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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I stopped hoping my wife of 23 years was going to become an honest partner. I also gave up hoping I would remember her with fondness and compassion.

About 18 months or so ago I posted my story in a different thread, for the partners of sex addicts. She is that, of course and also a gambling addict. But that isn't the story. Her addiction started with on line pornagraphy and progressed to on line trolling for men, men have never been hard for her to find and from her point of view I'm sure she felt successful. She is a chronic and compulsive liar, addiction fosters that, and a damaged soul.

I have never heard truth from her on the issue, only denial and blaming me but I have seen plenty of hard evidence including communications, travel arrangements, etc. etc. In the process she picked up with one man in particular who lives 1000 miles away, is married, and travels in his work. She has flown or driven to meet him many times in that year and a half.

OK so far you are saying: Stop, you are an idiot. Well thats a given I guess but read on if you have the time.

A few years before we met, WW had been diagnosed with breast cancer, in those days radical mastectomy was a treatment of choice and the one she opted for. The doctors said it was "in situ" and they had gotten it all so she was "cured". Maybe they didn't know it then but estrogen driven breast cancer is never "cured". About 11 years later in 1992 or so her doctor found cancer in her other breast. Another radical mastectomy and chemo therapy which seemed promising because no signs of cancer again until 2002 when they found some cancer near her lungs. This tested to be the estrogen driven breast cancer that had developed in the lung area. The new estrogen blocking drugs were applied and we seemed cancer free for the next 7 years. Until April 2010.

WW has always valued her appearance and has always been an attractive woman. About 2 1/2 years ago, her cancer seemed at bay, she started exercising and tanning and once again started focusing on her physical appearance. I supported that because I also thought exercise and weight loss was very healthy for her. Little did I know where it was going. Once she achieved her wieght goals and was tanned and toned, on the prowl she went. In the process, taking up with men, and especially the one I mentioned earlier.

About April of this year she came back from one of her "trips" in severe pain. Surgical exploration showed she has a significant stage four cancer in several organs. She just finished 6 rounds of chemo and her prognosis is not good. Her medical team won't put a time on it but a couple of months to a couple of years is about what she thinks. I have no reason to disagree.

During this last few months she has been in pain a lot, she is on morphine and other meds, she indicated no sexual desire and swore she wasn't interested in any men. OK that's understandable in her condition I guess. So I bought into it and the strain in our marriage seemed to be healing and I was forgiving of her past actions.

Thursday she left for a Doctors appointment and said she wouldn't be gone long. In the process of repairing her printer for her I discovered a message thread between her and the man I spoke of earlier. Apparently they are shacked up in Kansas CIty, I have no idea when she intends to come home. Probaboy a few days since he has a wife expecting him home.

At this point I apologise for the rambling but I wanted to set the stage for anyone who wants to give me advice. The situation is complicated by other issues and history, including her gambling addiction but that part probably isn't necessary for my decisions.

I have loved my wife for 24 years. I have been devastated, driven to counseling and a COSA 12 step program, by her sexual and emotional betrayal for two years and damaged by her gambling for 10+ years. btw we are in our 60's. WW depends on me financially but has abandoned me emotionally and sexually. I have loved her for a long time and she probably doesn't have long to live.

I read somewhere in this thread, something of the order that I should act in the course of least regret. Good advice I think. But I don't know what that course of action is.

I am pretty sure I will look back on my life and regret not taking action to rid myself of her lies, infidelity, and addictions.

I am also sure, if I leave her now, I will regret it to my dying day.

I know we both took the same pledge, until death do us part, I know I value that pledge while she does not seem to.

If you have read all this: You have earned the right to scold, humiliate, opine or just offer advice. I will appreciate it and nothing you can say will hurt my feelings. TY


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stop

I have just read your tragic story (X2) and really don't know what to say.

All I can offer you at present is HUGS.

I would like to think more about what you've said.

At this point all I can say is that you are clearly a very good man who has been dealt a dreadful hand in life. I do believe that taking the path of least regret is VERY important as you don't appear to have a lot of time.

Can't get back on computer for another 6-7 hours. Will respond again then. (In Australia so time is different)

Will be thinking of you

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soggy: Your post hit a chord with me. I once said to my IC that I could really be married to anyone, meaning, I could bend and cater to most people (not the real crazies!!! but in the "bell curve of "normalcy") IC was very surprised to hear me say this.

