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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course he does not want to go through lawyers as he does not trust them and has made sure I do not have enough money to see one. I refuse to negotiate with him as I do not trust him whatsoever.

Big red flag!!! Yes, you must get a lawyer. Consult one in the new state and the "old" state. I see from your post that you tried to buy another house in your old state. See if you can buy a smaller one.

I truly understand your dilemma since I'm going through a similar situation. But stick to your guns and don't let him talk to you about not getting a lawyer. These NPD's do NOT see fairness. Do you or he have any family? Do they know the sitch? I do know that my WH gets embarrassed from his aunt and tries to look good. He finally bought me a new used car because she shamed him into it. He wants to look like the good guy. If that works for your WH, use that card if you can.

I used to feel doing things like that was "playing games" and like my user name, I would never do something like that. But when it comes to dealing with a NPD, all bets are off and survival is the name of the game.

Let us know what the lawyer in the old state says.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would definitely file in the old state where you will get lifetime alimony. Get the attorney. Go talk to (preferably a shark) first and explain your delimma. You may be in a situation where the courts will order your WH to pay your attorney cost. If he needs a retainer, maybe you could borrow just to get you started. But DEFINATELY get an attorney.

Also, do NOT sell anything PRIOR to talking to your attorney. That all smells like a big fat rat to me. There may be tons of equity in that house that he will have to pay you. And he and OW may have a plan to "short sell" it to her as a way to hide that equity. If you sell the house to her prior to divorcing, it's like you agreed to "giving" OW your house. NO! No! No!!

I think you are in a pretty good position to be able to live pretty comfortable. Just don't let him manipulate you outnof what is legally yours.

Don't tell him you're talking to the attorney, just do it.

Good luck!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Document all the $$$ he is spending on her if you can. You are entitled to 1/2 of that as well. Definitally get a shark of a lawyer and go after him for whatever you and the children are entitled to. Don't tell him until you have everything into place because it is possible he could go nuts on you and put you and the kids in danger.

I know with my ex I was afraid to leave him because I was not sure how the kids and I would manage. Once I could not take it any more I went and saw a lawyer. I ended up doing ok over all. Heck I would have rather lived in an apaetment with my kids than a jerk like him anyday but I was fortunate and it didn't work out that way.

Do you have family back in the old state? It would be helpful to have someone on your side in all this.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault--I am so much like your username as well. I wonder if these NPD types are attracted to the honest type at first because they know they can trust us? Unfortunately his mom (I think) is NPD too and doesn't seem to care what he is doing although she used to love to gossip about all the horrible men who left their wives and families for whores.

sadtoo--you are definitely right about him trying to short sale it to her--that was his plan and then for them both to move into it and he claims a loss on our taxes.
His fairness radar is way off and following the rules just do not apply to him.

lied2--is it true that if I document all the money he has spent on her I can get that back? I have read that before on here but asked the lawyer and he said if he spends any of the money we have in the bank (all in his name) there is nothing I can do about it. I just have always thought what you said was true...


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can document that he spent the money to carry on the affair 1/2 that money is yours. It may also apply to certain states but I would think that it is pretty many of the states.

It is best to give your lawyer all the weapons you can to fight with.

You will likely need a shark of a lawyer who will fight for you. Your STBX sounds like a real piece of work and these people do make issues that noone in their right mind would and some lawyers are not capable of launching an adequate fight.

Also things like the house deal to show that he is dishonest might be helpful.

He sounds like is also trying to hide assets and would do anything to screw you over. My ex tried some of that and he got burned on it because I had proof of lots of things (loans to family members without my consent so he could keep those funds).


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if these NPD types are attracted to the honest type at first because they know they can trust us?

Wonder no more trixie. You were chosen precisely because you have the best qualities a human being can have - in abundance!

It was YOU who loved without reservation, who had a full heart, who gave all of your enormous potential, from a natural right-as-rain heart.
YOU who gave everything to the last finally-saved ounce of your being to "make it work". Some might say you were targeted - you had so much giving potential within you...either way, you are here because of how wonderful and special YOU are. Do not lose sight of that.

When I began to realize this, when I began to see this this in my day-to-day interactions, when I came on SI and someone told me I was picked because of my specialness? Then

I started to heal.
It's not about them after all.
So amazing!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trixi,
Please get a lawyer asap.

I think lied2 is right about the money, in some states.

My fear though is that you are in a "no fault" state and that money will not be considered protected UNTIL you have filed.

And the same thing may be what's going on with your house. Don't agree to anything.

For example: Let's say the house is worth $400,000. You owe $150,000. There is $250,000 in equity in the house. YOU are entitled to $125,000. Now, if he tries to pull a fast one and short sell her the house for $140,000, your bank would probably do it just because of the state of the economy.
I think his tax reasoning is just bullshit. He wants the tax kickback, but then he and OW are going to continue living in a $400,000 house for $140,000. Then in the mean time he's going to screw you out of $125,000 CASH.

