My thoughts were that over 32 years I came to see my relationship situation as normal. I want to make sure I don't continue to tolerate as normal these situations in any part of my life going forward.
I needed help with my boundaries.
Crazy how accurate that is. I didn't realize until after we were divorced how terrible he can be. My BF tells me that I just need to stop talking to him because he ropes me into conversations, then turns them around on me to get his way. It works so much better when I just ignore him or end the conversations when I choose.
i am gonna go buy it:)
our recent fight..i am out of town with DS5 at my parents
WH: i called u, why didnt you pick up the phone
Me: we were not home ...
WH to DS5: why did you call me...u dont want to talk to me...i was waiting for your call
DS5: I am sorry dad, i forgot
i take the phone....ahhm..i just told u ...we were out..how is he supposed to call you? shud we just sit home and talk to you all day when you are available?
Wh: dont feel his mind all these things...i am just asking him
ME: you are making him feel guility for going out and having a good time...?and he said sorry to you...have u no shame...he is a kid
WH: he always says sorry to me..its ok...u better fix your tone...and lower your voice...dont dominate me...learn to respect me
then i got 20 mins. of taunting, scolding, whatever u may call it...then he hung up !
then he searches things like...my wife is a bitch
and what not?????????????
but as expected !!
The best book is reading back on the threads here...
NPD: asks a "reasonable" question
You: give a reasonable answer
NPD: What?? Why can't we.... (blah blah)
You: repeat and explain, justify and defend
NPD: you are so mean. All I wanted is what I wanted and I should get what I want. I should never have even asked you in the first place. Nevermind.
You: (stunned and now forced to clarify whether the question originally asked is still in play and YOU will likely be ignored.
Status: NPD happy, you angry/hurt/confused and wasted time you will never get back.
MORAL- answer only questions that MUST be answered (kids and finances). Only answer the question do not justify or explain or defend your answer. Ignore further attempts to engage.
I was thinking about the poor gift giving dynamic common to NPD's. If you didn't see my thread in D/S - Stretch gave DS7 a surfboard. We live nowhere near surf. I realized he wanted to be the father of kids who surf and snow board. So he gave boards. It has nothing to do with the kids.
I am trying to figure if this holds true for other poor gift giving. Did the gift represent something to the N?
I always watch for the tribe out in the real world, both here and the real real world.
And avoid the zebraducks!! Now if someone would design a zebraduck trap...
[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 10:29 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]
I'm wondering if any of you have experienced this...I've been sick on and off for 3 years. First was a problem with gallstones that was misdiagnosed for a year. I suffered with attacks weekly and was hospitalized twice. Both times, he would start huge fights with me while i was in the emergency room in pain. I could barely tolerate the pain, let alone him yelling at me. Then when I was pregnant it was high risk. I had a stroke probably from shoveling 24 inches of snow and he simply didn't care, didn't even check on me until the next day in the afternoon. I went in to labor the first time and he yelled at me about my friend that came to the hospital (I'm allowed no support) that she was not talking to him. He created such a problem, my labor stalled. The next time I went into labor it was 1 a.m. His kids weren't with us and he was upset. I told him this was probably for the best since I would be in labor most likely all night and they would be alone in the waiting room. He screamed at me in the street, how dare I go into labor now. I was probably happy his kids weren't there. Went to the hospital and labor stalled again. The last time I went into labor I had the baby but had complications and had a c-section. My son was experiencing apnea and turning blue and almost died. I had zero sleep ever day I was there he filled the room with people day and night. I was exhausted and asked for a break and he said, it's not about you, its about my kids and family seeing my son. He was so horrible in the hospital and I asked him to leave. He refused, so I picked up my baby and sat all night at the nurses station crying. They had heard his treatment and thought I was abused. The entire time he was sending pictures of my new baby to numerous other women. It still makes me sick. My baby was sick and hospitalized twice after he was born and I didn't sleep for 15 days straight because he would stop breathing in the middle of the night. WH was no where to be found. Never even stayed with me after the baby to help (he has his own house...long story...convenient for him). He told me 2 weeks after the baby was born he needed a break so he went away on a golf trip and then another week later went away for a weekend again. I was so exhausted I started to hallucinate. DD happened when my son was 4 months old, he went to intensive therapy at a hospital. I thought he was a changed man. Now he is back to his old tricks. The baby is HIS and if he doesn't have his PROP on his arm for all to see he's dad of the year all hell breaks loose. On our son's first birthday I had severe chest pains and had a mini stroke again. As I was laying with the pain, he told me he was leaving the baby with MIL. She is as bad as him and publicly attacks me. Afterall, how dare I catch my WH and expose that her kids and family aren't perfect. Anyway, I asked him not to leave the baby there because I wouldn't feel comfortable. He started screaming at me while I this was happening, walked out to his kids in the living room and said that they couldn't spend time with their little brother because I'm holding him hostage. Meanwhile his kids were scared to death that I was having a heart attack. He came to the hospital the next day (I was admitted for 7 days) and started fights with me everyday. My cardiologist pulled my mother aside after catching wind of his abuse and asked her point blank about my H and said this man is killing her.
