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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl -- Please let us know how your kids are as soon as you know; I just saw there was a 7.2 earthquake near Christchurch.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it got busy over lunch…

Njgal480 & Honest, I ordered the Walking on Eggshells this morning form Amazon. I will have to hide it, FWW is making it very clear she does not want to be diagnosed as BPD.

Honest, sharing feelings is what married people do; it is not just healthy, it is required! What your WH is describing is the sort of disconnected relationship FWW and I have had. For much of my life, I would question myself if the other person were insistent or argued their position forcefully, even when I knew they were wrong. Do not let him do this to you. Maybe this is a cultural difference, but I think it is a WS vs BS difference.

Allgoodnames,

I seriously do not understand why it is so difficult to share feelings with your spouse/ic, but I accept it. I believe he loves me, but I will never understand what he did. He HAS lost my respect. It was nothing short of disgusting. I can't really think of anything else to ask of him that would change that.

You believe he loves you, but he has not really convinced you because he does not share feelings. You will never understand the disgusting thing he did, and he may never either, because he does not do or share feelings. I cannot help but think that if he were able to talk about his fears and needs that led to and perpetuated the A it would help you. If he could talk about how he felt then versus how he feels now that would help convince you of his love and perhaps rebuild some of your respect. If he could share feelings, you could feel more confident that another A will not occur because he would be communicating his needs/fears to you. “

Hi trying2smile, I was feeling about my worse at 6 months, so do not feel bad about feeling bad. What has your WS done to discover why the A was important? Why he gave himself permission to continue the A while marrying you? What need did the A fulfill? IC is probably necessary for him to develop and share these insights with you. Once you both know what need drove the A, you can both monitor his ability to fulfill that need in appropriate ways. This will help with you feeling safe and rebuilding trust.

Nothing feels like it was real between us.

FWW was in a different M than me due to her issues. From my perspective, what I recall is real, but I was cheated out of a much deeper and meaningful M.

iwam, I think you are right that it is safe for manchild to act out against you versus pfm. I also think that this kind of behavior is typical for adolescent boys. DS (almost 15) has started some disrespectful behavior toward FWW, especially since DS18 left for college.

First HS football game of the season tonight. Hard to get used to watching football in 90 degree weather.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trying2smile
♀ New Member
Member # 29242
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words.
To answer some of your ??'s, he is apparently a SA but didn't realize it until after DDay when we were in our first counseling session. He had cheated on almost every person he was ever in a relationship with. Serious issues w/ FOO. He goes to IC and to SA group meetings but not as often as I would like him to.
It's good to hear that it is somewhat normal to be feeling what I am @ this stage.
Thanks for listening.


D-day 3-8-10
Multiple A's spanning over 5 yrs
W/ 1 LTA
married 5 yrs
together 7 yrs

Posts: 38 | Registered: Aug 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're normal. Remember, he's the abnormal one; that's why there's a label for him.

You don't have to stay with him. Remember that, ok?

Also, it's not about you. He's cheated on everyone.

I think to myself somedays: "Why did I think I was going to get to be the exception to WH's general assholeness just because I married him and gave birth to his children?"

Have a good weekend. Just take care of you this weekend and let him worry about himself.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

short of time again...but needed to respond to a few..

honest: hello, no woman, your ws is totally off the wall, he speaks from his ass and will spin anything that won't spit back....when in doubt do yourself a favor and post your story in your head, pretend its someone else like strong...what advice would you give....

and as for your sons being on their own..NORMAL....especially now they are in their 30's they should be...and tell me what would your sons say to such bullshit

remember EVERYTHING he says needs to be taken with many grains of salt...or tequila..


