I feel like I'm surrounded by NPD's. *sigh*
I've been here for a long time and *survived* a horrific XNPDWH and the subsequent divorce which was equally horrific. Along with the regular heart wretching issues that come along with any infidelity divorce that included an OC, I also had to deal with protection orders, stalking, vandalism and numerous court appearances and trials dealing with his criminal activity directed at me or
I fought that with all I had. Money, emotion, gumption, etc. And after nine years *knocking on wood* he seems to be gone. But I will never know for sure, as he is so sneaky. I will forever be looking over my shoulder.
The problem I'm dealing with now is my brother. He is as bad an NPD as my XNPDWH without the violence, yet. Or not that I'm aware of.
I am the oldest in a family of four. It is me, then my brother and then my two sisters. My parents are still together and ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary later this
My parents are rather old fashioned. We grew up in a rural area on a farm. My great grandfather was a farmer, my grandfather was a farmer and my dad is a farmer. The farm wasn't anything significant until my father's era. He is the one who has made the farm the success it is today. The prior generations would be considered "hobby" farmers. My father's "dream" has always been to build up the farm with his son and have a shared family business between the two of them. The daughters were expected to marry and start their own life with their husbands. (old fashioned)
My sisters and I have all had our own lives. We have all had careers outside the farm and have all done quite well in our professional lives. The middle sister has had tremendous success with both her personal and professional life. Unfortunately for me and my youngest sister, we had the misfortune of marrying ASSHOLES which resulted in divorce.
Our parents have been sympathetic and supportive during these trying times, but our brother and his wife have been HORRIBLE.
This business "partnership" between my father and my brother has resulted in my father doing all the work and my brother doing NO work and spending all the money. They have build this ginormous home on the farm that I suspect my father has paid for. His wife doesn't work. My mother and my father run their four children all over to their numerous events, while their parents socialize. They are involved in the "Arts Council" the "Fund Raising Committie" for this and that. The money that goes to these different causes is, of course from my mom and dad. But when it is listed who the money comes from, instead of saying Mr and Mrs Noname from Noname Farms, Inc. , they say "Mr and Mrs Noname, Community Volunteers. My mother objected to this, but they said that it was "embarrassing" to say they were "farmers" among their social friends.
Now, I know that most of the problems here are the fact that there are little if any boundaries when it comes to my parents with my brother and his wife. They have so much power because they pay their bills, but they refuse to cut them off.
And honestly if that is the way they want to run their business, fine. But I get sick of hearing my mother complain about all of this when she refuses to do anything about it.
This lack of accountability has trickled over to the personal aspects of our family. My brother and his wife have been married for approximately 25 years. From the moment his wife met me, she took an instant dislike to me. At the time, I didn't have a clue why. 25 years ago my brother and I were very close. But it only took a moment for his wife to convince him that I was a "horrible person" and he didn't speak to me for 15 years.
Not only did they not speak to me, they were outright hostile. There was NO incident, no conversation, no nothing. If we had a family gathering, my dad would say, "just go in and say hello. be the bigger person. Do it for me." And I would walk in and say "hello" only to have them snap their heads around and ignore me. I would BEG my mom, my dad and anyone else I thought might know what the problem to tell me what I had done to deserve this hostile treatment. My questions were always met with the same answer. "I don't know."
I know now this was a lie.
I wasn't the only one in our family who was subjected to this hostile and abusive behavior. They told anyone who would listen that my mother had "abused" my brother as a child. (ridiculous and outright lie) My youngest sister remarried a wonderful man and they have made slanderous remarks about him publicly, saying he is in the "mob" and he is "dangerous" and involved in "shady dealings". He owns his own business in the service industry and his reputation is everything. Not to mention, I don't think the "mob" is active in rural mid America. geesh.
My brother and his wife have NEVER even spoke to my sister's husband, nor have they spoke to my sister since she remarried. According to them, she is an embarrassment due to her divorce and now labeled as a "loser". My sister and her husband have been married for 10 years and have three adorable children together and her husband is helping her raise her daughter from her previous marriage. FYI, her previous husband had an affair and abandoned her and their 18 month old daughter. He walked out on them for the OW. How about some
Over the years things have progressively gotten worse. They refuse to attend any family gatherings. They won't come to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day or any other event. If we have family in from out of town, they refuse to attend "if the girls are going to be there."
