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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: btw what ever happened with the fallout from your child overhearing the A-related argument? Are you 2 talking more now? Is everything ok with that? With my vacation & the SI backlog caused by same I seem to have missed the issue relating to your wife's health. I hope she recovers soon.

On that note - I know that Fun is away - but does anyone know how her H turned up after surgery? I know he recovered from the surgery & they thought they got it all - but does he have any test results still pending?

And on a final note, I thought I would share with you how my H had a dream the other night that his sister caught me with another guy & ran up to him to tell him & couldn't believe he wasn't doing anything about it. He said he was mad in his dream but knew he couldn't say anything about it under the circumstances.
Interesting.
Maybe something is getting through to him.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats,
It makes her uncomfortable when I compliment her or say/do nice things. She thinks I am doing it just because we are in therapy.
Maybe you could say that you thought those things, but never said them (for whatever reason). Now you realise it’s important that she hears it. I agree with miracle, I wonder if your wife has lost all sense of her very being, has no self respect and no self love and she has not been much of a friend to herself. She cannot give out until she has it within. And I’ve missed the news about your wife’s health too. What page is it on?

Allgood, my WH used to have dreams I was leaving him, walking away from him, he was being pulled away from me, he was talking to me, but I couldn’t see/hear him. Post d-day he had dreams I was with someone else. I’ve done a lot of dream analysis since d-day, esp about his dreams involving forest fires, drowning at sea, falling buildings, etc. It all made sense when I read up on it.

Strongish – I’d like to add my welcome to the LTA corner. You’ve had some excellent responses and I hope you can take some ideas to your MC/IC sessions. As for the lying by omission, the not answering a question not asked I had the same thing. That was how WH wrapped up not telling me. I didn’t ask directly, I was only aware that he was not happy. I gave him the golden opportunity in a long letter, which included these lines:
I think that there is an underlying problem to all of this. I don't think it is really about my "contemptuous" attitude toward you. You need to examine yourself. There is something you are not happy about and your apologies are only salve on a bruise that will not go away.
He said he thought I knew but didn’t want to really know and was leaving it up to him to deal with. Fog or what? My FWH had a few sessions of IC with our MC. And I mean a few - 3 or 4. He said he had "dealt" with it. The fact is he doesn't want to look too closely either at what he has done or who is was/is. There is an article called The Process of Self Delusion and your H sounds a prime candidate. I found it a useful tool to understanding what was going on in my WH’s head at the time. Although I now think in the very simple, he did it because he wanted to and because he could and because he was (and probably still is) an incredibly selfish and arrogant man. Not nice, but there you go. Anyway, here’s the link:
http://dividedheart.com/index.php?topic=1331.0

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:30 AM, September 2nd (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UKgirl

I have just read your story in your profile. Amazing.

I was particularly interested in you final comments.

I am with him because it suits me and I like him well enough. I will never wear a wedding band again as I do not consider myself to be his wife. I am prepared to be his partner though. Somehow, with its implied lack of complete commitment, it is a more comfortable and less constricting position. I know I can leave.

I also think

I am with him because it suits me and I like him well enough.

I can't imagine a life without him or with anyone else. So what else do you do? You can read my story on my profile but basically at least 3 affairs over 16 yrs in 28 yr marriage. DDay May28 this year for all 3. Had NO suspicions whatsoever!!

Anyway I'm glad to see you on with me. I'm in Australia so find it hard to meet up with others.

Unfortunately I had small trigger when I read your name but determined to overcome it!. His most recent wh..re is from England and has been living here since 1985.

He is acting very remorseful, is very attentive and has had NC AS FAR AS I KNOW. I've told him any hint he's back with her or seeing soemone else we are done!!! I couldn't go through this again!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood --

H had a dream the other night that his sister caught me with another guy & ran up to him to tell him & couldn't believe he wasn't doing anything about it. He said he was mad in his dream but knew he couldn't say anything about it under the circumstances.
Interesting.
Maybe something is getting through to him.

Sounds like it.

BUT -- he could say something about it. You don't get a free pass, you know. You might want to bring that up to him. I think WS's feel like they've given up all their rights in the marriage once they've been caught.

