You are doing all the right things! Let ex go at the therapist. What better motivation for the therapist? And that kind of interaction will give a good view of what DS is dealing with.
Document the tardies. This can be very helpful if you have to fight for custody.
Having information that can motivate him to stay out of court is a good thing.
My story's a little different. I'm a BS who found out by accident 7months ago, that my WH had multiple affairs. Last A was supposedly 6-7 yrs ago. WH and I are in MC/IC.
Where my story is different... my sibling is also a BS and is pursuing D. His WW is non-remorseful and fits the description of a NPD to a "t". My sibling is in IC as well.
We're both great support for each other, but to see what he's going through on a day-to-day basis while he gets the house ready to sell is breaking me apart.
Are there any suggested articles that anyone can recommend for me to read in order to help me understand how best to support my sibling?
Many, many thanks.
[This message edited by so-crushed at 7:25 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)]
"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"
Skeerd, I think of their lips moving, but their hearts are far from me, stuff like that...
my pet showed up in church once too,
it didn't seem to show up in her.
I'd use the nice times especially!
to protect myself, to lead them on, to let them think I was "ok" with their fuckery, to let them think I was clueless, oblivious - to go back to the 'old ways' of when the blinders were on, and I didn't know what she was or what she was capable of.
I'd use that time of niceness and relative calm to protect myself, make a plan to detach and be safe, once the anticipated, inevitable, drama-filled shitstorm erupted.
[This message edited by so-crushed at 7:23 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)]
I think there are a few reasons I think he may be NPD and advice from all would help in my dealing with him.
First, it has always been his way. He will listen to no one. He had spent 12 years remodeling our house when I kept trying to get him to hire someone else as it took way too long for him to do it plus he was never a big part of our kids lives the entire time.
He felt no one could do it better than him although he is not a carpenter.
He would ask my opinion on something all the time, I would give him an opinion, if it was not the one he had he would consistently question my answer and then do it his way. For instance, him--"should I tear out our closet and bathroom and make one big bathroom?" me--"not unless you get someone to do it for you as it will take too long plus you would then have to make a closet in this room." He argued with me forever that he could do it, that it would not take long, etc. The very next day I left for a trip and the closet and bathroom were gone when I got back. It took him 6 years to finish this project.
He is extremely unemotional and it bothers him so much that I am what he considers "emotional" and therefore in his eyes "weak". We lost a child when I was 32 weeks pregnant and when I tried to talk to him he completely ignored me and told me I needed to "get over it" and to "stop dragging this all out" and this was about 2 weeks afterwards.
Whenever we would have an argument he was very difficult to talk to and took offense to anything I said as he felt I was blaming him. He has a very difficult time with being blamed for anything whatsoever and it has always been an issue with us.
Anyway, now that we are divorcing we are having major issues and he is trying to control everything. There is so much more but I guess first I have to see whether he is considered NPD.
He does not have some of the other characteristics I have read about but then again, he has always been very good at hiding his faults.
He was nothing like this when we first met and it is getting worse. Do they get worse as they get older?
I think his mom is NPD too--does this run in families?
The one big thing is they are both very selfish and only want to talk about themselves as well.
In the beginning of me finding out about the affair, we did go to MC but changed 3 times due to him not thinking they knew what they were talking about as they did not agree with him, etc.
I mainly need to know how to deal with him now--appreciate any insight.
both my STBXH and his mother dote on other people and their kids, always going on and on about how cute they look, how smart they are, etc. giving a lot of attention to people they barely know. But ignore my kids...
One time we had a woman come over to look at a car we were selling and while I was talking to her, my H took her little boy and was throwing him up in the air and running with him to play with some of my kids toys, I was so embarrassed as I thought it to be so odd. H's mom was there and kept saying how cute her little boy was, and how well behaved, just darling...
This while my son who was the same age, stood there and watched. He had the look on his face like "dad doesn't ever pay attention to me like that!"
Another trait of NPD?
Since you're divorcing - a good idea with a N - the common wisdom is to let everything, as much as you can! go through the lawyers and MINIMIZE CONTACT. They thrive on drama and control, so either way it suits them, as long as you're dealing with their most recent demands or *involved* in any way. You're happy, you're sad, you're raging, you're crying belly tears - it's all the same - NOTHING, but a drama-tingle.
