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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The emotion has bled out of both of us, helped with Xanax. She does not know if she wants to be married. I am a good guy, but she feels no passion, no attraction, has not for a long time. With her temper calmed she admits she is not good at relationships. I kept asking for a reason we should stay together, there was not one that involved us as a couple. She said tonight she did not feel she deserved me. She does have very deep issues, she would not argue that when she is calm.

I thought we had so much in common, but our core values are different. She is the grasshopper, I am the ant. She thinks childhood should be fun and carefree, I think it is a time to build seflconfidence and self-reliance. She knows it is wrong, but still says she wants someone to make her happy. She knows that is not right thinking, but that is still how she feels.

I asked if she were my C what would she tell me, she had no answer. I asked why we should stay together, she said I am a nice guy. She says she would like to love me and have an emotional commitment, but does not know if she can.

I do not think that she can fix herself while she is still involved with me and keeps falling back to trying to please me at the expense of her feelings.

A couple of times she pointed out it has been almost a year, and I need to commit to look ahead and move forward. I just can't say I am there yet. In her mind her A were wrong, but they were her taking care of her needs the best way she could. She will say they were wrong, but she really is not apologetic, because in her mind they were her only choice.

I wanted desperately for her to throw me a bone for hope in the future, that she wants me. She was honest at least, she can't do that.

I loved the fake her that hid her feelings and tried to make me happy, all the while building up resentment.

When there is stress in the relationship we react as opposites. She withdraws to feel safe, I need to have physical contact to feel safe. We are not able to soothe each other. The MC (and books) say when things are tense to give a hug and say it will be OK, she pulls back from the hug.

We both were tryig to reconnect, but couldn't do it. We have not been able to for a few weeks now. I really think the IC has scared her, she thought she was done with all of these issues a long time ago. She is disgusted at how needy she now sees she has been all of our M.

For most couples there seems to be a past love they try to recapture, I have come along way on this, but she never felt the love from a few months after we were married from what she says.

Add to this the damage her trip is going to do over the next month if I wass still tryig to R, the stress of dday anniversary, it will be more months and I will still not be over it.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:12 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS had to hear me yell about her involvement with bil. He had to hear her threaten to call the police.

She is post menopausal, so not pms. She tales Wellbutrin, has for 10+ years. She has alwyas? been chronically depressed.

The withdrawl of sex (important to me) began almost as soon as we were married. I felt rejected, she felt unloved, it formed a death spiral of reactions. I do not think she has ever had sex because she loved someone, she did it because it was expected.

She asked if I could help with a work cookout tomorrow, if I would go with her to an event her former bil is putting on. I just want a clean break. If it is over, lets end it. It will be too painfull to go have fun with her, but than not have a relationship.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I'm sorry about DS hearing your argument. You do need to have a long talk with him and perhaps he might want to see a C. I am sure there has been plenty of tension in the house, and since DS 18 left for college, DS14 might be feeling very alone.

From what I am reading, it seems like WW is finally seeing the depth and breath of the job ahead for her to deal with her issues.

Ats, right now I think it best to take it one day at a time FOR NOW. Go with WW to these functions, you don't have to pretend, but I am seeing something quite positive:

YOU TWO ARE RESPECTING EACH OTHER

No matter what happens in the future, whether you continue to R or D, keep that respect and try to be kind to one another. You may be realizing that you both have tried, and I think WW is/was trying to the best of HER ability, perhaps it is not enough, but she tried, and you gave it 200% and she knows it.
Perhaps, perhaps this is the turning point for you , Ats, that perhaps you might be able to forgive her because she is so messed up, and it wasn't done TO you KWIM? It still hurts like hell, I know, but I guess knowing in your heart that she knows and you know it wasn't YOU, but HER problems....you may be able to forgive and set yourself free.

Take some time to stay calm.

Just be gentle and kind to one another right now, just that. Don't expect anything more right now.

You are in my prayers.

{{{{Ats}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought, perhaps WW should be trying a different AD, since Wellbutrin, is a mild AD?

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Ats))))))
Just sending out some Hugs to you. Your WW obviously has very deeply rooted issues and her depression may be overwhelming her right now and her judgment. I'd give it some time......but only YOU know where YOUR bottom line is and what your dealbreaker is. And we're here for you whether you slug it out or get out
Hang in there.
Hugs to all the tribe,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, after our talk, and her asking me to hellp with and attend events, I found emails she sent earlier this evening claiming I threatened her with a glass before I threw it against the wall (I did throw it, but away from her), I was out of control, unreasonable, she is afraid for her safety, questons my emotional stabilty, I am a monster. Another refers to me as a violent lunatic??