allgood: it was back in feb...pfm was in my face, not honoring my boundaries and spinning his shit...i told him first to get out of my face, he didn't, i got louder and louder and louder to the point where i broke and told him to get out of the house, he still just stood there...my son heard and came running and asked me to let his dad stay, at least until morning, and he would talk to his dad and make him see reason...ironic or what...he ididnt even know what it was all about, just that mom wanted dad gone, he knew we were having issues, knew we were both in therapy and mom blew up at dad.....my son was awesome....i agreed to let pfm stay the night...pfm aplogized yet again, and said it would never happen again...it did, not at the same level but it still happens...he backs away now when he see's me reaching that boiling point..so just before i would boil over he now would back away...it just infuriates me that i still have to do this...anyways allgood that was when i tried to kick him out...and this affected manchild greatly, and he still brings it up now and then how he saved the day, the other kids were not here and he was and he believes it was a good thing he was....me..sometimes i disagree, it would have been done and over....and my healing would progress much faster, if just for the fact that detaching without him here would be so much easier...


trying2smile: love your name, it shows you are an optimist...

raising hand, my ws started cheating before he ever met me...he was involved with a mow, he was the om...and he was fucking this woman for 5 years before me and never stopped...in my case my ws(prayformiracle/pfm) loved this woman....and that took it to the highest level for me....anyways because of all the tricle truth i am done and will seek d some day, now i stay for my kids, 3 teens...my kids do not know of this, my dd knows of her dads betrayal she found out by accident but has no clue the state of the marriage and has not asked, my boys know nothing of his a's, they know we are having issues most of which were brought on by my inlaws with their dad leading the way..

pfm has had 2 lta's that i know of, 2 other confirmed ow, and few other try's he confirmed...he and i differ on the amount of trys among many other things that i have proof of and he denies...i have decided that i cannot and will not remain married to a liar...he still lies about stuff, all kinds of stuff...not sure if he is involved with any now, 6 weeks ago i would have said probably not, now...not sure...and it really matters not, my decision is made, when the kids are older, and able to handle it, my boys will be told and i will seek divorce then asap....but for now we live together and coparent...not not not easy....

pfm's actions include, one lta at 30 years, another at 12 years, simultaneously as well as ons's and multiple trys, and ons's that lasted more the one nite....the 12 year lta is a judge and most of the latter part of their relationship was phone sex...lots of phone sex....and apart from the last year prior to dday, sex with me was a constant...we did have a few periods where is wasn't do to horrible actions on his part, before those actions i was always a willing partner, and a demanding one...i loved sex, he at one point with his actions slowly killed my very high sex drive to the point of death...after d-day it came back...

i would have been open to reconcilliation if he stopped his lies...whether or not i would have been able to get past it all, and god know the amount is staggering, i don't know, but i would have tried to keep my family together and because i loved him that much....not anymore...


so for you i would think that you would need to decide what you can and cannot live with NOW....only for now, set out your new boundaries, and think about your dealbreakers....for him ic needs to be a requirement as well,...take it one step at a time, one day at a time...welcome to our corner of si btw....we can be chatty, but so far there is always someone here....at least within a reasonable time period...

newbies: there are so many of you...this is a service announcement:

these icr threads only go to 50 pages/999 posts...so when it happens, call out for a mod in general and ask for part 20 and the mods are great, another thread will be made for us...so don't panic when it happens...


(((tribe)))


m3 is christchurch in new zealand...i will see what i can find out on facebook, ukgirl went away for the weekend...

ukgirls boys are in queenstown, new zealand....

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 2:43 PM, September 3rd (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok. here's another spin of WH. I told him last time he was here and again this time that I wanted a signed paper that I have "physical custody" of the kids....but joint with major decisions ie college, etc. He agreed then.
I brought it up again and told WH point blank, "I'm sorry, but I don't trust you anymore. You were even telling DS 15 that once trust is broken, it has to built again."

WH started spinning. Yes, he agrees that trust will be broken, but in the real world, if the one party doesn't trust anymore, the relationship starts changing. The other person reacts to that and will be upset and not act as loving.

What I was trying to tell him about building trust, that if the one who broke the trust cared enough about the other person, they would do things to make them feel better and try to earn the trust again.

WH says, it should, but in reality, the one who broke the trust will react badly to other person's distrust and would make them be more distant.

I was trying to discuss this and to give him credit, so was he, in a "distant" sort of way.

I know what he's saying, but I think it still boils down to one thing: does he care enough to make the effort?

I know I need reality checks when I talk to him. He can sound so very logical and calm when he's speaking.

