Then I go away for a while to journal, walk the dog, do mindless boring everyday things, call a friend, etc. Once my feelings are settled, I come back.
i have learned to walk away....i have adopted 2 phrases that use on him and on my ds, manchild, who also has this dreadful disease...
"whateva" (with some major quiteness of a tone)(rolling eyes too) and "if you say so".....
there have also been times when i locked myself away, blasted some music and danced it out...i saw this on greys anatomy (it works)....
you have to make the decision not to engage and then you must choose it each and every opportunity, i get lots of practice at my house...
The comments by hurtshirly anf fnf about how it can take so long to get past all this LTA stuff made for some interesting reading. I believe that if everything is handled properly, meaning lots of work by both sides, no more inapproprate contacts, no more lying and betrayal, a marriage can survive. I think Shirley made a good point concerning how her relationship with her H is really good except of course for the A. It does make a BS wonder how much better off they would be with someone else. The old saying "better the devil you know than the devil you don't know" applies here. Yes the BS will be eating a big shit sandwich. Probably for a long time. This betrayal is a very deep cut and leaves a horrible scar. You just have to decide if your WS is worth staying for. It is a gamble either way you go and only time will tell if you have made the right choice.
Hugs to the tribe.
"better the devil you know than the devil you don't know"
I have thought this so many times. But really haven't processed it properly. Every time I think about starting out again on my own I think but what if I meet someone? They can tell me anything about their history and I wouldn't know the truth (can't get it about my own marriage!!!!). So what if he's a cheater too???
I couldn't stand that. If I started out again I don't believe I'd ever trust again esp after reading the stats on infidelity.
Which leaves 2 choices - the devil you know or alone.
I have a friend and a brother both of whom D their WSs. My brother took 10 years before he could start another relationship. (Her X was also a WH). My friend is still alone. She just can't find someone she feels she can trust. She's 4 yrs older than me (58)
So I suppose I'm taking the "path of least regret" staying with my devil.
This has been a real AHA moment for me. Maybe it will help to deaden the pain seeing my situation for what it is. Now I know what I'm doing - keeping my devil and following MY path of least regret - when the pain comes and I tell myself that it's MY CHOICE to stay in spite of the past - then I hope I'll feel a little better.
Thanks so much for your post. So often I read comments or advice for others on here and they strike a cord with me. Your contribution has been so helpful.
Take care OD and thanks
we are all thinkin of ya...sending you some strength, some lovin and some old fashioned mojo to not only survive but to eventually thrive...
6. Spending however much money I want on whatever knowing he will not question it.
Allgood- this was my favorite of yours-though in my sitch I'd be spending my own $$ since I'm the breadwinner now. Sigh.
IWAM: "blasted some music and danced it out...i saw this on greys anatomy (it works).."
I saw that episode, too, but never tried this....you gave a glowing endorsement...SO next time I'm fighting with FWH I'll tell him turn on some music and leave me alone
All kidding aside, thanks tribe for all your great comments. Sounds like excercise is also at the top of the list- I hate that- but it's wise advice and I'm going to try this. If it doesn't diminish my anger at least I'll have a hot bod at the end, right?
Oldipstick: You're right- trying to argue when mad is not productive. I don't know how IWAM does it- not engaging.... I'm bowing down in awe of her
And of course physically removing myself and giving me my own "time out" I guess is worth a try. Anything to end the quarreling here for awhile.
(((((TRIBE))))) You know, it's great to know in here that we can count on each other to give encouragement or a loving 2 X 4 when warranted. So, THANKS :)
Check back on you all later. Especially sending out prayers to ATS- buddy, you are in our thoughts and I hope you are doing OK.
[This message edited by hearbroken at 9:09 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)]
WH finally left today, for how long, I don't know. It was a hard weekend. We went away with his family overnight, and I love them. DS's had a ball with all thier cousins. I have little or no family and WH's family have become mine, but there's another loss I will have to face.
I keep thinking about "the path of least regret". Unfortunately, for many of us that seems to be our only choice. If I was younger, had no kids, my choice would be to leave immediately and never look back. Even if I was just younger...more time to be in the work force to build up pension money, etc. Get a bigger salary.
I was so worried about being alone, but I am alone most of the time anyway and often very lonely.
I have to decide what I'm going to be when I grow up... and the path of least regret, but there can be more than two paths to choose from and I can always make a detour later.
Just rambling.....Full of a mixture of emotions, grief, fear, and a sense of relief that WH went back. DS's miss him already. <sigh>
Ats, check in!!!! We mother hens are worried about you!
I was a bird in a gilded cage overseas, and not happy at all. Now OW has my cage and her own. I need to be free and spread my wings, but they are broken and not fully healed. Someday soon.
Anybody want to join us?
"the path of least regret".
"the path of least regret".
I have been in a pretty solid R for almost 3 years now. I say "pretty" solid because nothing is ever 100% in this life!!
