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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Silent Treatment

Yes, I'm getting the silent treatment. I suggested we divorce but not split up. I said that he was never into being married and then gave examples, including the fact that he had a girlfriend and was going to leave me last year for her (he swears that isn't true, but he said he was leaving to go down south to see a grandmother he hasn't seen in years. Turns out, Granny had moved to Oregon, but the OW lives in Mississippi)

The response:

Fuck you

I say "well that's nice"

response: Fuck you

I say I was making a genuine offer and even said we didn't need to split up

response: Fuck you

then the phone was turned off. I guess stating FACTS is out of bounds and now I must be punished. Oh, I love the silent treatment. It's so fun.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And as I was posting this he logged on to watch porn. He's been at it for a half hour now.

I love my spy gear.

What an ass he is.

EDIT: Total porn viewing - 45 minutes. Must have been a good one!!

[This message edited by neverbelieve at 1:20 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know why he continues to lie to me, last night at 7:15 I had to go get my daughter from work and from 7:21 to 7:36 he was watching porn, all the kids were home, he was in our room on the computer.

I understand that NPD is a difficult thing to live with but what are the reasons for keeping me here, is it so he has someone to lie that actually cares?

I now know that porn and gambling and any other addiction is all part of the NPD but what I cannot understand is why they bother to pretend to love someone and not want them to leave. It seems like it would be easier to not be in a relationship and just do whatever they want so there is no arguing and then they can do whatever they want whenever they want.

I am trying to plan an exit strategy but everytime I feel like I am making progress something happens to change it and I start feeling stuck again.

This week the fuel pump in the van went at the casino and he lied about his pay check and how much money he took out and was broke two days after pay day.

So along with the betrayal of his so called ONS which I now know he probably lied about, he is addicted to computer games, gambling, and lies about money and if I had to guess other stuff to.

Then we get into an argument and I ask him if there is anything he is doing that I need to know about and he says no, that he is doing nothing wrong.

I am left feeling confused and hurt all over again, I have to keep reminding myself that he does not know that I know about his lies, so I just in his face and wonder what else he is lying about that I don't know about.

I was trying to wait for my grandson to be born before I left but he was due yesterday and shows no signs of wanting to come out. So once again my plans are put on hold to do what I fell I need to because of other stuff going on.

Can someone please help me make sense of this,


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this, but these 'people' like having others around to make themselves feel better. The more you care what he's doing, the more he feels in power. That's what he gets off on.

I stopped trying to make sense of it, other than to accept that he doesn't feel things the way the rest of us do.

Try watching him, like a movie. See what pushes his buttons and what doesn't. See what pushes YOUR buttons and how often he goes straight for that.

Just observe. You can't change him. You can only figure out how to deal with him.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it even safe to deal with him, I have read about NPD and found out that because they do not feel and do not love they can hurt people and it does not affect them.

Yet he says the kindest things to me and sometimes it even makes sense, then I snap out of i and realize that I am falling for his bull hit again remember he does not mean anything he says, or better yet everything he says is just the opposite so when he says he loves me he doesn't mean it, when he says nothing is going on there is and when he says that he does not want me to leave he does.

I am correct in that, or making mr out of it then there is?


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never heard of this opposite thing. They say what they need to say to get what they want. If the opposite is the truth, that's just a coincidence.

Why do you think he's NPD? Where is that posted? I'm assuming you posted it?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you believe it's the opposite, it's like they are lying about everything which I don't think is necessarily true.

I think they lie to manipulate you into believing something ridiculous/false or into doing something they want you to do. Esp when backed into a corner.

My H hasn't been diagnosed..as if he'd see someone to find out.. but the more I read and the more online quizzes I take the more proof I have that he is NPD. I don't think on the worst end of the spectrum but all of it is so damaging. Lots of info online. I'm seeing a counselor alone today for the first time. MC didn't work out real well as he lied and put on a show.

I just told him yes I want a D. This morning, definitely, cause I can't take it anymore, I can't breathe, my anxiety is making me sick and I feel better when he's not around so I don't have to deal with him.

When I've asked for space he's up my ass with BS to hurt me or killing with kindness, whatever he thinks might work to get me to stay, of course I can't believe any of it. I asked for truth, got more lies. Said I was done, put away my wedding rings, got bullying, bluffing, lies and blatant emotional abuse, unlike the subtle abuse I've suffered for 13 yrs. It was when that started that I researched and decided he's NPD.

I was being bullied Tues evening via text messages while out with my daughter trying to enjoy some 1 on 1 time while leaving my little twins with him. I decided it was time. Told him today and now I'm getting the messages that say..."don't know what I'd do without you" "not fair to kids" "we have to try harder, more" "we can't financially make it alone" "i love you, i know you love me"

blah blah.. how am I supposed to believe anything? I can't. I'm terrified but I think it's time.

