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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 19
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish --
You can't be calm if you aren't calm. I was hysterical for MONTHS. Crying 4 or 6 hours a day. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I was pregnant and they had to take the baby early because I lost 10 pounds in my 6th month and she was only 6 1/2 pounds when they took her at 38 weeks -- the baby I'd had 11 months earlier was 9 pounds. And Baby Paddy -- she was 12 pounds at 8 weeks old. Poor girl. She's a MOOSE now. Chunky, jowly cheeks, double chin. Adorable.

Anyway, do what you can do.

Honest --
Has it occurred to you yet that you are sort of an OW? Not morally, but that's how he thinks of and treats all women.
UK is right on the $. Literally and figuratively.
We really do hate to keep 2X4ing you about D -- but this guy is going to screw you over big time when he finally realizes he's not going to get what he wants.

UK - good point about transparency. Then again, we're not in R. He might think we are, but until he gets that woman off his FB page he's going to make 0 progress with me.

NJgal
Thanks. My M was exactly like that too. But it isn't now.
I never thought of it in the "llok how many years you have to build a good marriage" sense. I think of it more in the "I'm too young for this shit." sense.
During the A -- WH always looked sad or annoyed in pictures. Now he looks like he's in love and happy. Big difference.
But I'm so MAD. I know it's a sunk cost. I think I'd be less mad if he'd make a little progress, like taking XHSGF off his facebook.

Miracle -- why so glum?

these women know shit that went on in my marriage that i don't know

Nah. those women know things about pfm. but that wasn't your marriage. you weren't there. you got gipped out of your marriage, that much is true.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a melt down Friday night. I came home from being out with H and other couples, layed on the kitchen floor and sobbed. It's hard seeing happy couples, holding hands, dancing with each other being so close.

It was a triggery weekend as many of you had also. So hugs to everyone, we all need hugs.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good heavens, no fun! I am so sorry. Did it help?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard seeing happy couples, holding hands, dancing with each other being so close

I agree. That's what gets me the most - will I ever have that again? (To be honest - our M wasn't like that for years. But now it just seems all the more unlikely.)

Sorry Fun :(


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to the tribe... {{{LTA}}}

Only have a minute as there's a team of home cleaners coming to 1-time, top-to-bottom clean of sis-i-l's house as the new tenant gets the keys on Wed. I have a few things to move before they can do their job and I'm still in my nightie but as always, SI is my go-to companion.

I'll be so glad to have this over with... Triggers everywhere here... s-i-l & b-i-l have been inlaws from h*** to me but I'm looking at this as a loving task for my FWH and his mom, who I love dearly.

Today is my Bday and I'll see my family for dinner (including 14 month old grandson, IwaM) and we're spending the night at the host hotel for my H's business AGM. We were there for NY's and it's really nice... plus some attendees have become good friends over the yrs.

So, take care all. I'll be lurking when I can.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Lostsuol!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Lostsuol!!

M3: I often have felt that I had become the OW this past year, and not the kind WH would leave for, but the kind to USE, like I'm a booty call. Second best, an option, no longer a priority.

Nofun: I'm sorry you had such a bad trigger. I feel like that all the time. I look at other people, other couples, and although I know that everyone has their own story, I still feel no one had a WH who had a LTA/OW/OC's/ other life.
The worst for me is when I see a couple where the wife is disabled or whatever and the H is helping her with affection and caring. Before dday, WH point blank told me if I got disabled, he'd never leave me, but he would marry another, "Why should I suffer too?" was his response.

I really need to journal and write all this down, again,
I need to see it again to make me stronger.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Mom is disabled. My parents have been married 40 years -- she became disabled just shortly before their 25th anniversary and asked for a divorce because she didn't want to put him through it. Of course, he thought that was ridiculous. He retired early to take care of her. My parents have been faithful to each other, and I know that for a fact because they don't shy away from telling the truth when it's hard to hear. My Mom still believes in true love, which I think is really sweet. I can't say that I ever believed in that.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy birthday lostsoul....glad to hear that you have positive plans in place...

strong: bay steps are the best really, it makes them easier to believe and easier for them to keep them....so yay mr strong...


m3: may i ask why is that woman still on his facebook, haven't you told him she has to go like yesterday!!!