As a funny side note, during the A my WH used to have recurring dreams I was cheating on him. He would wake up miserable -- and it was always with giant sports stars.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - boy, someone biked to work very quickly today, didn't she? Lol.

I did tell my H that I do not get a free pass. Soon after DDay he asked if I was thinking about having an A to get back at him & I told him no. I think he sees now that I'm in the best shape of my life & people are commenting on how I look to him. He also knows I'm not wearing my wedding band & that I've had some people flirt with me now (he knows I'm not trying to intitiate anything & quickly rebuffed any overtures). After he told me about the dream I told him that as long as we are together he should expect that I am faithful to him, despite his actions.

I love that your H has you with sports heros! Lol.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe

Hope everyone is having a good morning/day/evening.

I began a project tonight.

After joining SI I often thought I should begin a journal. Kept putting it off and then finally decided to do it tonight. Unfortunately was hard to remember just how I was feeling at different times over last 3 months. So had a brilliant idea
would go back and copy/paste all my posts from when I joined.

Unfortunately I discovered that many had been deleted because too old.

I was so disappointed. Anyway have started and copied all that are still there across and many of the replies from you that I found so helpful.

It also occurred to me while doing this that if the day ever comes that H and I D my last gift to him will be a copy of this journal. He "doesn't want to talk about it" because he says it upsets me too much Well I want him to know what I'm experiencing.

Tribe

Just wanted to say that doing this has really shown me just how wonderfully supportive and encouraging you have been.

Plus the advice many of you have given has been excellent. Reading over your comments, advice and encouragement has made me really feel part of the "tribe"

HUGS TO ALL

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I don't like that at all - that he doesn't want to talk about it. If YOU want to talk about it - he should want to hear it.
Listen, no WS wants to hear about it - because there's no"up" side to it for them. When I talk to my H about it - it inevitably winds up with me basically telling him he is/was a piece of shit, I'm heartbroken beyond belief & alternatively want to injure him and/or OW. - especially in the beginning. Even when the talks have been civil/calm, the undertone is the frustration for us both that we never get past & be a "real" couple again.
So - I understand that; however, he needs to realize that this is what YOU need & if he is serious about R he is to follow your lead, no matter how uncomfortable it makes him feel or how unwise he thinks it is.

Write a letter to him now. Many times I write letters just because they help organize my thoughts & pinpoint exactly what is bothering me. Many times - I find that moment of clarity & never give my H the letter. Some times I write horrendous things abou tmy H just to vent - then throw it out.
But - my H has gotten plenty of letters over the past year. Write your letter, revise as needed & have him read it.
Make it clear right from the get go that the last __ years were about him & now it's about you. Maybe youshould print some stuff from the healing library for him to read in the interim.
Damn these guys just piss me off adding salt to the wound like this...

ETA: I love the cut& paste journal idea. At the very least - it will help YOU see where you were & where you're going.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:10 AM, September 2nd (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480

Laura..your positive attitude will help you recover from this...
just one word of caution...
don't brush things under the rug too quickly...

Thanks for this. I don't think I am but thanks for reminding me. In my efforts to stay positive - which have kept me going through the last few years of dramas I suppose I do tend sometimes to look too much on the bright side. This approach has enabled me to cope with other issues but clearly can pose dangers here.


miracle

laura: i love how you are what seem s like constantly striving to see the good perspectives, and you are being so proactive in your healing...i am quite impressed at how well you are actually holding it together...so yay laura...

Thanks miracle You also clearly have a very positive approach. After reading your story in your profile I don't know how you do it!!!

HUGS
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: nice to you jumping in like you never left...

and i gots to give you some major kudo's...bungee jumping.... ...you are a much braver soul then i....


dreams: are supposed to be several things for us, one is our subconsious and the other is one of our connections to spirit (ours and well as others)...

so i had dreamt last nite of living in alaska and pfm was getting married to another...

so if its my subconcious then i say shame on it banning me to the far reaches of the us (our siberia) and giving him a new wife... ...unless of course i am in alaska because it has men up the wahzoo, gorgeous hunky men, and he is marrying a shrew...then that would be acceptable


allgood: no news of test results of fun's husband, just that he was pretty much recovered from surg..

laura: keeping ajournal is awesome, you will see your growth through it which will be inspiring for you...and when we can inspire ourselves, well lets just say that it is HUGE for healing....and speaks VOLUMES for the person you are....

free pass: i was raised to believe this....and i have to say if reconciling is your aim, taking this free pass will hinder this greatly, shouldn't kill it, but definitely hinder it..(if it should kill it then i believe that it is totally meant to be dead).....if reconciling is not your desire, then its not really a free pass, the contract has already been broken and thereby i feel there is no need to honor it...to me it is null and void.....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone

Thanks for the advice.

