SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

a couple of days ago it was DS6's first day of school. I took the time off work to go along.

I arrived at the house and W and DS were waiting outside, she caught me 'looking' at her.... well she was all dressed up and she looked ... really nice.

we walked to the village church, inside it was pretty crowded with all the other parents, aunts, grandparents, and assorted others. So we were all sitted close together, my arm was touching hers, my leg against hers... its the first time ive physically touched her since the day she said she wanted a D.... (2.5 months now).

She stood near me outside the church, and at the school when the older kids were doing their welcome concert. She pointed out a couple to me saying that they were seperated for a while, and are now back together, I didnt know that about them ...

I guarantee that most of the people wouldnt even think we are S the way the morning went. (i doubt too many in the village know at this point... but the news will spread fast now the holidays are over, and the kids start talking)

DS went into class for an hour then we walked with him back home. She invited me to stay for the mid-day dinner. She cooked a simple meal, but it tasted really great....

Just before i had to leave to go back to work i came so close to throwing myself on the floor in front of her and begging her to think about it again, is this what she really wants, why isnt she prepared to even give it one last chance?

i didnt, perhapes only because DS was there bouncing around happily opening up his first day of school package.

The last few days its all i can think about, should i do it.... swallow my pride and make one last ditch effort to try and convince her that the M is worth fighting for.

Should i wait a while longer, give her the chance to see what it will be like trying to raise 3 kids as a single working mom, (shes been on holiday for most of the time snce i moved out, she started back yesterday)

Should i stick to my guns and just wait to see if she approaches me.

I cant help it, the what-if deamon is spining the little wheels in my head...

what if she just doesnt know how to come talk to me and is wanting me to make the first move...

.................

im driving myself crazy

I thought things were progressing reasonably well in R, heck even now we are able to talk and get along. weve only had 1 thing that has had either of us express any anger towards the other since she asked for the D.... and im not avoiding conflict, there just isnt any, we agree on pretty much everything... except the D.

I wasnt happy with where things were going since she asked for the D but i was resigned to it, now all i want to do is go grovelling back to her.

Its a bitter pill to swallow I still love her, i miss her.

If i had one wish right now, it would be that things were like they were.... call me a looney, but thats what i want, i want to lay my head in her lap, have her run her hand over my head, tell me everythings going to be ok, and whisper that she loves me....

Jeeze, i thought it was a tough ask trying to learn to forgive someone after they betrayed you, but at least there you can lean on your love.... but trying to learn to not be in love with someone.... the person you devoted the last 15 years to, the mother of your kids, the person you would have sacrificed just about anything for... perhapes even your own life. that is really tough.

So far im failing miserably at it.

it's tough is an understatement.

Stop thinking about it, do not go down the path of begging or simply asking her again. Sounds to me like you made yourself clear in the past that you wanted to try to make your M work... she still knows that, I'm sure she didn't forget.

You're setting yourself up for more hurt... trust me BTDT too many times.

((((SourCherryDrops))))

It's hardest thing I had to do also was to quit loving him. I will always love the man I married but something changed in him and he made decisions I can't/won't live with. I deserve 100% and so don't you.

NC except kids and finances will help you detach. It's so hard but 180 for yourself.

She may or may not want to do what is necessary to have a healthy R.

I would continue the steps of separation/divorce. It's not what any of us wanted but it takes two to have a good solid M.

Big Hugs, what you are feeling is normal and everyone's timeline is different. Go forward as you feel comfortable.

gma

I want you to know you've been heard.

I think you handled the day very well. Stay the course.

Do not grovel, all you will do is prove to her that she made the right decision. Stay on your path and the 180 that, makes you appear more in control and as such more appealing to her. She is the broken one and she needs to come to terms with herself before any relationship with you can work. Stay stronge.

((((SourCherryDrops))))

Stay on your path and the 180 that, makes you appear more in control and as such more appealing to her. She is the broken one and she needs to come to terms with herself before any relationship with you can work. Stay strong

Sending you peace and love...

SCD,

I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to reconcile - even during or after divorce.

I don't think there's anything wrong with continuing to hold on to some hope for it.

BUT ...

swallow my pride and make one last ditch effort to try and convince her that the M is worth fighting for.

I don't think that we can ever convince the WS that the M is worth fighting for

They either believe it - and fight for the marriage - or they don't.

