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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest...

it sounds as if you are getting some insight into your husband and how he operates....
It also sounds as if you have wonderful sons...kind, loving, intelligent, caring... you are a wonderful mother... you did a super job raising them...
and maybe you made bad choices when you married or maybe it was just a string of bad luck...
I'm beginning to see more and more that life is often not fair... that good things do happen to bad people and bad things definitely do happen to good people.
Honest..you are a good person... and these men have done some very crappy stuff to you...
but, you will survive this betrayal... and you will thrive...
you deserve to be happy and I predict that you will be!

Iwant...

I agree with you about your husband and Honest's H... since their behaviors began before they even married they never truly 'connected' to the marriage...
In my case ..my husband was also 'disconnected' throughout our marriage...but, not due to OW...for the majority of years it was alcohol and his drinking buddies and basically just plain selfishness... he was still leading the single life if he wanted... and then could 'connect' to the marriage when he wanted...he knew he could count on me to be the 'rock' at home with the kids and household..etc.
and so... to then 'disconnect' even further with the MOW...well, that wasn't that much of a stretch because he was checked out for much of the marriage already.
I compare it to that surge protector we all use with our computers...the one with all the electrical outlets in it? well, have you ever plugged a lamp into one of those... but, not totally... and if someone moved the wire...then the light would flicker on and off because the plug was nt firmly plugged in...
that's how I picture my husband...he was connected but at times loosely... other times he was plugged in...
but..he is firmly attached now! It surprises me at times how different he is now...and all the changes he has made in himself since since d-day...

Laura...

I totally understand your need to want to know it all...That is me...
I have a lot of info. about the affair...but, I got a lot of it when I went bezerk post d-day and called the MOW, MOWs husband and all their co-workers and bosses etc.
Each person I spoke to gave me a few more puzzle pieces...(of course MOWs husband gave me the most info.). And then I would confront my H with the info and he would be forced to tell me even more of the story. Going to AA has helped him with his honesty as well..he will not lie to me anymore..about anything.
But... at this point...3+ yrs post d-day he cannot handle discussing the LTA anymore...eventhough I can always come up with new questions and thoughts on the subject! I am going to back off for awhile.
I really do have the story..including a very deatiled timeline of his 5 yr LTA..places, dates, and what happened (he could do this due to the routine of the work conferences etc. that they went to together)
Do I have the whole story? No...but, I do have a lot more info than the average BS.
I needed it because I could not get over the 5 yrs of lies.... I also hated that the MOW knew everything for those 5 yrs and I knew nothing of her! well...now I know a lot about her...
so.. Laura... I totally understand where you are coming from.
I hope your husband is able to satisfy your need for honesty and openness about the LTA.

Ats..

I don't know... this does not sound good to me.. it sounds as if she is not trying...
this issue is common with middle aged women..the loss of desire..but, any doctor will tell her that 'if you don't use it you lose it!' when it comes to sex..especially for women... and the advice they give women is to just do it! often once you get started you really enjoy it...it's just that lack of push at the beginning....
and..being a WS you need to be extra loving, extra attentive...to try to help the BS with those self esteem issues... yes, intellectually we know the LTA was not about us or about any lack in us but..when the WS does not seem sexually turned on well... where does our mind go?
she definitely needs to talk about all of this in IC and maybe MC... or even sex therapy...
remember ATS... everything that I have read about women and infidelity seems to say that it is NOT about sex for the women...they'll have sex... and even try to lure the OM into it with sex...but what the women want is the feeling of power over these guys..the attention... the feeling that they are so wanted etc...
they could almost care less about the sex...

alexa...

glad to hear that you are seeing an attorney to deal with the paternity of the OC. remember..the truth will set you free...it's better to find out now and know what you are dealing with rather than brush it under the rug.....

Ukgirl...
Sorry that the anniversary brings out so much sadness and anger in you....
next year..maybe plan a trip away for that date..to avoid it altogether....and, the trigger of her name? totally understand that too...
I thought I was over that one... but a few weeks ago we were watching a movie and the wife's name was the same as the MOW... for the rest of the movie I felt uncomfortable and triggery everytime her name was mentioned....it didn't help that there was somewhat of an infidlelity theme in the film as well...
yuck...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nj480
they could almost care less about the sex...

And yet there was more time each month (2-6 hours), almost as many individual sessions (2x a month), engaged in sex with the OM, more arousal from what she said with OM than with me the BH she wants to R with...