When I look back I wonder sometimes how we got so lucky. The changes that took place for both of us still make me wonder... When the dust had settled from his A and yes there was a false R as well, where he continued to talk to and see her. I still don't know what made him change as dramatically as he has! He was always easy,kind, and fun, but we had drifted so far away from each other. When I was able to stand and face "my" world I decided that my life was going to be good, with or without him. And I truly believed that I could do it. My kids were older, but the damage was still done. My DD has just within this last year come to believe that our family will be ok and maybe even better than before!
This last couple of years has been AWESOME! We have become so close and sometimes we are like giggly teens!
If I could give any advice it would be to believe... in whatever you choose to do. Believe that it can and will happen and then get on with living and loving and making a new tomorrow! Not always easy, but so worth it!
When I chose to move forward and stay with my H, I did just that!! No more looking back, only forward... to new tomorrows. We still have the life issues that anyone does, but we face them together.
My H is getting ready to retire, and it wasn't an easy decision for him--- he loved his job, but we would have lost too much if he stays, so another new chapter in our lifes will happen soon. We will be OK... today and into the future.
So don't give up hope, it can get better, with or without them; what ever you decide. Just make sure that if you want to be together then cross the bridge and don't look back--- only forward!
Love to all...
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
fun: i am IN!!!
ats: i hope today is better then yesterday...
Last night was bad for me, thank you to fnf, iwam, and honest who stayed up late to offer advice and support.
Summary: FWW and I will meet Friday for previously scheduled MC session. She texted last night about my coming home to talk, but when I suggested a public location to meet she replied that she is not ready to talk and busy.
There is more going on that what I am aware of, maybe I will find out on Friday. She made implications that people from her past are going to answer to her and pay for what they did to her ??
I called DS18 last night to let him know I am out of the house and what is going on. He was planning to be home this weekend, but those plans changed (not because of what I told him). He is struggling with his chemistry class, but is taking the right steps to recover.
I think my hope is the MC session will start us talking then, and we can meet for coffee or such. I would like to start us working on the collaborative divorce. Having her and I meet with the attorneys and paying the fee may be a requirement for me to move back it. Negotiating dissolution will be hard work. If we can get through to an agreed upon settlement I am thinking we may not need it. If we do need it, we have it, and are only a month or two away from D. Does this sound like a nutty idea?
This experience has taught me to appreciate my kids much more than I did, I took them for granted a lot. I was not a bad parent, but I did not always take time to enjoy who they were while I was focused on whom they will be. I said before, and will repeat that I value the intimacy I am developing with FWW even if it does kill our M. When we split she may leave full of resentment and anger towards me, but I have found the path of least regret.
There was a time I was much more involved in the Church, even an Elder for a time. Being Presbyterian (and a good Calvinist) I believed that God selects those to be saved and prepares their destiny for them. The groundwork and path for FWW and my current struggles were established long before I ever met her. There was no other way for this to unfold. Now, my lessons and study of Zen teach me that the Universe attacks each of us at our weakest point, because that is where we need to grow and evolve. There is no malice or intent in this attack; it is just the way of the physical and metaphysical universe. I certainly have had my weakness assaulted, and I am proud that by and large I have responded with growth. Even the weak responses of using alcohol as a crutch, returning to smoking, etc. have taught me compassion.
I have been talking with some of the mostly men staying where I am. Some are as me, professional and on a job or in transition; many are people I would never have given a second glance. They are all, to a 1, pleasant. They all have interesting stories, and my life could be worse. I literally met a man who as of two months ago has no feet.
Wow, I am rambling.
Again, thanks to you all, and best wishes for all of us.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:16 AM, September 29th (Wednesday)]
Thanks so much for your inspiring post. I especially liked
get on with living and loving and making a new tomorrow
because this is what I want more than anything.
I'm sure it was heartening for everyone here.
For us "newbies" could you please briefly tell your story.
Many of us have truly horrible histories (you can read mine on my profile if you wish) and knowing yours might help.
Good luck to you in your wonderful new life and thanks for thinking of us.
Worried about you. What's happening?
Can I come to your cabana? pretty please
Can I come to your island? pretty please
Lost it with my H yesterday. He accidentally hit the call button on his phone while at work 2 nights ago. It went to my message bank. I retrieved the message yesterday morning (as I was asleep when the call came) only to hear bits and pieces of a conversation between him and a woman when he was at work.
Anyway, I listened to it several times and tried to piece it together - was very hard as unclear- phone in pouch on his belt. Anyway some of it sounded quite damning. He called her 'sweetie' ans'sweetheart' and concluded by saying 'Take care sweetheart'. I handed him the phone with message playing and asked "Who were you talking to?" he listened and was horrified. Said he couldn't remember but he wasn't doing anything wrong. I lost it and did something I have never done - I hit him! Then I swore,screamed, cried, stomped off ....... you all know the scenario.
Anyway, long story short he eventually remembered the conversation and it turns out it was DEFINITELY innocent. I have no doubts at all. 100% sure. When he explained the details and I listened again it all fit perfectly.
Problem is he calls all the nurses sweetie, darling, honey etc.
He's a wardsman (general gofer). He has always done this with women including in front of me. It never worried me before I found out about the affairs but now I hate it. I told him after this that he has to stop it. He's sending signals. No wonder the nurse whores come onto him.