WHY do I still love the bastard?????!!!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: can you hear me yelling over there?!?!?

I'm actually picturing your H as the snake from Jungle Book - the one that has the hypnotizing eyes....

It seems to me, it's same old, same old. He's trying to do whatever necessary to get his way. His way, at the moment, is for you to stop badgering him about anything he doesn't like. He knows you are vulnerable and he is exploiting it.
I know how lonely you must feel. I know I feel like crap and I have my H here making an attempt at helping me. I am truly sorry for everything you are going through. It must really, really hurt that after everything you have done, not done, etc. for this man, that he cannot show you the slightest regard for your feelings. There is nothing that can change this man. I seriously think you need to just end this. Does he have no family he can stay with while he is in town? Have you at least maintained separate sleeping quarters. (Please don't tell me you are on the couch...)
I know you have been putting up with this due to your financial situation, but I think you need to put a little more emphasis on your emotional health and a little more faith that IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....
I am so sorry that this man has returned to psychologically and emotionally manipulate and abuse you! Because this is exactly what he is doing!
I agree with everything that miracle and Allgood have said.
he is trying to intimidate you! You do not need him to sign any kind of paper giving you custody! You are their mother! You are their custodial parent! They live with you every day! He abandoned you and your children...left the country and MARRIED another woman! and had 3 children with her!!! He is an immoral, unethical, bully BIGAMIST/POLYGAMIST!
I do not think that any court in the USA would give him ANY custodial rights to the children!!!!
His behavior is abominable!
If he did this with a woman in the USA he would be in JAIL!
How dare he try to intimidate you and somehow make YOU out to be a bad parent???? a bad person???
I know how hard it is to grow up as a child with a BPD mother... we never got the hugs, the love, the accolades, the encouragement that other kids got....
we always wonder whether or not we are good enough....
You are a wonderful, warm, kind person... intelligent, loving parent...devoted, faithful wife...
You did nothing wrong...
It's time for the 180 when it comes to your husband...
do not engage with him...
you can do the 180 even when he is in the same room with you..it's psychological ..just don't listen to him... distract yourself...keep repeating you are an immoral bigamist who abandoned his wife and children...you are not someone that I need to be listening to or someone I should be intimidated by...
Do not let him take the kids anywhere without you...
Do not let him anywhere near their passports...
Do not let him know anything about your future plans... I wouldn't trust him at all... no discussion of child custody etc. don't guve him a heads up about this.

I really think that there has to be an attorney in your area that is familiar with exactly this type of situation...

sorry... if I'm coming across as harsh.. it's the Jersey girl in me!
Ooooh... he's just making me so... angry.
I'm angry that someone is treating you so badly...
you do not deserve any of this.
sending long distance hugs...
keep us posted as to what is going on.
How long is he planning on staying?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:10 PM, September 3rd (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: why do you see his point....he really doesn't have one....

so basically the person who causes the distrust has to do nothing to regain it...why should you be loving towards him...how was he loving towards you...

we could spin every word that comes from his mouth....

you need to stop even listening to him...lay down what you need and walk away not listening to him...only listen when he is telling you something worthy like where the money is...or when he is leaving, or....no, um i think that is it...

180 180 180 180

remember what i told you earlier....pretend its not you and its strong with her husband..what would you tell her...separate yourself from your sich....even if it means you go to the bathroom and just breathe...if your head is trying to make sense, that alone should be huge huge red flags...bells, whistles and bombs....the minute you find yourself saying i think i see his point....you need to slap yourself back to reality...and then bitch slap the man...and you bitch slap this man by blowing him completely off....

honest, he is not going to change, he is not a good man, he is not a nice man and he is not a loving man...he is not the man for you....


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle....so does that mean I get to pretend that my moron is really honest's moron?? God knows there are plenty out there to choose from!

Honest...help yourself my to moron. He's not doing me any good that's for sure!