I have never had complaints or indications I lacked in being a sex partner. FWW and I had great sex up until we were married. It has been 20 years of her putting it off till finally during her A we were essentially asexual. I have talked about this with her, offered suggestions for scheduling, timing, stay-cations, etc. She needs to figure this one out. I have also told her it is one of my deal-breakers. The other night she said she could still love me even if she did not feel like sex; she could do things to me. I made it clear that is not what I have in mind as a rewarding sex life.

Iíll chalk this up to preoccupation with the trip to her family this weekend and her work, but thatís the problem isnít it? I come last. Why invest time with a relationship and marriage with me when she can find an OM to be available on her terms at her beck and call?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

I'm attempting to reconcile because I want to do everything I can to save this marriage, to give WH the chance to make me happy, to give my kids the best world they can have.

WH is doing very little. He's acting like an invested member of the household. He's around if I want sex. He's willing to stick around and sometimes not be defensive (or at least recognize his defensiveness). He's going to MC. He says he's looking at the WHYs, etc.

The secret of the not bothering me is the Plain of Lethal Flatness, the benefits of 180, and plain old I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. He's a lying liar, so he lies because that's what lying liars do. Plus, I'm just so tired. And I don't care anymore. Put a fork in me.

My MC told me 2 1/2 weeks ago (the day after DDay#2 when I found out that he continued his A until the end of May instead of Jan. 10, as he claimed at the time) to STOP IT. To let WH do whatever he wanted with the M, and with himself. To give it three months. To really focus on myself, my needs and my kids in the meantime and then re-evaluate to see whether I am getting what I need from this M.

So, once again I worked really hard, because that is what I do. I went through all my rambling journal entries, I read "personal mission statements" I had done to figure out who I am and where I want to go (prior to DDay#1), went online to see what I'm missing, and came up with an EXTENSIVE list of needs. (Yep, did that!) Some are being met, some are not. A few of those by WH, many not. I asked the MC in my one-on-one specifically about sharing my needs and boundaries ("I will divorce you immediately if...") with WH, and he said no, not for three months. To be sure that I knew what those things were but to just let WH do what he thinks this M needs right now and then re-evaluate. Because WH will do whatever I ask (or at least he will claim he's doing it) because it's pretty obvious that he's desperate to hold on to me. But MC further said that he feels WH will not change permanently, just until the crisis has passed. Because it's equally obvious that WH is lazy and selfish.

So the clock is ticking. And WH is not coming through. And so I'm just gradually disconnecting and caring less and less.

Does not sound good. But I'll give it three months.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell: what about love?...do you still love your husband?

i do not believe you are in the plain of lethal flatness...not entirely, i read lots of anger, just beneath the surface but very evident...(i could be wrong though)

i disagree with your ic...why should you wait 3 months...your husband has PROVEN without a shadow of a doubt that he incapable of good choices, why would he NOW????

your ws has no boundaries, bad attitude and little regard for doing the right thing....he needs the tools to fix what is broken and he needs boundaries to know where he can no longer go, and if he does go, what his consequences will be...letting you both go in limbo to me serves no purpose...

does he think he will hit the bottom and suddenly come to his senses and be remorseful

does he think that at 3 months you will be in a more rational place in which to respond

does he think that your marriage is over nad you need 3 months for him to hang himself, because he sees him incapable of change

i am lost as to this 3 month mark while nothing is asked of him, and you sit and wait...

imo, and i am not an authority, i was advised to wait 6 months to make any life altering choices...otherwise i was to make new boundaries for him to follow, give him my list of dealbreakers and tell him what i needed to heal....ic was on the list...not just mc but ic...ic is way more important then mc in the beginning especially, to have a lta and carry on with a double life for such a length period there are some serious issues that need ic, these issues have no place in mc...

at the end of 6 months, if you still feel strongly to make a life altering decision, then go for it, otherwise it is and will be a work in progress for a long long time.....

I'm just gradually disconnecting and caring less and less.

this takes time...sometimes in the beginning there is a numbness, not that there is indifference, but numb...you reach almost a breaking point and the body and mind shut down from everything, and at this point the bare minimum is what you use to survive, you use your children as motivation to just get out of bed on some mornings, and there are some mornings that not even that is enough...that is numb...

wow, i just had a light bulb moment, for the longest time, til this moment actually i always thought the plain of lethal flatness was indifference...now i recognize that it is the numbness....

then i apologize, yes you might very well be in this state nell....

indifference is where you are completely detached...this is the one i am aiming for.....and this is what i thought til this moment was that plain of lethal flatness...

wow, still learning...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with the "do I love him" question. Frankly, I have absolutely no idea. I've built reinforced walls between us now after finding out about the continuing affair (over now, he claims) and there's just no feeling right now. I do remember before DDay#1 deciding to work really hard to make our marriage better when it was obvious that there was Something Wrong but I can't remember what the feelings were behind that. Did I do it out of love or out of duty? I honestly can't remember. I wish I could. I wish I could tap into that feeling, because it would give me some insight into my current feelings, I think. But I just can't remember.

