If a tornado came along and plucked your house and your spouse (ugh...sounds like Dr. Seuse) away from you....what would you do. Think in those terms. Gather support and help anywhere you can find it.
Status: S & D'ing
After one of his rages where I had to threaten him with calling the cops I realized that for my own safety I had to leave. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. I used to be strong and independent but he wore me down and turned me inside out. I did leave and it has been hard for me.
I want you to know that you can do it, you can find a way. You have adult children that live with you, can they help you by working? Can they be your support system? I know that asking for help is very difficult but we have to sometimes. I am on disability and now have to go for food stamps. I have never had to do this before and it is humiliating but I know that it will only be for now.
Talk to your children and maybe you can all rent an apartment and they can support you while you finish school. Your grandchildren do not need to be exposed to your wh. Please listen to Frank2010, the man is super smart and knows how to deal with NPD. Please protect yourself and leave this situation.
One thing you have to get straight with yourself right now is that he was broken long long before you came into the picture.
Exactly. He didn't seem that way because he was Mr. Charming, Mr. Perfect. You think you watched him deteriorate into this monster person you know now. You didn't. He was always like this. He just hid it from you.
I bet if you did any digging you'd hear stories of the terrible things he did and said to others long before he met you.
You aren't to blame here. NPDs are experts at being what their victims want. He knows he's worn you down and now thinks he can act any way he wants because you won't leave. He thinks that by being nice to you for a few days you'll forget all about the other actions.
You didn't do this.
I have had no luck in finding anything and I know I have enough support to leave just need a place and the money to do it.
I am trying very hard not to confront him but it is becoming impossible, with his porn watching and lies and now his kid acting like he is the king I feel like I am living in the twilight zone.
The sooner I get my kids out of here the better off we will be but confrontation is becoming inevitable.
The two of them walking around lying and acting like they are the greatest thing that ever hit the earth is sickening.
I know what is going to happen I just do not know what to expect from him. He changes from one day to the next and says that he will support my decision to leave then the next he says he will take the plates off the van which will leave me with transportation.
NPD is so unpredictable and scary I never know if I am in serious danger or if he is bluffing. How dangerous are they? Should I be worried? This is probably the worst situation I have ever been in, and I have had some pretty bad situations.
I am just wondering how I attract such sick people into my life and why once you are in it is so hard to get out.
I know from everything I have read that his kid is a real dissappointment to him, considering that they are trying to portray this grandiose look of success and it is not the case with this one.
I always thought it was amazing that when I had $100 I would say I was broke and he thought I was rich, he wasn;t happy until I was broke.
I guess everyone is right he will only give the bare minimum to keep me hooked and once he knows that I am no longer hooked he will discard me like yesterdays trash. How sad to have been with him for ten years and just now see him for who he really is.
Your posts are bringing me to tears this morning. Please pardon my long winded response below, but I am just so taken with where you are. I hope you find something of use in my experience. I am so glad that you seem to be moving in the direction of beginning a new life.
I left my XWS NPD SA loser in October of last year, and I will be honest with you- it has been a struggle. I am nowhere near as healed as I would like to be. BUT, I am safe, my daughter is safe, and we have a good life. Even better, we have the hope for a great life. This is something that would have NEVER been possible with him. The timeline for healing from infidelity is 2-5 years. Add NPD to the mix, and I am giving myself the full 5 years!
On the confronting thing, I recently ran this very question by a LCSW friend of mine. Her response, "Why bother, you have confronted in the past and it meant nothing."
What do you hope to gain in confronting?
If it is a release of your anger, just know he will one up you in response, and you will be even more angry and confused than before. BTDT. Or, they will fake remorse for a little while...then back at is, as you know. BTDT more times than I care to admit.
If it is to get him to SEE, please try to remember he is NPD. They don't see past their own immediate needs.
Please, find another way to vent...get it out here, journal, talk to friends, whatever it takes. This man simply will not respond in the way a healthy person would.