FOO issues train us to do this to a certain extent. But what I have found for myself is that I can bend and bend, but there is a point I end up being very resentful which can come out in insideous ways.

Your post also reminded me of the movie "Runaway Bride" where the title character doesn't really know who she is. Take time for yourself to figure yourself out, and not worry what WH wants. That is what I'm working on now for myself.

I was so worried about being "perfect" for him, that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I'm really trying to step back from that and look at WH as objectively as possible.

The odd thing is that I'm realizing more and more that I'm falling out of love with WH, (as opposed to being in love with him), but still love him. There are a lot of quirks, etc that I no longer even like, BUT in the past I just accepted as part of being WHO is was and felt that was part of real love, taking the good and the bad.

NOW, I'm coming to the realization that I no longer have to put up with these things any longer. Before, there were good parts to balance the "bad" (as in every human being), or more to the point, what I believed were good parts. There is no balance anymore. I'm a big believer of the intention behind an act, for example if a person gives a birthday card because they really care as opposed to giving it so they don't look bad in front of others. WH is more of the latter, I think.

UKgirl: I'm sorry about all those horrendous coincidences that you are citing. It can drive one crazy. DS 34 started going out with a woman who had the same name as OC #2 and was the same age as OW, 39. Drove me insane. (besides the fact that WH named OC #1 the same name as our daughter who died, and OC #3 a name he suggested for our DS 12 which I nixed because it was his country's version of MY DS #2. I told him why would OUR DS have 2 brothers the same name? Well, WH did it anyway.....)
Coincidences abound and we see them more when we are very sensitive to certain things.

Miracle: I wanted to comment about your power walking story. LOL, like everyone else I thought the ending was going to be different!! I'm glad you did not trigger.

Allgood: I was thinking about you lately and I wanted to give you {{{{{}}}}
Concentrate on you. Be kind to WH as much as you can. When you talk with him, don't give up all hope, but perhaps if you step back a bit emotionally and when you talk to him kindly and patiently, and ask for one thing that will help you, he might see hope to try. If not, nothing lost, you are being the best for you and taking the higher road. Keep with your long term plan. Hopefully WH will wake up and join you.

Nofun: I read a lot on that thread "they always affair down", but for me, it feels I had an expiration date, and he affaired "up" for a younger, sexier, prettier woman. Either, way, if one feels they affaired "down" we are hurt, "why would he leave me for THAT???", on the other hand if one percieves the OP as better looking, younger, sexier, etc, one feels, "I wasn't good enough, the OP was better."

No matter what, the betrayal hurts and rips and tears at us. {{{{nofun}}}

Ats: OMG what a time of triggers for you!!! I'm so happy that your family is coming to stay with you and you are going on the boat!!! This is a horrible weekend for you. Please, please post and vent as much as possible.
In a way, I'm glad to hear that your WW seemed to be upset about going. At least she seems to have made some progress from the time she didn't seem to care a bit about your feelings of this weekend.
Big hugs {{{{{{Ats}}}}

I want to post more, but came down with a bad case of bronchitis and sinus infection. Not really complaining as I have a history of bronchitis all my life, and haven't had it in about 2 years. I was due

WH is being ok. As long as I don't "rock the boat" he's fine. He doesn't want to deal with any of my issues or feelings or hurts. Just superficial stuff. So sad.
I said something to him about if I was sad that wouldn't he want to help, and he makes a comment that everyone should look out for himself. <sigh> I felt sorry for him. I didn't say anything, but just thought of everyone here and all the wonderful words of caring and wisdom that I have read here.
I KNOW he's wrong.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to others when we are in pain. There are times that we need to "self soothe" for some minor crap, and maybe even vent that some guy cut you off when driving, BUT deep hurt?? One would expect that you'd share that with your spouse, especially if your spouse is the one that caused all of it.

I'm really trying to stand up out of the muck. I know I keep getting sucked in again and again, but each time I'm standing longer and starting to move a bit. I'm not running to my room and pulling the covers over my head anymore.