WH and I get along really well. We have common backgrounds and we laugh together and work well together. I understand him. I get along with all but a couple people in his family. I love our family (as a unit, if you know what I mean). I just don't know if I love the man. Or rather, the man he could be if he dropped the selfishness/defensiveness thing and quit trying to control everything to benefit him.

WH saw his IC all throughout his affair. He no longer sees that guy. We have an MC who deals with infidelity, and WH has had several one-on-one sessions with him. I trust the MC, I really do. I don't know if the three months thing is so the MC can continue to work with WH (in other words, to benefit WH and therefore the M) or because he saw what I was going through and saw that I needed some rest (in other words, to benefit me). But I do trust him there. And it fits in my own internal "no decisions for one year after DDay#1 timetable... I'm too fresh, again, to know which way I'm spinning.

I'm gathering info, researching, but it's to benefit me so I can analyze all the information and come to a smart decision.

I need to go see my own IC. Obviously. Obviously I need to figure myself out.

Thanks for the probing, IWAM. Thinking, thinking...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in & say Hi to all, so:

Hi!

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know y'all probably want an update. I've realized I've been using SI to avoid conflict with WH. Soooo... I will update once I've hashed it all out with him, but I've vowed no journaling, SI posts about me or talking to friends until we've gotten through my recent concerns. I think it will help for me to have no other outlet for release.

So, I guess the update is "not there yet."

Nell -- I think the 3 months is more like Miracle's path of least regret. MC is saying wait it out a while (not long) maybe MC (from individual with your WH) has a feeling one of you might make a rash decision right now that you'd later regret out of hurt or anger and that a short de-escalation is in order?

Did MC explain the "3 months" to your satisfaction? If not, ask again.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is my anger really so apparent? Yikes. I'm angry about a few things. Mostly I'm angry at 14-years-ago me for saying yes when he asked me to marry him, and for current me for not knowing what to do now. (Or maybe knowing what to do but being afraid to do it? Or not.) Time for yoga and/or a really long, fast walk with the dog.

I'm the opposite of rash, so if that's the 3-month thing then it's definitely for WH (who is prone to rash, bad decisions... obviously). But it's been given as a directive to me, not to WH. WH doesn't know that I've been told to do this. I have been the only one focused on healing all of us from this crisis that WH brought on us. I have not been centered or in touch with myself.

I trust this MC, as I've said. I feel like he's on my side and he understands our M dynamic and is holding WH's feet to the fire the way no one else has done (and the way I would do if WH listened/reacted to me/my needs). If nothing else, focusing on me and my kids for 3 months is a task that I can complete, which makes me feel as if I am actively working on healing and that has psychological benefits.

I don't know. I just don't know. However, if anyone would like solutions to THEIR problems, I have no problem brainstorming and pulling theories and solutions for other people out of the air.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood
fnf
fun
honest
m3
njgal


you all have pm's again....

and responses again asap would be soooo appreciated..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

got very little time again...so short and sweet, bbl to expound if someone else doesn't beat me to it..

m3 thanks for the un-update...

nell: with the anger: it takes one to know one...anger is inevitable for all of us, there is sooo much to be angry about insn't there...as much as each of us has different story, the basics are the same for us all, kind of why this is an amazing group the dynamics that we share are not exactly common, or i should say as out in the open, im thinkin its a lot more common then i would have believed at one time..

i am glad that you trust your mc...i am sure his reasons are valid, if you ever have the inclination, ask him, and let us know what he says is the rationale behind it if you don't mind sharing....i am curious and always open to something new...


I have been the only one focused on healing all of us from this crisis that WH brought on us. I have not been centered or in touch with myself.

the only people that you need to concern yourself with are your kids and you...and healing their mom needs to be a top priority for them....no matter how much of a front we put on, i believe they always sense it when mom is off....for me, i am still a long way off but i am at the point where i am functioning, not at full capacity, thankfully that they do not notice, (teens thank god are too wrapped up themselves to notice the little things)....but the bigger things even for the longest time i just couldn't do, i felt so depleted and had nothing left for anyone, including my kids...now even though i am still depleted i am beginning to fill my own well.....and each step i take brings the level up a step...and i dont think i realized just how fucking deep this well is, so many damned steps...but i do feel better with each one...i feel more empowered even on some of them....

so fill your well nell....(look out dr seuss)


eta: hi to you to allgood..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:21 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in with the tribe...