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:36 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I am so sorry that your struggle continues so intensely.
I have to admit, after skimming the 1st few entries - I went right to the last entry on the last page to find out what happened 1st so I could relax & go back & read the rest. (I did this with the final Harry Potter book too -lol).

Of the issues involved, I feel the most helpful with the legal ones, so I will start there.

Your wife was scared. Should you find yourself getting this angry again, I would recommend that you just leave the house and either go for a walk until you calm down (I've left my house at midnight & walked around the block in my pjs.) or stay at a hotel for the night.
You won't be thinking clearly when it happens, so try to pick something now about how you react when angry, like if you find yourself fighting the urge to throw something, etc., and when that happens, let that be your trigger to leave.


She will say they were wrong, but she really is not apologetic, because in her mind they were her only choice

My H has said that this is sort of what he was telling himself while the A was ongoing. Justification. He apologizes now tho.

So, Ats - what are you feeling this morning?

As for me - it was not my intention to set up a situation that would make my H jealous. I was invited to this event & I just thought of the other guy because he lived in the same town as the venue & was friends with the guy in the band. It was only afterwards that I realized the potential that it would make my H jealous. I was actually quite nervous about it at that point.
In any event, they hit it off great & there was no flirty behavior from the guy. We all had a great time.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:21 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, Ats - what are you feeling this morning?

numb, with bouts of sobbing

I just cannot believe it is over, but there is just nothing there. A few weeks ago we had a night where we held, massaged each other witl oils and candles. I felt like all was right in the world, and nothing could ever go wrong. I asked her about that, what she felt. She said it was nice, she enjoyed it, but nothing more.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep… ast.. you are walking the path I’ve walked… Yep all the same exact things.. you certainly are in the anger stage, full force. You own your W an apology. Ast, you are going to have to either pardon, let it go, focus on doing things that healthy m is about or not. As I have said before, our spouses must put up with the crap we do… Some can, some cannot. Now it is up to your W to know that all you did was out of a deep sense of loss, pain, disappointment.. all those things. Your child will recover from this… and learn something along the way.. as did my beautiful daughter I sent off to school yesterday.

See ast.. I know your pain right now and your fight.. As I’ve said, it takes great brain strength. I didn’t have it a year out either. I drew this image for you and I meant it very literally… can you imagine what a man must do to cut off his arm in order to live?

If you are going to R, you are going to live without that arm the rest of your life. It’s not that hard after some time.. IF, you keep positive about things, follow the communication of just feelings.. let a few things go.. your W can heal too. Life ain’t perfect. Pick yourself up and forge on brother…

And this too.. You will be fine should you or your W decide to D. You can fight your way out of being “underwater” with time. I’ve told my son and daughter that if I lost my job, they would have to get loans to attend college. You can ask your W to leave the house, and you get a roommate to help with cost… Florida homes are going to make a comeback. If you have a car note or lease, you can sell that off and buy something less expensive…You can cut back on insurance. You can start trying to be more healthy so that you won’t face sickness..no heavy drinking and be careful not to have accidents. You don’t need cable tv. You don’t need a hard wire telephone line.. use your cell. You can ask you kids to do without unless they go get a job. They will understand and learn something.. You can get a weekend part time job. Use every penny of that to pay off credit cards..then start hitting that mortgage. your W will have to take half the debt.. let her file bankrupt.. you negotiate with the credit card folks... expain your sich... ask for help... See… YOU will be fine and when you are single it is easier to make things happen…

You gotta start making yourself happy.

You cannot change what's happened.. you can only control yourself...

Peace brother.. and be kind to your W.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:55 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - do you REALLY think it's not salvagable?

I know I can get so worked up that I want to end it. I can feel like that for a number of days & then it stops.

Like you said, you guys were getting on so well just a few weeks ago. (BTW - I would totally discount anything she said that minimized how she felt on "massage night". It's probably not accurate. If she's hurt, angry, etc. she's probably not able or willing to share anything positive with you.)

