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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, I may have to revisit "Hogwarts" again, but first I wanted to make a stop in Middle Earth. I used to read Lord of the Rings at least every year or two since I was in my teens. I don't know if I'm ready for the "Twilight" series!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its a super quickie: saw this online and needed to post it..

How to Practice Radical Acceptance

By an eHow Contributor

I want to do this! What's This? ..

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.
.
Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

.1

Love and be gentle with yourself. Understand that real love must come from within. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love.


2

Praise yourself. Tell yourself how well you are doing and stop criticizing yourself. Write down things you have done that make you feel proud and refer to it when you're experiencing feelings of self-doubt.


3

Accept yourself. Don't listen to the little voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Accept the way you are, right now, without judgment.


4

Find ways to support yourself. Practice radical acceptance by reaching out to friends and loved ones and allowing them to support you.


5

Forgive yourself. Have compassion for yourself and where you are in your life. Acknowledge any real or perceived wrongs that you may have perpetrated in the past. Apologize if you have wronged others, and then let it go.


6

Lend a helping hand to others. Not only will it make a difference in their lives, but you will feel better and more positive about yourself.


7

Take care of your body, and accept it lovingly. Learn about exercise and nutrition and get adequate rest. Nurture yourself and allow yourself to feel good.
.

Read more: How to Practice Radical Acceptance | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2078558_practice-radical-acceptance.html#ixzz11gkBgXhz


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Radical acceptance. Huh. That pesky "praise yourself" goes against my Lake Woebegone-ish upbringing, but otherwise I'm practicing it without even realizing it!

It's all about SELF. And Self needs to start practicing

accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice

when it comes to WH's actions (or rather inactions). Hey, Self, stop looking for what "should be" and accept "what is." Self is excessively frustrated with WH right now, which is showing up as choking anger. Self is controlling it/self-soothing very nicely, though. So... good job, Self! There. Praised Self.

[ETA to fix a couple rambling WTFs.]

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 11:53 AM, October 7th (Thursday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for those who are farther along than I....I am just over 3 mos. since DDay and am actually having a few good days in a row. By good that means that I don't mind too much being around other people, have not cried and have only been on SI 3-4 times/day. Both WH and I are in IC/MC, he is as transparent as he can be with being on the road 5-6 days/week and is trying to do what I need to heal. This may sound stupid but here is my concern....

If I start to feel better and I'm not crying all the time, won't WH think that everything is now back to normal? He doesn't seem to "get it" unless I'm losing control with anger or sadness. I don't want to be a martyr or hard-headed, but I'm afraid that unless I keep the pressure up the changes that he says he is making will be even slower to develop. Does this even make sense?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish, I'm glad to hear that you are having a few good days. Just be yourself. Unfortunately, this is a process, and there will be a roller coaster of emotions. There are days that you will feel good, and days that you won't, so be prepared.

Keep up the communication with WH. If he is doing everything right as you say, hopefully there will more and more good days to come.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,

It is my belief the WS will either get or or he or she will not. We cannot control their thoughts and feelings. You can share with him what you need, but if it takes a a tantrum to get a response, then he is responding to end the tantrum, not to help you heal. Remember, that healing you is all your work. Your WS can make a safe space where you do not feel threatened by new betrayals, he or she can give you the information you need to understand what occured and why, but the healing is our job.

For many, myself included, we become more comfortable and less obsessed after a few months, and then about 4 - 6 months the real anger can begin to appear. In my case I quit worrying was she still doing the A or going to do it again, and shifted to how dare she have done that to us.

((strongish))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... I like that post...

Honest... I hope you are moving toward independence..

Strong.. so you know, it took me 11 months of pure hell before I had any strenght to control myself... "getting in touch with my own feelings"... Your "need to know" stuff just needs to happen and nothing you can do about it, but ask... seek... then at some point, you know enough... the anger passes... It's hard. I cried everyday at some point during the day for 3 months. Good luck and stay postive...