I'm just gradually disconnecting and caring less and less.

I think this is what I'm working on as well. WH has noticed it and he is not very happy about it. In my head I'm thinking "tough love." IC/MC and I talked about how I feel pressure from WH to always do/act the way he wants me to, to make his life easier/happier. So she wants me to concentrate on acting more like "myself" and see how WH reacts. Did some stuff a little outside the box for me yesterday...bought some lingerie that I would normally not even consider for trip with WH tomorrow. This is part of my plan to reinstate our sex life. So, we'll see if WH can be happy with a better sex life but with me being more disconnected. I think that will tell me a lot about what the future holds for me and our M.

My IC/MC also recommended that I wait 6 mos. before making any major decisions. I have to say that I'm grateful she did as it took the pressure off of me to make a drastic change while I was still in shock. We are now 3 mos. post-DDay and I can honestly say that I shift not just daily, but hourly sometimes in my opinion about whether we're going to make it. WH would be happy to just muddle through as we did before but I am no longer willing to accept his emotional unavailability (learned that term from another SI thread). If he can't make BIG changes in how he relates to me and our M then I will have to decide if I'm willing to accept that/him for the remainder of our M or if I walk.

WH came home from a business trip last night whining about how busy he is, the stress he's under (including the fact that he has to accept that he is not "in control" of what is happening with us) and I think he was expecting me to just say what he wanted me to say to make him feel better....nope, not gonna happen. I'm not going to say ILY just to make him feel better. Before the A I would have bent over backward to ease his stress, now I see that this is a situation of his own making and I'm not going to clean up his "mess."


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,
RE: big babies. WH started a new job on Monday (with a prestigious company making a lot of money in his field, thank ya very much) and threw a big baby temper tantrum Tuesday before work because it's not The Perfect Job. In the past, I would have reacted emotionally to him and tried to soothe him or talk him up. Yesterday I asked, "Is there anything I can do?" And he said no. So, okay, have a good day and I left. That was it. Making him own his feelings and self-soothe.

At least I hope that's what he's doing. He could just as easily have stopped somewhere and purchased a brand-new pre-paid phone and let the OW soothe him. If so, he's screwed and he knows it. (And that doesn't bother me. Which bothers me!)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

, she stepped up.

Don't know if she listened to what I said, read my post here, or just got lucky, but last night FWW said and did the right things.

INN & Strongish, I initially commited to MC and staying with FWW for 3 months to get through the holidays and try to figure out WTF happened. That got extended to 6 months, and 6 months ended up being about the worst period for us, I extended my commitment to so long as we are making headway. My rolling commitment now is that I will stay until I get proof of a NC violation or another A, or two consecutive months of not working out, back-sliding, etc. I have appreciated the opportunity to get to know the real person I am M too rather than my inaccurate perception. So much the better that it feels like things may work out as well with this person as I had hoped they would when I got married.

m334455, I feel like it is the end of the TV season and I have to wait all summer to see how it turns out.

UKgirl, nice to hear from you, your posts seem sadder than a few months ago. Is it just the anniversary and all the travel, or did I miss something?

NJgirl480, thanks for the reminder. I know the sex was not what she was in the A for. I think this is just another example of I have always been the only one she was willing (or allowed her to) disappoint.

Hi iwam, fnf, nofun, honesttoafault, allgood, alexa71 and old_dipstick

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:48 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
I'm glad you are feeling positive about your relationship with your WW. Thank you for sharing that. I can tell you love her deeply. (And I'm oddly jealous of you for having that feeling.) I can also see how deeply you are hurt, and I admire you just for your strength to get out of bed each morning and face whatever that day may bring.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea Mrs. ATS!

m3 thanks for the un-update...

If you think about it, it's a huge update in an important way.

To finally (duh) recognize I'm just conflict-avoiding via all my venting, and to realize it by myself is huge.

Did schedule joint IC session with WH on the 1st -- but my IC doesn't want it to be a "couples" thing per se, he wants WH's insight on my bipolar, historically and now as well as WH's vision of the future in general.

Fear not, ATS, the season premiers are starting all over TV right now.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

2 things:

1. YAY MRS ATS

2.

I have appreciated the opportunity to get to know the real person I am M too rather than my inaccurate perception. So much the better that it feels like things may work out as well with this person as I had hoped they would when I got married.