FWIW...had a session with the IC/MC today and as usual I always feel stronger after I meet with her. I gave her a copy of the e-mail I sent to WH yesterday and there was some stuff she was really glad I put in there. Yay me! WH has not reacted yet...so he may not be so impressed. I'm leaving in the morning to head to DD's college parents weekend so I will be away from my computer for him to Skype me and I won't talk about it in front of DD, so it's on ice for a few days. Frankly I'm glad. I'm not up for an arguement. I have started just doing the time-out thing and stopping any conversations that are getting out of hand (read...making me furious!). That's when WH is most effective at getting my words twisted around. If I stay calm I make him frustrated instead of me. Much better for my digestion!

I'll be off the grid for a few days but I'll be thinking of the words of wisdom I have received here this weekend. Thanks again for the support.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish...
stay strong! I'm glad your IC session went well and that you stated what you needed to in the email to your WS...

Like I said to Honest... you did nothing wrong... you did not deserve any of this... do not allow him to make you feel like anything that you said or did could justify his behavior...

state your demands and then...180..detach from him..

remember... as long as they can be cake eaters and have it all they will continue in their toxic behaviors...

the only hope you have is that a 2x4 over the head wakes him up to the reality that he really will lose his marriage if he does not make huge changes in the way he has been leading his life...
that you are done settling for less than 100% from him.

And.. that idea of miracle's about imagining yourself to be in someone else's shoes...
That is something that I have used many times in my 3 and 1/2 yr recovery from this betrayal. There were many times that I felt like I needed to step back and imagine someone else's situation to try to get a handle on what I should do...
there were plenty of times when I was thinking that I was done with my marriage because I was being so weak in trying to reconcile etc. and then I would think of some of my SI friends and realize that I have so much respect for many that are reconciling with their WS...
so..anyway.. it was a way for me to get a different perspective on things...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: love your sense of humor...and yes..help yourself to honest's moron, although i think her moron might be somewhat worse then yours...actually lots worse..but the attitude is identical, your moron just didn't take it to his level.. ..sorry honest...

gotta go, child issues..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aarrgghhh...at this moment in time i do not like my boys...i may love them, but i certainly do not like them....at 15 and 16, pulling, "he hit me first"..both boys are bigger then i, their voices are deeper then mine...and yet they seem so so small...

anyways, strong you enjoy your dd parent day...and i personally think its a good thing that he is stewing...makes the meat so much more tender...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honest

I tried to work out your story before with out success. When njgal said this

He abandoned you and your children...left the country and MARRIED another woman! and had 3 children with her!!! He is an immoral, unethical, bully BIGAMIST/POLYGAMIST!

I thought - yes there is always someone who has it tougher than you!!!

I wouldn't presume to give you advice because I don't fully know your situation but PLEASE just look after yourself and your kids. Do whatever it takes for YOU!!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honesttoafault))

I do not presume to know what is best for you. We can all read your posts, and it sounds like you are struggling with your WS at your home. I also read consistently that you still feel love for your WS. I read that after his actions distanced the two of you, that his perception is that you must act in ways that he feels are loving, or you risk pushing him further away.

Do you perceive that your WS loves you?

Is sharing him and receiving what attention he is able to give you enough for you? Would you be happy with him and be able to share him with his other W and family on his terms?

How can I help you, what do you need?

You perceptions, right or wrong (and we all thing our perceptions are right) are your reality.

At the football game tonight, FWW left me to go take pictures of DS. While taking pictures a neighbor, her club president, happened by and they embraced in a hello hug. I triggered. I mentioned that to FWW, she got defensive about how it was only hisname, and they were just friends. I left to go find DS to give him money for snacks. FWW knew I was upset, she headed for the car and was going to call me to let me know where she was. Instead, she came and found me with DS, I smiled when I saw her, but the damage was done. We (I?)had a fun rest of the evening, but when we talked tonight she could tell I was anxious. She did the right thing, she came and found me rather than walking away, still the damage was done for the night. Two ambien later and I am out on the lanai smoking a cigarette, unable to sleep. I know FWW is upset that I triggered over her hugging a friend. I am pretty sure there was never involvement with hisname, but still enough suspicion and feelings to set off a trigger in me. I know she wants me to be past this and trust and enjoy the new FWW.