Thoughts? Words of wisdom? Anything to keep me going??


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thoughts? Words of wisdom? Anything to keep me going??

Do you still have the messages from Tuesday? If so, just go re-read them.

I save all my 'fun' texts for just such occasions. When I feel weak, or when I really want to believe him, I read the messages. I read the ones he sent when I found out about the A, I read the ones he sent during the A, I read the ones he sends even now telling me to die and how he hopes when he gets home he finds me in a tub full of blood. Then it's easy to see through the "I love you so much, I really do. I just want us to be happy."

Text him back saying you don't care what he says. You're through with him and you're glad it's over. Then tell him you're better than him anyway. What you'll get in response should keep you going for a while.



When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very true...thx

I had been keeping texts from right after DDay with all kinds of lies and shit and he had the gall to erase over 100 of them last month.

That hope you die and bloody tub stuff is awful. Just sick. Mine are more manipulative about my ability to be a mother or wife or something like that. And putting words into my mouth about him too. Just to make me feel bad for something I didn't do or say. Then lie more and make me confused and to doubt myself. I hate it.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine aren't usually as bad as they have been the past few days, but since I said I wanted to split he's been especially harsh. I know what it is so I just say "OK" and act like he just asked if I wanted coffee. To him, it's the same thing.

Don't let him manipulate you! You know what he's doing. I know, it's nearly impossible not to let it get to you but you have to just read it and say, out loud if necessary, this is a headgame and I'm going to win.

We can see when we're being manipulated. The hard part is to stand up to it and not buy into their nonsense. They live with us, they know our weak spots. Just remember, you know his too.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having SO MUCH FUN!!! I can see he's on his usual porn watch, so I started sending him texts about how I want him and whatnot. He keeps responding so I know I'm screwing with his porn viewing AND there's no way in hell I'm giving him any later!!!

Oh, I love screwing with him.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lmao

I've gotten the "don't you think it's sad your H has to jerk-off?"

Ummm...

Nope.

I just let him have his time with the computer. It's more into sex with him than I am.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't even have to. We have sex all the time. He wants to. It's just what he does.

And really, I could give a shit. At least when he's doing that he isn't bitching at me. Have at it, I say.

Ewww. I really need to set up a video camera in my living room

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I almost forgot - I got him with a good one last night. He was threatening to leave, as usual. He was looking in a mirror saying the next mirror he looks in is going to have a much better view (hinting that it would be somewhere else), and I responded with

"Gee, I thought every mirror you looked in had the greatest view imaginable"

and started laughing. He just ignored it but I know it got to him.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a word of caution here ladies. It is not wise to poke the tiger.
These NPDs do have the potential for violence. Especially when they are exposed and their manipulation tactics aren't working anymore.

They start my sweet talk, then escalate to guilt, then verbal abuse, then physical intimidation, and finally NPD Rage.

If you have not experienced the rage yet....pushing, hitting, hair pulling....in my case it ended up with a stabbing and cutting.

You may want to read up on how to deal with a NPD....

Having said that......damn it sure is fun to fuck with their head


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More of what Frank was getting at--the very very best thing to do to really piss a NPD off is to ignore them. They hate to be ignored more than anything else.
And overall, it is better for whomever has to deal with the NPD--180 him and heal yourself in the process.



Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading this thread and freaking out because my STBXWH does so much of this stuff.

I can't tell you how many times we have gotten into an arguement and he has said "we have nothing in common, you don't like my music, you don't like my friends". Before we got married we got into a disagreemetn and I got the silent treatment for a week. I had never experienced this with a man and finally told him I was done and leaving him if he ever did it again.

He was good about not doing this for a few years but went back the pouting and silent treatment. He always twists what I say when we disagree. He pretends to be easy going but we always had to do what he wanted. We alwasy had to listen to his music, he has to drive cause he has to be "in control".

I got sick last year and he basically deserted me for 3 months. He wouldn't talk to me or help me. I got sick again (same thing) this year and he would go out drinking for 10 hours leaving me alone. When I found out about his affair I left him and he convinced me he was sorry and it was a mistake. He told the whores he loved them but told me it was part of the "game".

I moved back and when I was sick he took up with a married neighbor but swears I am crazy and nothing is going on. He also told my that my illness was all in my head yet he knew I was hospitalized for it. When I decided to leave him he became so agressive that I feared he would hit me. I had to threaten him with the cops so he would leave.