If there were magic words to convince the WS that an M is worth working and fighting for someone here would have found them and they'd be rich from the book rights, and all of us who desire R would be happily married.

There is a quote about God, but that I think applies to the idea that M is worth fighting for:

For those who don't believe, no proof will suffice. For those who believe, no proof is necessary.

I have known people who divorced and later remarried. So it is possible (perhaps not probable) for people to later decide that a M was worth the effort.

But it is a decision they must come to on their own.

I want my husband to come back. I desperately want to R.

But I know that I cannot "convince" him. If he realizes the value of our marriage and that it is worth the effort that will be an amazing blessing. But if he does not then we are both better off apart than we are trying to be together.

It is tough and painful all the way around.

scd, we cannot convince them they're making a mistake. I know, even after anything we're in this spot where we just wish. . . wish they'd give it a chance, wish for one more try.

Hang in there. I wish I had more to offer.

Don't beg, don't grovel. IF she wants a real shot at R she'll figure out a way to get there without you taking the first step. And she should. IF the M can work, she has to be willing to make great effort, take great chances, not look pretty enough that you'll do it for her.

It's tough and I respect you for caring that much, for feeling for the woman you married in spite of all she has done. But respect yourself enough to not beg.

(((hugs))) and a punch in the arm... because I grew up with brothers and they always said it was how they said "I care."

Wh has been deployed and we haven't seen one another in a year.

He isn't of sound mind (PTSD, traumatic brain injury and mind-numbing depression. The rest of their reserve unit is home and he's stuck in a wounded warrior program and being told by all his pysch doctors to NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS. That is he NOT LIVING IN REALITY.

By phone, he told me that he wanted a D and didn't want to even try to work on the M. I said, "I do not want a divorce and would be willing to go to counseling, but I accept your decision".

I tell you this because I will never ever tell him that again. He knows me. He knows my heart. Even in his insanity at the present time, I am completely sure he knows that I do not want this.

Now, when we see each other again, (whenever that is...he could be there another 6 months, who knows?) He would have to be the one to bring up the subject. NOT ME.

Stay strong SLD!! She knows your heart and could change situation is she had wanted to change it.

Another thing: I am NC with him. We don't even really communicate about finances and children, as I have that covered.

HE KNOWS what a good wife I am and still wants to walk.

It's just not my problem anymore, nor do I want to be married to a person that values me so little.

thank you all,

In particular the point caregiver raised is something i guess i had lost sight of.

For any future possible R to even stand a chance she would have to be capable of making the first move in the current situation, yes it might be hard for her to overcome, but there are probably many many more obstacles on the R road that would require the same or greater effort, if she isnt willing or able to tackle this one then there is little hope for a truely succesfull outcome for a R.

I dont want her back if she is not willing to work on the M. I dont want to find myself back here in 5 or 10 years because i allowed her to rug sweep.

But i wish she would come to me and ask for my help, be willing to accept it, I was not asking her to repair the M on her own. I would happily shoulder as much of the load as i could carry....

I wish i could understand how she weighs up the benifits vs the costs of staying in the M. It would seem She is using a wildly different value system to me... so i just cant see how it adds up.... that or there are some costs that im not aware of.

SouthernGal, i know that your right, I cannot convince her that the M is worth fighting for, in fact, i think id be correct in saying if i tried, it would have the opposite effect, partly because of how id try to go about it, partly because of the existing predjudices and 'filters' that my W hears what im saying through.

I didnt crumble, and the urge is fading, for now.

Im trying to move on with my life... one small snail step at a time. My appartment isnt so empty now thanks to me maxing my Overdraft, but most of the stuff is still in boxes, im finding it very difficult to actually find the time to get anything done. its not like im sitting there in front of a TV... the TV ive got isnt hooked up, i dont know if ill even keep it. Its just with work, sport, time with the kids, and running my 'household' there is bugger all time left over.

I want to get my place looking nice before the next time the kids come for the weekend... show her that im moving on. I know she will be envious of the things ive bought.... and how ill have it decorated, our tastes in that regard are very similar. In the past i allways defered to her spending on the kids or herself. Its a funny paradox that now although i dont have a lot to live on, i have significantly more to spend on myself or for things i want than i ever had in the 14 years of marriage.