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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no doubt that the self confidence takes a severe beating after escaping an NPD relationship.

I am nowhere near the self assured confident woman I once was.

It's weird though because in some areas I'm more confident, but in others, I'm way worse.

Give me a fight, and I will go up against anyone. I'm not afraid to fight city hall.

I guess after fighting that idiot as long as I did and trying so hard to get someone to help me or listen to me built my confidence.

But sexually, I'm a mess. I don't know if I will ever be right again. I just can't get past the emotional rape I experienced with that creep. I opened up to him more than I ever have (sexually) and it (he) was a total and complete fraud. It's like I was having sex with the devil and didn't know it.

Ugh. I don't know if I will ever get past it.

Sorry. I'm probably not much help help.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No - that is a real help. You have basically summed me up - emotionally raped. I've know it for a while just never knew how to put it into words.
But hey, like you, I don't back away from a fight anymore - not scared of that.
Can I ask what has helped build your confidence over the last few years.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the subject of confidence:

I feel very confident. I have proven to myself that I am capable, I am a survivor of a horrible trauma. I am proud of how I am doing. I feel good. My head is high, my back straight, I have lost a LOT of weight (that I needed to lose) and I think I look good.

But, I am not interested or willing to be sexually vulnerable. I did that, and honestly, it didn't turn out so good for me. It is not something I think about or miss. It is "gone." Will my sexual desire, my want for intimacy return someday? Who knows. Right now my children are small enough that physical touch needs are fulfilled with cuddles and hugs and kisses from them. My emotional needs are met by my girlfriends and sharing here on SI. I have plenty of people to talk to. And the rest of a partnership... turns out I had the lion's share anyway, so not much has changed. The trade off of not having to worry about his shit and tip toe around the monster actually makes life easier.

Bit of a ramble...

Nice to meet you itsabattle. The scars from these relationships are lifelong I think. I have decided to count mine as battle scars and am damn proud to have them. It is proof I survived. They make me more beautiful and prove I am strong and capable. My own "f you" if you will to the NPD freak.

I agree with the idea that we are chosen, targeted, selected, wooed and pursued for our very "wonderfulness." We are more loving, forgiving, generous, honest, caring, trusting than anyone else the NPD had met before us. If we weren't, then the role we were selected for would have already been filled. I am still all of those things. But add cynical, angry, and tired. Working on the angry part.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one single thing that helped me the most was IC and anti-depressants. The IC put and kept things in prospective. And the anti-d's made getting through all of this with a clear and sane mind possible.

And lately, my new husband. He's the best and thinks I am too!

I know you didn't want to take the anti-d's. It seems I remember you got them but hadn't started taking them. Did you ever start? Did they help?

I still take a mild dose. I went off all of the meds a few years ago. Things had settled down with XNPDH and I was feeling good.

But then I was back to dealing with my emotional ups and downs that occur every month, and I felt I liked myself a lot better on the meds than not. I seem to function much better, emotionally. So I went back on.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Emotionally raped" is a perfect term when dealing with these people. Or even emotional vampires. It seemed my NPD WH had to get some kind of emotion from me, and it was easy to get good ones by just telling me sweet nothings and other words telling me he loved me blah blah blah which I gobbled up in my desperation for some kind of postitve attention after my first xWH left.

Then the manipulation started after I was hooked.

I also agree that we are targeted. I don't believe many people would put up with the nonsense. WH always would be telling me how he argued with this person or that, whether business, family or friends.

Of course his side of the story always sounded so reasonable. I found out the whole truth about so many things after DDay.

I came to realize it wasn't all these "bad" business people. It was HIM!!!

WH should get an academy award for acting so nice and polite and charming. A wolf in sheep's clothing.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trixie,

I think that you need a lawyer's advice for which state to file in, a damn good lawyer, and to let go of the idea of her living in your dream home if it comes up at odds with this.

Renting is not a bad thing. So don't let the whole idea of renting stall your progress. Home is where the heart is and with your children you will be able to make wherever you land home in short time, no matter what the circumstances.

