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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not tell her last night about my trigger. Initially I conflict avoided because she would not be happy that I triggered, she would not be happy that I thought of the OM. So I medicated, watched TV, played online euchre, smoked a couple cigarettes, made popcorn, eventually I fell asleep. DS's alarm clock from two rooms away awoke me at 5:30, so I went in to get him up (alarm clock is on nightstand next to his bed)

This morning I told her, I had a trigger last night. She asked what, I said it didn't matter, that she would not like it. She asked again, so I told her. She told me none of the OM was asked to feel if her uterus had shifted, so there was really no reason for me to have a trigger.

Now they all used lube with her, OM#2 kept t in the nightstand, OM#3 carried it in a bag to the hotel room, they hid a tube in a vase in his parents' house. I have been told how OM#3 at times gave her O's without using his hand or mouth, so I presume at times he used his hand, but I accept he never felt to see if her uterus shifted. The painful part is that it has been many years since I was familiar enough with her internal anatomy to have an opinion, which is what I realized last night.

She told me I should have talked to her last night. I told her that by the time (45 minutes later) I realized I needed to bring this to her rather than let it separate us, she had already gone to bed. We have a long history of her complaining that I bring these things up too late at night, but that is often the time available to me, the end of the day when all else is done. When I did come, she was sleeping and while she says I can wake her to talk anytime, she hates when I do that (she used to say the same about sex). She said she did not sleep, she was just lying on the bed in the dark room trying to sleep, but she was worried what I was feeling and where I was , so she did not sleep. Hello??!? How hard would it have been to stick her head out and see me making popcorn, online, playing with the dogs, whatever?

She slammed to the other extreme. She is sorry she asked me for anything, sorry she mentioned it, and she won’t again. She could not leave the house fast enough this morning. Once I got in I texted and told her I was sorry we had a bad morning, and that I hope it does not ruin our weekend. She texted back she is sorry for ruining the evening.

Take back your teritory ats. She's yours!!!

You know Laura28, I am not sure how much I want her. We did some HB for about 6 weeks a bit after dday, but since then sex has been 1 - 3 times a month, mostly her doing things to me. She doesn't feel aroused, she doesn't feel sexy (all the stuff she told me during the A's when she was able to find time once a month or more to meet with them). No she has an excuse, her uterus is dropped. I know this sounds insensitive, but I guess that is the end of that.

I get triggers from time to time and cany typically self soothe. This one was just so graphic and hits one of the areas where she is witholding information.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i said, tell him all you want, its time those people hold no power over me...

good for you iwam!


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well tribe, I hope everyone noticed that njgal said those magic words. She said "I agree with Dip." Njgal is so smart.....

njgal. I am sorry to read about your rough time while on vacation. Even without all this A crap, being "stuck" with someone day after day can put a person on edge. I wish these WSs would understand that we do not desire to feel this way. They put us on this ride, without our knowledge or concent. "Just get over it" is such bullshit.

ats. I do not know how you can arrange to meet with your BIL. I would prefer a surprise meeting if it was me. No time for him to get suspicious and plan any kind of action.

miracle. Honest saying she will pay for this for years is true. Even though her mother will use "just words" those words will hurt and cause pain to Honest. Dealing with this illness is not easy. The playing field is not level and they always change the rules. You don't really give them power, they just constantly try to grab the power from you. Yes, she/me should not take it personal, but as they keep pushing the buttons, it is hard to not take it personal. Just like our WSs A activities really had nothing to do with us but it is hard to not take it personal.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know how you can arrange to meet with your BIL. I would prefer a surprise meeting if it was me.

I looked while I was up last night. I can get a round trip to Detroit for about $200. They live about 2 hours from Detroit. I have a recently divorced friend I could stay with and catch up with in the area. The only pisser would be if he ended up being out of town (or meeting with a mistress ) while I was there. I would go during the week while my SIL would be at school teaching so I could try at home or his County office.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In exposing A's... After thinking about so these many different situations... laura, M3 and ast.. I do think time matters...

