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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are smart things you're saying ATS.

When i checked out with old IC -- she said something very smart. She mentioned that WH has been very passive and its pretty clear at this point there is no danger he's going to divorce me. He said he never considered divorcing me and I think that's probably true. So, she pointed out that in a way I have all the time in the world for this decision. And I think you're in the same place. I know your WW has been divorced -- but I just don't see her springing you with papers. I could be wrong, and you want to plan for that, but at the end of the day I think it's both healthy and reasonable to let go of this self-imposed pressure. ok? it's a long term marriage, a long term affair -- the only thing that might be different is that the A might be over. do you need to make progress? yes. at a pace that is acceptable to you? yes. Is it an emergency? not at all.

I've been divorced, and all I can say is when it is time for a person to get a divorce, they are usually 100% sure. so don't obsess about it. you'll know the time is right if it comes to that. and obsession about it makes things worse. because it gets you down.

weird pep talk -- but it's intended as one.

dip -- I don't want to anyone ...

fnf -- hi! haven't had much responses to you lately, but just because everything you say is so smart and I agree with (almost) all of it.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33 - geez - you made me blush and I thought I was too old for that but thank you for your post.
I just want to add that I think we have a lot of great people on here with lots of amazing wisdom (yourself included of course) and I have always been so grateful for the support and friendship of each and every one on here but most of all for the willingness of everyone here to share such personal stories. I honestly don't know how I ever would have "survived infidelity" without you all.
Hugs to the tribe!!!!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455,

When WW and I talked about the D that she does not remember and I do , she was pretty clear that I would have to do all the work. She does not want to leave me, she just at times does not want to have to face the realities, is frustrated, or is very frightened of some of the emotion I now exhibit.

Thank you for the pep talk. A fault of mine is I often would rather do the wrong thing and be done with it than to have patience for the right thing.

Ends up WW was busy all morning with a management consultant she hired in at her work to help develop procedures. She started describing the advice from the consultant about communication, fixing problems with employees, establishing boundaries and expectations, and the need for people at work to own their crap. That she can set expectations for employees, but she cannot make them do the right thing. I made an offhand remark “that all sounds familiar”. She said, “I know, it is just like me and the A stuff” and launched in to how her work, her life, the recovery from the A and us were all coming together and parts of the same ideas. She seemed very happy and excited.

old_dipstick, I had not considered it before, but it makes sense that she projects her complexity on to me. I do see her projecting on to others, I just never noticed it relative to me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28…No doubt about it… infidelity is a global phenomenon. People cheat… In Afghanistan you get stoned to death… Here, we just get stoned cold drunk.. lol…

“Do you think I should out her??” I would not tell… sometimes, time just heals a person. I’m sure that is something she regrets in life, relationship with a married man is nothing to be proud about... I’m sure your H gave her all kinds of crap about not being wanted.. blah blah blah….If she hasn’t changed, then the ole karma bus will run her over… it just happens.

“Maybe I'm screwed up too for wanting to stay with him.”… Why are you screwed up? I’m 100% sure the greatest act of love after infidelity is to allow a spouse a second chance… You are not screwed up… you have made a choice to continue to love. It’s 100% your decision. Be proud you are the kind of person that can make that choice. Not many can forgive over something like this..

“I just can't imagine a life without him”… so, close your eyes and imagine… you need to be yourself before you can become “one” in marriage. Do you understand what I am saying? You must overcome all fear IMO to have a healthy R…

“I doubt I'll ever trust him again”.. This is your choice… Trust is a choice. Once you make that choice, then you will allow him to.. move around without a GPS, you will not listen in on his conversation.. you will give him trust.. you likely have “feelings” you associate to “trust”.. feelings like scared, afraid, fear, he will not tell you about an his A relationship… Sometimes I feel a desire, mood, to check my W’s phone records.. I think long conversations is a “given” during A’s.. I’ve asked my W please never be afraid to tell me if she needs someone else… just please don’t hide what you need… I can trust today.