Holidays are a nightmare. My mother cries and spends the time before the holiday trying to figure out a way to make them show up. Then when she realizes they aren't going to show up, she doesn't want to have the event. Really makes the rest of us feel great. Not! So my sisters and I have taken over hosting the holidays so we can at least celebrate. But Mom is still fretting over my brother and his wife.
Nobody speaks up, nobody confronts them and nobody says anything to these people about their behavior. it's insane.
About 7 years ago, out of the blue my brother's wife contacted me and wanted me to help their daughter learn to ride a horse. I am an avid equestrian and own several horses. I was hesitant, but thought maybe this could be a way to begin the healing process. I knew they were probably just using me, but since I hadn't had any relationship with my niece I did it.
During this time I had the opportunity to spend some time with my brother and his wife. My brother is not at all the person he used to be. He is an angry, hateful person. He would rant and rave about my mother and my two sisters during any conversations. It was really quite frightening. There was NO reasoning with him at all. I finally asked him why he and his wife were so mad and nasty to me all those years early in their marriage. Are you ready for this? This was his answer:
"You were going to sabotage our wedding. You planned to sew drugs into my wife's wedding dress and have her arrested during the ceremony."
You could have knocked me over with a feather. And he was TOTALLY serious. Keep in mind, this wedding was 1000 miles away in her home town where I knew NOBODY. I didn't know where she lived, didn't know where the dress was. Can you imagine the conversation with the cops? "Hey! There's this girl getting married with drugs sewn into her dress....you need to arrest her. What? How do I know drugs are sewn in the dress?
I mean, Come on!!
My husband was there and he he kept saying..."Why would they think that? You can't even sew."
I replied to them that they couldn't be serious. And asked them where on earth they got such a silly idea. His wife replied, "SadToo, you were incredibly jealous that I was marrying ______."
I said, "______, he's my brother, not my boyfriend. What is wrong with you?"
Oh and keep in mind, she is a family therapist.
My brother's face turned bright red and started screaming at me that yes, I was going to do that and I was lying if I said I wasn't. He went on into this rant about how insanly jealous I have been about his wife all these years and how everyone is so jealous about his wife.
My husband and I ended up leaving. I was in total shock. I could not believe that they had been so mean to me all of those years over a COMPLETE LIE.
It's like his wife is this totally insecure person who is a pathalogical liar and she feeds him all of this crap to make him crazy. She gets him all stirred up and then stands back and watches the show. It is scary.
The backstabbing and the bad mouthing continued. They would go to public events and say horrible things about me and my sisters. These things would get back to me because it's a small community.
My father was angry at ME because I "confronted" them. I am equally angry with him. Why couldn't he have said something to those idiots 25 years ago about this stupid story and put a stop to this? Why let this go on? Why allow them to abuse everyone in our family like they do?
When the bad mouthing reached an intollerable level, I sent them an email telling them to stop. It was not a nice email, but it certainly wasn't threatening or anything like that. Instead of addressing the email with me, the called my dad. Instead of actually READING the email, my dad just took the word of these known liars and came charging over to my house half out of his mind.
He had been told that I had threatened them and my email was vicious and nasty. My brother's wife was now "scared for her life" My dad was demanding that I apologize for sending the email or I needed to remove the 2 horses that I had on his property. I told him that I would rather shoot the horses than compromise my values and apologize for something I'm not sorry for.
I moved the horses. And now paying $1000 per month (that I can't afford) to keep them somewhere else.
My brother and his wife ended up calling the Sheriff's department and tried to have me arrested over the email. This (of course) went nowhere. I have a friend in the Sheriff's office and he told me that my brother's wife kept saying, "Do you know who I am?" and the reporting officer said, "It doesn't matter who you are, there still isn't a crime committed."
My dad and I still are barely speaking.
Now we are coming up on this 50th anniversary. My brother and his wife are refusing to attend any party or celebration if "the girls" are going to be there. The only way they "might" come is if Mom and Dad invite 300+ people so they have enought people to hide behind.
True to form, my mother says, "maybe we just won't have a party."
It's so sickening, so senseless and so sad. I don't feel like I have a family anymore. I feel like I stood up for myself and I got thrown out to the wolves. Why would they stand up for the people who have literally destroyed their entire family? I don't get it.
If anyone is still reading, I really appreciate it.