and if your parents have the true love, why don't you believe when you have lived it through them?


fun: i hate those meltdowns...you feel so damned hopeless when in it....what did he do during this???

and yes another here for when i see couples together,..then the cynic i have become sneaks in and wonders if they really are happy, what don't i see....and if i see the man on his cell,..well that usually puts me over that lovely edge..

but thankfully fun, these moments pass, they always do..


ats: i love that your wife is reading and reading...it means she is being proactive...and being nice is always a plus...even when we don't like them...unless of course we need an excuse to slap them upside the head..


honest: i think yo need 2 journals, one for all the nasty he has inflicted and the other for all the $$$ that you need to document...everything he tells you about what he spends on everyone and anyone....


i do not see you as the ow, i see a man who really believes he is so entitled to have as many wives as he sees fit...and cannot understand why you don't see it and go with it...which means he is not all there...you are not dealing with a rational person, you are not dealing with someone who has the ability to see right from wrong, you are dealing with a man who is not a man but a wolf...kind of reminds me of the wolf in red riding hood...can be smooth to get what he wants and has no mercy....and wants what he wants when he wants it...and that sums him up...he has no substance at all....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Lostsoul! Sorry I missed that earlier!


m3: may i ask why is that woman still on his facebook, haven't you told him she has to go like yesterday!!!

and if your parents have the true love, why don't you believe when you have lived it through them?

You know, Miracle, I'm just so tired of this sh!t that I barely have the energy. I can't believe she's still there. I just think my WH can't even buy a clue sometimes. I guess he thinks if he keeps buying things and telling me he loves me and patting me on the head and telling me I'm good to him then he can do whatever he wants.

Well, the truth is, he's going to do whatever he wants no matter what, and I'm sick of being the relationship police. If he doesn't want to be married, that's great! Problem solved.

Ugh.

Are you feeling better?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm just getting back from a vacation and see that I have lots to catch up on. I did read the last few pages and I wanted to send huge hugs to Honest (I'm so sorry your H is such a selfish, callous ass) and to you Miracle for the meltdown you had this weekend. I hope you're feeling better today. Also to Fun, I think we can all relate to your reaction this weekend. Weddings are also so triggery so if you have any coming up in the near future, try to brace yourself and see what you need to do to minimize the pain. My DD was married just 2 1/2 months after d-day and I sat there with tears running down my face as the minister read the vows. We are supposed to enjoy these occasions but all I kept thinking (other than about my H's LTA) was that I hoped her H would never break her heart the way my H broke mine.
((((Honest, Miracle, Fun)))) and to our entire tribe.
M33 - I see you highlighted the comment from Miracle about your parents M but didn't comment back. I was wondering how you would answer Miracle. I think she posed a great question.

ETA - Happy Birthday LostSoul! Enjoy your day.
And welcome back, UKGirl, we missed you!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:39 AM, September 13th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do not see you as the ow, i see a man who really believes he is so entitled

I think the feeling of entitlement is exactly what your H's attitude is all about and it is compounded so much by the religious support for multiple wives.
I find it so interesting that his own family does not support polygamy (I remember you mentioning that a while back) and yet he not only believes in it but is practicing this. Does he have other family members who are involved in multiple M's?
I am currently reading The 19th Wife and I can't help but think of your H and the absolute attitude of entitlement religious support for polygamy instills. How does anyone fight such an attitude?
I often wanted to ask since you say that the OW knew about you, "Does she also believe in polygamy or is she upset and expecting your H to D you? Does she pressure him to leave you or is she satisfied with the arrangement?" I wonder how she really feels and if you talked to her, not taking your H's words for truth , what she would tell you herself.
I know I say this to you all the time but I will say it again, You are an amazingly strong woman and I hope you know how much all of us here care about you and want to support you as you struggle to find peace.
(((((((((Honest))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe.
After reading several pages trying to catch up, I realized I should have taken notes. I am alive and well. I just wanted to post here in part 19 before we move to house # 20. I wonder if this is a record for how quickly the space in this house was used up. A chatty bunch for sure.

One thing I do remember reading is about the camera in the penis stuff. I have experience with that. I was awake and it is pretty strange to watch this done, when it is done to you. Sorry girls but it did not hurt that much. Ats & tryn. Do not be scared. Dreading this procedure is worse than the experience.

