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User Topic: Npd Thread Part 8
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((fallenangel)))

So sorry. Hang in there, please focus on your own needs for your health and sanity. We're all here listening and to provide support.

GUILT?? I KNOW GUILT!! I've been pushed into feeling guilty about everything I do esp after kids were born and if I had to leave them with my H for a time.

Shopping - 'how dare you spend money?? We have none!' Not true and he spends about $40 a day at convenience stores on coffee, cigarettes, who the hell knows. I'll go out and pick up lunch about once a week, $7.

Constant text messages when I'm not home - 'when will you be home' '(kid) is crying, someone threw up, they won't sleep, they are miserable'

Took my 6 yr old out last week to a fair for some quality time, left little ones home, berated with texts and if I didn't answer I got 'thank God nothing bad happens, most parents would check their phone' Oh so now I'm a bad mother. I was out for an hour at that point.

Great Aunt /Surrogate Grandmother's viewing and funeral last winter 2 hour drive away -left kids home, was gone total of 27 hours. 'why do you have to be there for the whole thing? your family doesn't support you, why do you care about them? when was the last time you called her? visited her?'

He has a job where he often is home by 3pm. He's a better cook and has more time, so he cooks dinner usually. I transport kids and get home around 6, I work 9-5. I get 3 phone calls in my 20 min commute home YESTERDAY. 'When will you be here, will you be eating, why can't you leave earlier, I cooked and you dont appreciate it, I won't cook anymore, who were you talking to (if the cell beeps that I'm on the phone when it's ringing for him)'

I really need to work full time and H complains about money constantly esp if I spend any of it, but my 2 yr old hasn't been sleeping easily lately, she won't let me leave her room and I got 'maybe she doesn't see you enough'

Beat me down and beat me down until there's nothing left...as if it's not hard enough being a working Mom, my main support system doesn't exist. Where I should get comfort, I get compaints, guilt and BS. And finally when all kids are in bed at night (I do most of that battle) I should feel guilty cause 'isn't it awful that your H has to jerk off cause you won't have sex' Oh yes, I'm supposed to find the time and desire and energy to fulfill his needs.. cause that's what it's all about right?


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Just chiming in to say my X also smoked (and still continues to smoke massive quantities of pot. He also would never let me drive if he was in the car, although he had racked up tons of speeding/aggressive driving tickets etc.


This is my question now:
How long can they keep up the facade with someone new?


X has a new girlfriend (she's 50) who according to my kids is very nice, apparently she's a high school English teacher, divorced, with 3 older children (college age, whereas mine are 6 and 12).

He doesn't smoke pot around her, doesn't rattle off about conspiracy theories, and has my kids with her 24/7 on his weekends with them. He actually even took them all to a mall, which I had never seen him do in 20+years of knowing him.

I think this may actually be a good thing as he acts normal around her, and actually takes them places and feeds them meals. (which he never does when he is alone with them.)

He is just as crazy as ever as a mutual old friend was speaking with him last week, and she said "wow........he's gone round the bend, even for him." she has known him as long as I have and knows our history.


I almost feel bad for her as she has no idea what she's in for........


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have caught him in numerous lies the latest one being about his paycheck how much he made and how much he took out of the bank.

I asked him last night why he hasn't showed his pay stub to me yet and he said he did not get it, I know he is lying and then he got very defensive and turned to why do I have to see it do I think he is lying? And then he asked why I won't show him my bank account.

My question is with NPD, when you catch them in lies and they get defensive, should I worry? He has NPD rage at times but last night he was just wierd, scratching his head and rubbing his legs.

the other day he was watching shemale porn, and I know that he lied about his money so I guess I am asking if I should ever confront him about the lies or just wait until I have reached my limit and then leave.

he keeps saying he is trying his best and is fighting for the relationship to work, that he is doing nothing wrong and is not lying to me and the whole time he is talking all I can think about is that NPD cannot tell the truth, they cannot be faithful and they only keep you as long as they need you and then you are thrown away with no looking back.

One small lie was he said his son asked for a ride to work when he actually offered to take him. I am just at a loss for all the lies big and small, I guess he doesn't know that I know about them and as long as he feels he can get away with it he will.

Should I ever confront him about all of this?

Should I worry about the shemale porn?

Do NPD ever tell the truth?

