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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep Purple, It was wonderful to hear that you are bonding more with your daughters and that you feel you are correcting things in the marriage that you felt contributed to any problems

BUT

Although it can be understandable why your WW may have felt lonely, raised your DDs while you were working and had FOO issues, THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Many BS's and I have all had FOO issues, were left alone to fend for the family, either because or WS's were working or drinking, etc, BUT we did NOT CHOOSE to have an affair.

I am not trying to stir up a hornet's nest with you, just to reinterate what I'm sure you have read many, many times: it is NOT the BS's fault that the WS had an affair.

Granted, it's good to understand the reasons why, and it does help us deal with it more and it helps us forgive them if the WS had big issues within themselves and made a bad choice.

Your WW is very lucky to have you, and so are your daughters, I was crying when I read your post. I have been sick with bronchitis these past few weeks, I have a history of having it all my life. I remember when I was 13 and sick with it, my father and mother had just been divorced. My father came to visit and just wrapped me in his arms, I cried and I felt 100% better. But, then he left and I didn't see him again for another month or so.

You are giving a great gift to your girls by being more involved in their lives.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - thank you. I know its not my fault & that its no excuse. She made a poor choice & we have to live with that.
Your support & that of many others here on SI is wonderful. Thank you Tribe.
PS Yr response made me cry!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

remember, they will marry their dads, so become who you would like to see them marry
This is the main reason that I am trying to keep this "secret" my our kids. DD is about to turn 22 and worships her Dad. How do I explain to her that he had a GF for >4 years? She was "cheated on" by her BF last spring and she was devastated. I was angry for her...guess I now know why WH's response was more mild.

WH just left for another business trip. In a way I'm very relieved. The only time I'm 100% I can trust him is when he and I are in the same house, but the past few days it's been one trigger after another. OW is from Chile and the news of the rescue of the miners from there has been constant. Plus, WH has said over and over what a great story it is...how happy he is for the Chileans...blah, blah, blah... He's so dense he doesn't even realize what a trigger it is for me! He seriously doesn't get it!!

I also spent time today re-starting some work with a previous employer. Frankly, I don't want to increase my work load but when I was contacted I was afraid to not take on the work in case I need to ramp up to full-time in order to support myself.

I feel like I am in a Catch-22. I stay in a M with my oblivious WH, able to visit my bi-coastal kids, work part-time but with a spouse that is emotional stunted. Or I get a D and have to start over again at the age of 50, go back to work full-time in order to get health insurance and live paycheck to paycheck. (WH makes 4 times what I can make.) I don't like either of those choices and I really hate that I didn't cause this but I'm the one paying for it. Like I need to tell you all of this. Thanks for "listening" tribe.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening all.
Mini-vent.
Last week, I became very upset when I was unable to reach my H by phone for several hours while he was playing basketball. Turns out he left his phone at home, but I didn't find this out til 1am when he returned (which was a pretty normal time for him to return.) So, I had gotten myself nice & upset by that point as this was one of the ways he would sneak out and see ow without me knowing.
So, I actually didn't blow up at him last week, just told him how I felt, etc. very calmly. I even ignored the fact that H was sort of joking about it. The next morning he apologized for making light of it (without me raising the topic - which is rare for him) and said how about I call you when I'm playing so you can hear that I'm there? I said that would be nice.
So........
Here it is basketball night and..... where is my phone call?
I'm actually not feeling suspicious, but the point is - he told me he would call last week & he didn't. I'm sure he doesn't even remember he said this, or maybe this was him joking and I took it literally?
IDK. I seriously do not understand how someone in my H's shoes could not appreciate he is hanging by a thread and that he cannot afford to lose anymore credibility.
So stupid. I'm actually not mad, I'm just dumbfounded...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura and Miracel - My H was never there for the kids either. He never made time for them, they were more of a pain in the ass to him. They always thought he was a "dickhead" and now they added "asshole" into the mix. I used to cry because he had no relationship with them. I don't cry over that anymore because now I know my kids were right...he is a "dickhead."

And when he was told to get out of the house, he begged and pleaded. He didn't want to lose me or his kids.