M3… Would you allow a child to be molested by a priest? Would you allow someone stealing money from you law office? Would you allow a murder to walk free? In your case, “What they don’t know does hurt” does apply. I’m 99% sure OW will not be able to get to the awakening in her M without exposure. Please think about OWH. THis is now and fresh.. not something that is history. He is living a controlled abusive marriage. He is suffering right now but does not realize why. How many more years do you want him to suffer? OWH's sex life sucks, he hears about how he is not dong the right things.. inconsiderate... on and on

ast…

I believe that FWW would throw me under the bus to preserve her relationship
… My view of this is that your W would be not be throwing YOU under the bus, but she will lie to “save face”… It's about her. The pain, ego lost that your W will face will be horrifying. Who wants to be known as a person that cheated on her sister and her H? I’m sure it must be a big release for your W to know her H already knows. She can see all the shit you’re throwing at her right now. Your W’s sister might have a boundary where she will divorce her H and maybe go NC with your W. Your W has made some pretty poor choices in life. Your W has not, nor may not, know a healthy boundary but I think she is working on herself. Your BIL is a F up too. He likely has cheated on his W with other women too. imo… You are one hell of a man. You are in a most difficult position anyone could be involved in… They need to know yet the extreme pain of siblings are involve.

My W’s first A was in 1988. I made a decision not to find nor tell 1st OMW.. I just thought too much time has passed.. 20 years. I just figured like my W, he may have cheated again by now and I think most people eventually get caught. And if not, maybe he’s now learned how to follow a boundary. I decided to leave it in God’s hand to decide his fate.

I like the man to man idea folks have been telling you about.. You can write him a m to m letter too. ast, You can make a decision to show some compassion toward your W. You don’t know what these other evil family members are doing…. keep your boundaries and do not associate yourself with uncles that molest children and that BIL cheating on his wive.. and his W sister at that! It’s ok to avoid them and live you own life without these people. Tell your W you won’t accept you children around these kinds of people.. It is up to your W to make a decision and figure out being around these folks aren't good for her. I think she knows it already but tries to put in this place until her parents die. All you can do is control yourself.. If you are ever confronted… It’s easy to say, “those family members have made decision in life that are not acceptable to me and I have made a decision to never be around them”… It is behind and beneath me.. and I look only at the now and future and doing the things that protect me… and that is, not to socialize or be around them. Then leave it at that… that is all you can do.

i guess these are my thoughts...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:14 AM, August 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrynHard, I like your approach. Why would I worry about "repairing" the relationship with bil, or the rest of them? My in-laws (FWW's parents) have never made an effort for me to be a part of their lives. Hell, they barely make an effort for FWW and her girls. They would not recognize our boys if they passed them on the street. MIL is a unrepentant drunk. FIL was too busy at work to fix his home problems. I would be shocked if both BIL and SIL have not been / are not involved in A's from my experience with BIL and from my discussions with SIL when she visits.

I do not need to fix this; I need to avoid it. I think NC with bil, sil, fil, mil could work fine. The only one I ever see is SIL when she comes to visit, and she and FWW usually stay in a hotel for the visit anyway.

Thanks, Tryn

I texted and called FWW and no answer. I called her receptionist who likes me and she tracked her down for me. FWW called back and mentioned that she had texted last night to invite someone to lunch today, but got a response "aren't you sweet". She commented this is the 2nd time someone had used that line to duck a lunch with her. I told her I had time and would love to meet for lunch (I took her lunch yesterday). She said to let her clean up and she would call me back. Twenty minutes later, she calls back, but she cannot go to lunch because a previous lunch commitment just popped up on her calendar. ??!?

My irl friends are starting to ask me how long I can stay with this before it becomes a problem for me, before I burn out. Those who know me best are starting to express concern for my long-term well-being. I tell them that after 20 years of f’d-up M, I am willing to put in a couple more, but I can tell that they are becoming concerned.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20 years of f’d-up M

sunk cost. means nothing. Cold, but true.

Would you continue to dump $ into a losing investment? Only if you're "dollar cost averaging" and putting your $ into something you're relatively certain will recover it's market value in the future. "buy low, sell high" so to speak.

If it's an investment that is just flat-out tanking, no way.

If you're NOT SURE - you hold your money until you've done the research.

This, is also called, on SI, "The 180".

JMHO


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455,

relatively certain will recover it's market value in the future

That's the kicker, isn't it? My real estate funds I am confident will eventually come back, and I continue to invest. Not so sure about FWW.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant...We should not Legislate morality? today's Indy Star headlines...

a Brownsburg man stood atop a Downtown parking garage, fired a couple of shots in the air and then fired one more into his head. He then fell eight stories to the street below.

Then, police discovered a letter and tape leading to the discovery of the man's wife. He had strangled her in their home, police said.