Please give me whatever coping skills you can to help me get through this, I am not able to leave right now and feel uneasy with everything that is going on.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wanttobeloved)))

They lie all the time, for no apparent reason. Just for something to say I guess. Must love the sound of their own voice. :)

The shemale porn thing - does he watch a lot of other porn? Mine usually sticks with the basics but I've caught him looking at some strange stuff, but never for long and nothing illegal. If yours watches a lot of porn he might have just gotten bored with the regular stuff. Keep an eye out for more of it I guess, just to see if a pattern is developing.

You already know he's lying to you, so when he says he isn't you know it's crap. He also isn't fighting for the relationship if he's lying, so more crap.

I know about a lot of my NPDs lies too. I'm not confronting until I walk out the door. Why bother? At least now I know what I'm dealing with. Letting him know I know will only make him hide it better.

My personal belief is the defensiveness is to get us off their backs, especially when it comes out as the rage we all know and love. Nothing is worth that, and they know we'll shut up if they lose their minds. Even if we don't shut up, they can't hear us and everything we say will be so twisted we won't even know what they're responding to. They know how to make us go away. They know how to get us to do basically whatever they want.

So, as for coping, you know everything I just stated. The only thing we can do is watch and learn about them, just as they've instinctively done to us. Watch what sets him off, watch what makes him smile. Watch what drives him up the wall. Learn everything you can about his behavior. Basically, become him.

Seriously, it's so helpful in detaching. Instead of engaging with them, subject them to experiments. Make them the star in a movie you're directing.

The strange thing about NPDs is that they treat others as objects, when in reality they are the object. They are unable to feel and love, just like my end tables.

I'm sorry you're struggling today. Some days really are easier than others.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

never:
Watch what sets him off, watch what makes him smile.

This is the scariest statement I have ever read. Because it is so true.

It's the smile part that is frightening. I think we are living with monsters.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long can they keep up the facade with someone new?

Indefinitely. How long did he keep it up with you. Mine went about 3 years before she didn'g have to. I was hooked.

"wow........he's gone round the bend, even for him."

When put under stess or duress they escalate. The stress of discovery caused mine to scalate and get even more rediculous each time. This actually can help us. It made everything so much more obvious that I could not deny it any longer.

he got very defensive and turned to why do I have to see it do I think he is lying? And then he asked why I won't show him my bank account.

My question is with NPD, when you catch them in lies and they get defensive, should I worry?

First off he got defensive because if you saw his paycheck stub you would know he is lying.....which means he would be caught doing something wrong.....hecan not be wrong.....he will go to his grave to protect that status.

Secondly, he is deflecting the spotlight back on you and making you seem flawed. Why don't you show hime your???? What he is saying is if you aren't showing him yours and you are inocent then him not showing you his must mean he is inocent. It is this crazy logic mindfuck shit that NPDs seem to have. We wonder why they tell us such rediculous shit and expect us to believe them. Well because in their escalated state of "never be wrong" desperation.....it makes sense to them. That part can get really entertaining some times. Just be careful not to poke the tiger too often. With my STBX, if I had too much fun with this she would feel trapped eventually and do the NPD Rage thing.

Should I ever confront him about all of this?

Should I worry about the shemale porn?

The only good it will do is if you want to experiment with him. Since you KNOW he is lying and you confront him, pay very close attention to his responses. Watch his every little action down to his eyebrow movement. Since he will not give direct answers pay attention to what he says and his tone and bodylanguage. You do this enough times and keep notes....you can see patterns develop. Eventually you can predict almost exactly what they will say or do. I am super analytical....with very heavy emphasis on anal....so I am always trying to figure out what makes them tick. Some stuff I read and other stuff I observe and document for future reference.

They study us very closely too. They use the information they discover and store it for use later when they need it to manipulate us.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The strange thing about NPDs is that they treat others as objects, when in reality they are the object. They are unable to feel and love, just like my end tables.

Wow!!! Grrreeaaat observation!!!! And oh so true!!!!

Yet sometimes we just love our old end tables and can't throw them out.