I guess I just needed to vent and see if any of you deal with this sort of thing. I feel as though when I'm sick he can't deal with the attention being on anyone but him and I have to suffer for it.
Also interesting, once he told me after DDay that he often thinks that other people are robots and that is why he does not feel empathy. If he can't even have compassion for his wife, then I must be a robot too.
Run girl Run!!! And I am not joking. Run to your family and get Proective Order when he comes around. You will be a victim of his violence unless you do something quickly and quietly. Quickly prepare your exit and do it while he is not there. Take your son and everything you hold dear and leave. Do not return for anything you have forgotten. Go NC and under no circumstances break NC. Just from what you have described he is extrem NPD....on a scale of 1 - 10 he is a 10+. I will find the link to the website that you can learn a lot of scary stuff. It will have other links as well......read them all!!!!! But by all means protect yourself.
Worry about supporting yourself and making a home for you and baby later. He will sabotage any attempt you make at independence as long as you stay.
If you have not been physically abused yet.....you will be.
If you stay you will always get more of the same. Do you want to live like this. NPD is UNTREATABLE and INCURABLE. Nothing to hope for!!!! You can wish he will change all you want but there is no HOPE of that ever happening. The choice is yours but at least make an educated decision. I will post the link shortly.
Any other NPD survivors out there can jump in anytime here. I hope some will.
[This message edited by Frank2010 at 9:45 PM, July 22nd (Friday)]
Status: S & D'ing
Copy and paste this to your browser and mark as a favorite. You will need to come back to it often. Read it over and over. Read everything you can until you are an expert on NPD. That will help you break free of his control. There are tips on how to deal with NPD people. So you will at least know how to work with him and protect yourself. PM me if you need to.
Mine will give the kids random strange crap like he went shopping down the aisles of CVS for their birthdays or Christmas. I think maybe OW buys the actual larger gifts, and he buys the "personal touches". We still laugh about the year the kids both got deodorant and bodywash in their stockings. DS's birthday was last week. He got 2 pair of shorts and a couple gift cards for a local cool surfer clothes shop. And...(lol)...3 bags of candy, Axe body wash, deodorant, and a bottle of barbecue sauce.
iwtkh--Frank is correct. You need to get away. This is serious abuse you are experiencing. He sounds maybe like he is beyond NPD - sociopath or psychopath maybe?
Please find a way to save yourself and your child from his evil ways.
Hugs to you all (((Tribe)))
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Run. Scorched Earth with him and all his family and friends. Don't worry about what he says about you to everyone he talks to. Do not try to take these people with you to your new life. And I think you need a new life.
Please. If a doctor described it as abuse and said this man is killing you, then what are you waiting for? To see if he was right?
Go to family. Or go to a shelter. Take the baby and run. If you can't take the baby, then run and fight for the baby after the fact. But if you can get to a shelter, there will be help for you there. Help with the baby and everything you will need (diapers, formula, clothes.)
Go. Don't wait until you feel stronger because he is systematically keeping that from happening. Your body is using every trick it has to get you help. Pay attention.
(((iwtkh))) People here understand.
I don't have personal experience with the level of crazy you describe, but I do know how it feels to question your own sanity and ability to survive alone. You can do it and there is help.
STBX "?NPD?" as a military officer, gave me the following for 2nd married Christmas:
1 cartoon character wipe board (they are called white boards now I think)
2 new hot pads (for the stove)
6 pack of Nestle Crunch bars
Over the years I guess he thought he got better at gift giving. I have 4 pair of diamond stud earrings all about 1/4 carat. Guess once he thought he had a great gift idea he just stuck with it. 4 Christmas' in a row! It was a little difficult to maintain the ooohhs and aaahs after the 2nd pair.