NO, No, no!!!

But if he does this prior to you talking to a lawyer, you may be out of luck and there might be nothing you can do.

The other thing to consider is if he is thinking like this about the house, then he is probably trying to hide other assets too. You need to find out what's going on before he puts everything in OW's name or hides it all together.

And yes. NPD's do choose us because of our honesty and our other fabulous characteristics. But find your inner bitch and go after this guy. If you don't start playing hard ball and protect yourself, he and OW will try and take everything. Believe me, these lunatics don't think "we" deserve so much as bread crumbs.

I remember when my XNPDH and I first started talking divorce. I told him that we would be better off to try and be civil because the attorneys are just going to end up with all the money. I had brought most of the assets into our marriage and even though he had cheated, etc, I offered that we sell everything, pay off all the debt, split the proceeds and go our separate ways. (we didn't have any kids and I just wanted to avoid the hassle.) he looked me straight in the face and said, "No. I want everything!!"

He went on to make our divorce the most miserable, insane experience I have ever gone through in my life.

He would literally spend $5000 (his mom & dad's money or OW's money) fighting trying to get some item of mine that was worth $500. It was insane. He fought for things that weren't even ours (mine). They were things that he had "access" to during our marriage. Things that belonged to and were owned by my parents that he believed (no insisted) he was entitled to. It was insane.

So get representation. The sooner, the better with these lunatics.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:22 PM, March 10th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all those who remember me! I only come on here every now and then as I have been busy trying to move on. I think I have a little bit!! I am about to start a new job, I have gone on a few date (no second dates! All asked which was nice but none of them were for me), and I am slowly moving away from the mess that was my life. My question to my old wise friends - why is it so hard to move on - I really want to and try really hard but I never seem to ever get to where I want! I feel that my confidence has taken such a hammering that making decisions is really difficult for me. His legacy still lives on (nowhere as near as much as it used to) but I am certainly a different person to what I used to be. The kids are now more difficult to manage - another legacy I guess - especially my daugher who has real issues of blame. She blames me for everything - how bizarre is that????? Anyway thanks for letting me rant - I think I will be visiting again soon as I think/hope I can put something back into this thread now time has moved on. I hope all of the lovely people who I used to talk to on here are well.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awe, jjct--thanks--we all need to hear that and you have made my day!

sadtoo--omg, now I am getting really scared! Can he sell the house without my knowledge if my name is on the deed but not the mortgage?
The new state is no-fault, the old state is fault. I am looking to move back asap (not as easy as it sounds) and definitely filing fault.

I have read all the old posts from this thread and have wondered how so many of the ones who posted long ago are doing. I think it is such a unique situation dealing with these types of people that this is the only place I really get people who understand the craziness of how to deal with the very selfish, totally unremorseful, never at fault NPD.
Would love to hear how you all are doing after you get past the beginning stage and how it is dealing with NPD as co-parent, etc.
Glad to hear you are doing well itsabattle. Your username says it all!


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
NeverHadAChance
♀ Member
Member # 30103
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted here once because I suspect my STBXH is NPD, but he might also be BPD... I don't know.

What I do know is that this is all about him. He's remorseful when it's convenient for him, he's self-pitying, he's self-aggrandizing and he's currently knee-deep in the belief that this is everyone ELSE's fault because he's a giving person, and we all just took from him.

he keeps demanding that I look at things from his perspective because it's much worse on his side, my pain is nothing compared to his. And I'm a horrible, cold person for not being nice to him and just forgetting the 3 1/2 year affair with a woman 12 years older than me who was paying him for sex with expensive gifts. He says he apologized, he's sorry, that should be enough.

Is this NPD?


If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BW, 32 - me
XWH, 32 - him
DDay 10/21/10
False R for 3 weeks
together 10 years, married 4 years
Divorced 8/30/2011


Posts: 624 | Registered: Nov 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Itsa!
Glad to see you! I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing.

It is hard to move on. I have moved on and even remarried. But I am sure I will be forever scarred from this horrible experience. I think what has helped me is to accept that the damage has been done and continue to focus on me and my healing instead of focusing on what a Nutball he is. It has taken lots of therapy and bottles of anti-depressants, but I'm getting there!

trixie,
I didn't mean to scare you, but please get the attorney.

No, he can't LEGALLY sell the house to her without your knowledge and signature. But, NPD's are not always on the up and up. Mine tried to get falsified documents stating that he had "power of attorney" over my affairs and tried to sell MY house. I'm just saying, don't trust him.

Also, I would say this is VERY good news that your old state is a "fault" state. In that case you very well may get all the money back that he spent on OW. I would be on the phone and wiring my retainer ASAP.

