SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First off, I have to say "Thank You" to all that post on this forum. This is the most difficult thing that both BH and I have ever dealt with in our lives. We experience so may confusing emotions so to have a resource readily available to us is helpful and encouraging in our process to R.

That said, it is also comforting to know I have a place to go to when I need to express my feelings, right, wrong, or indifferent.

BH is getting angry more frequently. Now that some of the shock is wearing off, he is beginning to process many of the details. I don't blame him for getting angry. His anger is justified. But this is a man that would rarely get upset let alone angry. The angry BH side of him is frightening, not because I think he would hurt me, but because I have never seen or interacted with him before until now. I have no idea how to respond to him. I become dumb-founded and speechless (something that makes him even more angry). We are starting to figure out how to handle these situations more productively. We are both committed to riding the wave until we both feel reasonably satisfied with the outcome of the argument. Some things I have learned here (which hopefully will help some others in the same situation) are to be specific in what I am apologizing for when he is feeling down, reaching out and touching him even when I question whether he really wants me to, and when he triggers and gets angry that I need to grab the bull by the horns and let him know I am aware of the trigger and then explain my feelings about the trigger (and again apologize for how I made him feel about that situation). I can't wait for him to explain to me what is bothering him. The conversation then becomes too one-sided.

Here's the problem:

The emotional roller coaster that I have created is confusing and exhausting. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like a rag doll. A child's favorite rag doll that they love so much they can't stand to be separated from it. The doll gets dragged around through out the day. Kicked and thrown about. Dragged through mud and muck by the few hairs that are still left. Stained and torn in places. No amount of washing will ever make it look or feel new again. But at the end of the night, the doll is a precious thing. It's laid down gently on the bed and told how much it is loved. It is hugged and held. Just for the moment forgetting about new stains and tears that have been created. Some days the doll is treated with love and care throughout the day, but it knows there's more mud and thistles outside that await. It has fear of what each day will bring, longing for that special moment when it can be the most precious thing again, but always wondering when or if it will be tossed aside because the child has grown tired of it.

I am wading through the muck, mud, and thistles and longing for the relief of bedtime.

(((walkingoneggshells))) That's one of the most touching analogies I've seen.

I'm sure his anger is frightening to him too. I'm sure you're frightening to him . Try to remember as hard as it is to see parts of him you never have before it's horrifying for him to have seen parts of you that were capable of hurting him so bad.

I've followed your posts and you two seem to be doing an amazing job of reaching out to each other.

I'm so sorry you both are hurting. Have you shared this with him? Sharing your struggles as a WS with your BS, as long as you do it like you posted here accepting the responsibility completely but communicating your pain and sorrow beautifully, can actually bring you closer together. It's intimacy and that's a vital component of any successful marriage.

Definitely take the pro active approach and acknowledge the trigger and pain before he has to point it out to you. I've seen so many BS's state on this site how helpful it is when their WS does this.

I am a BS but come in peace. LOL

I am entering into the anger stage myself. It is scary. I know that I have anger issues and that is when I lash out, anyway, One of the things that contributed to my marriage being in shambles. It is very scary for me to deal with the anger.

One of the best things my husband did for me was to continually communicate. He felt like he had tried to talk me through it but then it would go into a fight. ( I am good at picking them when I want to) I also am good at turning them around onhim and making them his fault, no matter).

He stepped back. I usually go outside and sit on swing when I want to talk or something is wrong. It is our code around the kids. I started going out there so I wouldn't blow up at them. He comes out to check on me, see if I want to talk, but if he senses I don't, he gives me about 5 or 10 min. to calm and just be. It helps. The first time he did it, he came and sat down and asked if I was ok. Then he asked if he did ok and if that was ok to do. It had worked. Plus, knowing he was actively looking for a way to handle the situation and help me to not go off was a big thing for me. He even asked how long he should wait to come out. He wants to do exactly what I need him to do. Plus, by him asking, I know he truly cares.

Maybe he needs to hit a tennis ball (hard) or throw darts, or beat the mattress with a bat, or hit a golf ball at the driving range. Maybe he needs to go on a walk with you (don't talk until he is ready. Just be there unless he needs to be alone) or a bike ride or just sit on a park bench. It is a scary thing for you and for him. When you are talking about it during one of the calm, good times, ask him what he thinks would be good and try it. If it doesn't help try something else. Just knowing you are trying to help him though, will be medicine to his heart.

Hang in there. Your doll analogy was touching. Keep up the hard work.