(((tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood
fnf
fun
honest
m3
njgal

you all have pm's


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stop, welcome to our little corner of si....

my heart so totally aches for you...your sich is one of those that is a lose lose one...damned if you do and damned if you don't...

and for this i am so so sorry....


i do believe in the path of least regret and in sich such as you it is called picking the lesser of the 2.....

i actually think you know what you must do already, you sound from your post an amazingly loving honorable man....and i don't think you are making this choice lightly....whatever choice you make i am sure will be from the standpoint of love in your heart....love of self above all, after all you have to live with what you decide....

the only thing i could think to say in her so called defense....is once someone is facing their mortality they tend to make even more stupid choices and decisions then they once did...you would think that in the face of death one would "see" what is really important....that is of course if they are really facing it and not hiding and running....

we will be here for you whatever you decide to do to offer support the cyber hugs, the cyber shoulder and occasionally we may recommend a good stiff drink....

as for how you choose to remember her...i hope for your sake it will be the woman you fell in love with way back when....not forgetting everything else, but putting everything else in the back somewhere, to be taken out now and then dusted and put away once again......its hopefully like that for us all....never forgetting but finally being able to put it away....


(((stop)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop....
I am so sorry for your pain.
Your wife's action have been horrible. She sounds as if she is a truly damaged person.
As I understand your story her affairs started long before the cancer diagnosis?
If so...your wife reminds me of my husband MOW....
she was a serial cheater that threw away any chance of happiness by cheating on her very fine husband for over 30 yrs!
I found it so difficult to imgine living the way MOW did... for example having affairs when she had young babies at home...I ended up researching female sex addicts and found that they have affairs for different reasons than men do...
A book that I found interesting was by Dr. Charlotte Kasl "Women, Sex and Addiction- A Search for Power and Love" .
Have you read the book? It seems that most of the female SA weremolested at a young age or abandoned by their fathers at a young age.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop: I am so sorry to have read your story. I believe you right, you need to take the path of least regret.

You said that she needs you financially and probably for the health insurance too. Perhaps you might consider separation or a legal separation that would provide for her health insurance. You did not mention if you have children or not. I hope you have some people IRL that can help you and I would highly recommend an IC for you. YOu have been through hell.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep posting and venting. There are many wonderful and wise people on this thread.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: my gosh...yes there are an enormous amount of coincidences....people usually have a mo about most things in life...so's, homes, clothing etc....

mr uk obviously sticks to his mo.....now very gently here....you have made your choice to stay married to the man, to allow him to remain your 'companion' of sorts...you share 4 fabulous boys as well as a good lifestyle that allows you both to enjoy life....and while you do partake of enjoyment of your life, most of it is with your boys it seems...and while i can so so relate to this, even i who is in a 'companionless' marriage wants more....

hon, you need to choose yourself....meaning stop torturing yourself and take YOUR life back, really take it back in your heart and in your soul...stop giving that slut the power....do you realize how much POWER you give her...she permeates most of your thoughts...and she does not deserve the time of day let alone most of your precious thoughts....

put her away...i am not exactly sure how to do this completely but it needs to be done for you...you deserve to be happy...don't you agree,....

i see reminders every single day and i choose to move on from them when they occur....i am learning to focus and eliminate....not easy...but necessary...i want to be happy, i want to move past this...and when the time comes i want to move on with all of this already dealt with.....to be free from it...right now i feel like a slave to it....i want my freedom and are working for it...


honest: so glad you posted....

i am glad you are falling our of love with him too, it helps to be able to distance yourself emotionally.....

i think its time for you to explore who YOU are and what you love and what gives you happiness....

its also time to go get that degree...that for you is the key to financial freedom from him.....to give you the ability to do what you have to do for your kids, since you don't know what he will and wont do...


laura: i agree with ukgirl that it is all of them...i also believe that until you feel that he "gets it" you will never be able to truly move on while with him...and he is not doing anything to SHOW you that he really gets it, if he got it he would be patient and would answer your questions without hesitation, without reproach as to why....and he would do it until.....

( i love dr phil, he puts the words to everything i feel most of the time anyways..)


the question may inevitably become, will you live with it as it is...where he is doing no more then what he is doing now....and will you live with it or will you torture yourself with a life sentence of these feelings....

all of us deserve to move on from this shit....we have all lost an enormous amount of time thinking about this, mourning our losses, grieving for what we thought we had for relationships....how much more of ourselves do we invest...and it is an investment of time if not commitment..time better spent doing things we love to do.....

with exception to si, i am trying really hard not give any more of my thoughts to any of them, pfm included....not easy....but that is not going to stop me from trying, because one day i might actually succeed...

enough of my really really tired ramblins..i hope i make some sense...

nite all

((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28;

I told him it will be YEARS befo

One thing he said which did bother me. He said "I know I've done a terrible thing to you and it will take you weeks or months to forget it"

:smilr:
I think this may be why when I get upset he wants to know what he's done (like in the last 5 mins) to upset me. When I tell him its just everything he says things like "But I thought you were getting better!"