As to whether or not he is bluffing, I struggle here too. I hate the anxiety it causes. I try to prepare for the worst without going all doomsday on myself. I think most of the time they are bluffing, but if they do go off, it can be seriously dangerous. Assume and prepare for the worst. At least you won't be taken by suprise.
Please quietly get your ducks in a row, line up as much support as possible, and get the hell out!
then the next he says he will take the plates off the van which will leave me with transportation
This man is scary! Controlling, manipulative, and again, scary. BTDT, too. The mind games are unreal. Here is a copy of a post it note on my medicine cabinet:
"He is gaslighting and manipulating your emotions PUPOSEFULY to keep you off balance and upset"
This could not be any more true. It makes me angry just writing it, but this is life with an NPD.
OK, I need to go call my counselor after writing all of this. I hope it does not do the same thing to you. Please trust I write in hopes of offering some support, not to get you worked up.
Recovering from life with an NPD is a long, hard, arduous, painful road. Staying with them is worse.
I wish you a moment of peace today, and hope you are able to do something positive for yourself. I need to listen to my own words. Hugs to you.
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
It is making physically ill and making it hard for me to concentrate on what is really important like my kids, me and my new grandson.
Sometimes I think it is funny to know that if I mention something to him about his clothes or hair he will act on it, then I think how insane he must be to watch porn with my kids awake in the next room, and then as soon as I come home he acts like he can't wait to spend time with me.
He continually makes comments about our future and how we will grow old together and then he goes right back to his scrabele or poker. He only watches porn when I am not at home but it so perverted it scares me. The other day he was warching animal porn and I though I was going to puke.
If he does all of this in the house I can only imagine what he does when he is not home.
I found out a long time ago that he was not into intimacy but now understanding that he is NPD the ONS makes sense, it was his supply, which is sick because I had to suffer with an STD which means I am only putting myself in more danger staying the next time it could be worse and I am sure ther ewill be a next time.
For a normal person that can feel and empathize and understands the importance of others this disorder really is hard to understand. I had a rough life and bad relationships but it did not make me cold and callous, it just made me adjust my thoughts, when I met WH I thought I had made a good decision only to know now that I was blindsided again.
I am trying to think positive but at the age of 43 and having to start my life over again, it doesn't matter how long it takes to heal from this trying to imagine myself in another relationship is useless. I have been in college for four years and now need to find a job so I can pay back all the money I borrowed and try to leave something for my kids.
It is strange how life takes a turn because I thought that is what I was doing with the house and college but the house is in his name and all the dreams I had are now gonewith the rest of this make believe life I had, so sad.
I can understand why your H's child can be driving you completely crazy... you must feel so helpless.. but you're not alone, you have to worry about yourself now and your kids.
I have a stepchild in the house who sometimes shows similar tendencies as my H, she was largely raised by my in-laws til 13 then has been with us for almost 7 yrs full time. Since they took on the responsibility for her, my H's relationship with her is like a big brother. I'm constantly refereeing fights about how he doesn't support her enough financially (college student) she wants him to pay for every little thing and he doesn't think he should anymore, she has multiple jobs, so why should he and he is incapable of providing the emo support a teenage girl needs.
So I've taken care of that to the best of my ability but I have 3 little ones of my own too and if he and I can't meet her immediate need when she wants something, she complains to my in-laws who give it to her. (Often petty little crap, like Dad won't buy me deodorant...) And my H has actually said she was a bitch to her face on more than 1 occasion... sooooo wrong. I've told him so, he doesn't quite get it, if I ever hear him say it to our girls we have together, I'll clock him.
Now she's very aware of our potential to split up and aware of his selfishness, but mostly just wants what she wants, and to go back to school where she doesn't have to be around her father.
I also feel for you on the porn to some degree.. I don't know exactly what my H is looking at but I'm familiar with the websites he frequents, and it's like if I don't want to tell him I will have sex on a given night, he'll ask, "oh then should I take care of myself this afternoon or before I come up to bed??" It's sad, and it may have only been a few days since we were last intimate... I can't imagine what it's like for you to have seen what you've seen. It sounds like it really would be best for you to get out in any way possible. You'll be ok, you will get a job, I'm sure your kids can help you.
