies me to think that is the case.

If I talk to others about it, it seems as if no one believes me that someone could be as crazy as STBX is. I know all of you on this board understand, though.

I have to tell him to pay his share of daycare every single time and he never buys clothes or anything extra for the kids. He spends most of his weekends with the kids holed up in his house playing violent video games (Halo, Call of Duty, Red Dead Redemption) with DS for hours and hours on end while DD does who knows what.

DS is currently in therapy because he has anxiety issues and keeps saying that something happened at his dad's but he will "never tell."

STBX is in a long distance relationship with OW. I wish every day that he would just move away to be with her. I think I would have a party if he told me he was moving. I know that is bad to think that and that the kids need their dad but dealing with him like this is so exhausting and I worry so much about the long term effect he is going to have on these kids since he spends half the time with them.

He was hardly present as a parent while we were married so I am used to doing this on my own.

Thanks for listening...

[This message edited by mommyblonde at 9:10 PM, January 21st (Friday)]


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mommyblonde,

I am glad you are posting here. I remember the post you made in D/S about your ex. He is a piece of work. I don't think you can coparent with someone who is constantly using the parenting role to abuse you.

Now my personal belief is that this whole 50/50 parenting time is BS. Total crap for most situations but for sure with an N. Kids need a home. They need a relationship with both parents but it doesn't have to be equal time to be a relationship.

My lawyer says it isn't against the law to be a bad parent, so the video games and ignoring (wtf?) aren't likely to get you far. But it is against the law to abuse or neglect. Hopefully the therapist can get to the heart of what "happened" at Dad's and who can independently document what your ex is doing and not doing you will feel better, not come across as the vindictive crazy ex they want to paint us to be. And it will hopefully help your DS.

I think our kids need help, from us and outside help too, to define the boundaries they want in place with the N parent. To know that they have rights and feelings and that they can set boundaries and those boundaries should be respected. My kids were amazed when I got very firm with them about laws and society and (me) insisting that they are safe, everywhere all the time. It is my job, my duty and I will do it. They were maybe overwhelmed? It was after I found out Stretch had hit my youngest.

If you feel that a party would be in order if he left your lives then that is your gut talking. You will find others here who feel the same way. I always wonder at the people who say that they wish their ex would step up and be more present. Sure a more active parent would be great if they weren't dangerous, damaging and selfish every time they were around. I wish my boys had a more active dad- if he were someone else.

Even when we were married I wanted him to do more, and act in a different way. But I was there as a buffer and to "translate" -what Dad means when he says the only thing that matters is winning is that winning is fun, but someone also loses. You have to be a good sport no matter what side of the win or loss you are on. Now? I don't get to translate. And I can't step in when he gets angry and say walk away, I got this. He's on his own in the parenting and he is not good at it.

mb, I would rethink the 50/50. And I would try to change it now. Because court is going to continue the established pattern unless there is compelling reason not to.

Young kids in school need routine, a bedtime, a regular dinner hour, homework routine, and ONE HOUSE is the best for this IMO.

I feel you, mb. I am so sorry we have to parent with these people.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver, thanks for the advice. Great - as always!

You handle this situation with Stretch and your boys so well. I hope I can get to that point someday soon.

I am just triggering pretty bad because it is the weekend and the kids are with STBX. I am trying to keep myself busy but my mind keeps drifting to the kids. I am also approaching the third "antiversary" and I think that is contributing to my anxiety.

Last time DS had therapy (last week), the therapist came out and said to me that "something happened" and they would be working to get to the bottom of it. That makes me feel better to have a 3rd party involved.

However, I think STBX is already trying to influence the therapist! I have told him several times that DS is seeing a therapist, gave him the therapist's name, etc. but he really paid no attention to it in the past - he didn't seem to care.

However, last week, he found out that DS had a therapy appointment that day and immediately texted me and asked for the therapist's contact information. When I didn't respond right away, because I was driving home from the appointment, he sent messages that were just "???" Like, I was ignoring his original message or something.

Once I gave him the contact info - again - he then called the therapist - probably to try and cover his ass I am sure. Or, to make threats - who knows what that idiot will do. I can see him trying to throw his "power" around. When my lawyer tried to talk to him on the phone last year he told her to "F-off" and called her a "bitch." Who does that????

As for the 50/50 thing, I have been thinking about trying to approach STBX and frame it in a way that having them with me overnight on the weeknights (and alternate weekends) would benefit HIM. He struggles with getting DS to school on time and DS already has about 10 tardies for the school year. So, I thought about asking if it would be easier on HIM if we changed the arrangement so he didn't have to do the school drop off thing.

I don't know if this will work or not with an N - I am guessing it won't as this is all about control for him. One thing is for sure, STBX is terrified of going to court and that might work to my advantage in the long run. I have a boatload of information about him that he would not want to become public knowledge (he holds a high profile job in our community).


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

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