I'm sure about right now everyone is real thrilled that dip has posted this information. Maybe my next post will be a little easier to read. Do not count on that though.

Special hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, WH feels entitled, but he also says that I can do whatever I want, whether to accept it or D. No matter what, he will NOT divorce OW.

So, it makes me feel HE wants a D, but doesn't want to initiate it.

There are many reasons that I don't want to go into on an open forum why I don't want to initiate D, most of them financial. But, I'll have to rethink it all because this is NOT a life.

Thank you fnf and all for your support. Sometimes I cannot believe all you wonderful people seem to like me and are supporting me. WH has done a good job at practically destroying my self esteem.

{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

, but he also says that I can do whatever I want, whether to accept it or D.

Of course you can. You are free to take any action you choose, just as your WS did. Only you control you, just has he is the only person controlling his actions. What I read between the lines is not just his huge sense of entitlement, but also his absolute lack of empathy for your feelings.

No matter what, he will NOT divorce OW.

Who knows what the reality is, he may be saying the same thing to his other wife. It sounds as if she is as financially dependent on him as you feel that you are.

((honesttoafault))

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, she definitely is. I'm sure she was after him for his $.

Supposedly he was going to divorce her once and she pleaded with him not to and let her "be a servant for the kids"

Then I hear that OW is after WH for this thing and that, wants a house, wants whatever.

I don't want to talk to her. A language barrier anyway.

This is good for me, the more I'm writing and getting all your feedback, the stronger I feel. I know I should be able to do it myself, but I self doubt so much when it comes to dealing with WH.

He will NEVER see what he's doing. If you talked to him, he would say how good he was treating me!!! He brought us out to eat several times these past 2 weeks!!! He bought me a laptop!!! WOW!!! Look at me, I'm so good!!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf -- Hi! You're right, I didn't answer the question.

Mom and I talked about this the other day. She really does believe in true love and believes she has it. On one hand, she's been married 40 years. On the other, I disagree.

It's not that I don't believe my parents love each other, I know they do.

But I'd say they have tenacity more than true love. Perhaps they are closer to having true love now -- maybe it's the culmination. But frankly, they weren't a whole lot different than miracle and pfm when I was a kid, minus the infidelity. I like to say my father didn't really grow up until he was about 55 -- right around the time Mom's brain damage started dialing her maturity clock back a bit.

So, no, I don't believe in true love. I think love is attraction + compatibility + getting your needs met and if you have at least X amount of each and if the sum of all three is at least Y then, ta da! love. So, if you're really attracted and compatible and you get your needs met at least THIS much = love. Or, if you're really compatible and get almost all your needs met and are attracted just enough = love. Or, if you get many needs met and you're really attracted and you're just compatible enough = love.

I'm confusing myself.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

part 19 in the lta is coming to an end...a new home will await us in "20"...


m3: i have to say you confused me too...and how exactly was your parents marriage like mine was pre d-day.....

and i have to say i still believe in love, after all this shit, i still believe.....i also believe that we go through so many trials and tribulations as people...and to survive it all together and still feel love for that person....well i still believe...

and pre-day, i may not have had a good marriage, but i believed i had that love....i felt i had it and i gave it freely...and only learning most of who he is changed that for me...


honest: you keep posting, and remember how much he lies to you is probably how much he lies to her....and then you really will never know what he tells her, just as she will never know what he tells you....he is a master liar and manipulator and never forget that fact...


fnf: welcome back...how was your vacation??


dip: that was a short visit...i hope those alligators are nippin at ya...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does it say about your situation when you can relate to 12 areas in this forum?

I can't keep up with that many posts.

Since WH has had multi LT EA's and one LTPA, and the LTPA is by far the most painful, I would like to join the "tribe".

It's hard seeing happy couples, holding hands, dancing with each other being so close

I can so relate to that statement but then as we all have learned, nothing is really how it seems.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gosgirl)))

welcome to the lta tribe....and most of us can belong to many forums...and it sucks...

anytime you are ready to share we are here...i read your profile and there are 2 others here who have as many children...and all small like you...allgood and m3....

allgood and her ws are also childhood sweethearts...

too many of can relate on way too many levels, sad really.....and comforting knowing you are not alone...


last post in 19 tribe...so look for 20...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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