Retribution, my 2 cents:
I do not want my WH to ever fully realize the pain he caused. I do not believe you have to fully understand something to know you can't do it. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, so why should I wish it on my dearest love?
Having said that -- the cliche says the best revenge is a life well-lived. And this is why:
A spouse in true R will have multiple paradigm shifts -- miracle is right; they didn't have the love/trust/fidelity we inititally had. To truly R, they must develop those things, not only with you, but within themselves. When they do, THEN they finally realize what they threw away, and there is a sort of karmic retribution in that. And hopefully some sort of gratitude that you pulled what they threw away in haste back out of the trash can, washed it off, polished off the tarnish, and sat it back on the mantle and waited to see when they'd finally notice it . . .
Each day I've been thinking: how would I want to be treated if I were my WH? What are my goals? What motivates me? What to I need from WH to accomplish this goal? What motivates him?
Gotta go, as dip would say -- "up to my ass in gators"
they didn't have the love/trust/fidelity we inititally had. To truly R, they must develop those things, not only with you, but within themselves. When they do, THEN they finally realize what they threw away, and there is a sort of karmic retribution in that.
Thanks for this. Really made me think. I knew my husband was in pain - in fact he actually told me he was for the first time the other day. I have seen it - he has broken down a few times but when he has, it has been when I was in "rage" mode or sobbing my heart out so I don't think I saw it clearly for what it was.
He has been even more reassurring lately which makes me feel good. I'm starting to believe more and more that he is genuine. Tells me constantly he wants nothing to do with OWs and will never do it again with them or any other woman.
I usually say you'll never do what? .......He still finds it hard to say the words. I've told him repeatedly that he is not to use the expression "I won't do anything wrong again". I want him to say "I won't FUCK OTHER WOMEN ever again". I need him to own what he's done but I think his shame makes this hard for him!!!
I'd love to hear your story. It's not in your profile and as you've been here a while I think it'd be hard to find. Could you give me a brief synopsis?
I want him to say "I won't FUCK OTHER WOMEN ever again". I need him to own what he's done but I think his shame makes this hard for him!!!
That's one solution. Or, there's my solution: a giant tramp-stamp tattoo across the small of his back that says "Cupcake".
Shaming isn't motivating. Just a thought.
Hmmn. The brief version:
Last year 6 months into a surprise pregnancy (my 4th child -- baby #3 was 8 months old on Dday and I was 5 months pregnant with #4) my "friend" of six years (OW) confirmed she and WH had been having an A since they were in college together -- about 1990. I was 34. Soooo... there you go. We vacationed with them, my oldest DS and her DS2 were best friends, our nannies were sisters (I say were because both nannies are with me now.) WH also had at least an EA but probably PA going on with his XGF from HS.
I can't even go into the levels and levels of sickness and dysfunction with this whole situation -- it's best to simply say that my life is a WHOLE LOT better with the drama-queen gone.
I know that's really short, but, again, up to my ass in gators today.
Now, I will tell you that my husband's reason for having the A was: It made him feel young to have that connection to his past, it was exciting to take a risk and it was easy.
Thanks for sharing.
We really have amazing people to deal with don't we. It's a weird world!!!
I had to laugh at this:
there's my solution: a giant tramp-stamp tattoo across the small of his back that says "Cupcake".
I told him that the PI I hired played a tape of him talking to OW3 (I actually had a VAR - there was no PI - but he doesn't know that!). I expressed my disgust at all the endearments he used with her - darling, sweetie, sweetheart, beautiful and all these are now big triggers for me. Which I really resent!!! I said "I hate it that you can't say these without it upsetting me."
So now when he's feeling playful he calls me "Cupcake".
Yep it's a weird world!!
I know the aftermath has led me to get a lot of bullshit people out of my life. I'd like my life to be a problem-free zone.
Its 12.30 am here and I've had my allotted 2 merlots for the night so I hope I make sense.
Yes I will be fine. I've had a truly shitty last 5 yrs and a shitty marriage for a long time.
I'm old school catholic and really did believe in "til deathus do part".
Used to think if I tried harder I could make it work.
What do they say? We both had a lousy marriage but only one of us cheated? Yes I know I;m the better person but its a hollow victory!
As well as that he was SO CRANKY. Not fair is it. He cheats, has lots of fun with his whores, treats me badly and then i get to deal with the fallout??
Helloooooo! Where's the justice? don't worry I know that is not how the world works but it still stinks.
You have no idea what a strong person I am. i ddin't until the last 5 years. I WILL come out of this with dignity and grace and like miracle I WILL BE HAPPY!
Anyway. I best go to bed. have to be up early to take my son to work.
H rang tonight sys he misses me. That's nice!
