How to Practice Radical Acceptance
By an eHow Contributor
I want to do this! What's This? ..
Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.
Love and be gentle with yourself. Understand that real love must come from within. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love.
Praise yourself. Tell yourself how well you are doing and stop criticizing yourself. Write down things you have done that make you feel proud and refer to it when you're experiencing feelings of self-doubt.
Accept yourself. Don't listen to the little voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Accept the way you are, right now, without judgment.
Find ways to support yourself. Practice radical acceptance by reaching out to friends and loved ones and allowing them to support you.
Forgive yourself. Have compassion for yourself and where you are in your life. Acknowledge any real or perceived wrongs that you may have perpetrated in the past. Apologize if you have wronged others, and then let it go.
Lend a helping hand to others. Not only will it make a difference in their lives, but you will feel better and more positive about yourself.
Take care of your body, and accept it lovingly. Learn about exercise and nutrition and get adequate rest. Nurture yourself and allow yourself to feel good.
Read more: How to Practice Radical Acceptance | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2078558_practice-radical-acceptance.html#ixzz11gkBgXhz
It's all about SELF. And Self needs to start practicing
accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice
[ETA to fix a couple rambling WTFs.]
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 11:53 AM, October 7th (Thursday)]
If I start to feel better and I'm not crying all the time, won't WH think that everything is now back to normal? He doesn't seem to "get it" unless I'm losing control with anger or sadness. I don't want to be a martyr or hard-headed, but I'm afraid that unless I keep the pressure up the changes that he says he is making will be even slower to develop. Does this even make sense?
Keep up the communication with WH. If he is doing everything right as you say, hopefully there will more and more good days to come.
It is my belief the WS will either get or or he or she will not. We cannot control their thoughts and feelings. You can share with him what you need, but if it takes a a tantrum to get a response, then he is responding to end the tantrum, not to help you heal. Remember, that healing you is all your work. Your WS can make a safe space where you do not feel threatened by new betrayals, he or she can give you the information you need to understand what occured and why, but the healing is our job.
For many, myself included, we become more comfortable and less obsessed after a few months, and then about 4 - 6 months the real anger can begin to appear. In my case I quit worrying was she still doing the A or going to do it again, and shifted to how dare she have done that to us.
Honest... I hope you are moving toward independence..
Strong.. so you know, it took me 11 months of pure hell before I had any strenght to control myself... "getting in touch with my own feelings"... Your "need to know" stuff just needs to happen and nothing you can do about it, but ask... seek... then at some point, you know enough... the anger passes... It's hard. I cried everyday at some point during the day for 3 months. Good luck and stay postive...
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:47 PM, October 7th (Thursday)]
It is my belief the WS will either get or or he or she will not.
You can share with him what you need, but if it takes a a tantrum to get a response, then he is responding to end the tantrum, not to help you heal.
I've actually TOLD him this and he says he understands that it's going to take me a long time to get over the trauma, but then he is taken aback when I'm sad again.
[This message edited by strongish at 7:58 PM, October 7th (Thursday)]
he says he understands that it's going to take me a long time to get over the trauma, but then he is taken aback when I'm sad again.
If I start to feel better and I'm not crying all the time, won't WH think that everything is now back to normal? .........unless I keep the pressure up the changes that he says he is making will be even slower to develop.
I know exactly what you mean. H and I have just had three great nights at this idyllic place. i tried really hard not to trigger and was successful most of the time.
We are now at children's house. Just after we arrived (kids were out). he gave me a hug and said he had a great time over last few days. I began to feel sad and told him that just because I'd been ok that it didn't mean I was ok!!! he said he knew that and understood that I was still really hurting.
I think he "gets it". I hope so. I also sometimes think he has forgotten all about it. I suppose time will tell if he really does understand how devastating his affairs have been - totally changed my life. I'm lucky i suppose in that when I do get upset he is always patient and loving. I hope all is ok!
In my case I quit worrying was she still doing the A or going to do it again, and shifted to how dare she have done that to us.
I seem to see-saw between the two at present. No there are three things
1. How could you have done this to us????
2. How dare you have done this to us???
3. Will you do this to us again
I bounce from one to the other from day to day and even during each day
HUGS to all
I think your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable.