Itsa said:
"Having to parent with an npd freak is impossible - it is always a battle - never any support - conflicting messages etc etc. From a parental point of view I have stopped asking for his support because there isn't any - just another reason for him to metaphorically beat me up."
I agree, and then your choice is to do without or accept this crap. Do without a father (or mother) and/or do without child support and/or do without the Nparent at graduation, etc..... it is numbing, and this is where I find that I am just stumbling forward.

Care, I hear what you're saying, like always. But I feel like I still have to tiptoe around the monster more than I did in the early days of our D (2 1/2 years now) as he constantly looks for ways to shake us up (lately lack of cs and the "buying of love" of my middle dd, fortunately the harassment of ds has subsided). I think of you often.

I am fortunate enough to have an IRL friend who has helped me to see that I'm special because I've survived. She's a survivor also.

I haven't been around SI or here much as I've been busy picking up the pieces of destruction. I think though that we're going to be ok, more importantly that my oldest DS is going to be ok. He still does not want anything to do with his father, even though the younger two are on a 50/50 visitation schedule. DS is getting professional help at this point, with me supporting the program, and it's made a world of difference.

I've come to terms with the fact that it is better for him to not have contact with his father and that if the situation arises, I step in and say no contact for his sake. For a while I couldn't understand why I would still try to make things right between them. Now I accept that his father is poison for him now and I will of course do everything I can to protect my son from poison.

jjct, you also always make us feel worthy and strong.


much love,
rain

[This message edited by rainagain at 8:22 PM, March 13th (Sunday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rain,

I am glad to "see" you and hear that things are looking up in some ways. A good friend IRL is best of all worlds.

I have elected to do without. I am not getting cs. If it is court ordered, (if we ever get into court) I expect he wants to make me beg for it or chase it or whatever power trip he can get on. I will not. I intend to go the shortest most effective route of letting the system have its way with him. I am self sufficient. As for seeing the kids, he is making an minimal effort while suing for full custody. What a freaking laugh that is. He sees them for about 40 hours each month. What a father!! He makes my teeth hurt. I am open and honest with the boys. They are adjusting and when I look at them in random moments, they seem calm and settled and happy. I think we are going to be ok.

I have recently learned that direct short non emotional contact seems to set my NPD back a bit on his heels. If I didn't know better I'd say he seemed "afraid." Maybe my imagination. He was surprised that I addressed him at all as I haven't done it in so long. It was a simple question. About his plans for future visits. He didn't exactly answer it and I just repeated the question. He answered and ran. Makes me wonder...

I don't intend to speak to him often. No desire. I don't want to push the appearance of having my own power or him having no control. I fear that would have bad consequences.

What a world this is.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Care - I am sure he is afraid. They all are underneath their bullying exterior. Cowards. They actually fear us becaus we know what they are.
My daughter is having a tough time at the moment coming to terms with the freak - she said last night "I think he uses me to get back at you mom". Very sad and very true.
I am seriously contemplating moving to a new area (where my family is) as his toxic behaviour still influences our lives. My daughter is sad and angry about him and my son is on the pedestal (he is nine and thinks his dad is great. Both are deplorable places for a child to be - escape,escape,escape...

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend recommended a good website on NPD and cheating. Lots of good stuff. Gives advice on how to deal with them, the only way to get through to them and how to get over the cheating of a NPD and how to control negative emotions brought on by them. I have been to lots of sites about NPD but this has stuff totally different.
I probably cannot post a link?


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!! Post the link, please. It's okay and we are all sponges for information when it comes to these nut balls.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a great site--
www.cheating-infidelity.com


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
healthyself
♀ Member
Member # 29189
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotionally raped...no sex drive or desire...these recent posts/comments ring true...how to heal?...here is my recent story/post about being discarded by my stbxnpdh...i continue to try to wrap my head around this (gladly most days are better than others, then something like this happens?!?!?!) ...stbxh and ow had a visit with my children's counselor (that's a whole nother post?!)to help with coparenting...wtfe...counselor asks how stbxh feels about his parents continuing their relationship with me...his response...they're French Canadian...they're polite...this man who I was in a relationship with for 15 yrs. left one day and never looked back...I feel this comment illustrates his complete lack of connection to the reality of the situation...his parents love me, they were devastated that this happened...they have paid for trips for my children and I to visit them in FL...to Disneyland...invite us to all the major holiday dinners...he dismisses our realtionship as them being polite to me...I am enraged...I continue to try to understand how someone could discard someone they were so close to at one time...I am nothing to him...zero...it's damaging stuff...anyone else experience this?...before he met this woman...he "loved" me and couldn't believe how lucky we were to have this family...as someone on SI said..."he's a mind f***, repeat it till it stick..."