Word!


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I see there are some MORE newbies here - I really can't keep up!

WELCOME ALL!!!

I skimmed and see so many lengthy posts that there's no way I'm going to be able to remember everything - so I will do this in pieces. (I wish we could do some kind of split screen thing - to see the post and respond at the same time). Plus - the pressure of boss lady waking at any given second is stressin me...
Anyhoo - here goes:

Stop: Welcome. I join everyone in welcoming you and at the same time sympathizing for your need to be here.

I am also sure, if I leave her now, I will regret it to my dying day

This is the path of least regret then. You have and continue to be the "bigger" person. You can take pride in that - in putting someone else's needs ahead of your own - even if some might think it is foolish.

Ats: Why the HEll are you up in the middle of the night? ARe you ok? I know this is "the" weekend and I hope you are ok. I also forgot to tell you how much I enjoy your new tagline. A sense of humor is priceless.

Honest: You sound well. I'm VERY happy that you are seeing some progress with detaching.

He doesn't want to deal with any of my issues or feelings or hurts. Just superficial stuff.

Yup. Same here - just told him that the other day. I said maybe that's all you want - is some kind of superfical relationship- he denies it tho.
As for Mr. Allgood - he's trying in his limited way. He's not cheating anymore, he's not acting like a complete a-hole anymore, he's being more loving & attentive to me (which, since I have stopped complaining about all the shit he doesnt do around here, is not such a difficult chore, I would think...) and he is not going out socially anymore. He is also transparent - tho it pisses him off.
He just doesn't "get it" and I seriously am done trying to make him "get it". I know Miracle will agree with me on this - there's only so many times you can say something without feeling like a complete moron for believing the problem is MY inability to express my needs properly. It's him! And, to be honest, there's nothing I really need for him to do. I would like him to be more supportive when I get upset, but I just don't think he knows how to do that (seriously - even his family acknowledges that he's never been much emotional support for me - and they don't even know about the A.). I acknowledge that he tends to believe a bit that I'm going to leave anyway, so why try... I believe I have calmed his fears regarding this.

The thing I am struggling with most now is that I still don't feel like I'm in love and I miss that. To be truthful, I haven't felt that in years, but it's different now. I see how different my M was from good M & I crave that. And, I don't believe there's anything my H can do to change that. Right now, I am still trying to figure out who he is. Almost everytime he opens his mouth, I see an immature selfish person. A fun, good looking guy - great boyfriend material - don't know so much about the lifetime partner tho...

Thanks for the hug HOnest - and btw- my OW is 9 years younger than me & hot as hell. Men falling all over her - self-sufficient single mom too. Seriously makes me wonder why she chose my H over all others...

Aight - g2g- Game starts in 1 hour, all kids are asleep & I have no idea where my son's uniform is...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stop

I've thought so much about your situation today. I hate to give advice in such a serious situation but I suppose you need to hear from lots of people to try to make up your mind.

IMHO you should stay. You clearly are a person of integrity, you say you love her and you know that in spite of the EVIL she has done (and continues to do)she needs you.

You need to take this path of least regret. You have given her so many years. If you separate now you will still suffer from the pain of her infidelity. If you stay with her you will still suffer the pain but you will also know that you have given all you had to give to your marriage. That you acted (as always)with integrity and showed compassion during her crisis.

I feel so sad for you. I hope that you will find peace with whatever decision you make. And whatever that decision is you can always look back and say "I was a faithful husband".

Peace be with you

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't keep up either because my brain doesn't allow me to remember everyone's posts without going back over and over again. So I will just say this.....welcome newbies and hugs to all....

Ats - my thoughts are with you this weekend...you are a strong man. I wish my H was half of what you are. (((ats)))

Honest - you sound better....I was glad to hear from you.

Last night H and I had another “talk about feelings.” I felt it was needed for my healing and H gets defensive, yet again. It didn’t go very well. No yelling and I held back the tears but this man will “never, ever, get it.”

We were driving in the car by OW’s town and I asked him if OW ever asked him if he would consider moving to where she lived. He said yes she asked, and he said no way. She said, then I will move to where you are. And that’s when he said, I think you were right, she wanted to be you, she wanted what you have.