I also think its remarkable that you are doing so well ( a relative term, here. Lol.) But, really - I think you are doing well.
Having said that, you still have a long way to go, unfortunately, but take comfort inthe fact that you appear to be ahead of the curve.
I think the concern about what will happen if the A ceases to be an ever present topic, etc. on a regular basis in your marriage is related to boundaries.
I sometimes feel the same way thatyou do, and I admit, I havent' thought the whole thing out yet because I'm having the worst week ever, separate & apart from stuff going on with my M.
I think that once we feel that our spouse's actually "get it", that their boundaries are strong, that there is renewed intimacy, etc. we won't feel like they will forget what an awful thing they did.
Just my 2 cents.
H has never ever gone out of his way or has never put much thought into gifts. I know it's his way of trying "to make it up to me". Hopefully it won't be too big of a party (I hate being the center of attention). And now I'm a wreck over it.
Tryn - I did talk to H about Retro and he shrugs his shoulders. It's not a no but it's not a yes either. I'm working on it. If I can get him to go before I throw the towel in and run off with that cabana boy it will be a miracle. I'm also going to try to find another IC because this anger is going to kill me literally.
Allgood - Maybe we can go to Retro together. Your H and mine have much in common! No communication skills!!!
And then to make matters worse, I got this contractor I work with telling me he has feelings for me. I flat out told him that I was not going there. He was wasting his time I was not interested and I would never ever do such a thing. That is bugging me also. What is wrong with these people? I have enough problems with the idiot I'm married to!!
I'm too old for this shit!!
i loved your post especially:
I got this contractor I work with telling me he has feelings for me.
as annoying as this seem to be for you, i love that someone is indeed noticing what a wonderful woman you are....
mr fun is throwing you a party....his intentions are good ones on this so yes this is a start...
and just book retro and tell him you did and you expect him to go.....no ifs ands or buts...and let him know that other men are finding you desirable in the interim, but you are choosing to try to work this out with him and the least he could do is to do whatever you come up with to help this along....you both have the same objective afterall don't you....for you to heal and for you both to move on from this...
allgood: not sure what is goin on with you, but we are here whenever you are ready...
I've actually TOLD him this and he says he understands that it's going to take me a long time to get over the trauma, but then he is taken aback when I'm sad again
this is normal...as much as he says he knows, it still feels like a kick in the gut when it happens...and for him, i am sure he sees the light everytime you are not sad, then when you are sad its like someone shut the light and he cannot see it anymore and fear takes over...
and...as with everything, just because you know it doesn't make it any easier when it happens...
It is my belief the WS will either get or or he or she will not. We cannot control their thoughts and feelings. You can share with him what you need, but if it takes a a tantrum to get a response, then he is responding to end the tantrum, not to help you heal.
very well put......whether or not (s)he gets it is HUGE for us....even those of us not in r, for some reason we still want to know that they get it.....and what a great way to discern between actually getting it and giving lip service....
do the actions match the words....
this is a really big big statement....if the words are not backed up with affirming actions then no, (s)he does not get it and is indeed saying what needs to be said to move on from an uncomfortable place for him/her....
this is how i knew i was never in reconcilliation...his words and his actions didn't always match up and they must ALWAYS match up....there is that other old saying "you are only as good as your word"...well if your words are shit well then i guess that make you a load of shit....
honest: the twilight series: well i am reading it because all of my kids did and were big into it, and every movie needs to be seens by them, they cannot wait for normal hours it has to be the midnight showing now....anyways...i did do the movie thing with them, but my dd in particular kept asking me to read it...i saw it as an opportunity to maintain the closeness we now share by giving us another commonality...as you know when you have peeps that you can have "book talks" with, its a thoroughly bonding experience....
i may have to do the lord in the rings series someday so that we could have one of those "book talks".....
anyways as i ramble on, the main point is...save your reading for better things...the twilight series is o.k., nothing earth shattering yet, i am on the second book....they are so so much like the movies...the first movie was terrible...lousy direction and lousy acting except for the kid who played jake...the second movie was much better...and the kid that plays jake is cabana boy material....big time...so this is a really good incentive for the next midnight showing of the next movie whenever that is...
dip if you actually stuck through reading that part of my post to honest...yes i did mention "cabana boy"...if you didn't i will just let you know now there was obviously a slight mention of it...
tryn: i am glad that you cannot seem to stay away, i believe you are an inspiration to many....there are so many here trying to do what you are accomplishing....its a light for all to see....that beacon of hope is very powerful you know...