Peace out!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:47 PM, October 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is my belief the WS will either get or or he or she will not.
This is part of what's confusing me though...some days he seems to get it and others I wonder who the hell he is?

You can share with him what you need, but if it takes a a tantrum to get a response, then he is responding to end the tantrum, not to help you heal.
On the surface, anyone would look at what he's saying and think "Wow! He's really pulling out all the stops to make this right for her." But in reality, little has changed. Sure, he's nicer, tries to "do" things for me but he's still emotionally frozen. Our IC/MC seems to think I'm looking for too much too soon, but if I have a few good days, then WH seems shocked when I have a meltdown. It's like he's surprised that I'm sad or angry when everything was calm for a few days.

I've actually TOLD him this and he says he understands that it's going to take me a long time to get over the trauma, but then he is taken aback when I'm sad again.

[This message edited by strongish at 7:58 PM, October 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he says he understands that it's going to take me a long time to get over the trauma, but then he is taken aback when I'm sad again.

BTDT

(strongish)


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Strongish

If I start to feel better and I'm not crying all the time, won't WH think that everything is now back to normal? .........unless I keep the pressure up the changes that he says he is making will be even slower to develop.

I know exactly what you mean. H and I have just had three great nights at this idyllic place. i tried really hard not to trigger and was successful most of the time.

We are now at children's house. Just after we arrived (kids were out). he gave me a hug and said he had a great time over last few days. I began to feel sad and told him that just because I'd been ok that it didn't mean I was ok!!! he said he knew that and understood that I was still really hurting.

I think he "gets it". I hope so. I also sometimes think he has forgotten all about it. I suppose time will tell if he really does understand how devastating his affairs have been - totally changed my life. I'm lucky i suppose in that when I do get upset he is always patient and loving. I hope all is ok!

ats

In my case I quit worrying was she still doing the A or going to do it again, and shifted to how dare she have done that to us.

I seem to see-saw between the two at present. No there are three things

1. How could you have done this to us????

2. How dare you have done this to us???

3. Will you do this to us again

I bounce from one to the other from day to day and even during each day

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish:

I think your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable.
I also think its remarkable that you are doing so well ( a relative term, here. Lol.) But, really - I think you are doing well.

Having said that, you still have a long way to go, unfortunately, but take comfort inthe fact that you appear to be ahead of the curve.

I think the concern about what will happen if the A ceases to be an ever present topic, etc. on a regular basis in your marriage is related to boundaries.

I sometimes feel the same way thatyou do, and I admit, I havent' thought the whole thing out yet because I'm having the worst week ever, separate & apart from stuff going on with my M.
But, anyhoo-
I think that once we feel that our spouse's actually "get it", that their boundaries are strong, that there is renewed intimacy, etc. we won't feel like they will forget what an awful thing they did.
Just my 2 cents.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out H is throwing me a surprise birthday party. Because of my never ending snooping nothing much gets past me anymore.

H has never ever gone out of his way or has never put much thought into gifts. I know it's his way of trying "to make it up to me". Hopefully it won't be too big of a party (I hate being the center of attention). And now I'm a wreck over it.

Tryn - I did talk to H about Retro and he shrugs his shoulders. It's not a no but it's not a yes either. I'm working on it. If I can get him to go before I throw the towel in and run off with that cabana boy it will be a miracle. I'm also going to try to find another IC because this anger is going to kill me literally.

Allgood - Maybe we can go to Retro together. Your H and mine have much in common! No communication skills!!!

And then to make matters worse, I got this contractor I work with telling me he has feelings for me. I flat out told him that I was not going there. He was wasting his time I was not interested and I would never ever do such a thing. That is bugging me also. What is wrong with these people? I have enough problems with the idiot I'm married to!!