The facebook of the man that killed himself... The bad lawyers at the B and T law firm, particularly in the persons of #1, #2, and #3, do not respect the institution of marriage and corrupted my wife MJ (sex and drugs).

We have laws that protect us against rape, theft, etc...or even break a business contract, you face lawsuit... but theft of M commitment, that is OK. For a common man, if you know you face prison, do you cheat? Or do you work the problem out? or at lease leave before you cheat...

I know it won't happen but I wish we had laws that worked. We can pass laws to force healthcar... but not mental care?

It's sad the damage that can happen during the periods of hurt and mental pain.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:11 AM, August 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
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Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm leaving for vacaton on Sunday and won't be back until after Labor Day and all I can think about is njgal and being with H for all that time. We will be at our beach house and everytime I am there I trigger. It's not the place that makes me trigger, it's being with H 24/7...HE'S THE TRIGGER....

I have a question though...I have not brought up anything A related for awhile to H. There really isn't anything that I want to know, or anything I could ask that would possibly make me feel better. But I feel by me not bringing it up, does WH think I am over it? Hell I think about it on a daily basis. How do I or should I even bring the subject up? I also want to talk about US and our M but I don't even know where to start. Any suggestions?

Pray for me!!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun, I pray that you have somefun

FWIW, I am convinced my FWW things about and struggles with her A behavior and triggers everyday. I believe she is simply grateful for any day I do not bring it up, or even sound like I am bringing it up. I know she is not ovfer it, so I do not worry that she thinks I might be over it.

I would love to be over it.

I wonder about the discussion of A long-term. Is the goal, as Tryn seems to promote, to resolve it and push forward into the new life? Or is the goal for the relationship to reach a point where any topic can be discussed lovingly and rationally, no matter how painful?

Are there additional questions I need to have answered, probably not. We just go forward with this one topic we never touch upon?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... At some point, true you need to stop bring up the A.. It does not mean you cannot bring up feelings. Even if the are associated with his mistake in life. The new relationship will be free from fear, open, sharing... It starts with you. You making the choice to be open.. If you catch you H looking at some hot babe this week on the beach.. nothing wrong with saying.. when you Gawk at that half naked bleach blond bimbo.. It makes me feel like unsafe, undesirable, saddens me, and a slight bit of jealousy… See, describing feeling you have at that very moment in time are about today, a feeling may be related to past experiences but you don’t have to talk about that experience.. just tell him about the feeling. As for him "thinking" you are over it? It shouldn’t really matter. He needs to be loving you no matter what from now out. This will be what sets you free… How do you want to be loved is something you must tell him… It's about you and what you think about you! You are top notch hot woman. A woman capable of forgiving, not fearing, not afraid that even should your H decide he's moving on.. Good riddance. You can walk the beach and think about what you want to do in retirement… eat a crab cake! Please be happy for who you are today! A woman that can have feelings and shares them with your H.. all of them.. How do you want to be loved? Hubby, I want you to tell me how you feel about me every morning (Affirmation)… I want you to hold my hand a few times a week.. (Touch) I want you to give me the give of cooking for me a few times a week…(gifts) I want you to just sit and talk with me everyday (Quality time) I want you too.. You Fill in the blanks.. What exactly is he not doing to make you feel loved right now?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like there is some sort of tension going on between us. I feel like we are both walking on eggshells. I asked him to hug me the other night and he ignored me until I got angry and started crying, then he hugged me. By that time I didn't want him to touch me. Now if I said, come on let's have sex...he'd be all over me.

If I tell him what I want, I feel like he won't do it purposely because I asked him to do it and he has even said, I don't want to be told what to do...he gets very defensive. I feel stuck right now and I hate that feeling. It's just not a comfortable feeling.

I have tried hugging him more, kissing him more, asking how his day went, paying more attention to him in hopes that he will reciprocate. But he doesn't.

He is kinder, and he's become very protective of me. He does things for me(acts of service).

I'm just at a loss. He gets very uncomfortable talking about feelings....maybe I should just try the feelings route? I'm frustrated.

I am going to bring up Retrovaille while on vacation though.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... well, if you told him you needed a hug and he turns away after that, than that is a choice not to love you... We men just cannot share feelings. It's not what we have been trained to do.. When you asked your H to go to Retrou for you.. maybe you need to to tell him you have heard that sex is much better after folks have gone. That what I'm telling you... because it's true! Tell him this will make you both closer... it will not be easy but he will "get it" after the weekend.. then decide if you want to continue... but it will only work if you both go with the intention of effort!

