Thanks so much for the response. I thought this thread was dead ... or maybe I was a thread-killer.
Anyways, I was in counseling for two years about this. I even secretly recorded conversations between us ... or between our couples counselor ... for her to hear and 'witness'. She defintely said she felt he was a narcissist ... but couched it with "I've not met him though".
The thing with him ... and I've seen this on a thread in the General Section ... is his lack of empathy. For me ... for anything. I know some people believe they have to show sort of 'grandiose' behaviors, but shit, his lack of empathy for anyone else is, in my opinion, a sort of grandiosity! Do you agree? He didn't ever claim it, per se, but his sense of entitlement and the lack of empathy for anyone else (including my neighbor, that he know ... who had his house burn to the ground one year) ... was incredible. He also NEVER got how much the cheating and lying ... would affect me or us. He always said things like, "If you had just been a better girlfriend" ... or "If you had shown that you loved me more". It just slayed me, because I WAS trying so hard, but nothing I did was ever enough.
He hated every single one of my friends, my family, my pets ... EVERYTHING that he perceived took away my affections for him.
It just makes me sick. And yet, I still yearn for him at times. He was fun, he was engaging, he was affectionate (too much sometimes ... he was very sexually driven. Crap, he once said I 'constantly rejected him' ... and we had had sex 27 times the week before!!!)... he was generous. But it never lasted for any length of time. Within a few hours of being together ... a fight would break out.
I just hate that I still think about him. Wondering ... and wishing. I guess I should go to bed now. That helps.
Again, thanks for responding ... and thanks for listening. It helps.
I know that I have to make a conscious effort to move forward with my life and the rest of it followed in time.
Focus on the things in your life now that are better because he is gone. Also full your new life with positive. It helps alot because it will make your now much more appealing to you so that you won't want what was.
There is so much better out there for you so embrace it.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I stayed in the house so tied to what was, and had to continue in all the other roles so it was, at times, like nothing had changed but it was just as if he was at work or something.
This really struck a chord with me Lied2. I was almost becoming agrophobic. This really makes a lot of sense. Being scared of change, wanting security so badly that one might put up with outrageous behavior.
I can't stand that his world revolves around him. It's tearing me apart and I'm losing my mind.
Even though divorcing him sounds like the best idea in the world, I'm terrified. I know he's gonna flip. I'm calling Legal Aid and a few other places on Monday.
One of the things that got to me tonight was for the past week I've been asking him to pick me up a simple USB to micro USB cord from work for like $2. Today he goes to Best Buy and spends $20 on a car charger & wall charger set that I cannot use. So I was polite as I could be explaining I couldn't use it. All I got out of him was "Why?" and "That makes no sense." After I finally raised my voice a bit and explained I am not using them, he skulks off downstairs. On the way down he mumbles something like "Chalk this up to me thinking and being wrong, again." UGH!
BUT when I do something similar I am "Stupid" or he says "That's what you get for thinking" and so on until I'm in tears.
I'm tired of it.
Thanks for the thread to let me vent.
It is a horrific way to live. I swear being alone is so much easier than living with that crap.
If you are concerned he is going to flip them maybe it is best to find out all the information you need and then once you have the plan ready don't tell him until you have already left. With someone who is volitile you are in the most dange as you are leaving and for a period of time after. Knowing that you need to protect yourself and put yourself ahead of the rest.
"That's what you get for thinking"
AAARRRGGG!!! That hit a nerve for me. This is something my STBXH would say to me all the time.
Very frustrating to deal with.
I know how scary it is to divorce and go out on your own but hell, not having to put up with this kind of crap all the time does have its advantages.
This AM he got into my stash of cash, with permission, but knocked over a spray bottle of green soap. It emptied all over my clean sweat pants I had laying out for the morning. UGH! He didn't pick it up.
He's a hoarder too. My stuff is junk his is treasure. So, oops, oh well, sorry, it was in my way. Dork.
When we moved, I got rid of half my stuff and he would not get rid of anything. His junk was more valuable than anything I had. We paid to move it across the country. Totally stupid.
I did finally get him to come and get it out of the house though and now some of it is in storage and a lot of it (including his moms ugly, morbid oil paintings) are hopefully hanging on the whores walls.
What the hell is it that their shit is worth dragging all over the country and my stuff, eh- not so much.
We moved a half dozen concrete hoes, and empty containers of caulk, and his old boy scout uniform and anything else he had ever owned at any time in his life. But my kids' Christmas tree? no. I had it out and in the pile of "please bring to the new house" and never imagined it wasn't here in the attic until Christmas when well it wasn't.
We moved a half dozen concrete hoes, and empty containers of caulk, and his old boy scout uniform and anything else he had ever owned at any time in his life.