I will not put up with his moodiness or him being mean. It's funny after putting up with this for most of my marriage, I have not seen this since Dday. And he knows if I see this again, he's gone!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun
Once I started re-connecting with the kids they really rammed it home one day - a public holiday was approaching & they asked if I was working or staying at home with them. ouch!
It was so good when I told them that I was spending my time with them - the joy on their faces almost made me cry.
My life isnt perfect but I truely appreciate what I have.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shout out to our own fun...having a birthday...i hope you had a great day, did something special and most importantly get whatever you wished for....

happy birthday fun.....


strong: i could relate to your post in a big way....i too will be 50 and there is not a chance that i can earn enough to live where i live let alone be able to stay in my home, help my kids with college costs, never mind getting myself covered medically....if push comes to shove and i have to do it i will......i actually will not think twice if pfm turns back into monster man again....it would be worth it on so many levels....the only level that would scare me would be manchild, the only child i worry about with this....not sure how he would take it and if he would turn to other outlets as a way to cope...but if monster man is back it wouldn't matter anymore....those days are gone....as they are for you and fun.....


allgood: i do have to say i think your ws get the stupid award this week....isn't it amazing that even when they are doing anything really wrong they still get it wrong... ......



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

H is home again so very difficult to post as he "hovers" at times. He has no idea about computers so I can usually hide what I'm doing. (BTW I do not plan to teach him anything either. Means he can't learn to use it to contact any old or new whores)

Interesting to note the number of us who had monster mean Hs while they were having As.

I always think his nastiness was to do with his guilt. Do you think so?

Also many say that if mean H returns that they will bail out of M. I have decided that. I always thought that somehow I was in the wrong. He even said to me on several occassions that I "gave him the shits". When I think back about the nasty times I now become so angry. I think "but I was trying and you were fucking your whores!!! You didn't have to try - you had them to make you feel good. While I went to bed at night feeling miserable, inadequate and wondering why the sex was so blah". I even used to think that because he was getting older he just wasn't into it so much. Little did I know!!!

Anyway, now all is sweetness and light. Falls over himself trying to do things for me and make me happy. What I want to know is how long this will last for? While the Hb is still very good, I can sense a slight lessening of the effort. Will be interesting to see if more changes occur in his general attentiveness and sex over next few months.

At present I'm leaving my options open. My position is that he can stay while I feel that I am happier with him than I would be without and while my tech toys tell me he is behaving. Whether it's better to have him here for help with the kids, the sex, the loving cuddles or mowing the lawn.

Don't get me wrong. I know I was not the perfect wife. And I am working on the areas where I know I was not the best wife I could be. Having said that, I believe he carries the major burden now for our M. It is his responsibility to prove to me that he's worth that effort and worth keeping.

As I said - he needs to prove to me that I would be happier with him than without.

So I guess I am no longer the little den mother who sacrifices herself for the family. I would DIE for my kids but NOT for him. Now the kids come first, I come second and he is last until I feel he deserves otherwise!!!

Hope you are all having a good day/evening/night

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No fun

I used to cry because he had no relationship with them. I don't cry over that anymore because now I know my kids were right...he is a "dickhead."

And when he was told to get out of the house, he begged and pleaded. He didn't want to lose me or his kids.

I will not put up with his moodiness or him being mean. It's funny after putting up with this for most of my marriage, I have not seen this since Dday. And he knows if I see this again, he's gone!!

I could have written this word for word. I used to feel so sorry for him that the kids had no time for him (as they got older and even more so now). I used to try to tell him so many times that he needed to make time for them and be interested in them. He'd make an effort for a day or two and then not bother. Now I think he deserves what he got. I've often actually thought that if he did leave for an OW the kids would have nothing to do with him. Suspect he knows that too.

So his choice is not me or the OW it is me or the family. I actually think the kids now tolerate him for my sake.

That is SO SAD!!!!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NO FUN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NO FUN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NO FUN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NO FUN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NO FUN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NO FUN

LAURA


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I know my kids tolerate H for the sake of me. My son says the only reason he does the things my H asks is for me. It is very sad.

If it wasn't for SI and this LTA forum, I would have thought that I was the only one that had a H like this. It's horrible for all of us; but comforting to know that other people can relate to these kinds of situations. It doesn't make you feel like you are all alone.

Thanks for the b-day wishes. H threw me a surprise party. He invited friends I haven't seen in years. He has never done anything like that for me. I guess it was his way of trying to say he cares or he's sorry.

My sister said she could tell he is trying as best he knows how.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOFUN!!!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and your wonderful children. I will keep them in my prayers.

You've had TOO much to deal with and I admire your strength and fortitude.

I also like your attitude, it' like a famous newspaper columnist (who has now passed away) used to say all the time: "Are you better with him or without him?" Just a simple common sense question that I think all of us are thinking about. Of course, for many of us, it's hard to even look at that when we are so devastated and heartbroken.

{{{{Laura}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really want to thank everyone for your support. I don't know what I would do without you guys.

Now, I am going to reread and take notes, I have mush for brains.