I'm too old for this shit!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun:

i loved your post especially:

I got this contractor I work with telling me he has feelings for me.

as annoying as this seem to be for you, i love that someone is indeed noticing what a wonderful woman you are....

mr fun is throwing you a party....his intentions are good ones on this so yes this is a start...

and just book retro and tell him you did and you expect him to go.....no ifs ands or buts...and let him know that other men are finding you desirable in the interim, but you are choosing to try to work this out with him and the least he could do is to do whatever you come up with to help this along....you both have the same objective afterall don't you....for you to heal and for you both to move on from this...


allgood: not sure what is goin on with you, but we are here whenever you are ready...


strong:

I've actually TOLD him this and he says he understands that it's going to take me a long time to get over the trauma, but then he is taken aback when I'm sad again

this is normal...as much as he says he knows, it still feels like a kick in the gut when it happens...and for him, i am sure he sees the light everytime you are not sad, then when you are sad its like someone shut the light and he cannot see it anymore and fear takes over...

and...as with everything, just because you know it doesn't make it any easier when it happens...


nell:

[ETA to fix a couple rambling WTFs.]


ats:

It is my belief the WS will either get or or he or she will not. We cannot control their thoughts and feelings. You can share with him what you need, but if it takes a a tantrum to get a response, then he is responding to end the tantrum, not to help you heal.

very well put......whether or not (s)he gets it is HUGE for us....even those of us not in r, for some reason we still want to know that they get it.....and what a great way to discern between actually getting it and giving lip service....

do the actions match the words....

this is a really big big statement....if the words are not backed up with affirming actions then no, (s)he does not get it and is indeed saying what needs to be said to move on from an uncomfortable place for him/her....

this is how i knew i was never in reconcilliation...his words and his actions didn't always match up and they must ALWAYS match up....there is that other old saying "you are only as good as your word"...well if your words are shit well then i guess that make you a load of shit....


honest: the twilight series: well i am reading it because all of my kids did and were big into it, and every movie needs to be seens by them, they cannot wait for normal hours it has to be the midnight showing now....anyways...i did do the movie thing with them, but my dd in particular kept asking me to read it...i saw it as an opportunity to maintain the closeness we now share by giving us another commonality...as you know when you have peeps that you can have "book talks" with, its a thoroughly bonding experience....

i may have to do the lord in the rings series someday so that we could have one of those "book talks".....

anyways as i ramble on, the main point is...save your reading for better things...the twilight series is o.k., nothing earth shattering yet, i am on the second book....they are so so much like the movies...the first movie was terrible...lousy direction and lousy acting except for the kid who played jake...the second movie was much better...and the kid that plays jake is cabana boy material....big time...so this is a really good incentive for the next midnight showing of the next movie whenever that is...

dip if you actually stuck through reading that part of my post to honest...yes i did mention "cabana boy"...if you didn't i will just let you know now there was obviously a slight mention of it...

tryn: i am glad that you cannot seem to stay away, i believe you are an inspiration to many....there are so many here trying to do what you are accomplishing....its a light for all to see....that beacon of hope is very powerful you know...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I may have missed one or two but I think cabana boy was mentioned two times on this page, so far. It does seem that being a cabana boy is better than being a contractor. Since I know so little about these matters I need to know this. Are there cabana girls?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

no dip, there are no cabana girls...the closest you could get would be a giesha girl....

they are highly trained, unlike the cabana boys who learn by the seat of their pants, or lack thereof..



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been very good about keeping my feelings and thoughts under control. Until this morning. WH went out with "some guys from work" yesterday without bothering to check in with me at all. He asked if going out bothered me. I said that the fact that he didn't check in or think about how it perhaps might affect me bothered me. That I didn't know where he was or who he was with. That he was acting the exact same way now as he was when he was f-ing his mistress behind my f-ing back for two f-ing years and yeah it bothers me that he doesn't seem to worry about ME or MY FEELINGS or consider me a priority. (Can you say escalation?) Howevah. I should be okay with it because WH mentioned that he MIGHT be going out with "some of the guys" on Wednesday or Thursday earlier in the week. He has not been calling me lately before work or half the time during the work day. He calls for 3 minutes on his way home. Howevah. I should not complain because I don't call him either and he doesn't like it either. He has been ignoring me and our marriage lately. Howevah. I should be okay with that because he's busy with work and he assures me that I am "a priority". He hasn't bothered to return an e-mail about MC or set up a date (we lost our babysitter but have a list of three... got the list last week). Howevah. He is busy and after all he asked about the babysitters! He hasn't set aside any time to go out on a date with me. Howevah. (Please see previous babysitter excuse plus the previous busy with work excuse.)