Just have a good time on your vacation.. I would focus on fun, not talking too much about relationships.. don't fret over asking him to Retro.. If you do.. do it during sex...make it light... just have a good time... if triggers.. go grab his hand and give him a kiss... walk the beach on your own.. smell the fresh wind... You make this a good get away for you!

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:53 PM, August 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
lostsuol
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Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks tryn... your post is just what I need to hear... and save to re-read so I can take back my marriage, my self-esteem... my life as a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, and friend. I so want this and your post is better than anything I've heard from my IC!

{{{trynhard}}}

{{{nofun}}} have a 'true to yourself' week with your hubby. tryn's advice is good stuff!

{{{LTA tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun
My H also will not talk about feelings or his affairs. I think its because he knows it upsets me. I have cried and become angry often (but not always) in the past. I am sure he is still TT and I would like to try to get him out of that.

He has been very attentive but this has waned in the last few days.

He says he loves me but I heard him say that repeatedly to OW3 on VAR and sometimes I find it hard to believe.

We are going out together for the day tomorrow. To the beach, shopping and to dinner.
I am hoping that maybe I can engineer a situation where we are just lying on the grass near the beach (will take a blanket) and quietly ask him to tell me more about how he feels.

BUT I am really looking forward to the day together and worrying about spoiling it. Know I will probably get upset if he won't open up and worried I may if he does and I don't like what I hear.

Should I wait until evening when we are home. Maybe if we have a nice day he will feel safer to open up?

I have to be careful because he is working evenings and we only have 2 evenings together each week and I work days. His shift will change in a few weeks and I'm looking forward to seeing him more.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

I am not sure how much I want her.

i think you do want her, i think you want her to want you and enjoy each other...i think you are just tired of all the "nonsense"...

She told me none of the OM was asked to feel if her uterus had shifted, so there was really no reason for me to have a trigger.

didi you explain to her that the trigger revolved around the lube and not the action of giving her a pelvic exam....i think she needs you to be very specific...otherwise she will do just what she did do, try to play if off lightly...blowing it off and making you feel or trying to make you feel like your feelings are unwarranted...and that needs to be addressed ats...

dip: i have to be honest, i had to go back to the njgals previous posts to see where she said it...and YUP she did... .....

now for some disagreeing with you dip:

with honest mom...i think you were referring to your wife, which is quite a different relationship then that with your mother...and to a certain extent honest has more of an escape because they do not live together....and my not so humble opinion on this one..

you teach people how to treat you...if you do not tolerate certain behavior the behavior either stops or the relationship comes to a stop....

now with a parent, this turns into polite convo, keeping some distance....if something needs to be done like a dr appt, take the parent, but only if the parent is civil, otherwise call car service...if the parent needs to have someone there to be an advocate, make it known to the parent that you will do what you need to do...but no more then that...when comments are made you do have the choice to leave, or hang up, basically cutting that person off, except when absolutely necessary and if that makes you the bitch...so what...you know you are not the bitch...i can be a very hard ass on some things...othewise just yet them to death, where you are not really participating, just yessing them til they shut up...i do this one with my mom when she is complaining to death about her friend who complains to death to her...

the point dip is that just because the person has a disease, it doesnt mean you have to take what they dish out...or if taking it, change your perception on whats being dished like the child who yells at his/her parent "i hate you"...you just say ok and move on...you need to train yourself not to fall into those traps...

for you dip its your wife and that is entirely a different relationship, as it should be...and i think it takes someone who is part saint to put up with it day in and day out...its one thing if its your parent, you cant do anything about it, but to choose to stay in a relationship with someone like that takes patience and a really strong back...

ats tryn said:

My view of this is that your W would be not be throwing YOU under the bus, but she will lie to “save face”… It's about her

i agree with this completely, it definitely will not have anything to do with you and everything to do with her and her family...


I do not need to fix this; I need to avoid it. I think NC with bil, sil, fil, mil could work fine.

no you do not need to fix it...the only thing you will have to do is learn how to distance yourself when sich arise where you have to be with these people...distance and civility..

and incidentally your wife needs to be on board on this...was the biggest issue in my marriage forever...he allowed his entire family to come between us...that is a MAJOR NO NO!!

like they say when you take your vows...