I suppose at present I am following the advice to "plant the seeds" (given I think by miracle).

I hope a soft approach will bear more fruit. He has opened up a little lately - I just hope it continues.

I will however take your advice and write him a letter. I devloped my own version of one I think I saw in Healing Library. Gave him a fantasy version of me having sex with another man. Starts off "Imagine...".

I made it quite graphic and personal - shook him a bit.

But yes. I will begin to write to him more


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys

I'm so disappointed some are coming on line and H is due home any time.

Oops - he's just arrived.

Talk tomorrow


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of you have mention bipolar and bpd relative to FWW. I presumed bpd was “bi-polar disorder” or a similar acronym, and did not believe that FWW fit that profile. Last night FWW (who has worked in pysc intake) while reviewing our MC session yesterday suddenly wondered aloud if she was borderline personality disorder (BPD).

ETA: she checked with her former co-workers from the psych unit, and I guess the "official" diagnosis from all these minimally qualified folks is histrionic personality disorder. Whatever, the lables do not seem so important as the effort and work required to get from point A to B.

of course i could be off base...if that is so that i am sorry...

No, iwam. I believe you summarize my positions and decisions very well. I cannot just abandon FWW to drift so long as there is some hope. I have not fully recovered from the impact of yesterday’s session. I find myself longing for the days when the only issue I had was a LTA w/ multiple OM

btw what ever happened with the fallout from your child overhearing the A-related argument?

Allgood, We both have talked to him, he is like his father, not very much on sharing emotions. There has been some rebellious behavior towards his M, some sleeping, but these may also be manifestations of being almost 15 and now getting up at 0530 for school. We do have a name recommended for an IC for him to see eventually.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:25 AM, September 2nd (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will however take your advice and write him a letter. I devloped my own version of one I think I saw in Healing Library. Gave him a fantasy version of me having sex with another man. Starts off "Imagine...".

Good luck Laura28. I used a verbal version of that letter in discussions with FWW. It triggered the first real empathy from her. It is powerful stuff if they are receptive.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS -- my MIL has BPD -- and my (old) IC said that BPD is almost ALWAYS caused by sexual abuse (your WW's Uncle?...) It fits. It's VERY hard to treat and your boundaries with a BPD have to be unshakable.

Having said that, once MIL and I got those boundaries sorted out, we get along just fine. Maybe 6 years ago I thought I'd have to cut her out of our lives completely, and just last month I sent 2 of the kids to her house alone for a week and EVERYONE had a great time.

So, hard is not impossible. One thing that helped MIL I think is that her abusers died and she moved away.

But I seriously had to look her in the eye once and say "I don't care if you like me and I don't care whether or not my child has a relationship with his grandparents. Look in my eyes and see if I'm kidding." That's what it took for her to realize that her antics needed to be saved for others.

And the BIL thing; that's "just" your WW re-victimizing herself. Sad, but it's not about BIL as a person, it's about his inter-familial relationship to her.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all and thanks for jumping in UKgirl.

Although I now think in the very simple, he did it because he wanted to and because he could and because he was (and probably still is) an incredibly selfish and arrogant man.

I have spent so much time trying to figure out the "why" of my WH's A. Why after 20+ years of M did he decide to drop his trousers with OW? In the end, what you said is most likely the truth. He did it because she told him things that stroked his ego...pure and simple. Being with her made him feel like Superman and I merely accepted that he was man, with faults. His pride and ego became more important to my WH than I did. I think in his arrogance he thought he could control the situation and that I would never find out. (He told the OW that he would never leave me. She assured him she would never ask him to or try to contact me. Two liars believing each other..stupid.) Now his pride and ego are keeping him from acknowledging and internalizing how he has broken his own moral code.

