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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support.
It may seem like it's fast, but WH has been away for 3 months. The kids really miss him.

Nofun: I saw all kinds of red flags. I really was ready to break up with WH before we got married, but so much was in motion (buying a house, etc), and many more things, and as you said, I was "in love".
I think that since we ignored all the red flags, and even the ones in the M that were signaling infidelity, or detachment, we ignored it, or rationalized it because of several reasons: we loved our spouse so much we blindly trusted them; we didn't want to face the reason for the red flags, etc.

I remember with my xWH, who was a "controlled alcoholic" that I was afraid to really confront him with his behavior, because if I did he would choose to leave. I think I just prolonged the inevitable, he left anyway.

Allgood: thank you for your support. There is a new reality now, and I have to deal with it. WH thinks that "everything is fine", he is such an ass. He's pretending too, I guess.

You are right, I have to really start stashing money away. DS 15 has been saving change for the past 6 months, and it amounted to $300!!!! LOL, I should learn from the kids. I have been in a habit since forever to try to be careful with money, saving WH money, and look where he spent it!!!!!

Another thing for the list that IC wants me to write.

Miracle, you are right about forgiveness. But at this point in time, and the way I am, if I forgive him in my heart, I am really setting myself up for more "abuse". I always give other people an excuse for their wrongful behavior. "He yelled and said mean things to me because he's so stressed out", "My mother is putting me down because she is scared"
This is ok to a degree, but I've allowed them to make me a doormat and punching bag because I am so understanding.

Boundaries are needed. I have to heal myself a little further before I can even think about forgiveness. I just know that if I try to forgive WH, I'll end up putting all the blame on me.
Typical abuse victim's response, I guess.

{{{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i think for now you need to put it all into steps...forgiveness comes at the end of this journey, first you must detach yourself from him...and while he is still in your life as a husband this is a difficult task to say the least..and this i am living so i can definitely attest to this one...but i am getting there slowly....and you can too....for me my anger stops the detachment, the anger has control and i do not, for you i don't think you even hit that anger stage, and you cannot avoid it, you cannot go around it, you must really go through it.....for you i think you are still in the total disbelief stage and are just so overwhelmed with all that you feel, and honest i cannot fault you for this one bit...you will hit that stage when you are ready, you have had so much to absorb with it all...now the question for you is when will you make yourself ready.....at this point you are helping him by beating yourself up instead of taking care of yourself on the inside....you know the steps you need to take...and yes they are hard, but they are necessary and once taken you will be able to move forward in this damned journey we are all making together...remember that too, you are not alone, look at the number of people just at this site, most of us on this road together....where do you want this road for you to end...try looking towards the future, a good future, a future in which you feel at peace with yourself and your life.....

we are here for you...

take another step today and write down one thing that makes you angry, and add to it every day...one at a time, baby steps...


((((honest))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, like you, I don't take pride in the fact that I've taken my H back. It makes me feel weak at best, and foolish & gullible, at worst.

I go with Miracle's probation. You feel weak, foolish, gullible because he hasn't earned it yet. But you're not because you haven't actually taken him back; you're giving him a chance to earn to be back. So, remember he's on probation and that will help with that feeling.

PRIDE is one of the seven deadly sins.

Honest
I've always felt like my WH is the right man. I just think he's messed up and not dealing well. I think the fact that you don't feel like that will give you strength as you move forward.

Miracle -- you're right about not giving away more power; that's important, very important.

I really knew I've come a long way when I was talking to my IC about what it is that is bothering me and I realized that I'm concerned with the present not the past. That's a good way to know you're not letting it have power over you.

After September 11th, and even on September 11th, a lot of my friends were freaking out, and I refused to be scared. And I calmed everyone else down by pointing out that they're TERRORISTS and if we get SCARED they WIN. Screw that. The only way we win is by going on with life and living the best life possible.

And infidelity is just like a terrorist attack, at least it is to me. I was on my way to work, and turned the corner, and boom! big giant fireball busting out of the Pentagon! Was I surprised? Heck yeah. I hadn't had the news on that morning and had no idea about the twin towers. And do you know the Pentagon is a target and might get bombed someday? Well, sure, but you don't expect to ACTUALLY see it happen.

But what did I do? Well, after a sleepless night hearing the F-16's flying all over the place and choking from the nasty smoke, I got my 5 month pregnant self up the next morning, and went to work, just like my boss, the President, asked us to and I sat in my campfire-smelling smoky nasty office with all my other coworkers who'd also gotten up and hauled themselves to work and we did our jobs. Because that's what you do. Life goes on.

And our lives go on now too. OW ratted my WH out, and I got my (again) 5 months pregnant self up the next morning and took my kids to school and did my best to work.

Life goes on. It just does. You have to pick HOW your life goes on.