God has joined together – let no man put asunder.

aha moment...why should these vows matter when the other vows didn't....i just realized how many vows pfm really did break all from the getgo...

ats...she needs to honor ALL of these vows NOW....and that is the bottom line...she is to leave the parents and become one with her spouse...

that is what marriage is!!! and this should not be compromised...that means you need to stand together as a unit...and i really believe that she should not go to that party without you...you should be standing at her side as she should be standing at yours...showing her entire family that YOU ARE A UNIT...ONE UNIT...

and i think together you should confront the uncle and the bil...privately (without any other family members present, especially sil) together...and tell her she doesn't have a choice...or actually she does have a choice, she could be standing with you or not, you will still do what you have to do...and have 2 man to man chit chats...she could either be a part of it or not...but it would be to her benefit if she were...

your sons game in the grand scheme of life is not going to matter as much as this event in the life of his parents...and if he really wants to attend the event see if your parents or someone else could step in and take him...call in sick to work if that is what you have to do and go...

My irl friends

will support you if they are true...and remember, they do not walk in your shoes...

as far as lunch ...i think she is avoiding you...its easier and she doesnt want to deal

tryn: no we cannot legislate morality....lines have to be drawn somewhere...i do though like the idea of suing mistresses....for alienation of affection, costs of legalities, etc....i think that is cool....that kind of recourse i think is needed...especially for sahm's...there should be laws to protect us should our husbands decided to cheat...those kinds of laws to protect us after the fact i think would not only be possible but work....as a deterent and if not to deter then to protect after...


How do I or should I even bring the subject up? I also want to talk about US and our M but I don't even know where to start. Any suggestions?

well i am a bottom line person, so for me i would prefer a direct calm approach..."i would like to talk about our relationship, what our goals are and what we need to do to achieve them...i'd like to start with ____" and i would keep the first goal a simple one, and light...which will serve mulitple purposes...
1. he won't feel so pressured
2. he won't feel attacked
3. you won't feel like you are putting him on spot
4. helps set up a dialogue
5. gives you a starting point to hopefully future dialogues
6. will ease him into a communication is not a bad thing state of mind...

keep the first few topics light...then whack him with the heavy ones

i hit submit too soon again...

seriously though fun, start out small and build it up


as for the triggers be very precise without using hurting words...when we or i are ______i feel _____ and i need you to _______, can you do this please!!!!

use tryns way of communication, its keeps the focus on your needs and not what he is doing wrong...which will keep him more open to it...


(((fun)))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 5:05 PM, August 27th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats
The sex thing must be really hard.

I wish I could help you in finding ways to arouse her - maybe this is the barrier that stops you being able to decide if you do want her.

I've tried reading some of your old posts and (correct me if I'm wrong) neither of you seem sure of what you want.

One minute R seems to be going well and the next you are both thinking of D.

Sometimes she seems fine and the next she is distant.

Your probs with BIL are also a big issue.

I know you are worried about repercussions with family (and FWW) but maybe if you confronted BIL this could help. I am unsure about outing to SIL - too hard - I just can't decide. At present I would say don't.

I think when you are unsure it's better not to (like me and OW1) as you can always do it later but you can't take it back. But with BIL I think you need to do this.

Anyway - I'm such a newbie - probably shouldn't give any advice but would love to be able to help.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura when you question him i think you should keep it as light as possible, keep your voice calm and quiet, unless of course he is deaf and his hearing aid is not working or he isn't wearing one.,..i digress...anways...keep it light, add some humor within the conversation, it will make you both feel more comfortable within the conversation...


and yes i know how hard it is to keep it light when your heart is in a million pieces...the objective though is to make him WANT to open up and if you are attacking him yelling and screaming i can tell you from experience its the worst way to get the info, IF you actually get any...and humor helps it all the way around...

gotta go do dinner now...hopefully there is no more cross posting...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks miracle
I know I must get the pain under control so he feels safe to open up. I made the mistake of breaking down several times before. I'm determined to control it. Maybe if I say it enough times I'll be able to do it!! LOL

Its Sat morning here and he has to work tonight - starts at 2.30 this afternoon so we have the morning together. Think I will work really hard today at being affectionate and attentive - I think I also have eased off in my efforts now I come to think of it. Hopefully that will set up a good atmosphere for tomorrow.

I am 90% sure he has been NC for last couple of months so I should try harder. I keep looking for him to show me affection and attention. To reassure myself that he wants me and not OW3. Maybe this is making me appear standoffish to him. Sorry thinking out loud!!! LOL


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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