Laura28.. you are in the beginning of grieving. For a long time now, you have been controlled by your H by his making you believe a false reality…. And abused by him placing you at risk of deadly diseases like HIV by having sex with OW... To find all this out after promises made to God, you, and your family were broken is pretty hard to deal with.. It will take some time.

You being from Australia reminds me of Missy Higgins.. She can touch my soul… I was not that much into music before my dday… I have changed so much these past 2 years.. It took my W 11 months to come back to me…it took a program called Retrouville here in the US to do it..… Missy song title, Where I Stood, could have been my W singing to me before she decided our M could survive...

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:47 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. Your W does not want a D... that's why she is not remembering...
I also believe m3.. you know 100% when you are ready for D.

Why do you oppose my suggestion of never bringing up the A to her again? Ask you IC about that? Why not work on the relationship now?

Make this boundary for yourself.. I forgive and forgiveness is me making a decision and choice never to throw my W’s mistake in her face… I am making the choice never to bring up the A again… to the best of ability my brain has… See what you IC says about that… Ask your W to please never threaten to end the M again unless she is 100%... Saying that makes me feel Like.. ??? (crying, angry, spiteful, doubtful… )

btw.. I just closed the checking account I opened when I was planning to D last year...

Last night

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:32 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you oppose my suggestion of never bringing up the A to her again?

Because up until this last weekend I was not ready.

I may be ready, but I am waiting until after this trip she jerked me around on, and after the 1 year A of dday. Both are coming up in 4 weeks, and I anticipate being a bit pissy (from what I read). I am over the A (I am pretty sure), but why say that and set myself up for failure if we are set to have a bunch of A related stuff come up in the next few weeks?

I at least want to get through IC tomorrow.

I am sensing that our knock down and drag out last Thursday was a turning point for WW and I. I lost my fear, she realizes I am no longer afraid to be alone.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - once again I found internet access & I'm sneakin on SI like an addict.

I will tryto catch up - but just wanted to let you know I was ok.
The ride here was tense & I was definitely cold & distant. My H's best effort was to touch my leg.
Upon arrival, I kept myself busy & the triggers were not bad at all. I was surprised.
The 1st night tho I swore I heard my H in the bathroom talking quietly on his phone & my heart was pounding.
I think I made a mistake tho - but the damage was done. We made up later tho.
Ok - got to go - catch up with you later.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its very difficult to love another person more than you love yourself

i disagree, i actually see way more people love their spouses way more then they love themselves...

the emotionally abused
the physically abused
the betrayed spouses who don't leave immediately


not to mention normal couples who get it right...when you get it right it actually flip flops back and forth depending on what life is throwing at the marriage or at the individuals...mothers do it all the time, as do most fathers...

loving another more then you love yourself is not a bad thing when you love yourself completely either, it means you have evolved to a level where you put loving (the verb) above loving yourself when needed...

that is what compassion is all about...at least i think so...


ats: waiting to see what she is going to do with this trip...well lets see, does she yet have the tools she needs to do the right thing in any circumstance....we already know she will probably screw this up...so be prepared and pray tell why didn't you put your foot down and tell her no, you go and you will set us back x amount a steps or you go and i go to the d lawyer...

remember you have taught her how to treat you...

opposing letting go of all a talk with a spouse...

tryn not everyone can do this, in fact for someone who is still being injured by it all it is downright impossible,,,,

the affair shit needs to be dealt with prior to letting it go with your partner...ats and mrs ats have yet to do all the work they need to do in this area...her going to an event where the bil is going to be is proof of that pudding...

the injuries need to stop coming long enough for the bandaids to be removed, and the scab to become nothing but a scar....


m3:

first a question, why isn't your ws in ic weekly?

second:

but I did it in WRITING

this is awesome...first off he probably doesn't feel as attacked, second, it gives him time to digest what it says and third you can sometimes write what you cannot speak,,,,sometimes its the opposite...for me i write better then i speak, i get to choose my words, or change them...when you speak once its out you cannot take it back...

i am glad you found a way to communicate that worked...

and i am glad that things are better between you

and why can't you get the car you want, why does he get the final say in that??

tryn: bravo for closing the cking acct

allgood: glad to hear that its going better then you expected...looking forward to more of the same when you get home...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. I have a gut feeling you might be ready. As for her wanting very badly to see and celebrate her parents 60th.. I cannot fault her for wanting to go. You could not stop me from wanting to go to something like that.

