Of course he does not want to go through lawyers as he does not trust them and has made sure I do not have enough money to see one. I refuse to negotiate with him as I do not trust him whatsoever.
Big red flag!!! Yes, you must get a lawyer. Consult one in the new state and the "old" state. I see from your post that you tried to buy another house in your old state. See if you can buy a smaller one.
I truly understand your dilemma since I'm going through a similar situation. But stick to your guns and don't let him talk to you about not getting a lawyer. These NPD's do NOT see fairness. Do you or he have any family? Do they know the sitch? I do know that my WH gets embarrassed from his aunt and tries to look good. He finally bought me a new used car because she shamed him into it. He wants to look like the good guy. If that works for your WH, use that card if you can.
I used to feel doing things like that was "playing games" and like my user name, I would never do something like that. But when it comes to dealing with a NPD, all bets are off and survival is the name of the game.
Let us know what the lawyer in the old state says.
Also, do NOT sell anything PRIOR to talking to your attorney. That all smells like a big fat rat to me. There may be tons of equity in that house that he will have to pay you. And he and OW may have a plan to "short sell" it to her as a way to hide that equity. If you sell the house to her prior to divorcing, it's like you agreed to "giving" OW your house. NO! No! No!!
I think you are in a pretty good position to be able to live pretty comfortable. Just don't let him manipulate you outnof what is legally yours.
Don't tell him you're talking to the attorney, just do it.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I know with my ex I was afraid to leave him because I was not sure how the kids and I would manage. Once I could not take it any more I went and saw a lawyer. I ended up doing ok over all. Heck I would have rather lived in an apaetment with my kids than a jerk like him anyday but I was fortunate and it didn't work out that way.
Do you have family back in the old state? It would be helpful to have someone on your side in all this.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
sadtoo--you are definitely right about him trying to short sale it to her--that was his plan and then for them both to move into it and he claims a loss on our taxes.
His fairness radar is way off and following the rules just do not apply to him.
lied2--is it true that if I document all the money he has spent on her I can get that back? I have read that before on here but asked the lawyer and he said if he spends any of the money we have in the bank (all in his name) there is nothing I can do about it. I just have always thought what you said was true...
It is best to give your lawyer all the weapons you can to fight with.
You will likely need a shark of a lawyer who will fight for you. Your STBX sounds like a real piece of work and these people do make issues that noone in their right mind would and some lawyers are not capable of launching an adequate fight.
Also things like the house deal to show that he is dishonest might be helpful.
He sounds like is also trying to hide assets and would do anything to screw you over. My ex tried some of that and he got burned on it because I had proof of lots of things (loans to family members without my consent so he could keep those funds).
I wonder if these NPD types are attracted to the honest type at first because they know they can trust us?
Wonder no more trixie. You were chosen precisely because you have the best qualities a human being can have - in abundance!
It was YOU who loved without reservation, who had a full heart, who gave all of your enormous potential, from a natural right-as-rain heart.
YOU who gave everything to the last finally-saved ounce of your being to "make it work". Some might say you were targeted - you had so much giving potential within you...either way, you are here because of how wonderful and special YOU are. Do not lose sight of that.
When I began to realize this, when I began to see this this in my day-to-day interactions, when I came on SI and someone told me I was picked because of my specialness? Then
I started to heal.
It's not about them after all.
I think lied2 is right about the money, in some states.
My fear though is that you are in a "no fault" state and that money will not be considered protected UNTIL you have filed.
And the same thing may be what's going on with your house. Don't agree to anything.
For example: Let's say the house is worth $400,000. You owe $150,000. There is $250,000 in equity in the house. YOU are entitled to $125,000. Now, if he tries to pull a fast one and short sell her the house for $140,000, your bank would probably do it just because of the state of the economy.
I think his tax reasoning is just bullshit. He wants the tax kickback, but then he and OW are going to continue living in a $400,000 house for $140,000. Then in the mean time he's going to screw you out of $125,000 CASH.
NO, No, no!!!
But if he does this prior to you talking to a lawyer, you may be out of luck and there might be nothing you can do.
The other thing to consider is if he is thinking like this about the house, then he is probably trying to hide other assets too. You need to find out what's going on before he puts everything in OW's name or hides it all together.
And yes. NPD's do choose us because of our honesty and our other fabulous characteristics. But find your inner bitch and go after this guy. If you don't start playing hard ball and protect yourself, he and OW will try and take everything. Believe me, these lunatics don't think "we" deserve so much as bread crumbs.
