Anyway, I bet the rest of the tribe can tell some pretty big stories about nightmares, too. You're not alone, man. This stuff sucks, but you're not alone.
Honest- Our FWH's are *experts* at what I call blame-shifting and crazy making. Seriously, this is why it is great that you have SI or other accountability partners to run things by. I think your WS is fearful and trying to control you by reversing things on you. I'm very, very familiar with all of that. And yes, they sound "logical" but when you really start to look at their 'logic" ---often it stinks like bad trash. Just keep on posting, friend, and believe in yourself.
((((Tribe))) Hope you all are having a great weekend.
and is it possible that these new disclosures are your ws opening up to you giving you everything he has, to live in total truth...or did you find out these things on your own...
we are here for you...(((hb)))
I'm wishing everyone peace & happiness today.
And, Honest - where are you?
I agree... am a bit concerned that Honest has not checked in...hope all is well with her...
Yesterday got a little tense around the Atsenaotie household. After my trigger at the game, FWW went online to SI to check up on me. She saw my post about ordering the book on BPD. She was not happy, she does not like being labelled. When I got home yesterday morning form errands she was crying and reading about BPD in the DSM IV. She got mad at me, but mostly depressed. We went out last night and had a good time.
Old_dipstick, can you smell my smoker? We have honey-maple turkey and chipolte rubbed pork cooking today.
Have a good weekend all.
ATS-Sorry it's so tense in your house right now. I can smell the bbque---yummy! I hope the rest of the weekend is peaceful in your house.
IWAM- Yes, my H didn't want to live with the lies/omissions anymore and came clean without any prompting. But it still set me back to zero on the trust scale and in full speed for trauma and all of the dday "stuff" we go through. Just waiting and watching him--as he goes through his 12 step program I am starting to see changes. But time will tell if they are real or not.......In the meantime, I'm on the typical roller coaster- fine one minute, then pissed off or depressed the next. I seriously hope this is the LAST time my clock gets reset- I know it will be the last time as a married person, but even at that I just don't want to go through it again. Thanks for the encouragement I am lucky to have a great COSA group IRL and through my church in addition to all the great folks here on SI!
Hope the rest of the Tribe is doing well.....enjoying the weekend.
Hugs to all,
hb: i know this sounds really sick, but i envy you with that truth being spoken....it is such a positive thing...and the really sick sick part...he trusts you enough to show you who he really was....that is HUGE....and its really good for you if you had any questions that had not been answered....to me getting the pieces of the puzzle together is key to moving on...it helps you not dwell in the past...and as far as hoping that this is truly the last of it... amen sister to that one...it really is devastating to keep reliving it again and again...but for some reason it is still freeing i would think.....so kudos to mr hb and to you for holding it together...
and its wonderful that your irl support is there and accounted for ...having someone irl helps tremedously, let alone many someones....
hey honest we are thinkin bout ya...
hope everyone had a good day, it was beautiful here in new york today...
I should have taken notes, am having trouble focusing.
NJgal: You can talk anyway you want!! I am a native "New Yawker" and can take it.
Allgood: thank you. You and NJgal getting angry for me and even at me was great and what I needed.
I needed reality checks and hugs
Miracle, thank you for checking in
and laura and hb. You all gave wonderful support and advice.
I might be leaning on you guys while WH is here.
I guess now I really need a big 2 x 4 from Tryin!!
ats: I wish I knew how to do that quote thingy right, because I wanted to do that for your whole post to me.
You really nailed it. That was my feelings. Believe it or not, I was going to settle for that until my ducks were in a row.
But it seemed I wasn't even getting crumbs...
But, Ats, you were so right, about WH's perception. I AM supposed to act lovingly!!!
But you know what, Ats? You said a wonderful thing that really brought me to the reality. It has woken me up a great deal.....
You said you wanted to help, and, "What do you need?"
OMG! That woke me up.
I had a meltdown yesterday and reread that today.
That is exactly what WH should be saying to me and offering me.
I am not trying to engage with him or asking for anything from him, BUT he'll bring up some stupid triggery subject he wants to discuss like the fact that he is thinking of selling our house overseas to buy a larger one for investment or still discussing DS's going over there for a visit, etc. etc.
I know a lot of these things need to be discussed, but somehow, I don't feel they are really being discussed. WH acts like he wants my input/opinion, but I feel in reality it really doesn't matter. If I disagree, I feel like I'm going in circles.