You might try and focus on communication with your W going forward... how to resolve a conflict. This is a great Retrouvaille Dialogue example… Let me use this as a sample…

First, you both must Decide that you are going to love each other…

Second, you write a Dialogue question and take about 10-30 minutes to think about it and answer it… In this case, it might be.. How do I feel about going to the 60th Anniversary?

It starts with both writing something positive about the subject in the form of a prayer or just comments…

Second you write down the answer to the question about how YOU feel.. if you put a I “think” in the answer.. that is not how you feel. Do not project what you think the other is feeling.

Ast… (since I have no idea how you feel about it.. the following might be Q’s for you to answer)
Are you scared she will begin another relationship with the uncle or BIL? Is it you hate for those men? do you feel rejected or injured just her being in close proximity to those men? How important on a scale of 1-10? Can you describe something that can compare that at some point in our lives we both have been through? Can we describe it in a the form of color, art or something like that?

Ms. Ast…(since I have no idea how Ms. Ast feels about it.. the following might be Q’s for you to answer) What do you think she feels about going? Suppose she will feel sorrowful by not going? Does she want to give them the gift of love affirmation by wanting to be there in person? How important on a scale of 1-10? Can you describe something that can compare that at some point in our lives we both have been through? Can we describe it in a the form of color, art or something like that?

Third… Now you let you spouse read yours and you read theirs…

Forth.. you discuss it feelings only… to make sure each knows exactly how you feel.

Fifth.. You decide what you do… This is the tricky part.. Compromise is a must… Understand.. and deciding to love at this point. This is where you will really get to know you spouse intimately… Are the choosing to love you… will they not forgive.. will the not give you affirmation.. will they give you safety… And this test your own brain power….

Sixth… Do the decision…

I’m telling you.. this shit works…

Iwant.. I know everyone cannot control the emotions in the brain not bring it up again. But everyone can try. and at some point in any R.. you must try..you must do it as part of forgiveness.. There is a time.. I say it's about at a year.. if all the truth is out.. I know that...

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:19 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G'day mates!!!
It is 7am here and I have to get ready for work soon. Thanks for all your advice.
I have held off telling OW1's husband as I am so unsure. I appreciate the advice from all - both those who said tell and those who said don't. I think I will continue to hold off for a while. Want to be sure its the right thing to do.

My biggest problem is that almost everything I know I found out myself. He hasn't given me any new information. This scares me as I can't help but wonder what else there is. Did he have other affairs?

Good thing is that the night in hospital the nurse OW2 wanted to talk about it. Very gulity. She said a lot of things which actually helped me and also many that hurt. She told me time line (3yrs EA followed by 5yrs PA). Said she chased him relentlessy. Said she told him sad story about her marriage (now separated and has been for yrs) and he felt sorry for her. Said "I was just a charity case". Told me he kept saying how wonderful I was the whole time they were together and said he never wanted to leave me. Said this made her feel terrible. Said he told her he loved her but she never really believed him - thought it was just to get sex - but wanted to believe. Said he rarely stayed more than an hour. Also said what a great lover he was - our sex life at the time was shitty. Said she was in love with him. Talked about him snoring but then said she woke him when he drifted off cause she knew he wanted to get home!! So lots of stuff that for me had ring of truth BECAUSE so much was hurtful but other parts were reassuring for me.

I'm just so unsure of him. Is the man I see now the one I've always had or a fake trying to cover his tracks? Does he really want me or to keep his comfortable lifestyle, home, reputation, the love of his kids (yes we have 2 - d24 and s20)? BTW I told the kids before confrontation because I was sure from way he talked on phone to OW3 that when confronted he would leave me. I wanted to warn them of what was coming.

