I am nowhere near the self assured confident woman I once was.
It's weird though because in some areas I'm more confident, but in others, I'm way worse.
Give me a fight, and I will go up against anyone. I'm not afraid to fight city hall.
I guess after fighting that idiot as long as I did and trying so hard to get someone to help me or listen to me built my confidence.
But sexually, I'm a mess. I don't know if I will ever be right again. I just can't get past the emotional rape I experienced with that creep. I opened up to him more than I ever have (sexually) and it (he) was a total and complete fraud. It's like I was having sex with the devil and didn't know it.
Ugh. I don't know if I will ever get past it.
Sorry. I'm probably not much help help.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I feel very confident. I have proven to myself that I am capable, I am a survivor of a horrible trauma. I am proud of how I am doing. I feel good. My head is high, my back straight, I have lost a LOT of weight (that I needed to lose) and I think I look good.
But, I am not interested or willing to be sexually vulnerable. I did that, and honestly, it didn't turn out so good for me. It is not something I think about or miss. It is "gone." Will my sexual desire, my want for intimacy return someday? Who knows. Right now my children are small enough that physical touch needs are fulfilled with cuddles and hugs and kisses from them. My emotional needs are met by my girlfriends and sharing here on SI. I have plenty of people to talk to. And the rest of a partnership... turns out I had the lion's share anyway, so not much has changed. The trade off of not having to worry about his shit and tip toe around the monster actually makes life easier.
Bit of a ramble...
Nice to meet you itsabattle. The scars from these relationships are lifelong I think. I have decided to count mine as battle scars and am damn proud to have them. It is proof I survived. They make me more beautiful and prove I am strong and capable. My own "f you" if you will to the NPD freak.
I agree with the idea that we are chosen, targeted, selected, wooed and pursued for our very "wonderfulness." We are more loving, forgiving, generous, honest, caring, trusting than anyone else the NPD had met before us. If we weren't, then the role we were selected for would have already been filled. I am still all of those things. But add cynical, angry, and tired. Working on the angry part.
And lately, my new husband. He's the best and thinks I am too!
I know you didn't want to take the anti-d's. It seems I remember you got them but hadn't started taking them. Did you ever start? Did they help?
I still take a mild dose. I went off all of the meds a few years ago. Things had settled down with XNPDH and I was feeling good.
But then I was back to dealing with my emotional ups and downs that occur every month, and I felt I liked myself a lot better on the meds than not. I seem to function much better, emotionally. So I went back on.
Then the manipulation started after I was hooked.
I also agree that we are targeted. I don't believe many people would put up with the nonsense. WH always would be telling me how he argued with this person or that, whether business, family or friends.
Of course his side of the story always sounded so reasonable. I found out the whole truth about so many things after DDay.
I came to realize it wasn't all these "bad" business people. It was HIM!!!
WH should get an academy award for acting so nice and polite and charming. A wolf in sheep's clothing.
I think that you need a lawyer's advice for which state to file in, a damn good lawyer, and to let go of the idea of her living in your dream home if it comes up at odds with this.
Renting is not a bad thing. So don't let the whole idea of renting stall your progress. Home is where the heart is and with your children you will be able to make wherever you land home in short time, no matter what the circumstances.
"Having to parent with an npd freak is impossible - it is always a battle - never any support - conflicting messages etc etc. From a parental point of view I have stopped asking for his support because there isn't any - just another reason for him to metaphorically beat me up."
I agree, and then your choice is to do without or accept this crap. Do without a father (or mother) and/or do without child support and/or do without the Nparent at graduation, etc..... it is numbing, and this is where I find that I am just stumbling forward.
Care, I hear what you're saying, like always. But I feel like I still have to tiptoe around the monster more than I did in the early days of our D (2 1/2 years now) as he constantly looks for ways to shake us up (lately lack of cs and the "buying of love" of my middle dd, fortunately the harassment of ds has subsided). I think of you often.
I am fortunate enough to have an IRL friend who has helped me to see that I'm special because I've survived. She's a survivor also.