Actually, I guess the old end table has sentimental value because it may be a reminder of a pleasant time. So it is hard to get rid of it.....Same with our NPD spouses. They physically remind us of who we thought they were. Even though we know they are broken and damaged, we just can't throw them out. Well I through mine out when I realized it reminded me of horrible times too. And I realized that I could never repair that broken end table. It could not be fixed so all it was doing was getting in the way and taking up space where the new end table could go. Get my drift here???? I have my eye on a new end table.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank - you've done a lot of homework on this and a lot of living with an NPD spouse. So, I feel you are the one to ask. Plus, you made the comment in the last post that made me want to ask.

My stbxh is on the NPD spectrum. He's never showed any rage or anger. He's more of the arrogant, can't be wrong, silent treatment type. You said something in the last post though that made me wonder and it seems to fit what he's doing. What is it about the NPD that makes them go over the cliff with stupid, reckless and ridiculous decisions once they are backed into the corner and either about to be caught or caught???

My stbxh is acting like a guy who just wants to go out in a blaze of glory. He looked white as a sheet the day that he knew he was busted with OW. He looked even whiter the day he had to walk into court and disclose the almost $30,000 of credit card debt that I had no idea about. Since that time, it's like he has no ability to think. Like his brain has been shoved so far up his ass and his horrible decisions are so obvious it's almost sickening.

What is this all about??? Is it their total inability to look themselves in the mirror? Do they see it, but not want to face it?

I have such a hard time with all of this because I'm so opposite from NPD. I have self confidence, sure. But with me, what you see is what you get.

I would love to hear your opinion. Thanks in advance.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heart in a blend,

Sorry I jumped the page and almost missed your post. I am so sorry you feel trapped with him. I do not know your story and/or about your health issues that are trapping you, I would just like to point something out without being hurtful. So if this is hurtful it is do to my lack of information.....

If you are choosing to stay with an NPD do you realize you are accepting that your needs may never be met? That his needs will always take a priority over yours? YOu are taking th risk that someday your health issues and needs will be ignored by him. Just like we NEED them to do things to help us heal from their infidelity, and they have the ability to give us these things, yet they won't because it does not serve a purpose for them and their benefit. KWIM???

If your health issues are causing you to be financially dependent upon him, then try to remember and plan for the possibility that when you no longer meet their needs they can discard you like yesterday's trash. I have talked extensively with a member on SI whose husband just up and left the country taking all the money and leaving her with a stack of bills and $20 with no concern for her health, how she would support herself, where she would go, who would take care of her or anything. They were married 26 years......not a second thought or a glance backwards.

Just a caution....try to shift that dependence to someone else if you can.

I am so so very sorry you feel trapped and dependent. That is heartbreaking for me. It has brought tears to my eyes just thinking about the desperation you must be feeling. My heart and hugs go out to you. Please do everything you can to protect and take care of yourself and your heart.

His personal relationship is with his bottle.

And then to have to live with this too......Uggghhh!!!

Substance abuse is very common with NPDs just as infideltiy is very common. Yep, just another sign of what you are dealing with. I wish you the best.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is it about the NPD that makes them go over the cliff with stupid, reckless and ridiculous decisions

First, as they get more and more esposed they beoome more and more desperate to preserve their "image" of being good and right. They are grasping at straws and are in panic mode.

Secondly, you have to remember that their responses and emotions are copied and learned. So they desperately try to come up with the "appropriate" response. When they are blindsided by the fact that we are no longer buying their bullshit (which in the past we did), they are not prepared with how to respond or act.

ONe of the things I have learned through reading and experimenting, is if you keep pushing through the bullshit and keep calling them out on it, is they will generally react in one of two ways. If you eventually push them to a point that they no longer can find the resources in their brain and memory banks to respond appropriately (they draw a blank), then they just stare blankly into space. Kinda like when these damn computers become so loaded down with info that they can not process as fast as they need to, they just freeze. KWIM. But until then it is like googling their brain. They put in a search for "irish" and it spits out "irish pub", "irish coffee coffee", "luck of the irish", etc.....get the concept. They are spitting out whatever comes up that is close to what they need.

The second response, when they can not process the answers they are looking for, is rage.....they attack to throw you off. Their best defense becomes a strong offense. If you want to push them over the edge to violent rage.....just ignore their verbal rages, their raised fists, their attempts at storming away, and just calmly follow them around and stay calm and keep repeating the quetions and busting their bullshit. They will suddenly turn and attack you physically. Hitting, pushing, throwing things at you. If you persist.....as I did....they can try to kill you. Be careful about poking the tiger. This happened before I knew anything about NPD. I got the butcher knife and the skillet, and I have the scars to prove it.