OMG! Is this a common NPD trait?? We moved empty containers of caulk too and a pair of corduroy bellbottoms from his middle school days. Piles of wood and old paint brushes, all his grade school, high school and college books. Boxes and boxes of junk. I was so embarrassed when the movers came to pack and saw the junk we were taking with us! 3000 miles he moved this crap and made me get rid of a bunch of the kids toys they still played with!!
I wish I could contribute more, I'm still figuring all of this out, but I wanted to ask about WH buying and giving gifts.
WH always seemed to be so generous and buys gifts for people, and can almost be extravagant at time. He buys for me too, (Of course he, himself is the number one recipient for the gifts)
I don't get it. Is it because he feels he's "buying' people's affection? Sometimes I hear him complain that so and so didn't help him or do what he wanted and add that he bought this thing for them and they are not grateful.
Sometimes it seems calculated when he buys the gifts like for business associates. Other times it's more so the other person will feel good, or that they won't get mad.
I'm sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this. I think it's just it almost seems counterintuitive to NPD when he APPEARS to be so generous, or is it just to make himself look good?
Thank you for your input.
Of course I am not sure if my H is even NPD but he has quite a bit of the signs so I am just assuming.
I do notice with him when he first meets people he is very generous, paying for drinks and dinners but when it is people like family he is very cheap. He always treats other people better than his own family.
They both shower attention on people they do not know very well and it seems to be to look good so most likely this is your H's way of looking good to others. And buying himself all the new gadgets looks good for himself too--at least I can imagine he thinks this.
I would love to hear other peoples takes on this and where their NPD falls with the gift-giving.
Then he gets pissed when he gets nothing in return.
For himself? If he wanted it, he bought it. You wouldn't believe the stuff he convinced me he had to have for "work." And shoes? The man has shoes like you would not believe. And clothes. The "I'm having a Maalox moment" tshirt from 1990 is one I don't miss at all. OR the Jimmy Buffet concert t's.
trixie, did you and I share a husband? Because I was sure the empty container of caulk was a unique quirk.
But I do believe in general WH buys gifts to "show off" or show how generous he is.
I went to IC today and discussed again whether WH was a NPD with BPD tendencies or a BPD with NPD tendencies. She said that there are ways of checking off lists to determine, but even if WH was not fully with a PD, everyone is an individual with different traits and we should just look at his symptoms and deal with those.
So the "symptoms" for my WH seem to be both NPD/BPD and sometimes I believe he has some ADD traits also.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 5:35 PM, February 17th (Thursday)]
My STBXH was the same way--making people he barely knew totally uncomfortable playing with their kids while my kids would stand and watch. Looking back people probably thought the whole thing was completely creepy.
My MIL (almost more NPD than my H) was horrible with the gifts--for my daughters first b-day, she sent her 5 used dresses that were size 5 and 6. She was one! For her 2nd b-day she gave her a figurine for her dresser that was broken and glued back together. It fell apart again while I took it out of the box and then I saw the glue.
She got me a huge XXL sweater that looked like a mans for my birthday one year--and I wear a size medium. It came down to my knees.
After knowing her 18 yrs I would just do the same back to her--most of her Christmas gifts came from the dollar store.
So the "symptoms" for my WH seem to be both NPD/BPD and sometimes I believe he has some ADD traits also.
What does the IC recommend you do to deal with all this?? Does she recommend any books to read?
Just like the old story of the frog in boiling water....If you put a frog in boiling water, he jumps out, but if yoiu put him in cold water and slowly heat it to boiling, the frog stays in and dies.
How's that for a snappy title? It rhymes too, especially pleasing to me!
I've toyed with
- RUN! RUN! RUN!
(Don't wait for yo mamma to take the Tbird Away!)
- GO AWAY LITTLE GIRL
- THAT WHICH DOES NOT DESTROY YOU (Will Keep on Trying to Destroy You or Hump Your Leg Like an Energizer Bunny)
- FUCK EM I'M DONE
(I'm Done, Fuck em)
- YOU GET THE MASSAGE?
(You Sorry Idiot)
A little Marshall McLuhan thrown in there for a twisting bit, but really guys - can we have a little fun?
I would PAY to hear this thread's inventions for titles.
SI, this thread especially, is like reporting from a war zone, on the ground. The ongoing real-life struggles and anguish that we read on here...
I suggest reading books about YOU, and how to heal from abuse. The drive to understand them,
in the end,
becomes the attempt to understand you,
and why you 'chose them'.
The 'checklist' thing (to differentiate) is a good dodge...I admire that. In the end, it comes down to how much they've experienced, and read on here (we are THAT good), and how it "feels"...
I still might go with
- WILL YOU GET OUT ALREADY?
(fukin fukin fukker!)
I've been thinking of writing a book.
"IF YOU ARE NPD OR BPD I DON'T CARE, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME"
(I have some free time if you would like a co-author)