Bent has some really good advice just as Frank and Faith do.. I should be following it more closely myself right now. Hang in there... take back the control, you can do it. It's your life and you still have time to live it the way YOU want to live it. Peace and best wishes to you...
I am so confused with him on everything, this morning he was mad at me because i could not give him money for gas and cigerettes, yet he has no problem lying to me about how much his paychecks are and how much money he took out of the bank.
I think the reason I am driving myself crazy is because I know every time he lies to me and yet cannot tell him, it is the only card I have, it helps me feel protected.
I have asked him if he is watching porn and he says no, I keep asking him about money and he swears he is not doing anything wrong or lying to me.
I am amazed at how much energy they put inot being decietful and try to cover the lies with more lies, if it was not for tis site I would not have the computer program to know how many lies he is telling.
NPD response to not meeting HIS needs. It is your fault there is not enough money. Not his fault for mis appropriation of his paycheck.
Don't let it bother you....consider the source and smile to yourself after he leaves. Shake your head and let it go. Nothing you can do about it so why give it any thought?
There will be lots more stupid shit to come....don't let him push the buttons. Take charge of your buttons again.....just saying
[This message edited by Frank2010 at 5:10 PM, August 18th (Thursday)]
I would lie awake at night deeply distressed after yet another of my NPD WH rages, his neglect, his grandiose ideas that would put him more in debt, the crumbs, his withdrawal of affection, the silent treatment.
I didn't have the courage to leave him. I didn't know how I would support myself. I hated being alone at night.I thought I'd be terribly lonely.
I had this awful mental image of being shackled to him and I couldn't find the key to set myself free.
But he left me by having the A. Even though he wanted to live as 'housemates' with me because I was supplying his need for me to cover the bills, cook and clean and counsel him. But I managed to get him out of the house and hey guess what?!
I can pay my bills. I have full time work. I'm not afraid. I'm not lonely.
Fear isn't being alone. Fear is hearing his car pull up the driveway. Fear is walking on eggshells when he was sulking. Fear is listening to him slam doors. Fear is always being alert to his hit and run rages. Fear is knowing we'd never be able to save for a deposit for our own home because of his need for 'toys' so he could brag and look good. Fear is knowing if I got ill and needed medical treatment I couldn't rely on him.
Loneliness isn't being alone. Loneliness is being subjected to yet another week of silent treatment. Loneliness is having to attend social functions on my own because he could never be bothered if it didn't suit him. Loneliness is feeling ashamed and confused.
Whatever your fear is, that stops you from leaving your NPD spouse, is nothing compared to the reality of spending the rest of your life with them.
I wish I'd had the courage to leave years ago.
"Live the best life possible."
H is taking second poly on Saturday. He already failed one.
Wishing you all a peaceful day.
He walked out the door and said f*** you very much and slammed the door.
For ten years I sat here not knowing why I had to beg for attention or sex, why everything seemed to be more important than me, feeling lonely and only being intimate once in a while, then talking to other people and finding out that there relationship is nothing like that.
Every time I would try to touch him he had to go to the bethroom or his neck was hurting, the only time I feel like really being intimate is when we are finally alone and he has never even attempted. If I don't it doesn't happen.
It took only 3 visits for MC to tell me what he was and now I see it everyday, I am non exitent to him and can tell that he is NPD everyday. I have never felt this way before, and I have had some very abusive relationships, but this type of abuse is the worst. At times I feel like a two year old begging for mommy's attention, at times I get very angry because of all the lying and betrayal that I know about and have to remind myself that he does not know that I know.
So to protect myself I have to keep secrets and it makes me feel decietful, and when he lies and I know he is it makes it hard for me not to say anything. This is a vey twisted life and exhausting, but until I have a back up plan I have no choice.
I try every day to think positive but the confusion and chaos makes that hard too.
I now ask myself how could I have become addicted or
co dependent on someone that never cared about me and how do I stop?