We usually got nothing if it had to be up to him, since the divorce he has got DD a bike (she hates biking but turned out it was for his gf to use when she came over and gf thought it was a gift for her) and a lot of "I'm going to get you xxx" that never happened. The latest and worst was the snowboarding pass that served as DS's bday and xmas present along with an empty xbox game case with a promise that the game would come (don't know how he did that, did he steal it? b/c you don't get an empty case if you preorder a game). DS was disappointed, severely.
But, DD sometimes gets jewlery from fancy shops if there is a current gf who also gets something (more expensive). This always coincides with me not getting child support.
Are you in a place where you can reach out for help? What he is doing to you is abuse.
He screamed at you for going into labor when it wasn't convienient for him? OMG. Run, get support from your family, or go to a domestic violence shelter. If there is a domestic violence support group where you are at, get help now. They can help you with a place to stay, IC, legal help, and TONS of support! Have no doubt THIS IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Even if he hasn't been physically violent - yet - his mental, verbal, and emotional abuse of you is criminal.
Write down everything that's happened, dates are important! Keep a journal of his abusive behavior, and keep it well hidden. Be sure to take it, and all other legal papers when you go. Birth Certificates, insurance policies, deeds, car titles, income tax returns, 401k statements. Everything. These pieces of paper will be very important when all this goes to court, believe me. Then run like hell. He is a monster in a people suit, and he will never change, except for the worse. A restraining order, or protection order would be a very good idea. It won't stop him if he decides to go postal, and he might. But, it does give the cops a reason to throw his butt in jail if he violates it.
Be prepared, he will court you, promise you the moon, and say he's SOOO sorry. Then, if you don't respond exactly as he wants, he will change tactics. Expect bullying, stalking, more pleading.....rinse and repeat. Please try to find a way to limit contact to only through a lawyer. Supervised visitation for the baby. DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN!!!! EVER!
You are NOT safe around this man! And, as someone else said, I think there might be a sociopath lurking in his people suit too.
I lived with this for years. Believe me, I know what you're going through. The only difference for me was that I didn't have a child with the NPD/sociopath in my life (H #2). Thank God. He stalked me heavily for over 5 years....and at 8 years past the divorce, I still don't feel safe. I had him picked up for violating the permanent RO more times than I can count. I keep a loaded gun on the headboard of my bed at all times.
Please, please get out now before we see one of those newsclips about a man killing his wife, and it's you. I am so damned sorry you find yourself in this situation, but start planning now, and escape when it's safe. Please?
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
He is a monster in a people suit
Please? YES, iwtkh...please do everything that's been told you.
It really can't be over-emphasized that it isn't personal. Again, this is an important thing to grasp because it is essential for you to really know and feel how objectified you are in the narcissist's eyes. You are an object. Not a person.
Part of their manipulation of us is how they will pretend there is an emotional bond between you and them. You believe that they must love you in "their way". So you hang in there. You swallow more lies. You stick around because you live in vain hope of change. You feel guilty for breaking contact because you believe them when they say they love you. Instead of seeing how they use the word 'love' to keep you stuck, you choose to believe they care in some way because you care about them (being the decent person you are). And because you stay, they continue to have the power to torment you. Yes, it feels personal as they adjust their torments to your reactions. You mustn't be fooled by the customization of their torture of you. It is just how they maximize the amount of amusement they gain at your expense. It is all about their pleasure, their gain, their lusts. It's not about you.
If you have determined that you are in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath you need to expunge the word love from your expectations of them or your beliefs about their feelings toward you, or anyone. They do not know what love is. They can say the word. That is all it is to them -- a word. They know the power that little word has over you, but they do not experience love on an emotional level. They only use the word because they know it has emotional meaning to you. If you can really absorb the reality that they don't love you, that they never loved you, it will greatly facilitate your ability to walk away. And not only walk away, but to disentangle your own emotions from them. Residual worry on your part that you've 'hurt' them in some way emotionally by leaving will vanish because you will know down to your bone marrow that they were never connected to you emotionally by bonds of love. Or even hate. You were no more a person than your Lazy Boy lounge chair in the living room. When you can really know that, you'll be free both body and soul.
Remember my maxim: when words contradict actions you must believe the actions over the words or you'll end up being someone's meal. Don't believe protestations of love when the actions consistently contradict how love is truly demonstrated. Add to that this truth as it applies to torments dished out by narcissists: it ain't personal. You are only a means to an end to them.
Welcome here! (sigh)
but the veterans say "run"
(walkin's a start though!)
We've done plenty of 'absorbin' too.