WOW, holy shit, holy cow WOW....what an amazingly wonderful thing to say, perception to have and totally loving action on your part...

when i grow up i think i may want to be YOU...



strong:

Did some stuff a little outside the box for me yesterday...bought some lingerie that I would normally not even consider for trip with WH tomorrow. This is part of my plan to reinstate our sex life. So, we'll see if WH can be happy with a better sex life but with me being more disconnected. I think that will tell me a lot about what the future holds for me and our M.

1. what you are doing here is something that he should be jumping for joy for, this is not something that can be percieved as anything other then a need, desire and want on your part to connect in a sexual way...not exactly something to put him on any kind of defensive mode or anything other then happy

2. can you really disconnect from the sex....and would he recognise this...

a long long time ago, after i became a hole when our sex life resumed i did disconnect on some levels, there was a def difference in me with him, he noticed, but still never cared enough to do anything about it...i also didn't know obviosly that he was really in the thick of fucking 2 other women at the very least, and working on fucking a few more....and one of them was the "one" he loved...


nell:

In the past, I would have reacted emotionally to him and tried to soothe him or talk him up. Yesterday I asked, "Is there anything I can do?" And he said no. So, okay, have a good day and I left. That was it.

next time ignore, ignore, ignore...totally ignore...that is the proper way to treat any temper tantrum ....but yay you for already doing it differently...


m3:

To finally (duh) recognize I'm just conflict-avoiding via all my venting, and to realize it by myself is huge.

i do not see this, i am sorry...if that is what this is about then i don't see it...instead i see maybe you are withdrawing in a way from the conflict of us telling you what we think you need to do and you taking the time you may or may not need to either do it or figure something else out...

and that is ok if that is what you need to do to process and make your decisions, choices and do what you feel is best at the end of it........

gotta go, scrawny boy need the pc for h,w...

bbl


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe:

Well, I had the dreaded talk. I told H the hardest part of this whole thing was having sex with him and the mind movies. At first he got defensive and told me that I should leave the marriage if that was how I felt. I was calm, and told him, "that is not the correct thing to be saying and I know that is not what you really mean." He got calm and he actually started to talk. He said that he can sense and feel when I'm not into it and it makes him sad. He said that I am all he wants and he was sorry for the disrespect. He said not only did he disrespect me but he disrespected himself.

He told me that the sex with OW was actually gross. So why would he tell me in the beginning of this whole ordeal that it was exciting and now it was gross. Why can't he just say the truth. It's not like it was a ONS....it went on for years!!!!! I'm pissed on one hand and then I'm thankful he at least talked to me.

I told him that if he could just tell me the truth it would help me to heal. Why is it so hard to understand that?

Well, it's more than I've gotten for a long while and he said he was really trying hard and he just wishes I could see it. Poor bastard!!! I'd hate to be him!!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dropping in to say hi.

Ats, what a wonderful post. I am so happy for you. You guys have come a long way. I'll keep praying for you.

M3 when you said that your venting was a way of conflict avoiding, a lightbulb went off for me. I don't know if that is what you were doing, I agree with Miracle, but I do believe that I do that often myself. Your words made me realize that I do that myself. I complain, and vent and then end up not doing anything!!

That's what so good about this thread, other people write thier thought processes and we respond and help as much as we can, but there are a lot of similar emotions we are going through, so even if we are "venting" it helps others!

Love to all of you.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: He is making progress - that's great! And... so are you - I know it's hard to approach him when you suspect it will only end in your disappointment (I have the same problem here), but you did it! Good for you!

I have effectively given up on Mr. Allgood in ths regard. He is too selfish or whatever to provide significant emotional support. I'm glad you are having more progress.

Funny thing is, I'm not really bothered about this. I'm just throwing my hands up in the air like I just don't care. Lol. (Actually, I have a long term plan now which makes my day to day a lot easier.)

Hope everyone else is doing ok - I'm skimming here & there, but I get so emotionally upset sometimes when I read here that it throws me into a tailspin.
I do think about all of you often tho.
Night all


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: you sound wonderful...almost at peace with your approach, like you know what you gotta do, you swallow hard and "see" beyond his stupidity.....and know that if you want change it may just have to start with you...so way to go woman....and yes it sucks that he is the one who fucked up royally and you still need to compensate for his diffiencies...

as to the gross sex..i dont buy that one either...it is possible that he doesnt view the sex as gross but his actions...that would actually be a lovely perception for him to have....


allgood: i am sorry you are giving up on mr allgood in this respect...some people need retraining and i could def understand the giving up on it....but i still hold out hope....even if you do not...

would love to hear more of this "plan"...

honest: i am soo soo happy that you checked in...please please keep posting, even if its just for a quick hi...you need to stop isolating yourself....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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