I may have missed one or two but I think cabana boy was mentioned two times on this page, so far. It does seem that being a cabana boy is better than being a contractor. Since I know so little about these matters I need to know this. Are there cabana girls?
Hugs to the tribe.
no dip, there are no cabana girls...the closest you could get would be a giesha girl....
they are highly trained, unlike the cabana boys who learn by the seat of their pants, or lack thereof..
Excuses, excuses, excuses. Then he hugs me and says "I'm sorry." (Yes, you are.) Then he says, "I understand." (No, you do not.) Then he says, "I'm sorry I've started this new job and I'm working so much lately." URGH! I responded that I was not sorry that he is working hard, and that is NOT what this is about.
I took the day off today because I'm such a freakin' mess that I knew I couldn't go to work.
I told him that because I needed MC, I would e-mail MC, I would get available times from MC, I would CC him. If he could please respond to the e-mail with the times that would work for him, that would be great.
Now I cried on the phone, so WH is going stir-fucking crazy calling every five minutes. Because I'm upset, so he's anxious and has to make sure that I'm not going to throw myself down the stairs.(He has called five times in the last half-hour. Oops, make that six.) Which, BTW, is exactly how OW manipulated him. Idiot.
I am upset today. Just needed to vent. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...
i am glad that you are making the appt..
he fucked up, no doubt about it....he has a new reality and he will have to live within its confines if he chooses to make your marriage work...doing everything he can to make you feel safe is one of his biggest jobs on this endeavor......
casually mentioning something and then disappearing will only serve to hamper progress...
i'm sorry nell...it really sucks when they fuck up, the hurt just intensifies....
if ukgirl were around she has the perfect name for our ws's when they fuck up...."fuckwit".....
Anyway, no time now to rewrtie. Can one write a post on the regular computer's word processor and then copy and paste?
I'll get back to everyone later.
Allgood - Maybe we can go to Retro together. Your H and mine have much in common! No communication skills!!!
Omg - that would be hysterical!!!!!
It actually started off well with WH starting to talk about how he recognizes that he has shut himself off emotionally, because he is afraid that he will feel bad if/when he starts to feel anything. So I say welcome to my world. And, BTW the lack of emotions from WH is pushing me away. So, I'm thinking...Wow, he's really turning a corner here...and then is goes straight downhill from there. He says that it hurts him when I say that nothing has really changed, after all he is making a point of going to get me Starbucks coffee in the morning when he is home, has brought me flowers, set up a webcam so I can watch him sleep during Skype when he is gone (which is 5-6 nights/week). WH is still so surprised at the depth of my sadness and anger and he thinks that I just look at the negative in everything and discount anything positive that WH has done. He doesn't see how I will ever be satisfied in life. So once again, I lose it and get angry. I told him that I WAS satisfied with my life and marriage until I found out he had a GF for 4 years and lied to me about it for 5 years. Then we're back to the lying thing again...which is a real sore spot for me. (Nothing like picking at that scab, thank you very much.) So ONCE AGIN I tell him that he NO LONGER ENJOYS MY COMPLETE AND UTTER TRUST in him and that from now until the end of time I will question every single thing he does or says he does for me, everything he says to me and especially the things he has not said to me. Because he tells me that he gets me coffee because he loves me and wants to show his love for me, does not mean that I trust that that is his motivation. His LTA and deceit killed some part of me that can never be replaced. I trusted this man with every single fiber of my being, and he repeatedly stabbed me in the back. He still cannot see or appreciate the seriousness of the consequences of his actions.
I was pleasantly numb these past few days and WH says that it hurts him that I'm happy feeling numb. While he understands why I wouldn't want to feel pain, it hurts him that I'm not missing him. I'm speechless tribe. A few posts back I asked all of you about how acting "normal" might lead WH to think that everything really was normal. I guess I have my answer. WH still doesn't get it and I'm getting more and more convinced that he never will.