I haven't been around SI or here much as I've been busy picking up the pieces of destruction. I think though that we're going to be ok, more importantly that my oldest DS is going to be ok. He still does not want anything to do with his father, even though the younger two are on a 50/50 visitation schedule. DS is getting professional help at this point, with me supporting the program, and it's made a world of difference.
I've come to terms with the fact that it is better for him to not have contact with his father and that if the situation arises, I step in and say no contact for his sake. For a while I couldn't understand why I would still try to make things right between them. Now I accept that his father is poison for him now and I will of course do everything I can to protect my son from poison.
jjct, you also always make us feel worthy and strong.
[This message edited by rainagain at 8:22 PM, March 13th (Sunday)]
I am glad to "see" you and hear that things are looking up in some ways. A good friend IRL is best of all worlds.
I have elected to do without. I am not getting cs. If it is court ordered, (if we ever get into court) I expect he wants to make me beg for it or chase it or whatever power trip he can get on. I will not. I intend to go the shortest most effective route of letting the system have its way with him. I am self sufficient. As for seeing the kids, he is making an minimal effort while suing for full custody. What a freaking laugh that is. He sees them for about 40 hours each month. What a father!! He makes my teeth hurt. I am open and honest with the boys. They are adjusting and when I look at them in random moments, they seem calm and settled and happy. I think we are going to be ok.
I have recently learned that direct short non emotional contact seems to set my NPD back a bit on his heels. If I didn't know better I'd say he seemed "afraid." Maybe my imagination. He was surprised that I addressed him at all as I haven't done it in so long. It was a simple question. About his plans for future visits. He didn't exactly answer it and I just repeated the question. He answered and ran. Makes me wonder...
I don't intend to speak to him often. No desire. I don't want to push the appearance of having my own power or him having no control. I fear that would have bad consequences.
What a world this is.
2 Kids...3 and 6
H 41...HW 39 living together...
..I am nothing to him...zero...it's damaging stuff...anyone else experience this?...before he met this woman...he "loved" me and couldn't believe how lucky we were to have this family
Actually, this is quite common with the NPD. And believe it or not if he does this, you are one of the lucky ones. The other ones stalk and harass their victims for YEARS.
Either way, it all sucks. These people are an emotional train wreck who literally destroy everyone and everything in their life.
If you must deal with him, do so with as little emotional engagement as possible. Speak if spoken to, be agreeable, and let everything he says go in one ear and out the other.
And just keep thinking to yourself what a pathetic insecure little boy he really is to have to act the way he does. (Just don't say it out loud)
apparently my x has a new girlfriend.
we (me & the kids) now know this because he posted a facebook update. I don't have facebook, but x does, as does DD(11). I look at her page sometimes to keep an eye on things.
yesterday she gets an update that "daddy" has changed his status to "in a relationship". she pulls up his facebook page, and there is a new woman's picture. little one(DD6) looks over her shoulder and says "she looks just like you mom!"
this suprised DD11 because he had always blocked her from just about everything on facebook. so she emails him to ask if that's his girlfriend and he says yes.
so....he bascially told DD that he has a new girlfriend via facebook..........
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced
I find it amazing that he has no problem posting about the new gf when he is still married and knowing his daughter will be on and see it.
No shame whatsoever.
I guess he found the new gf on one of those websites? Classy girl I am sure. I hope you have in the divorce papers that he cannot have anyone around your little ones unless married or something along those lines.
I came to post a link to a site that Frank2010 mentioned in the thread above, and I see Trixie just posted this site the other day. I didn't do too much reading there, but it looks like it has lots of good info, so I'll post it again:
Hope you all are doing well. Hugs as always ((((Tribe))))
Welcome, Reggie! It's always nice to have a man's perspective on this thread.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I just think it's odd that he told his daughter about his new girlfriend via facebook.......
yes, he probably met her on an internet site......that's how he used to do it. it's also creepy that she looks like me......
[This message edited by unhappy_valentin at 5:33 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]
Me BS 35 XWH 36 going on 12
M 14 yrs. (together 16)
1st Dday 28.01.05
2nd Dday 23.07.08
08.11.08 Truly in Rec! What a joke!
3rd Dday 30.12.10 THE END!!