Somehow we ended up talking about how I hoped he was not with me because he was either afraid to be alone or he was afraid of losing everything. He said no, that he just wanted me. Then he asked me how I felt. I said it was a bunch of things and I needed to look at the whole picture and that I have worked very hard for everything I have and if we D I would end up with considerably less and so would he. Our life styles would be very different. I would have no health insurance, I’d have to work until I’m 80, we’d have to split the properties, the pension, everything would be different and it scares me. I know he wanted to hear that I loved him but I haven’t been able to say it since Dday. He got so pissed off at me that the angry and defensive came out.

We talked about how I hold him at arm’s length. That I’m scared and fearful he will break my heart again. I told him I do not trust him yet. And that I am hoping in time, I feel differently. He said he was trying to be the man that is so very hard for him to be. I thanked him and told him that I saw that he was trying. He said that living the way I am, not trusting him, and possibly faking that I’m happy is not true to yourself and that I should move on and find a man that will love me, be affectionate and be all the things that he isn’t. After all, he said he is a “loser.” He said that he would bet that if we split I’d be in a relationship within one month. That I would find a man that could take care of me and provide me with “health insurance.” (all the while he is talking, he’s in sarcastic mode)

He said that if having sex with him was the most difficult for me, then I shouldn’t have sex with him anymore. I told him I needed for him to comfort me. I had been listening to him for ½ hour and now I’m angry. I said fine…I won’t have sex with you anymore. He told me that we might as well D because he wasn’t going to live without sex. He said he needed for me to be more loving towards him. Maybe he is right. I just don’t know anymore. He told me he wants me to move on and stop bringing these negative things up. He said he doesn’t want to hear it, that it ruins his weekend.

How honest should I be? Should I not tell him how I feel? I know I probably don’t communicate properly and say things I shouldn’t but I feel the conversation always goes back to his needs and how dare I say things to hurt him. I quit!!!

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get out my frustrations….hope you guys don’t mind.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun- you know how similar our Hs are...

First off - when my H tries to turn the conversation around to be about him, I call him on it immediately. This happened just the other day - I initiated the conversation about what I needed, etc. and he starts talking about my obsessive investigating, etc. I stopped him cold & told him that I brought up the conversation and we weren't discussing anything else until the issue I raised was discussed. (Yes - it's a bit easier for me to do this kind of stuff - occupational hazard dealing with a-holes trying to control a conversation...)

Anyhoo-

As for how much you choose to share with your H. Idk what's right or wrong. But, I do not feel the need to be candid with my H. I tell him enough so that he realizes that it can be better. He knows I'm holding back. But, I don't tell him all the other stuff I'm thinking. I've told him I love him, but I'm not head over heels in love with him & that's largely due to the damage inflicted by his A. I've told him that he is still a liar in my eyes & that's his fault for his post-DDay activity. I've told him that I do not believe or trust that he has my best interest at heart and that for so long as I feel that way, I will remain somewhat guarded. So, that's when I told him I could have a superficial kind of relationship with him & that's all he seems to want anyway. He denies that.

Did I tell him all my other reasons for staying together? No. Not because it will hurt his feelings, but because I'm not going to give him anything to use as an excuse to stop trying.

Maybe you could cushion what you say a little bit - again - not to protect his feelings - but so that he has hope & is therefore motivated to keep working on him/your M.

I think it might be harder for you to "fake it til u make it" because you 2 have a lot more alone time than my H & I. We don't have off on the same days, we have little kids demanding x,y & z. I can avoid having a real relationship or concealing my true feelings without detection a lot. I would imagine it's harder for you in your circumstance.

O- and in the sarcasm/not getting it department:

1. Yes, I have been snooping. For what, idk, just snooping is a regular part of my day as brushing my teeth. So, yes, I check my H's wallet often, for receipts, to see how much money is in there, etc. Last week, I find a note in there in his handwriting, as my heart is pounding, I read "Hope you find what you are looking for".

2. After the big feelings talk earlier this week (the 1st in weeks, btw), I had texted him the following day at work asking if he could talk. He texts me back "If you want to discuss our feelings, then yes, I'm busy. If you just want to talk, then call me."