I'm a strong person. Have had to cope with a lot of other grief in last few years and got through it. My beautiful intelligent son was diagnosed with a genetic illness in 2007. He has had surgery on both lungs because they both collapsed repeatedly(He has Marfan syndrome - potentially fatal). I think my daughter has it as well but is not yet diagnosed.

I had a cancer scare at beginning of 2008. My sister had double mastectomy on her 50th birthday (7th March 2008). My son developed depression, was given drugs and then became manic. My mother became very ill and then died on 21st May this year. Her funeral was 26th May and I began to suspect infidelity on 28th. Confirmed affair OW3 a week or so later and 2 others not long after that.

So I have survived all this and then heart attack 5 weeks ago. (Am now seeing specialist and on drugs). If I can survive these I tell myself I can survive anything.

Thanks for your support. Take care all. As I get to know you I hope I can support all of you too in some small way. At present I'm just consumed by my own issues.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey Laura...
Did he have other affairs?
You could offer him a chance to tell all.. I did this with my W. I asked her if this was it? ALL? Today is the day to tell me if I should know about more men? more Affairs? I was giving her a chance to come clean with me in her life.. clear her mind..

It worked... she told me about her first A way back in 1988. She swore to me that was all.. We did it on the phone while I was away on business at an airport..

I hope she has a clear conscience today..

and after the last post.. don't tell OW H... I think she "gets it" right now...

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:33 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.
It is hard to notice some of those things. You have to think like they do. Doing that is almost impossible. Let me see if I understand this. She does not remember the conversation about the D? If this is the case than your W and mine either are sisters or they suffer from the same illness. Example. Last night my W was in a good mood, but while she was cooking a few things went wrong. She got in a foul mood and things went down hill from there. She said some very hateful and things to me. Twenty minutes later she started acting like nothing was wrong. I asked her why she said all the hateful things to me, and told her what she had said. She says she does not remember being that way. Strange stuff. She has done this several times in the past. Maybe since she got away with the I do not remember stuff about the A, she thinks I do not remember will work for everything.

tryn. So last night was good. The double post you did yesterday must have helped bring you good luck. The double click is embarassing, but not as much as the prematurepostulation.

Laura.

It sounds like you have a full plate. So many here do. Life is tough enough without dealing with this A stuff. You will get much help here.

miracle. So did you like my word for cross posting? All you said was that it was a mouthfull.(btw, that is a phrase that I do not hear very often)

m3. I am that you are afraid to everyone. I think it is time for a Babby Paddy update. Please.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My biggest problem is that almost everything I know I found out myself. He hasn't given me any new information. This scares me as I can't help but wonder what else there is. Did he have other affairs?

Laura - I actually cried reading your post. I felt as though you were me!

I'm just so unsure of him. Is the man I see now the one I've always had or a fake trying to cover his tracks? Does he really want me or to keep his comfortable lifestyle, home, reputation, the love of his kids (yes we have 2 - d24 and s20)? BTW I told the kids before confrontation because I was sure from way he talked on phone to OW3 that when confronted he would leave me. I wanted to warn them of what was coming.

This is what I did and what I feel. I have a hard time expressing myself in writing but this hit a cord with me. I know this is horrible to say, but I feel as though I'm not alone in these feelings.

So sorry you are here and have to go through this BS.

Even though I don't post a lot, I read everyone's posts and it helps me a great deal.