There is a beautiful monument now on the hillside that faces the part of the Pentagon that was blown up. The Air Force Memorial. It's like 3 shining sliver contrails rising into the air and at night they light it up beautifully. I drive by it often and it's beautiful and hopeful. It's so perfect for the space it's in.

So, the Pentagon is "healed" and something gorgeous was built nearby. You will all be healed and new beauty will come into your lives as well.

Interestingly enough, the Air Force Memorial was dedicated Oct. 14th, 2006 -- just slightly more than FIVE YEARS after September 11th.

And now y'all kind of know where I live.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can we see your house in that beautiful picture in the background??? ...


seriously m3, i love the whole analogy, and am trying to live it....

i never saw that memorial before, it really is beautiful....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks!

I'm glad you liked it. I'm always surprised when I come up with something good.

And I'm going to say my picture is better than tryn's heroin needle thingy. that has been giving me nightmares. seriously.

no more about where my house is. I don't need the baby snatchers coming now that the cat's out of the bag on how cute baby paddy is!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized that phrase "the best life possible" is what OW said to me. "I wish you and WH all of the best and have the best life possible."

I guess it's not all that weird that I used the same phrase my "friend" of 6 years used -- but it just struck me all of a sudden.

Sadly, if she really wished WH and I all of the best, she'd never have been with him in the A. I know I've sat with men I cared about and sent them home to their wives more than once. Because if you genuinely care about a man -- that's what you do. You stop him when he starts hitting on you and you say "this is not what you want. this is not the person you want to be. go home. talk to your wife. get some counseling. try to work it out. then, no matter what happens, you can look yourself in the mirror each morning knowing you did everything you could do and you did it the right way." That's what you do! I've done it at least 4 or 5 times! And when you care about someone from your past -- you leave them in your past!

Tomorrow is my ex-husband's birthday. and the 12th anniversary of the day we buried his dad, who I was very close to. I get all emotional this time of year, and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. It sucks.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have us m3, you have us...

and why she did what she did, you answered your own question,she didn't really care about his welfare, only herself, and even there she failed herself as well...she is not genuine, she is completely superficial...

(((m3)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. Did I read that right. You sent pms to fnf, allgood, Honest, fun, & njgal? You can actually pass pms around? This sounds pretty scary to me. Us men are in more trouble than I thought.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops....the power of the " ' "....


[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 4:08 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well today just plain sucked.

This morning WW told me she (not us, she)is going to her parentís Anniversary party, and that she is uncomfortable saying anything to her uncle about not coming, or asking if BIL is coming. Triggers all over taking DS18 to college in the town where we used to live, where WW met OM for weekends, where we lived for 11 years with her apparently hating me (and herself). I got home, and she arrived later with DS14 and avoided me, left if I sat down, back to me if I spoke.

She was working out in the yard after supper. I asked if she wanted to set up our room, I could work on her back and we could talk. She blew me off. I left to go see a movie (The Expendables Rocks!). While I was in the movie she texted that she had a bad IC session, could not talk to me and did not want to be comforted. Hmmm

I am taking care of me, we will see where this is headed.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh ats, i am so sorry...why are they such idiots...

i wish i had words for you, not doing too well myself...

(((((ats)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what's up iwam?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just feeling....i wish i could turn it off, right now i just feel the pain...

the mind never stops, you kwim....

just having a bit of an issue turning it down or off....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, unfortunately a friend told me not to use alcohol for that, so I am left with a cookie and milk.

It has to be very painful in your situattion.

((iwam))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, unfortunately a friend told me not to use alcohol for that, so I am left with a cookie and milk.

thanks for the smile, i needed that....i cheated a bit and took a xanax...actually i take a half...of the lowest dosage...i get drunk easy too...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will have to chew an Ambien to sleep. I am pissed. How are we healing and R-ing, if she cannot talk to me? I am fighting off the urge to scream at her to just f#cking stay with her parents, uncle and bil, don't bother to come back.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

except that you know that you don't mean it...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you know, I am not sure. Everytime it gets hard, I get shut out. She actually used the phrase that I "need to resepct her space". She was weeding in the yard and asked if she wanted a massage.

With apologies to Tryn, how am I supposed to forgive and move on, when I am still not an intimate part of her life? I am just another problem to deal with.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I need to abuse her like they did so she will worry about my feeling too, like she does their's?

I know the answer, it just feels so unfair.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i get the feeling that when she withdraws its because she is trying to regroup....unfortunately it also ends up shutting you out...and i think when she does this, she puts herself into a zone, and noone gets through...almost like she either wants to punish herself or numb what she feels......

if you make it past all this bullshit i would think the next time you 2 have one of your talks, you ask her what it is that you could say or do, so that she might open up to you and so you do not feel rejected once again...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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