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Then he hugs me and says "I'm sorry." (Yes, you are.) Then he says, "I understand." (No, you do not.) Then he says, "I'm sorry I've started this new job and I'm working so much lately." URGH! I responded that I was not sorry that he is working hard, and that is NOT what this is about.

I took the day off today because I'm such a freakin' mess that I knew I couldn't go to work.

I told him that because I needed MC, I would e-mail MC, I would get available times from MC, I would CC him. If he could please respond to the e-mail with the times that would work for him, that would be great.

Now I cried on the phone, so WH is going stir-fucking crazy calling every five minutes. Because I'm upset, so he's anxious and has to make sure that I'm not going to throw myself down the stairs.(He has called five times in the last half-hour. Oops, make that six.) Which, BTW, is exactly how OW manipulated him. Idiot.

I am upset today. Just needed to vent. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nell)))

i am glad that you are making the appt..

he fucked up, no doubt about it....he has a new reality and he will have to live within its confines if he chooses to make your marriage work...doing everything he can to make you feel safe is one of his biggest jobs on this endeavor......

casually mentioning something and then disappearing will only serve to hamper progress...

i'm sorry nell...it really sucks when they fuck up, the hurt just intensifies....

if ukgirl were around she has the perfect name for our ws's when they fuck up...."fuckwit".....

(((nell))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote a long post twice over the last 45 minutes only to have it go *poof*!!

Anyway, no time now to rewrtie. Can one write a post on the regular computer's word processor and then copy and paste?

I'll get back to everyone later.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - Maybe we can go to Retro together. Your H and mine have much in common! No communication skills!!!

Omg - that would be hysterical!!!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell...I'm right there with ya today. WH had another telephone argument. They are really so fun.

It actually started off well with WH starting to talk about how he recognizes that he has shut himself off emotionally, because he is afraid that he will feel bad if/when he starts to feel anything. So I say welcome to my world. And, BTW the lack of emotions from WH is pushing me away. So, I'm thinking...Wow, he's really turning a corner here...and then is goes straight downhill from there. He says that it hurts him when I say that nothing has really changed, after all he is making a point of going to get me Starbucks coffee in the morning when he is home, has brought me flowers, set up a webcam so I can watch him sleep during Skype when he is gone (which is 5-6 nights/week). WH is still so surprised at the depth of my sadness and anger and he thinks that I just look at the negative in everything and discount anything positive that WH has done. He doesn't see how I will ever be satisfied in life. So once again, I lose it and get angry. I told him that I WAS satisfied with my life and marriage until I found out he had a GF for 4 years and lied to me about it for 5 years. Then we're back to the lying thing again...which is a real sore spot for me. (Nothing like picking at that scab, thank you very much.) So ONCE AGIN I tell him that he NO LONGER ENJOYS MY COMPLETE AND UTTER TRUST in him and that from now until the end of time I will question every single thing he does or says he does for me, everything he says to me and especially the things he has not said to me. Because he tells me that he gets me coffee because he loves me and wants to show his love for me, does not mean that I trust that that is his motivation. His LTA and deceit killed some part of me that can never be replaced. I trusted this man with every single fiber of my being, and he repeatedly stabbed me in the back. He still cannot see or appreciate the seriousness of the consequences of his actions.

I was pleasantly numb these past few days and WH says that it hurts him that I'm happy feeling numb. While he understands why I wouldn't want to feel pain, it hurts him that I'm not missing him. I'm speechless tribe. A few posts back I asked all of you about how acting "normal" might lead WH to think that everything really was normal. I guess I have my answer. WH still doesn't get it and I'm getting more and more convinced that he never will.


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