Makes em feel like they're alive, since they don't. know. what. a. life. is.
I was not spoiled as a child, and I don't want my child spoiled, either. I really try to be firm when it comes to discipline. I have high expectations when it comes to her behavior, and she knows that I love her.
The problem-- my NPD WH gives her almost anything she wants. He really does love her, but he never really had much of a model when it comes to discipline. He told me yesterday, "Well, they're only young once." This was in response to her complaints that I hadn't cut up her miniature pizzas as small as my WH cuts them. I told my daughter that they were fine the size they were. Then WH cuts in and asks her if she wanted him to cut them up into tinier pieces. He does this a lot--jumps to her rescue from mean ol' mommy. If I give my daughter juice, she wants tea. If I give her tea, she wants juice. When she starts this game, I tell her to drink what I gave her. Then WH jumps in and give her what she wants "because that's what she wants."
This makes me furious, and it even gets worse when it comes to bedtime. Our daughter slept with us until she was four years old. I finally got her to sleep in her own bed, but my WH won't stick to the rules. Even after I read her a book, sing to her, and we say prayers and she's almost asleep, she insists that WH get her to sleep...and he will do it every time. He even makes a big deal out of getting her a glass of ice water with a straw to keep beside the bed EVERY NIGHT. He also puts the ipod in the room with her so they can listen to stories on it until she falls asleep. I know this may sound sweet, but I'm trying to teach her to go to sleep on her own. He will go in and close the door and stay with her until she is asleep. Most of the time he falls asleep and comes to our bed around 3 a.m.
His latest thing now is wanting to buy her an I-phone. She is five years old, for goodness sakes! She would lose an I-phone the first time she took it anywhere. And we recently filed for bankruptcy, and he just went back to work after quitting his other job back in April. We are BROKE!!!!
He really cares about our daughter and wants the best for her, but he has some crazy ideas about how to show his love. Our daughter adores him, and it's obvious that she would rather spend her time with him. Sometimes they even gang up against me. When my WH and I were S'd back in the spring, my daughter would try to "spank" me because I was being mean to her daddy. She doesn't understand all that he has done to me, and he would feed her a bunch of BS to get her on his side. This really hurts me because I want the best for her, too, but I don't want to raise a spoiled brat.
[This message edited by SkeerdButHopeful at 2:30 PM, February 1st (Tuesday)]
I've heard a ws irl tell their bs that they resented them because they appeared to be perfect. The ws wanted to hurt the bs because the ws had low self-esteem and couldn't figure out why the bs did not. Actually resented the bs for being happy with life in general when the ws was not.
SkeerdButHopeful I am not sure that there is much you can do about his actions right now. You can't make him act differently. He will likely have no understand of the impact of his actions on your DD and the power struggle will not do much to help. In time your DD may come to see what he is doing and see you being the good parent and taking the high road. My kids have had to have me be the 'mean' one but also the one who is there for them and who they can count on. They love me for that but it has taken many yrs to get there and they are now in their late teens.
Just be the best mom you can be.
I know that you are struggling with the whole stay or go. I look back over the years I stayed and wish that I could take them back because I see how the damage that was done to my kids even when I thought I was protecting them from the screwed up father. My biggest regret is not leaving sooner. The damage these people can do is often subtle.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I am bothered by the dynamic of raising your DD to the status of first in WH's world above you, the wife and mother. Catering to her in the way you describe really weirds me out. I think of the word grooming. I would pay attention to this very closely.
I believe your WH is punishing you by failing to support your parenting and by being the "good guy" and letting you be the "bad guy" by default... every single time. NOT fair. Not being a partner in parenting.
I would be furious and frustrated.
I think if you have others already on board with his NPD status and you see familiar stripes... well, call it a zebra.
Read here and post often. It does help to hear yep, me too. And the support.
Stretch is suing for full custody. that was his response to my filing for temp support and custody. He denies my claims for support and custody claiming the children would be better served by living with him.
I am going to pay a fortune to fight this. But I will win.
He hasn't lived with the kids since 2009. He left. He has no job. He is living 500 miles away with his girlfriend. He claims to be a sex addict but he doesn't "need help" or he isn't he's just special and has higher needs that explains his craigslist ads and hook ups. I can prove all of this. All of it many times over.