Thanks for your time
The good news is that there's a fist-sized center piece of me about four inches below my sternum that seems to be okay. (I have no idea what that means, but it's very literal. I can feel that... seems like a tumor but that's not a good word... right there.) Isn't there a classic children's book that featured a stuffed animal with a gold heart sewn into its stuffing? Like that.
Focusing on that piece today.
Okay, so... I'm not all into woo-woo medicine or anything. I'm incredibly mainstream. But that's what my body is telling me. Not sure what to make of it. Does anyone else get this or have I fallen off the deep end?
i hope it goes well m3...
if only we could take that proverbial part out and put a new one in its place....
unfortunately the only way to stop the pain is go through it...feel it to heal it...
i won't lie i still have lots and lots of anger...but with all that anger i am learning to deal with the hurt...i honor it, acknowledge it, let it sit for a bit, a small bit and then i move on....
living with the anger is easier, it doesn't hurt as much and functioning is much much easier...of course that means that anyone within a a few hundred feet may be the target...that is kind of a drawback on that one...although there are times that could be useful...most times it kinda not...
honest..how are you feeling today?
I know it's the latter.
The weather doesn't help. The problem with these conditions, as you say, Miracle, is that they are stress related, but then we can become anxious about the pain, and the pain gets worse and we can get anxiey attack symptoms and a vicious circle starts.
I hope you are feeling better.
M3, I know you will conquer those gators. You are an amazingly strong woman who has been dealt with a lot of pain and betrayal. Your WH is extremely lucky to have you and I believe he is finally waking up and realizing it.
Laura, I'm glad to hear WH is being more reassuring. I agree, it is NOT fair that the WS cheats, has fun and we all have to deal with the fall out and no seeming consequences for the WS.
As for the stamp, it reminded me of the classic "The Scarlet Letter".... they should still do that... WOW, from what I've read on SI, somes WS's will have to have a sash like the girl scouts to wear all their "Scarlet Letters".
Nell, I'm glad to hear that you have that piece of you that you can "feel". M3 is right, it's your "gut" and honor it and go with it!!! Nuture it and be kind to it.
Ats, we have you in our thoughts.
I'm a little better today. The weather doesn't help.
About the anger, I really haven't expressed it this whole time. I go right to the hurt. I don't yell, I tend to cry.
Maybe I'm dealing directly with the hurt, who knows? IC WANTS me to feel angry. I think she feels it will motivate me to DO, to take more ACTION and not just deal with my pain.
I am really afraid of letting go of the anger. I'm afraid it will really explode more than the "Incredible Hulk", but I'll turn red instead of green.
I'm still trying to "logic" it all out. To accept what is and it's something I cannot change by wishful thinking and pretending it will all go away.
I don't know if it's my gut that is telling me not to unlease all that anger yet and deal with my knowledge and grieve first, or my fear.
Are you spending quiet time every day listening to your body/spirit/soul/heart?
You are right, there is NO BS check list to go through. Sometimes I think we wish there was one, so we know that there is light at the end of this tunnel of pain.
Have a REALLY shitty day- almost no sleep. Fighting with H until all hours of the night. I wanted him to talk to his IC about how to support me when I'm angry to help me deescalate rather than his usual fanning of my flames. He doesn't seem to understand how he's passive aggressive and seems to know which buttons to push and then look at me like I'm a crazed person when I fly off the handle!!! I sometimes just want OFF the roller coaster, you know? Could use some cyberhugs just to make it through the day. IWAM- had those chest pains last night that you were talking about. Oh yes, the stress causes real physical symptoms, that's no joke.
Anyway, I'm sending big hugs to all of you and just telling us all to breathe, and remember ONE DAY AT A TIME.
sometimes we get so caught up in daily living we forget that we do have to process all we have learned, process and understand if we can, fix what we can, get rid of what doesn't work...sometimes it never seems to end, does it...and sometimes we just get caught up in life, because that does not stop because we need to process, as much as we wish it could...kids still have events, issues, school, work, family...the list is endless....
and i love love love the way you phrased it nell:
a question that needs not be answered but instead used as a model of what we need to do for ourselves...for those are the 4 most important "things" that need to be taken care of and healed....
m3: i hope your ic tells him that you are doing as well as could be expected and that the bipolar is no longer an issue unike his behavior as a husband truly is the issue...
hb: i have def had those fits of anger, yelling and screaming til i lost my voice...do you know what they did for me, aside from take my voice...gave me an outlet...but its the worst kind of outlet...nothing was accomplished...he will never understand the depth of his betrayal, he will never become the man i need(ed), and i usually ended up even more exasperated...stomping away because all that i ended up doing was getting more and more rowled up...
yet it felt good in a way to tell him off, i took pleasure in making him squirm, i loved making him miserable...the problem was i ended up making myself more miserable the one thing that i sought most at that point and now i could not attain by constantly fighting...and that was peace...i craved "peace" most of all...the opportunity to just "BE"...
gott go for now, pick up the kids...