I want to be happy and feel secure and always thought that this man could do that for me and although I know he was broken before we got together what kind of person am I not to see that and run before we got serious, and then to put up with it for ten years and call it love, I have started evaluating myself and my insecurties.
I researchh NPD every day and I know he looks at me as a weak disgrace and not deserving of him, that he never loved me and I am his supply, that he will continue to cheat on me and lie to me to keep the supply coming, I am amazed at the amount of energy he puts into lying and all that I just mentioned makes me feel very unsafe, I consider myself a good person and do not like the person I become whenever he is around.
All day I feel safe and happy and as soon as he comes home from work I feel uneasy and sad. Like a switch goes off in my head to put the radar on.
Is this normal? I need all the advice I can get.
do whatever you can now to get out of the house when he is in it. my father was a raging npd, and my mother didn't believe in divorce back then. (they've been divorced for quite a while now.)
my mom used to take us kids to whatever free event was going on around town to get us all out of the house.
there were all sorts of free classes, lectures, anything...basically if it was free, she brought us there. I remember sitting through lectures on native american baskets, differnt religions, taking free boating safety classes (which was actually cool as they took us all out on sailboats) etc. we practically lived at the library. you need to minimize your contact with him as you prepare to exit.
the unpredictability of his behavior is a twisted variable reinforcement schedule. (see operant conditioning). this is how he continues to control your behavior and keep you walking on eggshells.
as far as being intimate with him, you need to stop even considering that. who knows who (or what) he's been screwing, especially if he's watching animal porn.
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced
Question....for those who got mostly full custody how did you do it? He wants his 50% not a min more but damned if he doesn't have 50/50 on paper (he often doesn't utilize his time). I want him evaluated to show what a nut job he is, his lawyer even suggested it during the D to my lawyer, wish I had listened then, but I wanted it over.
My advice to anyone still married or going thru D....
1. Therapy, lots of it for yourself, this is priceless
2. Fight and when you feel like you can't anymore call someone who can rally you
3. Get as much custody as possible at any cost, this is my biggest regret currently, I should've fought for him only getting them every other weekend
4. Time heals, but it takes a long fucking time. I started detaching in 4/09 and still have years to go
5. It does get better, even just knowing how predictable he is and how I am the sane one has made huge strides in all aspects of my life
I am struggling as always with how this is my life, how he fucked it up so good and permanently since we have kids together, ugh.
It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!
yet I am more at peace than I have been in many years. Since detaching and letting go....the healing is phenomally fast. Before detaching....healing was non existant. Life is rough but I am fine.
Frank I'm so happy for you and I know exactly what you mean. People need to know there can be a good life after detaching from our NPD spouses.
It takes so much courage to leave them because they insidiously wear us down with their intention to keep us confused, upset and manipulated. Add to that, that they love them
Ooops that was a Freudian Slip. I meant to say " Add to that, we love them".
But hey I was probably right the first time
I'm not minimising the hell they have put us through. I feel shell shocked. Not just because of the A, but because it's like someones switched a huge spotlight on what was my life for the past decade. Everything makes sense now. I'm shocked I stayed with the POS after all the cruelty and abuse and parasitic behaviour.
To see the truth .. he didn't love me in the way I thought he did or could.
Frank is healing in his 12 x 12 room with his dogs. I'm healing in my house, working my ass off to pay the bills and rent on my own, with my beloved pets.
Someone earlier posted that they have a chance of happiness now. Something they never could have had with their NPD.
That sums it up. That's the reason to leave. Life is precious.
I guess wanting him to be normal I believed him but only for a minute, I actually started to think that maybe he was misdiagnosed, then I remembered that this is what he does, find ways to manipulate me to do what he wants.
I sit here dazed and confused about his words, he gambles, plays computer games and watches movies and that is it, we do nothing fun together, we moved here four years ago and we have been in debt ever since, and then this morning he comes clean about one of his paychecks and the fact he bought a tool with the money he is a mechanic and he did not want to tell me because he did not want to argue.
As I listened to him this morning I thought that maybe he is trying to change maybe he is trying to do the right thing, I had to snap myself out of it and realize that there must be something he wants from me besides my money if he took time out to talk to me about it.