I remember when my XNPDH and I first started talking divorce. I told him that we would be better off to try and be civil because the attorneys are just going to end up with all the money. I had brought most of the assets into our marriage and even though he had cheated, etc, I offered that we sell everything, pay off all the debt, split the proceeds and go our separate ways. (we didn't have any kids and I just wanted to avoid the hassle.) he looked me straight in the face and said, "No. I want everything!!"
He went on to make our divorce the most miserable, insane experience I have ever gone through in my life.
He would literally spend $5000 (his mom & dad's money or OW's money) fighting trying to get some item of mine that was worth $500. It was insane. He fought for things that weren't even ours (mine). They were things that he had "access" to during our marriage. Things that belonged to and were owned by my parents that he believed (no insisted) he was entitled to. It was insane.
So get representation. The sooner, the better with these lunatics.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:22 PM, March 10th (Thursday)]
sadtoo--omg, now I am getting really scared! Can he sell the house without my knowledge if my name is on the deed but not the mortgage?
The new state is no-fault, the old state is fault. I am looking to move back asap (not as easy as it sounds) and definitely filing fault.
I have read all the old posts from this thread and have wondered how so many of the ones who posted long ago are doing. I think it is such a unique situation dealing with these types of people that this is the only place I really get people who understand the craziness of how to deal with the very selfish, totally unremorseful, never at fault NPD.
Would love to hear how you all are doing after you get past the beginning stage and how it is dealing with NPD as co-parent, etc.
Glad to hear you are doing well itsabattle. Your username says it all!
What I do know is that this is all about him. He's remorseful when it's convenient for him, he's self-pitying, he's self-aggrandizing and he's currently knee-deep in the belief that this is everyone ELSE's fault because he's a giving person, and we all just took from him.
he keeps demanding that I look at things from his perspective because it's much worse on his side, my pain is nothing compared to his. And I'm a horrible, cold person for not being nice to him and just forgetting the 3 1/2 year affair with a woman 12 years older than me who was paying him for sex with expensive gifts. He says he apologized, he's sorry, that should be enough.
Is this NPD?
It is hard to move on. I have moved on and even remarried. But I am sure I will be forever scarred from this horrible experience. I think what has helped me is to accept that the damage has been done and continue to focus on me and my healing instead of focusing on what a Nutball he is. It has taken lots of therapy and bottles of anti-depressants, but I'm getting there!
I didn't mean to scare you, but please get the attorney.
No, he can't LEGALLY sell the house to her without your knowledge and signature. But, NPD's are not always on the up and up. Mine tried to get falsified documents stating that he had "power of attorney" over my affairs and tried to sell MY house. I'm just saying, don't trust him.
Also, I would say this is VERY good news that your old state is a "fault" state. In that case you very well may get all the money back that he spent on OW. I would be on the phone and wiring my retainer ASAP.
Don't be scared. Be strong. You can do it!!
NeverHadaChance - The things you are describing sound about right for NPD. He's certainly right up there on the narcissism scale, isn't he? It helps to know what you might be dealing with, and it helps to talk things over with others who deal with the same flavor of crazy.
Itsa!!! Good to see you! Congrats on the positive steps you have made in the forward direction. Wonderful.
[This message edited by woundedby2 at 2:45 PM, March 11th (Friday)]
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Has he always been like this or is it situational (like just during his affair)?
She would come "help" me when my kids were born. It would go something like this:
She spends hours and hours on the computer looking for a boat to buy while I take care of a newborn and preschooler. I am trying to fix dinner and vacuum up all the dog hair in the corners of the house and she comes into the living room and says, "You should not be vacuuming--you just had a c-section!!" and I would say something like "Oh, you are right. Do you want to take over?" and she would walk away and say "You are doing such a wonderful job!" and go back to her laptop to find that all-important boat.
Same thing with holidays at our house--me doing all the cooking, cleaning up after everyone, etc. and she would come in to see if I needed help. If I said yes she would stand around and talk a bit, say how wonderful everything was and then go back in the living room and sit and talk to my H (who never helped) and his dad.
Glad to not have to have those fun holidays anymore!!
imstillangry--what are some of the things he does that makes you think he is both?
[This message edited by itsabattle at 1:14 AM, March 12th (Saturday)]
Hang in there. Just keep remembering how much better off you are without that Nutball living in your house!
For me, things have finally settled down. No psycho sightings for awhile now. Finally starting to get caught back up financially. It's only taken almost 10 years.