Hugs to the tribe....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura....
I am so sorry that you have to become a member of our group! and so sorry for what you are going through right now!
I am certain that the stress and trauma of finding out about the infidelity had a lot to do with your heart attack!
I know how traumatic this is and there have been times when I thought I or my FWH would have a stroke!Stress is a killer so try to take care of yourself first and foremost!
Yayy for you for getting the VAR! I think that was a brilliant move... and definitely do NOT give away any of your sources...none...not even SI...don't talk about it...
since he's not on the computer you don't have to worry about a keylogger..but, if he should start communicating that way..do that..monitor his computer....
now that the truth is out..make sure that he is 100% transparent with you..he should give you complete access to all of his cell phone records both for work and personal,his credit card records..both personal and for work and his work computer passwords etc if he has one...
its great that you have a spy at work that is willing to help you!
I got a lot of info from friendly co-workers of my husbands after d-day...his MOW was also a co-worker....
but, the one thing I feel very strongly about is outting the affair to everyone! The truth will set you free and... will end the affair pronto!
so..tell every OW about the other OW...and tell the MOWs husband...I don't care how long ago the affair was ...he deserves to know..and besides they seem to still be very buddy buddy emailing phoning each other etc.
she may still be an occasional affair partner of his! so tell her husband!
and..if it does not hurt your husband..tell people at work!
In my case..outting the MOW to the boss at work has curtailed her extra curriculur activities significantly..she did not get fired or anything..but she was really getting completely out of hand at work... exposing her breasts to middle aged nerdy accountant types at work for example... and none of these guys reported her..they just sat there ...and watched this 50+ yr old office slut go at it!
well, like I said things have changed for her at work...
but, my husband no longer works with her..he left one month before d-day.
I never would have allowed him to stay there with her as a co-worker...never would have happened..bad economy or not he would have had to work from home on the computer or something....or I really would have marched into the bosses office and told him the whole story and probably would have gotten some action...
by the way, everyone at work was very sympathetic to me and horrified about MOWs actions...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok Laura28, now I believe you are form Australia

allgoodnames, glad things are not bad, glad to get some "junkie" posts from you.

Mrs. Ats and I stopped for a drink and snack while we waited for DS in band practice. A fun evening.

She does just say what is on her mind at the moment. She can appreciate how that can be confusing to me. She says she does not want a divorce, never has. When she is upset she wishes I was dead or we were divorced. I rate with the OM and her xH, and xBoss on that. Good thing she is not Anthony from the Twilight Zone.

pray tell why didn't you put your foot down and tell her no, you go and you will set us back x amount a steps

I told her how I feared it would be painful for both of us for her to go. IC told her she could go if she wanted to, and I agree. Her choice. I never intended, or could, prevent her from going. I just wanted to work out how it would be the least difficult. Rather than even talk to me about this trip in a meaningful way she made the arangements. Hopefully I am overly worried, if not then we will see. She will come back from a stressful weekend, to me having known she was with her bil (I know they are no longer texting or sex calling). The week she gets back will be our antiversary.

or you go and i go to the d lawyer...

I did. I have paperwork to identify accounts and property, information about DS, income, etc.

This trip may be the dealbreaker, it may show we are OK, or it amy be nothing. I just do not know. What I do know is she put what she wanted ahead of even talking to me about this.

DS just finished a school project. He seems to be happy at the new school. He says he is doing ok being (hisname) and not DS18's brother even though he is following in his older brother's footsteps there.

Raining again, time for a scotch on the lanai and off to bed. Since I have IC tomorrow am I get to sleep in some.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:16 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura..
I just read some more about all of your health struggles..so sorry...
I think it's a good thing that your children know about the infidelity..mine do also...
I think it is one more thing that may help you to trust him if you decide to reconcile...because now..if he were to do this again..he would be disappointing not just you but your children as well!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura, my heart goes out to you...you have had soo much to deal with...

first things first...your health...you must follow all dr's orders including a proper diet...

i think you should take some kind of meditation or yoga to help clear your mind..it will help with the stress levels for you which are off the charts right now...

i think asking your husband is a good start to finding out whether or not there are any others...as well as cell phone records...you can call the company and pull the records from as way back as possible for you to go through them...i warn you when they arrive, the records themselves can be overwhelming...i also went through all of my ws's stuff...i found alot...he still has yet to confirm things that i have found...which i know he never will...


oh and about what your ws wants...whether its really you or the life...i am betting its BOTH...

ats:


telling her that if she goes on the trip she will cause your progress in reconcilliation to go back __ steps...is the truth...its putting your foot down and still allowing her the choice of what she wants to do knowing the full consequences of her actions..

your words:

This trip may be the dealbreaker

dont you think you should tell her that this might be the possible outome of her trip

..jmo..

and i don t think she can verbalize anything to you right now...shes got lots of work to do before she can figure out what she wants...

paperwork in motion means nothing...you doing the actual detaching needed to let go is something...you making that decision final is something...