He told me (and so did 2/3 of the OWs) that they gave him their phone numbers. He doesn't have male friends and lends a "caring ear" to women in trouble. Idiot!!!
And women do love him. I think after this he gets that this is asking for trouble and has promised to change his ways. He was really upset about this "message". I think my reaction (which he READILY admits was understandable) and actually hearing himself brought home to him how inappropriate his way of speaking is. He says he'll find it hard to change as he has always spoken like this but will do his best.
At children's place tonight and H is home alone 300kms away. He has phoned me a dozen times today. Trying to be reassuring as he knows how hard this is for me. It's the first time I've been away from home since Dday. What he doesn't know is that my toys will tell me if he is doing the right thing. Please God!!!!
I could not survive this without my tech toys. At only 4 months out I am far from trusting even though he seems to be saying all the right things and I really believe he wants R. My gut was so unreliable for 16yrs (or maybe longer???? - he swears that's all) it will be a long time before I will rely on it. Probably never!!
OW3 is moving to town tomorrow Can't remember who gave me the 2X4 about reading her FB but.... I just need to know what's going on!!! Its bad enough that he sees her at work. At least this way I know when she's working. Now I need to know her new address so I can check my H is not visiting which will be so much easier for him now she's in town (thank God for my toy!!!!!). After Dday he would have known I'd know if he visited her because there is no cell phone reception in the mountains where she lives. When I couldn't get him before dday he always had some dumb excuse about his phone playing up and turning itself off. Stupid (laura28) believed him!!! but after dday I knew different!!! I really don't think he will see her now she's moving to town but then again I never thought he'd have an affair and he had 3 LTAs over 16 years - so I don;t really trust my own judgement!!!! I think she moved for this very reason - so she could start fishing! Anyway - now's his chance. He will BELIEVE that he can visit her now she's in town and I won't know. Because of my toy I WILL know if he visits her once I know her new address.
Please God let him pass this test!!!!
"the path of least regret". Unfortunately, for many of us that seems to be our only choice. If I was younger, had no kids, my choice would be to leave immediately and never look back. Even if I was just younger...more time to be in the work force to build up pension money, etc.
This is how i think all the time!!!! At 54 i can't face starting again/ . I jsut don't want to - so I have to try to sort out this mess.
Please forgive any spelling etc errors. My evening love of Merlot means I find it hard to type well at times. Merlot helps me sleep and is a necessary part of my recovery. (I had a choice between it and the Valium the doc prescribed after my heart attack. I figure the Merlot is the safer option
Have a nice day/eveing/night all and thanks for your support
Sorry - had to edit. This post was such a mess in parts it was incomprehsible!!!
[This message edited by Laura28 at 9:09 AM, September 29th (Wednesday)]
Thanks for the invitation to join you and your sister on the island. Count me in. It seems a few others are wanting to come along. Yes I do know that so far I am the only guy to sign up for this trip. I think I could be quite usefull. I think you all might need a crazy old fart to keep the cabana boys in line. I am also good at grilling several different kinds of meals.
Laura- "lost it and did something I have never done - I hit him! Then I swore,screamed, cried, stomped off ....... you all know the scenario."
Yes, we do. No advice there- I struggle with the anger/rage right now, too. ALthough, IWAM's idea of blasting the music and dancing is just awesome.
Honest: I think this time apart from your H is going to be a good thing for you. I wish I could have my H out of the house right now, because truly and honestly I think that for ourhealing sometimes it's good to be alone in order to really think things through. It's hard when that person that triggers you is always around-so my hope for you is that this next period where you have the gift of time to yourself that you can start to heal and reflect on what your plan is going to be.
Old: I've thought about the concept that you mention i.e. what's the best path and knowing the stats on infidelity would we just end up in another relationship with betrayal? This is one of the many complex reasons I've given my H yet another
chance to get himself together- that and the kiddos. I figure with my H I now know the signs to look for to see if he's acting out and he is remorseful. If I start over with another man it would take years to get to know him the way I already know my H. Soooooo, I'm glad to see that my "practical" approach is not unique to me and others think like me
(((TRIBE))) Just sending out hugs to all of ya!
At 54 i can't face starting again/ . I jsut don't want to - so I have to try to sort out this mess.
I'm right there with you Laura...
Lovinlife - I have a question...how did you let go of the anger?
I know if I could move forward, act more loving that my relationship with H would be for the better. But I withhold affection, I can't say I love him (because I don't). I care about him, I like him but the passion and intimacy is gone, including the trust. I am afraid that if I surrender my heart to him, that he will feel like what he did was no big deal and that he got away with it. I don't want him to feel like he "got away with it." I want him to suffer as I have and anything I can do to make him suffer makes me feel better. I know that is horrible but it's true.
And maybe I feel this way because he doesn't do enough to make me feel safe and loved. And maybe in the end I really am going to walk away. That 2 year plan may end up becoming my reality.
Ats - I think of you everyday...you are a good man.
Dip - I'd be honored to have you on an island with me. I don't do well with the grill, I tend to burn the food and also the side of my house.
Hugs to all of us..