The violence is the extreme version of your "going over the cliff" with stupid.

There was actually something I read that addressed this phenomina but I could not find where I read it. I will keep looking and post it if I ever find it. I have read so much in the past year that I forget where I read things.

I hope this answered your question.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toughgirl,

Beat me down and beat me down until there's nothing left...

and

my main support system doesn't exist

There are so many on SI that are in this same boat. Most don't even know yet that they are dealing with NPD. The few of us that slowly figure it out, and make it to this thread, are then faced with accepting it. The hard part is letting go. I know you are in that stage of your struggle and you are flipping back and forth between letting go and hoping you are wrong about the NPD.

This is the toughest part of the process. You will find your way soon. You are very close and probably just need to work out the logistics and finances. Your nightmare is almost over and you can soon begin to truly heal.

You are feeling like you are beat down till there is nothing left of you. It will soon become survival instinct that will help you make the final push. You have been through a lot and I just wanted to let you know that I feel what you feel and sympathize and empathize with you.

Keep working at processing the shit storm. It does get so very much better so very quickly. Even though my life is a complete disaster right now....job, finances, no home, etc. I am infinitely happier than when I had to deal with the NPD bullshit and pain. The healing I have done in the last 3 months is the differnce between night and day. It gives me new strength every time I think about it.

Let me know if I can help in any way.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lived with my NPD XWH for 10 years and I know the hurt and confusion. I know every now and then they throw you a crumb of the person they were in the beginning.

We desperately want them to love us because we think they have the capacity to love. But they don't.

We hear their lies (mine used to tell so many lies it was comical until I realised he was also lying to me).

We learn not to 'poke the tiger'. We learn to walk on egg shells. We learn to accept the silent treatment. We learn our needs will NEVER be met. EVER.

My WXH wouldn't even walk across the street to get me something from the pharmacy when I had migraines.

Once I needed a pethadine injection for a migraine I'd had for 3 days. He took me to doctor, I got the injection and warned him he had to get me home and on the bed fast otherwise he'd have to carry me in. He pulled up outside our house, got out of the car with the keys and chatted to the neighbour about the weather while I crawled up the stairs and had to lean on the locked front door waiting for him to finish his conversation.

That's how unimportant my needs were.

Living with them is a no win situation. They will discard you if you are no longer useful to them.

These last few days I've realised not to take his 'devaluing and discarding' personally. It wasn't me he didn't love. He can't love anyone. He can only love what people do for him. Others are just reflections, to reflect back the all wonderful person they want to be.

We are just objects to them, their supply. And heaven forbid if we failed to be perfect or to have human needs. They'll find another supply.

PS The phone. I always wondered why my POS XWH would get shitty if I talked on the phone for more than 15 mins chatting to friends. He'd walk into the room, sigh or huff and puff. It was crazy stuff.

And the debt. By the time he left he had racked up $20,000 in loans. Every holiday we had I had to arrange and pay for. Even though we went halves with rent and bills I always ended up paying extra bills myself because every time I'd ask him for his share he'd turn it into a huge drama so it was easier to just say nothing and pay it out of my own money.

Yep he bled me dry.

Funnily enough his MOW is apparently quite wealthy. What a surprise ..

[This message edited by Faith2011 at 10:34 PM, August 10th (Wednesday)]


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, as they get more and more esposed they beoome more and more desperate to preserve their "image" of being good and right. They are grasping at straws and are in panic mode.

Yep, how's this one....
When I confronted XWS about a phone number in his contact list (that I knew was a hooker) he said it was a woman he loaned his AAA card to. He was on his way out for a sail, so got her number in case she forgot to leave the card for him on his windshield.

Nice, huh? What a helpful great guy.

I wanted to pop in and run something by you guys. I think I may need to find a NPD support thread that deals with issues other than infidelity, but if you don't mind, I would love input and/or support.

My XWS, SA, drug (pot & meth) addict is currently only seeing our daughter during supervised visits which I supervise.