(((fun)))

dip: yes dip i like your word, i just don't think i can remember it!!


I've been divorced, and all I can say is when it is time for a person to get a divorce, they are usually 100% sure

i disagree with this one too...i am disagreeable lately aren't i...

way too many people jump the gun and wind up with regrets...not everyone is 100% sure....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I've read everyone's posts, and now I forget what I read!! I need to take notes!!!

I just wanted to share this, mostly for ats:

I went to IC today, and often when I am trying to recapture a hurtful conversation between myself and WH, I actually can't seem to remember what was said!!
I know that at the time of the conversation I was extremely hurt, and cried, but somehow, someway without realizing it, I buried it because it was so hurtful. I didn't remember it.

It also seems that WH doesn't seem to remember the hurtful things he has said, (nor my BPD mother)

The problem is as the author Stephen King has described once, that like the old time scribble boards, the ones that had a black backboard and a grey liner on top (with a clear plastic liner on top of that) that we "wrote" on with a "stylus" and then lifted the gray plastic layer and it was gone? BUT the black underlayer still had the marks.....like an internal scar....it's always there?

I hope I am not dating myself with the reference....

WH says very hurtful things, I want to die....but somehow, unless I really think about it, I don't readily remember it, unless I really focus on it.

Perhaps, Ats, your WW doesn't really remember saying about D, just spouting feeling that she felt at the moment?

As to loving someone more than yourself? Oh yeah, Been there, done that.

Had a long talk with IC about that today. I'm pretty good about holding boundaries with strangers, my students, children, acquantances, but when it comes to people I care about, it seems I somehow feel thier opinions of me are more important than my own.

I do/did love WH/xWH more than myself. Is this healthy? NO. but it is true for me at the moment and something I need to work on.

My whole point, through this long and tedious post is that, yes, I feel that WS can "forget" things. Yes, a BS can love WS more than they love themselves. I am not saying ALL BS's, but that it is a possibility.

For me, to understand the motives for a person doing something, leads to understanding. In the long run, it can help me not to take it so personally, which is what I tend to do, and possibly help them.

I am just realizing that WH NEVER committed to me at any time. NEVER. It hurts like hell, especially since I made the choice to commit to him and made so many sacrifices for our relationship.

This is what I'm trying to deal with. Resolving my ability to sacrifice myself for him, and WH just thinking of himself.

Thanks for listening to this long and rambling post.

It was my birthday today, and all the ds's were rather good at remembering.

{{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late happy birthday honesttoafault! I remember the writing pad you describe, a Magic Slate.

dont you think you should tell her that this might be the possible outome of her trip

iwam, I did. I told her that just before our big fight Thursday when she told me she already had the tickets. I told her I would not know a dealbreaker until after it occurred, but that I was worried that her going on this trip without discussing it with me, without mutual agreement as we had promised each other could be a dealbreaker. She launched in to how I could not tell her she could not go, and that the IC said it was her decision if she wanted to go. Then she said the things with bil were not that big a deal. That is when I lost it.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, August 25th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
ats
Ok Laura28, now I believe you are form Australia

In spite of all I'm trying to keep my sense of humour. Glad to see you are too.

Can't post much tonight. H is home - usually at work evenings. Hard to be on computer when he is. He doesn't know about SI and I don't want him to. May get a chance later tonight or tomorrow morning.

Best wishes to all. Hope you have a good day (think its morning where most of you are!)

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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