The football games are an area FWW closed me out of her life once the A started. She did not think I liked going because I did not act like I was having fun in the way she thought I should. Towards the end I enjoyed her being gone on game nights and having an evening free of worrying about how I was pissing her off this time.

This is hard, whatever we are trying to do, all of us. Even trying to do the right thing is hard because it feels awkward. FWW got a look at the continuing fallout from her damage to us. I realized there is still A related anxiety within me. I have to figure out what works for me, live that way, and see if it works or not for FWW. Honest, can you figure out how to live that works for you?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: Hope you did ok last night. I am a little disconcerted to see that you didn't check in overnight (I knowyou are a night person.) Sorry bout the 2x4s, and I know Ats makes a good point - that you do love him- so I understand the searching to find something in him, just a morsel, that shows he returns the feeling, but, BUT I objectively believe he is not capable of showing you love in the way you need it (the way anyone would need it.) He is off the charts. If you want to give yourself a glimmer of hope, then let it be that this man has to hit ROCK BOTTOM before something in him may snap & change. Rock bottom meaning you getting custody of the kids, for a start, making it very clear to him that he is not welcome in your bedroom, etc. As far as custody goes - if you want to to this in pieces (which you already know my opinion) you can just go right down to Family Court yourself and get the custody order. Yes, you will have to go back a couple of times if he chooses to fight it, but it's a no-brainer. For God's sake, he doesnt even live in the country most of the year and you have been the primary caretaker throughout the children's lives. That would be a HUGE first step, that I think you could actually do, that would stop putting you in the position of begging for his cooperation.
You can do it Honest. I'll even help you with the paperwork if you like - just pm me - it's simple.

Miracle: PLEASE don't tell me my boys are going to bicker like this through their teens. I swear I'll never make it.

Ats: I think you guys have come a long way! That's great!

Even trying to do the right thing is hard because it feels awkward.

Absolutely agree. Too many times I feel this way. Honestly - only if I am a little intoxicated (mind you - only a "little" otherwise it has the completely opposite effect)can I somehow enjoy the moment.
I feel awkward with him all the time and that is because I stopped interacting with my H like this a long time ago, so it wouldn't have been comfortable before the A -add the A issues on top and, well, I am trying to push through it.

When is the antiversary again? (I want to make you a card.... )

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:13 AM, September 4th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just checking in. Had a good day today and tonight OK so far. H is at work.

He is continuing to keep me up to date as far as OW3 is concerned. Told me tonight that he overheard someone at work say she is having 5 days off.

That's great. Also told me he overheard her say she has sold her house last night. Its has been on the market for a while.

I HOPE SHE LEAVES TOWN111111

AND NEVER COMES BACK111111


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally fell asleep this morning only to awaken from a nightmare. It was so realistic that I had to come see if the argument that I had with TrynHard was in the dream or something I actually posted last night. The details were all sketchy, but I remember arguing with Tryn that I was not ready and did not think his "way" was the best (sorry Tryn), lots of remote (Alaska?) roadhouses and big trucks, catching FWW having sex with a large ugly man with an injured leg (?) and she said at least it made sex with her xH seem good, I yelled at her, ran to find "friends" up the street who were helping me. I told them what happened and had (in my dream) a panic attack or heart attack when they all said, "but you made her do it". I have never had anything so vivid related to the A. I am still shaking. The adrenalin has me wide awake after just 4 hours sleep.

Allgoodnamesgone,

When is the antiversary again? (I want to make you a card.... )

Tell me I have not thought of sending a "special" 60th anniversary card to my IL's for their upcoming party. Congratulations, you survived functional alcoholism, abuse and abandonment of your children, philandering by her and avoidance by him to build an enduring relationship of which I am sure you both must be proud.

Laura28, that sounds like potentially good news for you, so Yea!

I need coffee and a smoke and then to do some work outside and clear my head. FWW was in a rush this morning, I woke her when I got up, and she planned to be up an hour and a half earlier. Don’t know if it was the rush or still fallout from last night.