I wrote a long e-mail to him today. (WH is in another country on business and we talk via Skype.) I find it's easier to write out my thoughts and take my time. In a verbal exchange my WH can talk circles around me. If I write it out he can't interrupt my thought process and divert me from what I'm trying to convey. Basically, I told him that his continued fog-state is pushing me farther and farther away. I told him some hard truths...that I had lost respect for him, not just because of the A, but for his continued refusal to accept that he lied to me, intentionally and repeatedly.

I made it clear that I am the injured party and therefore his expectation that for everything I ask him to do there should be a corresponding task for me to do, it a crock. As he broke our vows I am now under no obligation to continue to honor them. I wrote that "it is only through the generosity of my spirit that I have not turned my back on you entirely." I would be fully justified in leaving him at the airport next time he comes in, changing the locks and leaving a bag of his clothing on the porch. I would be fully justified in telling everyone we know that thinks he is the ethical equivalent of Ghandi, what he has done and how he has compromised his values.

I finished by saying that I am trying to accept that I cannot control him, I can only control myself. I am getting stronger every day and I know that if needed, I can survive without him. I wrote, "That’s not a threat...it is the reality that I have had to accept thanks to your actions. You gave me no choice in this matter. You brought this nightmare into our home and I am left to deal with the aftermath."

He must step-up his game if he hopes for R. I compared his efforts at putting a band-aid on open heart surgery. I finished by saying that a part of me will always love him, and I hope that we can use that as a foundation to heal.

I sent that hours ago...no word back. He's either furious or giving it some serious thought. Frankly, I have no idea which. I hate that I'm nervous to talk to my husband...I hate that I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything...I hate this new reality.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got my answer....he's pissed. Texted that he wanted to call but had not yet read the e-mail. He calls but is "frosty." I suggested that since he had just read it that he might want to wait and we'll talk again tomorrow. He agreed and we signed off.

Why is my stomach in knots?? He's the one that had the A and I'm feeling bad that I hurt his feelings. What's wrong with me?? Where's my self-respect? Just another thing I've lost to his infidelity. Okay, here come the tears.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,

The Process of Self Delusion

Thank you so much for this link. I've forwarded to several others and I'm going to print it out for our counselor. Great information in understand what the hell is going on with this person we thought we knew.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish....

the only thing that helps to get a wayward spouse out of the fog and back into reality is a REALLY STRONG response.
I have been at this for over 3 and 1/2 yrs now... I have read tons of books and articles and been part of two different online support sites and the one thing that I see over and over again....is the same scenario...
a BS finds out about the affair.. is devastated but... for a variety of reasons... fear... embarassment... lonliness...lack of self confidence... trying to protect the spouse, the kids, the family reputation, the spouse's job, income, you name it....
but...they do not react in a strong decisive manner...
they pussy foot around.. they tell no one about the affair and protect their darling spouses reputation.
they do not make too many demands because they are afraid that the WS will leave, divorce, choose the affair partner etc.
They feel like they need to be 'nice' to win the spouse back.. that they need to tread lightly...
and...in all these years I almost always see the same outcome....the WS either secretly continues the affair...often for years or... the WS starts a brand new affair.
In my opinion...the WS needs to hit rock bottom to wake up and smell the coffee!!!
Anything less than a 2x4 over the head and... you will probably lose them anyway...
so, my advice?
If there is not total remorse and a total comittment on the part of the WS to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they need to save the marriage...well, then there probably is no hope of reconciliation.
So, what should the BS do?
Take a 180 approach..you can read about that in the SI healing library look under articles....
a good book on the subject by a Christian author is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. That book is good because here you have this author , a big supporter of marriage, but here he is telling the BS that you should not settle for crumbs...you should not settle for more lies or a lack of comittment or anything less than complete and total transparency. Dobson continues to detail the benefits of taking a tough love approach-very similar to the 180... where there are very severe consequences for the spouse that continues to see the affair partner...there is no room for 3 in a marriage. They need to choose..no having their cake and eating it too.
and..Dobson reminds you..no begging or pleading for your marriage..or for the WS to come home..
they should know that you are way more valuable than the affair partner...and if they are not willing to fight for you.... well....then that's not much of a marriage is that?