The truth will set you free...

Me 42
2 Kids...3 and 6
H 41...HW 39 living together...
DD 9.15.08


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jul 2010
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is incredibly hurtful to be deleted like this but you have to remember that these people are almost like machines - they are not normal real people. Always remember that they are the ones who are flawed.
You won't be able to understand how he is able to do this to you - and beleive it or not that is a good thing. Just shake your head (again), feel sad for a little while and thank your lucky stars that you are no longer with this horrible callous man.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..I am nothing to him...zero...it's damaging stuff...anyone else experience this?...before he met this woman...he "loved" me and couldn't believe how lucky we were to have this family

Actually, this is quite common with the NPD. And believe it or not if he does this, you are one of the lucky ones. The other ones stalk and harass their victims for YEARS.

Either way, it all sucks. These people are an emotional train wreck who literally destroy everyone and everything in their life.

If you must deal with him, do so with as little emotional engagement as possible. Speak if spoken to, be agreeable, and let everything he says go in one ear and out the other.

And just keep thinking to yourself what a pathetic insecure little boy he really is to have to act the way he does. (Just don't say it out loud)


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what do you all make of this?

apparently my x has a new girlfriend.

we (me & the kids) now know this because he posted a facebook update. I don't have facebook, but x does, as does DD(11). I look at her page sometimes to keep an eye on things.


yesterday she gets an update that "daddy" has changed his status to "in a relationship". she pulls up his facebook page, and there is a new woman's picture. little one(DD6) looks over her shoulder and says "she looks just like you mom!"

this suprised DD11 because he had always blocked her from just about everything on facebook. so she emails him to ask if that's his girlfriend and he says yes.

so....he bascially told DD that he has a new girlfriend via facebook..........


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyowhy--wow! Read your profile and all I can say is thank goodness you are away from him...he is toxic!!

I find it amazing that he has no problem posting about the new gf when he is still married and knowing his daughter will be on and see it.
No shame whatsoever.

I guess he found the new gf on one of those websites? Classy girl I am sure. I hope you have in the divorce papers that he cannot have anyone around your little ones unless married or something along those lines.


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
reggie
♂ Member
Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For men dealing with aNPD or BPD wife, may I suggest a couple webssites: www.shrink4men.com and Shari Schreiber's getting better site.
NPD is not as uncommon among woemn as we are led to believe. Due to old societal prejudices, many NPD women are Dx'd as BPD or Histrionic. The cluster B's disorders are all very similar, so there is a lot of overlap.
But, i can so relate to the emotionally raped and unwillingness to get sexuAL/intimate deal. These folks do a number on peoples self esteem and confidence.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a good discussion on PDs in General yesterday: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=400061


I came to post a link to a site that Frank2010 mentioned in the thread above, and I see Trixie just posted this site the other day. I didn't do too much reading there, but it looks like it has lots of good info, so I'll post it again:
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/narcissistic-personality-disorder-how-to-recognize-a-narcissist.html

Hope you all are doing well. Hugs as always ((((Tribe))))

Welcome, Reggie! It's always nice to have a man's perspective on this thread.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we are divorced now...or pretty close to it. judge screwed up orders, but it's being addressed.......

I just think it's odd that he told his daughter about his new girlfriend via facebook.......

yes, he probably met her on an internet site......that's how he used to do it. it's also creepy that she looks like me......


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
unhappy_valentin
♀ Member
Member # 20671
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by unhappy_valentin at 5:33 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]


Remember to breath, to like yourself and take baby steps towards the future

Me BS 35 XWH 36 going on 12
M 14 yrs. (together 16)
Children: 0
1st Dday 28.01.05
2nd Dday 23.07.08
08.11.08 Truly in Rec! What a joke!
3rd Dday 30.12.10 THE END!!


Posts: 347 | Registered: Aug 2008
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