This is the beginning of our hardest period. Money is tightr with DS in school, a year ago I was out of town for training (she met with OM of course), she and DS14 were to join me for part of the trip, but she spent the travel money on decorations. Her surgical consult is in 2 weeks. Three weeks is the date a year ago she last had sex with OM, then the trip to her parents on the aniversary of her trip when I discovereds the A. Four weeks is dday antiversary.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: ok...so now you know that the a crap is still present and accounted for...which i kind of knew, buried til something comes along to dig it out, i was hoping though that you would have a bit more time before that happened to find your new niche in this other role you have taken on as someone who is facilitating his wife's mental recovery...

sooo many hats to wear, not enough changing time in between shifts...

now, you need to wear the ats hat of emotional and mental well being too you know....what will make ats happy, or at the very least what can ats do to recharge his waaay overused batteries....event the energizer bunny has to change batteries you know...if not he falls on his face...and i do not want to see that happen...

very gently i think you need to explain to your wife her new role as a person who is no longer allowed to have all kinds of friendships with men....that she needs to give a bit of distance...and hopefully she will do this, although i fear she won't...she is so deep in issues i don't think she sees anything...

(((((ats)))))

so ats what can we do for you?

honest: check in when you can, i am hopin that he is giving you some space while he is here, if not please take it on your own...even if you lock yourself in the bathroom, make a bubble bath and bring in your favorite book, or one of the set, a glass a wine...and indulge yourself...and if you need to, bring in a boombox to shut out the outside world...


laura: its good to hear that he is constantly "reporting" to you....and he seems to be doing it without hesitation, and this is wonderful...the man is trying to earn it...keep that in mind on the dips of the rollercoaster...

and yes i hope for you she leaves town...


allgood: in time it will come, you need to develop a new ease...the one prior wasn't any better either, so the 2 of you need develop a new way...and right now its uncomfortable because he knows he did wrong, you feel hurt and to top it off the relationship prior wasnt one of that "ease"..more like tolerating each other, and just being...where the 2 of you never really connected because neither of you knew how....

i think when you are childhood sweethearts, it can be more difficult at times, you get stuck in old old habits, but you are both always changing..people very rarely stay the same, perceptions change, experiences change and then you add life to it, babies, jobs families...

the evolution of a relationship would also need to adapt and sadly most times it doesn't but when life is too busy you don't notice it...and when you do, you shrug it off and delve into the next thing at hand because there always is a next thing....

now comes the task of bringing the relationship up to date at the same time healing the same relationship from this huge betrayal....not an easy task, but if both parties really decide to commit and do the work, it is not only possible but probable....

then you get to the next level of letting go...and that one is actually harder, that is the one where you look fear in the eye and say no more fear....and you choose to live in love...and let love guide you instead of fear....really hard because you don't want that pain, that hurt again...so you hold on to it all..which ends up hurting you all the more ironically...but still its a hurt that is different, its a protective hurt that we inflict upon ourselves...yes is it really???


o.k. enough of my ramblins....went way way beyond....

going out later to sil's surpirse 50 th party...this is the sil with lots of issues with her own spouse...pfms brother...ought to be interesting....

and my dd has decided to finally pick out pain color for her room, it only took her over a year...and changed her room around yesterday...plus she is busy making plans...ought to be interesting to see how this turns out too, especially since school starts in a couple of days...


and allgood: about boys...i am told all the time that most of this is normal...i don't know why its normal, i think it sucks...when someone hurts my kid i want to hurt that someone even if its my other kid...and when its both...well i just ......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: we cross posted while i was ramblin away...

ats i am glad you are doing something outside...it will help ou to regroup...

shake it off ats, you could do this, you have done so much more...

and sooo many dates....can you burn the friggin calendar....i think you need to make plans on all these dates and make new memories, new anniversaries that are NEW and improved.....hell if i did what you are doing i wouldnt have single day of peace....between pfm's activities and his foo, i don't even get a holiday...but i am choosing not give my power away on it all, i am choosing to take my life back and that means that future dates will be mine again...i refuse to give a date that much power...i can understand maybe a day here and there...but really if i let it, i wouldn't have one date....and that is just sad.. i deserve better then that and so do you!!!!


(((ats)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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