Don't be scared. Be strong. You can do it!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trixie - Yes, you've got to get an attorney. A good one. A strong ball-buster type. To get divorced from the NPD is a nightmare. They will fight tooth and nail for the stupidest things, and they will drag things out as long as possible. The whole thing becomes a game to them. And they are determined to win at any cost.

NeverHadaChance - The things you are describing sound about right for NPD. He's certainly right up there on the narcissism scale, isn't he? It helps to know what you might be dealing with, and it helps to talk things over with others who deal with the same flavor of crazy.

Itsa!!! Good to see you! Congrats on the positive steps you have made in the forward direction. Wonderful.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 2:45 PM, March 11th (Friday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NHAC,
Any time there is a bad case of me, me, me, me, me'ism. Chances are pretty good you're dealing with NPD.

Has he always been like this or is it situational (like just during his affair)?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
imstillangry
♀ Member
Member # 30154
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone explain some examples of the differance between npd and pa type behaviors. I have read about both and I am not sure, but he seems to fit both to me, is that possible?

Posts: 447 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it's not only possible but "dual diagnosis" is pretty common.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know that dual diagnosis was pretty common. My MIL has always been both to me--more on the PA side maybe but really not sure.

She would come "help" me when my kids were born. It would go something like this:

She spends hours and hours on the computer looking for a boat to buy while I take care of a newborn and preschooler. I am trying to fix dinner and vacuum up all the dog hair in the corners of the house and she comes into the living room and says, "You should not be vacuuming--you just had a c-section!!" and I would say something like "Oh, you are right. Do you want to take over?" and she would walk away and say "You are doing such a wonderful job!" and go back to her laptop to find that all-important boat.

Same thing with holidays at our house--me doing all the cooking, cleaning up after everyone, etc. and she would come in to see if I needed help. If I said yes she would stand around and talk a bit, say how wonderful everything was and then go back in the living room and sit and talk to my H (who never helped) and his dad.
Glad to not have to have those fun holidays anymore!!

imstillangry--what are some of the things he does that makes you think he is both?


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
imstillangry
♀ Member
Member # 30154
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he seems to take anything I say and make it seem as if I am the one who did or said those things. He seems to always be dangling a carrot in front of me if he knows it is important to me. If he says he likes a resturaunt and then finds out I like it, he will claim he doesn't and not want to go there anymore, even if he goes there with other people. Not long ago, we had a fight and he got out of the car. It was really foggy and even though I waited for him to come back for 20 minutes and drove the route home 2 times looking for him, he came home and demanded an apolgy from me for making him walk home Lots of examples, I could go on and on.

Posts: 447 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is with these npd freaks is that you can never win - you are trying to explain the unexplainable - it can't be done. The only way to move forward is to accept that (and it is hard) and there will come a point when you will realise all the explaining and understanding in the world cannot show why the are so disgusting. They just are.
I had a massive row with my ex as he let my daughter down on her birthday (this was the first time I had ever shouted at him) and he called me a "fat phsyso". Oh the irony!!
My advice to you is to get legal advice,,get therapy and protect yourself. Any interaction with these foul people leaves you feeling soiled - get away and stay away.
Having to parent with an npd freak is impossible - it is always a battle - never any support - conflicting messages etc etc. From a parental point of view I have stopped asking for his support because there isn't any - just another reason for him to metaphorically beat me up.
My pet freak has gone onto marry ow and they are now very wealthy. Life looks good for him whereas mine is still a bloody struggle. They will always win - you just have to stop playing their game and play your own.
Sadtoo - still here then...still giving sound advice...what a lady!
Trixie - we all have a story of survival. Scarred but surviving.
Wounded - still getting there! Onwards!!

[This message edited by itsabattle at 1:14 AM, March 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa,
So good to see you again!! I've missed you.

Hang in there. Just keep remembering how much better off you are without that Nutball living in your house!

For me, things have finally settled down. No psycho sightings for awhile now. Finally starting to get caught back up financially. It's only taken almost 10 years.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can believe it's taken that long. I'm only four out so I guess I can look to you and think I'm ok time-wise. I think it is easy to under-estimate your recovery time.
And you are right - ANYTHING is better than having that lunatic in my house. I rue the day my path crossed his.
Sadtoo- can I ask you a question? And I really value you your opinion on this as only someone who has gone through this nightmare really gets what you are going through.
How long or how do you get your confidence back? Mine is shot to pieces. I don't feel that I am capable of a relationship (or worthy, I guess ) and it stops me being able to connect with a man. I seem only to be able to connect on a superfical/sexual level - as soon as it seems as if someone wants to get close emotionally - off I run. I either sort this out or accept I will be alone for ever!
I don't know about anyone else on here but the ex has left me feeling very unattractive and ugly.
Another hurdle for me to get over - but this is a big one!!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
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