He is an alcoholic and I noticed that when he drinks I become the wicked witch of the west and he rages at me for anything I say. I always wondered why he was MR. Wonderful to everyone else but a nasty mean person to me inside our home. After I left him I talked to someone who told me that he has always told everyone that he was miserable with me and complained about me. I couldn't understand why after I left he was able to just completely shut me out and has no empathy for what he has done to me.

I understand now that he doesn't love me and never has, he is done with me because I am no longer feeding him and I dare to call him on all his crap. This is going to help me a lot to understand why I missed the man I fell in love with an why nothing I ever did was right. There is so much more that he did but reading this thread has put it all in perspective for me, thank you for starting this thread.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again!
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright. I have to describe some things about stbxh and see how my SI friends view this.

My IC met with him once and pegged him as a narcissist right out of the gate. He's got some other issues too; he's not the obvious narcissist or super high on the spectrum, but he's there. He believes his way is the best way all. the. time.

Anyway, my question is, do narcissists become bratty when they are ignored? I'm seeing that it is starting to piss him off a bit that I am total NC and don't give him the time of day. He doesn't do anything big about it, i.e., no rage or violence or anger. It's more of bratty school boy shit that he sort of does through the kids.

For instance, he took them to a liquor store and bought wine because he "drinks wine with his buddy from work." He then took them to a car dealership and looked for a new car, meanwhile allowing them to come home with the biggest balloons he could find at the dealership so they would tell me where he was. Mind you, he has the kids about 10% of the time so there is really no reason he can't go shopping and run errands when they are not with him. But I digress. He then brought them back from a visit and gave them a pack of playing cards. They told me about a magic trick that he showed them and part of it involved a story. The story didn't make much sense to me, but DS was flipping over the cards and called one of them the "ex-wife card". WTF????

I don't say word one to him. I only text or email when it involves the kids and I barely give him one word answers when he gets in touch with me. He turned his back so I turned mine. Fuck him and his bullshit. At the same time though, why dig at me and throw the darts?

Is this the brattiness of a narcissist who is pissed off that I dared to file for D before he said he was ready???? I had no choice. He moved out, never told me there was someone else, lied over and over about this being a trial separation. As soon as I found out about the skank OW, I told him he was dead to me and I filed for D about 2 months later.

Is he saying to me, "how dare you"? Is his ego bruised now because he has to air his laundry and keep the facade going that it was somehow a sound decision to leave his beautiful wife, children and home for nothing but an uneducated, home wrecking slut who ruined her own marriage with cheating and did it to 2 others before she got to him??

Help me understand.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jan 2011
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC with a NPD truly let's their colors fly. After having been married to one for 10+ years, a horrible D and he's now "happily" living with OW....the only thing that produces moments of reason us after NC.
Shit, if I never had to deal with the SOB again I would never have ANY contact with him, bleh!!!!!! But we have kids.....
The more NC I stay with him, as so many further along allude to all along. the better life everyone has.
The problem is they try to bring you in all freaking time. It's taken years of therapy, outsider views and distance to get here....and here isn't that much better!
They are truly the MASTERS at manipulation.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 5th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme - My H's big trigger for blatant emotional abuse was the 180. I took control from him and took control of myself and my life and made all the lies and crap unacceptable anymore. You took the control too by filing for D. I'm sure that really pissed him off.

My H can't stand it when I ignore him or I don't promptly answer him in person, calls or texts, just the other night I didn't 'care about my kids' cause I didn't answer him immediately. Everything with him is about appearances, he kept my StepD a secret in professional circles for years in fear they'd 'think differently of him for having a kid out of wedlock at 20yrs old'. He's very vain and private... nasty about keeping his A and temper tantrum behavior to ourselves. Your descriptions sound similar to what I've been dealing with. Sorry...


Saw IC last night first time. It was good. She let me pour it all out, I needed that. She observed without my mentioning it that my descriptions sound like he is a narcissist... Yay validation! I'm not nuts!

I was home for 15 mins before appt and he was soo mad since i said I want D yesterday morning that it was 15 mins of a beat down just to kick the bottom rack of the dishwasher in (with dishes) probly breaking some and scared the kids. I said, I think you owe them an apology gave them some hugs and love and left. At least he put forth some effort into comforting them as I was leaving.

Then after kids were in bed, we decided to have a chat. It was calm and peaceful, basically pleading for me not to leave, he's so depressed, tears (which are extremely unusual of course) loves me doesn't want D for kids, for our home, so on and so forth. Please try 1 more time, wear wedding rings...

I said I'd think about trying once more, but that I am done, his behavior is completely unacceptable. I am so tired of these games and refuse to engage in them anymore.

I believe nothing, I only believe now it's all just more attempts at manipulating me into doing what he wants. He's desperate, grasping at straws. Has no idea what the right thing to do is.

I'm scared but quite sure I have no other option than to file for D.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
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