Hence the "hands in the air like I just don't care" approach!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
SimoneDB
♀ Member
Member # 27209
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop - You talk of taking "the path of least regret." I can't help wondering which path that might be. Is it the path of allowing your wife to continue to hurt you, while you selflessly care for her until the day she dies? Or is it the path of allowing your wife to do what she has always done for herself, while you seek your own happiness in what remains of your own life? Try to be as kind and generous to yourself as you are to others.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stop and another welcome to this corner. I am so sorry for your situation. We will never call anyone here an idiot, we are all here for the same reasons – our selfish, self absorbed spouses. Your case is slightly different in that your WW has been stricken by cancer for a third time and this time it looks bleak. The line of least regret is the one to take when looking back at yourself from the future. You have already given yourself your course of action:
if I leave her now, I will regret it to my dying day.
The previous sentence of “I am pretty sure I will look back on my life and regret not taking action to rid myself of her lies, infidelity, and addictions” is already in the past. That is done. These were choices made by your WW and not yours. You have given her unfailing support throughout and she has failed to help herself. That is not your fault either.

I think miracle has made a good point with regard to your WW sense of mortality. I believe this was one issue (only a small one, mind!) that led my WH to his LTA. That business of not regretting what you have done in life, only what you haven’t. To grab life and experience everything on offer. Facing his own prospect of death when there should be so much more, that he was wasting life just by the living of it. Does that make sense?

Just because she’s dying, it doesn’t justify what she is doing now. She should still be confronted about her actions, you should still stick to your boundaries. Have you told OM’sW? Have you thought about confronting the two of them in KCity? Can you contact your WW at all? I really think you should shine a very bright light on what she and they are doing. You are not spoiling her fun or anything like that, you will be making her face the reality of what she is doing to you and to OM’s family. Just because she is dying, it doesn’t give her the right to behave this way.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, you have enough to deal with as it is. If you are still in counselling, perhaps they can help you manage her?

Was going to read/post more but gotta dash - MIL is back.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:14 AM, September 25th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i am so proud of you for so many reasons...but the 2 that stand out right this minute are the note you found...and you are maintaining control....a couple of months ago i don't think you would have had a handle on that.....and second for the advice you are giving fun...from the getgo, you both found the lta thread around the same time and reminded me of each other....i saw from then the similarities in your husbands....and the advice you are giving fun to me is right on target...so yay for you...

as for the note.....as much as he should have told you about it...i actually love what it says....between the lines...


ats: how are you holding up?....(((ats)))

fun you have a pm....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: my gosh...yes there are an enormous amount of coincidences.... ....meaning stop torturing yourself and take YOUR life back,
I know, I know. And Mr UK said “it’s only geography”. It’s just my brother sent me some info and he’s asking me to go to the relevant place to get the info, where it’s all not only free, but there’s much more info than you can get online. Anyway, I followed a link and *bam*, that sickening feeling struck in my gut. And then I got mad. And then I had a drink. And then I posted here……. And I’m stressed out with the IL’s here. And FWH and I continue to disagree on celebrating (or not) our anniversary.

Other than that, things are kind of okay.

Nofun, allgood’s right:

How honest should I be? Should I not tell him how I feel? I know I probably don’t communicate properly and say things I shouldn’t but I feel the conversation always goes back to his needs and how dare I say things to hurt him. I quit!!!
Deal with him like a child. Say something positive, then get your criticism or point of discussion in and finish off with another positive. A sandwich approach might work best. If it comes down to comments about sex, without it being helpful, you need to diffuse that and he is using the “so you don’t want sex with me anymore” as a stick to beat you with. It’s a very sensitive subject. Don’t discuss it negatively. Use the “when you ………. I feel” to soften it.

"Hope you find what you are looking for"
Should have tucked it back in with the comment “I was hoping for a thousand dollars…….but only found ten!”


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick pop in to say Hi Tribe, and thanks for the support. I am feeling jittery, but keeping busy with chores and errands. My folks are out just now at DS's carwash fundraiser. Last night we got home from the game about midnight, and then sat up talking till late with my folks, hence the late night post. Everything is not too bad, I am trying hard not to dwell.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A case of just getting through it, ats. (((((atsenaotie))))) Concentrate on your folks and enjoy being with them.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW called about 2.5 hours ago and said she was outside the event and needed to talk. She then said she had to go back in and would be in touch. No response to text or voice mail since then. Not sure what is up, maybe just having a good time.

No drinks untill after I drop DS off with friends later tonight. I am running out of busy work.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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