sorry I got on my soapbox here but, I really feel strongly that this is the approach to take.
I outted my husband to everyone...our children, family members, friends, his co-workers,his boss...I called the MOWs husband..you name it.I was telling the truth. They created this situation..if they weren't proud of their behavior then they shouldn't have been behaving that way.
For my husband ..this was his bottom...
and...surprisingly, 3+ yrs post d-day...people are not avoiding him, or shunning him... everyone is very supportive of the marriage..supportive of the major effort that he has made to win me back etc.
her husband did not shoot my husband or punch him in the nose! The MOW did not lose her job over this..but she did lose some priviledges(LOL) and she does not travel as freely now that her antics were outted...

sorry this is so long... but, I forgot to mention that MOW had her first affair in the 1980's..it was a LTA... 6 yrs.. with surprise, surprise..a married co-worker... she destroyed his marriage....and to top it off she had two children during the affair years...nice, huh?
well..her husband is a really nice, really forgiving man who is a really good father and guess what?
he forgave her for the affair (he found out when the kids were already 3 and 5 yrs old)... and he kept her secret for her.. he wanted to protect her, the kids, his reputation, etc.
he made some demands... BUT... he didn't follow through or verify.. and guess what?
she went back to her old ways almost immediately..rekindled the affair with the affair partner (she lied to hubby saying this guy had left the job)..had affairs with other men...
her husband also asked her to stop traveling with the job because that's where her affairs often took place...but his demands had no teeth..he wasn't strong enough(she never did stop the travel eventhough she could have) husband did NOT insist on anything... he did not hold her accountable..
no one did...
she got away scott free.. reputation intact etc.
and what did it get her husband?
years of affairs..
culminating...in the 5 yr affair with my husband..nice...
he finally divorced her...
and still kept her secret..didn't tell anyone the reasons why they were divorcing.
and guess what?
the lovely OW? instead of appreciating his kindness? well she tried to turn their families and their now adut kids against him by telling them that the husband had an affair and that was why they divorced!!!!!
he told me that at Xmas he was blocked from dropping off gifts for the kids because of this...I told him that enough is enough..he needed to man up and tell the family the truth...
and he finally did.. after 30+ yrs of covering for the cheating wife...
true story.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 7:07 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal...this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight!! I get so tired of being told to just be patient and not "rock the boat." THANK YOU!! I need to be heard and my WH needs to hear me! If he won't actually listen to me speaking then I'll just start sending him a weekly e-mail detailing my progress in rebuilding my life. He can choose to be a part of that life or not. Again, I can't control him, only myself.

I wrote:
"On one hand you say you’re sorry and on the other you say that you were in so much “pain” that that caused you to make the decision to break your marriage vows. This pain was so intense that you broke with your own moral code, yet you can’t remember much of how or when the affair started or many details. Sounds a lot like a cop out to me."

I believe that he is frustrated with me as I am not reacting as he expected I would if I ever found out.

I didn't ask to be this strong, but if I need to be, I will. But it truly sucks. Thanks for listening, and for taking the time to respond. It is a huge help.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong....your stomach is in knots, you are anxious for responses because you know what you want to hear and you also know that it is highly unlikely...and it hurts....

do let this man blameshift and or gaslight or anything remotely like that....

stick to your guns, you know he is full of it, and you know what you know...and he knows nothing of what it wll take, at least not yet...

this man needs to man up, and prepare yourself because he may not...draw up your boundaries and your dealbreakers....

in the meantime, you need to do whatever it takes for you to heal yourself...

so what did you do for yourself today?..did you eat well, stay hydrated, any exercise????

for you to help yourself stay focuses i think its important to start to take care of yourself in every aspect....and do it for you and only you....it will help your self esteem, your very bruised ego, and it will start you on the path you need to take to heal...


(((strong)))

ats: be really careful with yourself on where you perceive hope..and how you percieve it.....false hope is not a good thing and could end up hurting you all the more...so reserve your judgement in this matter...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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