Recently, due to failed drug tests and on the recommendation of my daughters counselor, he was required to get a medical marijuana card or pass a THC test in order to continue visits with our daughter. He had 30 days to do either. He agreed to this. Well, he failed the test and I asked for his card. He said he did not have one yet, and sent the following texts:

You know that'll cost me about 300$ to get, I'm staying clean with everything else. You let our daughter to be in the care of medical marijuana daily users. Would you not allow that without a card, you know Dr. Pa*** recommended long ago, but would not do so officially. I do not think I am a legal threat by any means but if you insist then it will be weeks before any person can see a state card no matter how much money is used. I can show you a prescription in hours.

3 minutes later, he texts:
Blah blah blah (yep, he really wrote this!)

30 minutes later:
No comment huh

I have not responded to him. My friend that smokes pot does not do so when my daughter is in her care. A card can be obtained with a doctors note immediately where we live.

This entire thing wreaks of blaming, guilting, justifying, rationalizing, goading, bullying, emotionally immature (ie NPD)behavior, yes?

I thought about responding with a copy of the original e-mail where he agreed to get a card. I know better than to engage him on individual arguements as this would just feed his ego.

As I said, so far I have ignored his texts. Do you guys think this is the way to go?

Can anyone recommend another site where I could get support for these sort of things? Ya'll have been an incredible support and I look forward to any input, but I do not want to bog down this thread.

Thanks guys, and a wish for a peaceful night to all!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only good it will do is if you want to experiment with him. Since you KNOW he is lying and you confront him, pay very close attention to his responses. Watch his every little action down to his eyebrow movement. Since he will not give direct answers pay attention to what he says and his tone and bodylanguage. You do this enough times and keep notes....you can see patterns develop. Eventually you can predict almost exactly what they will say or do.

I studied my XWH after I discovered his A. During the 7 weeks it took to get him to leave I noticed when he lied his eyes would get big and he would look straight at me. But he wouldn't blink. Not once. Normal people blink at least once while talking. Not my NPD. Nope. And he'd smile. A crazy half wit smirk.

The bigger the lie the bigger his eyes would get and the longer he was able to look straight at me.

So much for 'people lying can't look you in the face'.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Agate
♀ New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to give up hope, the false front is really hard for me to dismiss. I feel destroyed, too. I have nowhere to to even start picking up pieces.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up early this morning because I felt so uneasy about last night.

I left the house around 6:50 and soon after he was back on the sites watching shemale porn again and a little of some other granny porn. Usually he watches for about 10 minutes last night he got a whole half an hour in.

I notice now that if I mention something to him and he thinks it bothers me he makes sure to do it, I am amazed at how disturbed he really is.

It has gotten to the point now where the only time I feel good is when he is not around, I wish he worked 24 hours a day.

I just do not understand why I feel like I am the one with NPD, I feel like I am watching my life pass me by on a movie screen and there is nothing I can do about it.

My next question is if we do not exist to them and they could care less about us or our feelings then why do they say they want to stay? He is so convincing with it, I almost believe him, I think he just wants me here to fill the house up because whenever he is home he plays scrabble, poker, watches tv and has very little interaction with me, no affection, nothing that resembles someone in love, and he can't wait to have the house to himself to watch porn. If this is how he is living then why bother wanting me to stay. I feel like his mother instead of his girlfriend.

Then today is payday for him and he usually tells me what his pay was but not today so when I looked at the bank account it was much less than it was supposed to be. That tells me that there is something going on and he is not working as much as he says he is.

It is almost like as soon as I found out about his ONS he stopped caring about me, no more MC and hardly any talking at home, he transformed from this person I loved to some stranger I don't even know.

I have been watching his reactions and notice that he rubs his head a lot, and gets very nervous when it is time to go to bed, like he is afraid I am going to ask for sex, one night I did and he said no, he is tired can he get a rain check, now how many men do that?

SO if he is not cheating then he must be using the porn to take care of his needs and leaving me to take care of myself, this whole situation is a nightmare and I want to wake up.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank - OMG! Yes! I never got the rage, luckily, but I know that blank stare well.

I believe that I busted him with the cheating, the gambling, the drinking and the debt way before I even knew I busted him, KWIM? I liken him to a person who was a confidential informant for the FBI - HE knows he's got a big secret but no one else does. However, because he knows, he is keenly aware of everything and everyone's reactions going on around him. Any little question will prompt panic. That's what I believe happened.