These are financial things we are discussing.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I feel like I'm being defeated.
He thinks he is such a good guy because he bought me a new laptop. I never had one of my own, just hand-me-down computers. The home computer has died long ago. and of course he says that now I can do any work he might need in the comfort of the living room!!! Isn't he nice?
I want to give hugs to everyone.
I am trying my best to stay sane right now, just surviving.
Thank you all for your support and be patient with me if I'm asking for more.
its a beautiful day here in new york....
may today find you all feeling some peace and love with your families...
we may not have been blessed with spouses who truly love(d) us well, BUT we have all been blessed with our children, and some of us with family and some of us with friends......
I am in quicksand, in a whirlpool and can't seem to think straight.
I talked to WH, and told him I NEEDED him to tell me how I was special to him. How I was different. I told him I NEEDED some reassurance.
He just spun it around, telling me he's told me already and I'll be like this for the next 20 years. I always needed reassurance.
Sure I did, because I always had the nagging feeling that he might be cheating....he wasn't really committed to me.
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm trying to get blood from a stone.
I'm beating my head against a brick wall......
We ended up with a big fight, of course I was blamed for making us be further apart.
WH says he will NEVER divorce her EVER. That's it. No more talking about it. AND he is NEVER going to divorce me, unless I ask for it.
WH says I'm wrong, you can't ask someone to love them. I told him I wasn't asking for that, just that if he did to show me. He says I should feel it!!!!!!
I just told him I NEEDED some reassurance......to discuss with me how he felt..... and the answer was how many times does he have to do it.
I have my answer.
I feel like I'm dying inside....I was killed already.
I have my answer
You've known this for a long time... that doesn't make it any easier, I know. You are such a good person - you ask for so LITTLE from this man & he just can't do it. Perhaps part of him knows there is no way in Hell this is going to work - so he's not even going to give you a crumb? He's so mad at you maybe or maybe he's so scared for what this will mean to him that he can't do anything to help you - because you are going to hurt him?
I really don't know - just throwin some ideas out there.
The main point is - who gives a shit what he thinks? He's an F-n asshole, right? The man has proven, time and time again, to be completely selfish & irrational. He is not the measure of your worth!!!!
I say you go on E-Harmony right now and find your perfect match! At the very least it will distract you from the sorrow and maybe, just maybe.... something more.
Honest - hang in there. (It's worse when he's here, right? How are the kids? And - when is he leaving?)
I'm pleased to announce that I felt NORMAL today! Yay me!
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:28 PM, September 6th (Monday)]
AST... Too funny.. I was fuss'n at you in a dream? Yep that was me!!!
i agree with njgal, tryn has given you great advice...and i understand it is all way more easier said then done...
its amazing how many opportunities you have given him, he is not the man you thought he was...and this i understand way way too well...
do you remember when we all talked to booger everyday to get rid of all her ws's crap that she was holding onto, we told her, you included, one step at a time, one thing at a time...well now it is your turn my friend, one step at a time...so what step will take tomorrow...
allgood: yay you is right, normal is wonderful, i do not remember what that felt like..someday...
we were back in the er today with manchild, this time he fell the other nite playing manhunt, his knee just gave out, it is quite swollen, slightly bruised...xray showed no break, the dr thinks he might have torn his miniscus...if this is the case he might need some surgery..never a dull moment, but at least it is fixable...
i tell my kids over and over and over...if its fixable and curable its allowable...driven home after what happened to uni's daughter...
Oh the JOYS OF BOYS!!!!!
I have 4 of them, broken bones, stitches, etc etc
Thank you everyone, thank you tryn.
I'll see if I can post more tomorrow.
Luv ya all!!
I am so sorry that you cannot get any cooperation from him. You deserve so much better.
From what you post I see a man(?) who cannot ever admit he was wrong. To even comfort you would open the cutain to the horrible way he has/is treating you. The mistakes in his life. It appears that from his actions you are to feel love and act loving to him regardless of his actions or behavior. No matter what he does (or does not) say or does, you are supposed to feel loved. Honest, that is crazy thinking, it makes no sense.
Tryhrd is right. Start with small baby steps, but you can make progress. More so than for any of us, this is not about you. This is his problem. Unfortunately, you are left to extricate youself from the tar baby. So start slow, think what you will need, and let us help you get to there.
I was glad to see a post, I am sorry it never gets any better for you.