Does he really want to move the kids from their home their school? I have always been the caregiver. I stayed home since they were born. I returned to work to support and feed them.
I hate him.
I just wanted to get that out.
sighs again. I am tired of all of this. very very tired. I wish he would go away.
I am so sorry. Sounds like the typical NPD revenge tactics used when they feel like they are losing control of a situation.
Do you think he might calm down after a few days?
You have got all of the evidence on your side. You will be fine. Let him go into court and make a fool of himself.
My STBX is terrified of people finding out about the "real" him. He is also a self-diagnosed sex addict who was "cured" after two therapy sessions. If I threatened to expose some of his antics in court, it would probably shut him down. I have actually had to use this tactic in the past and am sure I will have to use it again soon.
So, if you think Stretch might respond in a similar fashion, you can always say, "Look, I really don't want to have to drag all of our dirty laundry into the courtroom." As long as you make it about him, he just might listen.
Keep us posted and good luck.
Yesterday during the court mandated parenting class it became clear to me that I have no NO recourse for justice. This does not sit well with me. I have no faith left in right trumping wrong, no faith in order or consequences or advocates for children or victims of infidelity.
I don't know how many "normal" WS figure this out and therefore I didn't want to post in D/S. But what I learned yesterday was that I can go to court, the court can order child support, spousal support, can order my legal fees be paid by Stretch. It can look great on paper. And then there is nothing. If Stretch fails to comply, I can find the money to take him back to court. And then what? They will shake their finger at him and tell him to "shape up." and when he continues to ignore the court order and spend his money on himself, to fail to make visitation, to be in contempt, there is another finger shaking.
Stretch has proven time and time again a willingness to ignore orders, a level of selfishness that will preserve his ego through any number of finger shakings.
I just feel as though my choices are fewer. And what is the purpose of the legal battle I am in? There is no point. No matter what, Stretch will do as he pleases, pay or not pay as he sees fit, show up when it is convenient. So why do I even care what the details in the final agreement are?
This is a low day for me.
I've posted here before ... not much but some.
I feel so alone. So scared. I let him go six months ago ... have ignored all the texts, voice mails, etc., the keep coming (and please don't tell me to block them ... the police I have talked to ask me to keep them in case 'something happens' to me or I want to file a harassment/stalking lawsuit later).
I just feel so sad. And ashamed. Ashamed of what I put myself and my pets through for four plus years. And ashamed ... that I still WISH he were different. Wish we could have gotten to where we BOTH wanted to be. I know this ... I KNOW he wanted to be a 'better' person, a loving companion, a man of my dreams.
But he wasn't. NOTHING I did was enough. And when he felt that way ... he left. He will claim he never 'left' me ... I only left him (when I broke up with him a dozen times for the lies) ... but he DID leave me. He left for other women ... wooing them ... telling them of my 'faults' and how I didn't love him enough ... telling them what they wanted to hear, so they would feel sorry for him, pity him, want to make him feel 'better'.
I want to puke. I want him back. I want to forget him ... and I can't. I want ..... so much. I can't stop crying lately ... and he's still sending me stupid, not-worth-a-crap eamils and texts, saying NOTHING.
He hasn't changed ... not one bit. It's all about him ... he never cared. And I cry.
[This message edited by stopthemadness at 7:06 PM, February 7th (Monday)]
Unfortunately in some cases the spousal support is not taken in the same light. I know where I live order like that can be taking out of any government moneys the person might get like tax returns etc. until the amounts are paid and failing that taken out of the old age pensions years down the road if nothing else.
Beyond that there is no way to order him to be a good parent. Heck anyone who refuses to be responsible to pay their support is not a good parental figure IMHO so why would you want then around the kids if you don't have to.
My ex would not pay anything if he could avoid it. He only pays because he knows someone will come after him if he doesn't. He gave up on the visits a long while ago and in many ways the kids are fine without him around.
stopthemadness I am sorry he is continuing the abuse you. He is abusing you and in many ways it makes it a much harder thing to heal from him. You have to keep the contacts but is there any way you can no read them? Having NC and moving on with your life is the best revenge when you have gone through something like this.
Your deserve to be with someone who can love you for the wonderful person that you are. He is not capable and nothing will change that. It is time to make a new life for yourself.
Have you considered getting some IC. I know that it was one thing that really helped me.