So my question is do they ever mean what they say? Do they ever have the ability to be honest?
The reason I mention intimacy is because he talks to me about relationship issues and says he wants me to stay, and blames recieving no affection as a child as the reason that after ten years he shows me none. And I do mean none, then talks about us working together to get the bills paid and keep the house running.
His birthday is coming up and he asked me where I want to go and I did not tell me becuase I do not want to be disappointed, I told him to decide.
So I sit and wonder am I crazy? I know he watches porn and I know he lies about his paychecks and I know that he has NPD, and yet he puts on facade of caring about us as a couple, and does a convincing job of swtiching stuff around to seem like if I change my way of thinking we can get along.
It is like living in a crazy house with no padding on the walls, I never know when or what is happening and I feel like I am living with a roommate, I try to stay focused on what I am dealing with but everything changes so fast, one day no church the next he wants to go all the time, one day he acts like he cares and the next we barely talk.
Can someone please give me advice on this, and some motivational words to stay strong, I am not able to leave the house very often and his controlling behavior would have him tagging along. I have been told to make a quiet exit for safety but it seems like it is very far away.
He's at it again, huh? I'm so sorry. He just never lets up does he?
Yes, NPDs can tell the truth. They aren't compulsive liars to the point they have to lie. The problem is they will only tell the truth if it is every bit as good as the lie they would need to manipulate you.
Your H probably is stressed out about the seperate accounts and about how much you may or may not have. This is probably true. What he left of is the fact that he's stressed about it because he wants to spend it, or at least know how much more of his money he can spend because you have more that can be used for necessary bills. It isn't because you aren't acting like a couple or 'in it together', it's because he wants more and you won't tell him what you have.
All the things you know about him, his gambling, the porn, the lying, and he wants you to change your way of thinking? That's classic.
You are not crazy. You don't need to change how you think. He wants you to, and he's probably right that if you did the two of you would get along. The problem is he wants you to change into what he wants - someone that accepts cruelty, lies, and self-defeatism. That's not you obviously. He wants someone that will think HIS way is the best way, all the time. It isn't. His way is skewed and cold.
I think the best way to get away is to make an exit. Quiet may be better, but any exit is fine.
Your H seems to have a severe case of NPD. I've read about various degrees of the disorder. I'm not an expert, but yours seems to be very warped and empty. I'm so sad for you because until you can leave you'll be subject to his fits of rage and cruelty. And now to have his son there, adding more of the problem to your home is only adding to the misery. Your H now has a partner.
I sincerely hope you find a way out soon. Your kids, though young adults, shouldn't be around this. We all learn from the people around us regardless of our age. They're watching their mother turn into a shell of a person and seeing someone be cold and cruel on a whim. It's completely heartbreaking to think of it really.
That's what these people do - they make us question ourselves. That's the best manipulation game in town. If they can make us unsure of ourselves, we're ripe for the picking.
Here's a little trick I've learned that may help you. When the mind games start and he starts going off on one of his long winded speeches about how he's right and why he's right and why you're wrong and blah blah blah, start making a list of groceries you need to pick up in your head. Look him straight in the eye as if you're listening, but just think "eggs, milk, cereal, toilet paper, etc". This way I don't absorb any of what he's saying. After all, they never want a response back unless it's "you're right", so you don't need to listen to his bullshit. You don't need to spend time processing it.
This actually helps me in two ways:
First, I don't take in all that crap that's being heaped on me.
Second, it reinforces to me that I am in charge of me, not him. I don't have to accept what he says. Hell, I don't have to listen to it at all.
Again, you aren't crazy. You're fighting with every brain cell you have to stay normal.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I continue to hold on to all th ethings I am grateful for and that my children are doing great in college and in life.
I still just cannot believe that after everything he has done he gave that speech this morning and almost sounded convincing.
So today to keep busy and not let him get to me I decided to clean the house, to make a better place to be for me. I thought that maybe if I clean it up being here with him would be tolerable.