I'll echo what uncertainone said. In the days after D-Day my own anger scared the hell out of me. I checked myself into a hotel. When yaja begged me to come home, I had to tell him that I was afraid to because I feared that I might physically harm him. Actually, my exact words were, "You do realize that I might stab you in the throat in the middle of night with a kitchen knife?" Having already witnessed me literally stomp his blackberry to pieces on the front steps, he got the point and didn't ask again.

The anger doesn't last, and your BS's doesn't seem as extreme as what some go through but it can be so difficult for the BS to manage and hard for the WS to bear. It gets better, but it is prone to come back.

Just keep doing the wonderful job you seem to be of validating his pain. The more he knows that you hear the pain behind the anger, the faster it will dissipate.

(((WalkingOnEggshelz)))

I hear you Walkin' and I love you. Sometimes I get scared to, but I know we can make it through this together.

"You and me together, we can do anything baby" Dave Matthews

WOES,

Can I ask you what was going through your mind when OM arrogantly confessed about you and him and your husband staggered away..and you let him?

I can only imagine how shocked you were.

floridaredman,

That initial scene is actually a topic of conversation that comes up fairly frequently. It is a scene I play over and over in my head to try to make sense of my reaction. I have a couple of factors here that make the details a bit "fuzzy." The first is that the 3 of us had all been drinking pretty heavily (a recipe for disaster for sure!). The second is the shock factor. Looking back on it now, I am really disgusted with myself for handling it all the way I did. I had been promised a lot by the OM. He would promise to me that if we were caught it would be me and him til the end. I really thought I loved him. I thought he had my best interest at heart. I put a lot of faith in him. I was also, at that time, feeling the sheer exhaustion of trying to lead this double life. It was confusing. When I was home with my husband, I felt that I was crazy to even think of leaving. Whenever I was around the OM I felt so drawn to him. So, when OM let the cat out of the bag, I had several things going on at once. The first was disbelief at what he was actually saying. Then a wave of relief hit me...I wasn't going to have to lie anymore. I also felt paralyzed. It wasn't until BH turned the corner before I could move again. BUT, then the OM turned on his charm and it seemed so much easier not to follow my BH. Little did I know what was ahead of me. I was still thinking that this fantasy that I made for myself had a happy ending. The magnitude of the whole situation didn't hit me until I came home and BH immediately kicked me out after admitting to loving OM. The look on his face and my children's as I walked out the door will forever be tattoo'd in my mind. I realize now, that OM only had his best interest at heart all along.That particular moment is something that I regret every bit as much as the A itself.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 10:22 PM, September 6th (Monday)]

WOES-

I just keep reading your first post about the rag doll. It is my life on a daily basis. It is oddly bittersweet because I know that BH loves me very much, but you never know what the day will bring emotionally.

Just a point...

I thought at first the rag doll was referring to what your husband had been through.

WOES,

Thank you for your explanation. I understand completely.

Your double life imploded right in front of you and you were stuck between choosing the fantasy or real life. Opting for the fantasy seemed the safe route, especially since OM had filled you up with rainbow rivers and golden skies.

I've been there, but nothing knocks you out of fantasy land like a swift dose of reality.

It is then you can see the damaged caused and you allowed yourself to become a weapon of destruction to your marriage..instead of it's protector and guardian.

It is this realization that caused me the most pain when I was wayward..and it is that pain that keeps me from becoming that weapon again.

Keep NC and stay transparent, open and honest. I can see your remorse and that is one of the key factors for a successful reconciliation

I'm kinda with coping_girl on the sentiment that I thought the rag doll was the BS, as well.

I can see where both BS and WS might both feel this way.

I tend to feel like that when I start seeing myself through the actions of my WH.

HOWEVER, I firmly know that I do not need to look outward to feel loved and precious. That is something, at the end of the day, I must find within myself. Or else I likely have made the same choices my WH did and seek that feeling from someone else.

It is a tough road and one you must do alone. Both WS and BS. TO find that which is lovely in ourselves and have knowledge that we are masterpieces, each of us. THEN, and only then can we share that with another.

"WE MUST FIRST BE OUR OWN BEFORE WE CAN BE ANOTHERS"

~ Emerson

WOES ~

Right now, all I have to say is you've been given an amazing gift..your BH replying to your own thread telling you how much he loves you....priceless....I'm getting teary eyed....

Thank you everyone for your comments. First of all have have to agree with MissesJai. I have been given an amazing gift in my BH. He is a wonderful man that I am so very lucky to have. I am grateful that I can see that now.

Another comment struck me regarding loving myself. This is something I am working on. I have a long history of requiring validation and during my dating years often looked for it through the company of men. I am completely aware I have self esteem issues. Hating myself for what I have done to BH doesn't help that much either. I am slowly growing as a person, but I have a lot of work to do!