Then the true panic set in when I really found out and there was no longer a way around it for him. He shut down. Oh sure, the lies kept coming, but he did all he could to avoid opening his mouth. He had that deer in the headlights look and, in fact, my attorney tells me that every time she sees him, that's what she sees. She sees a guy who has no fucking clue as to what he's doing. He's trying to put on the show, but there's nothing solid.

I think I'm starting to get it. His whole way of thinking and his whole way of life was turned upside down and he had no idea how to handle it.

Now, my next question - how much more disaster and destruction occurs in their lives when the OP is nothing but a border-line, serial cheating drama queen?? It's not as if he hooked up with someone who was educated and solid - this one is a bunny boiling prize who I'm sure tries to push him in every direction, every which way.

God, what a mess. I guess the best thing for me and the kids to do is to step out of the way and let the universe take over. I will walk on and do what Frank also said in an earlier post - train myself not to give him and her anymore head space and to take them out like yesterday's garbage.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bent,

I have been to a few other sites that deal with NPD but they are very slow moving when it comes to boards or blogs and don't ssem to have much info other than infidelity issues. The link I posted on the last page or so is one of those sites. I have found there is more shared info here than anywhere else.

I am to the point that the infidelity is not even and issue anymore. It is just one of the consequences of NPD. The bigger issue is deciding whether to stay or go based on NPD not infidelity. I personally can not stay in a relationship with NPD because I know it is not a real relationship at all.

As for the visitations and the addiction issue, I am not an expert in that area but as it is related to an NPD I will do the best I can.

IMO, The conditions for visitation were clear. Either he meets the requriements or he doesn't. If you let him slip on this issue then eventually he will slip on more. My opinion is to stand firm. Having said that, you are also dealing with NPD. You not responding and contacting him is pushing his NPD buttons.....they HATE it when you do not respond because it is not all about them and if you are not responding they can not make it all about them. He needs you to feed his need for power and make him feel like he is in control of something. Just wondering what his new tactic will be when he gives up on the snarky verbal (text) assaults.

I am not sure of your living situation but I would not be at all surprised if he makes a physical appearance very soon. And the tactic he will use when he does physically show up could vary.

I expect the "I just want to work this out" calm approach first. And when you respond with the conditions requirement thing, I expect an angry NPD verbal assault about what a bitch you are, etc. (intimidation). And when you try to walk away or close the door I would expect him to either physically try to block you walking away or if you slam the door, I would expect a door kicking/pounding rage. (physical intimidation), At that time I would call 911 because this is the line that he may cross into physical assault. You never know when they are going to escalate to this new level. Just because he has never done this before does not mean he won't. The new stresses cause escalation. My STBX has never physically assaulted me in 30 years, but do to the escalation brought on by the stess of being caught, she crossed that line.

All I am saying is to be prepared and take precautions. Keep a VAR on you at all times and keep 911 on speed dial. A can of pepper spray would not be a bad thing to keep around either.....even though I never advocate the use of violence if avoidable I do advocate being prepared.

After thinking this through, it the best I can do. You have to decide for yourself what is best. You asked for an opinion and that is all that this is.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agate,

Based on your sign up date I see you are fairly new to the site. It would help if we knew a little more about your back story. When your DDay was and a little of what you are dealing with. If you think you are married to a NPD spouse, then you need to read and learn all you can about NPD. Educating yourself will make it easier for you to pick up on the signs. Once you start to recognize the signs then the easier it will be for you to accept what you are dealing with and accept the NPD. Once you accept it and understand that it is incurable and untreatable, then you can let go. Once you have accepted it you will have to let go of HOPE. Because there is no HOPE. That will not keep you from WISHING. You can wish this never happened or you can wish he weren't NPD. But you have to let hope go.

As I have stated before., there is a difference between hoping and wishing. Hoping is believing that it can happen. Wishing is accepting that it can't happen but that is not what you wanted.

I hope you can share with us when you are ready.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 11th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just do not understand why I feel like I am the one with NPD
,

Ha!!! Just a few pages back I expressed the same concern...I guess dealing with their selfishness has made us a littl narcississtic too. We tend to have to be selfish in order to survive with them. We quit giving as mush and start withholding from them because we are not getting our needs met and that makes us feel vulnerable and the relationship is one sided. We get to the point that we have to put our own neesds first occasionally.....because they NEVER will put our needs first.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
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