Maybe you should try re-reading some of your older posts - when you guys were doing better & try to piece together what has changed or otherwise just remind yourself of what the 2 of you are capable of.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:23 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: evil eye...let me know if it works, i don't know how but it is really weird, i didn't see your post until today when i was skimming..its like it wasn't there yesterday but suddenly today it is...i wonder, did someone look at me with an evil eye so i couldn't see...

ats: reading your posts and all i could see is your wife as little girl and more so sending out tests for you so she could see if you really do love her...i don't know why i see that but i do....almost like, here take this that and the other thing....see what you can do with it now....i feel as though she is split into t 2 people one is on self-destruct and the other is the little girl who wants so badly to be loved....and it seems as though they are both in play here, fighting within herself....idk if i am making any sense...it is just the impression i am getting...


ats: take each issue as it arises on its own and make each choice one at a time, pull it apart and see which choice will give you the least regret...unfortunately all the choices you make at this point might be filled with some regret, when dealing with issues this big some regret might just have to exist, but the path of the least regret is the path that will serve you best...

i am so sorry for your pain ats...


(((ats))))


o.k. allgood, i understand now, i am glad you didn't try to set up a sich where you could make him jealous...

the little devil in me though kind of wishes that all of us should have some benign sich's just happen to make them all look at what they are either losing, or fighting for....

a little jealousy...whats that expression..everything in moderation...

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks iwam,

The path with least pain for me is to separate and D. We talked last night she does not know if she wants to be married, does not know if she can really ever love me or anyone. She ahs not aggessively engaged is IC, she has done some because that is what she thought I expected and would make her happy. This morning whan she caught me crying she said she would go to more MC if that is what I wanted. I told her I wanted to hear her say that she wants to do MC and that she wants to make things work. She said nothing to that and walked away.

Maybe after we D, she will be able to work out her issues. She may learn to say what she wants and needs, not what she thinks I or anyone wants to hear. She says she just thinks she is not good at relationships with adults.

She says she is finally speaking the truth, and this is what she told IC, she does not know if she wants to be M, she does not live me and does not know if she ever will, she cannot live with me bringing up her A.

I told her I was in this for R because I have always loved her. She does not doubt that, but cannot say that she can ever feel the same for me. I do think we got what we wanted after dday. A better understanding of each other as people. I am well on my way to healed fromo the A, but there is just so much other accumulated hurt on her side that for her it is not getting better. She told me she has no passion for anything, and it has been like this for a long time, amybe over 10 years. She has no intrest in sex, she only did it with me out of sense of obligation or to amke me happy, just like she did OM.

I have Dr. Appt this afternoon for my own Xanac perscription, or maybe back to Lexappro for a while. IC called last night and I missed it, but will call again today. He has a colleague who specializes in kids so we will get DS in in the next few weeks.

i am calling my irlk support peole, all the ones who tired oh hearing about the A crap, but so far have been supportive and will to listen. I feel sorry for W in that she really hos no one.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ats))

You will be in my thoughts.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle. I think you're right. I do have the gift. I'm kind of freaking out right now. I woke up in the middle of the night, about 1 am, and I thought about ATS and his situation and thought I needed to check SI, but I never check it from home so I didn't.

And then I had this weird dream about how Kenny Rogers was my boyfriend and he and I were hanging out with Reba McEntire waiting for Jeff Goldblum so we could rehearse some songs for a new movie we were all in. But I digress.

Edited:

ATS -- I spent so much time writing this post that you posted while I was writing. So I'm just changing it to give you a ((hug)).

I really don't know what else to say. I think if your wife ever really works her issues out, she will probably discover she does love you. But maybe not. Just make your son your first priority now, him and yourself.

And don't run away from LTA just because you're going to D. Miracle isn't in R...

[This message edited by m334455 at 9:37 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

The path with least pain for me


a big no here....take the path of least regret...not pain..2 totally different enitities my friend...sometimes we need to go through the pain to get to the other side...and sometimes the path of least regret will be filled with more pain in the shortrun but greater happiness in the longrun...

least regret, not least pain....rethink it...


honest: a

w_a_l
is short for wincing at light, another male member here at si...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle is spot on again. Pain and regret are different things.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 i had visions of jeff goldblum from the movie "the fly", needless to say it wasn't very pretty..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this.. my first year post dday, I thought I was set to Divorce maybe 3 or 4 times.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paper Rose...
This was my vision of you...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/44718929@N07/4910715196/

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:59 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant.. this was Inflydelity


I think I'd better fly...

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:03 AM, August 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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