Love and prayers to all of you!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yay mr fun....i am glad he gave you a surprise party....

me: i would hate it...got that pfm for when you do read this...no party for me...maybe a spa weekend for me and a friend of my choice....no party...


i still hold out hope for at least 2 of my kids for having a relationship with their dad.....pfm though is inept at being a dad...i believe he will never have more then a courtesy relationship with his daughter, and my last son might also turn out that way too.....only manchild i think will maintain something else....i don't know why but i get the sense because of his idealism he will be the one to maintain some kind of contact in later years......

i sit back a watch how he still lets opportunity after opportunity pass to bond with his kids, or even treat them with the respect they deserve as people....he is still too busy trying to vie for my attention....i am starting to find him a sad excuse of a dad.....and i know he will end up alone....i am sure he will find another woman, he is not the type to be alone...but he will never ever find what he had and never knew he had....

and me: i will move on and i am keeping a positive attitude, i will find a man who will treat me the way i deserve in all aspects...my only fear is that i will have lost my teeth by then.. ....but that won't stop me from havin some fun..


laura:love the attitude....

At present I'm leaving my options open. My position is that he can stay while I feel that I am happier with him than I would be without and while my tech toys tell me he is behaving. Whether it's better to have him here for help with the kids, the sex, the loving cuddles or mowing the lawn.

so i am hopin he is at least smart enough to keep it up...in more ways then one..


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Fun! And I'm glad Mr. Fun went the extra mile for your bday.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, now all is sweetness and light. Falls over himself trying to do things for me and make me happy. What I want to know is how long this will last for? While the Hb is still very good, I can sense a slight lessening of the effort. Will be interesting to see if more changes occur in his general attentiveness and sex over next few months.

This is so true for me as well. WH goes to get me my latte in the morning and has been doing all the little, annoying repairs around the house that haven't been done for years. Like any of that is going to make for the fact that he had a GF for 4 years!

i am sure he will find another woman, he is not the type to be alone...but he will never ever find what he had and never knew he had....

And this is the crux of the matter. Like your WH Miracle, my WH still doesn't appreciate what he had/has. As I said, he's trying hard to do little things like get my coffee, do the small repairs, but he has not made any significant changes in his travel. Oh he'll tell you that he's "trying" but there is always some excuse.

If the $$ weren't an issue I would ask for a separation tomorrow.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopping on to say Happy Birthday, nofun!!!

And I am back to battling anger again. *sigh* Angry for so much crap that WH has brought into my life over the years (especially over the last two years but not limited to that time period), and the way he is not dealing with it now. Just pretending all is well in our little f-ed up world, la-dee-da-dee-doo.

Weird thing is, while he is not in the geographic area, I have a burning, tingling anger... I can feel it in my arms, you know? But when he's in front of me the anger subsides and I'm able to have a civil conversation with him and even give empathy for stress at his job. Then I get in my car and yell expletives at him all the way to and from work (30-minute commute) in between singing to CDs.

I'm like the worst movie you've ever seen. There's no telling what's going to happen next and nothing makes any sense.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday NoFun and way to go Mr. NoFun for making your b'day extra special for you. I agree with your sister that "he's trying as best he knows how."

So all this talk about absentee dads made me think of a song that I used to tell my H was written for him. Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OqwKfgLaeA&feature=related

I really wonder why these guys don't get it and by the time they do, for some it's too late. Fortunately they can turn things around if they really try and our children will respond because a relationship with either parent is something each of us wants deep down.
Honest - just sending lots of hugs to you. I was happy to hear you are starting to let some of your anger out and you see, you didn't lose control. Has your H tried calling since or is he respecting your need for some space?

I always think his nastiness was to do with his guilt. Do you think so?

Laura - absolutely and how else could they have lived with themselves if they weren't always looking at us critically and finding fault. They couldn't bear to look at their sins so had to turn it on us in order to live with themselves. Still makes me angry when I think of the moodiness I tolerated until I knew what it was all about.
but he will never ever find what he had and never knew he had....

Miracle - this is the saddest part to me - they have no clue how great it can be - what it is they could have, how absolutely beautiful life can be when we are truly connected to those who love us and who we love in return. A real pity IMHO.
Sending out a warm welcome to all our newbies. It always makes me a little sad to see some many new names.
You have found a wonderful place here and will receive so much support with people who know firsthand what you are going through. None of us on here could have come this far without the warmth and concern of the wonderful people here.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, October 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: Thanks for the perspective about older DS's. They do think I should just dump WH, actually have felt this way for years. They always said they didn't like the way he treated me. I've asked for their patience and support for far too long, years in fact even before DDay. We've had many issues with WH and DS's over the years. WH was/is very jealous of DS34 and ironically, I gave more attention to WH. This is another aspect that I should remember to get me motivated.
I hope you are doing well with your alligators!!

Nell: Thank you for reminding me to get into the habit of acting on my own inner power/strength. That is a good thing to focus on. My problem has been lately that I couldn't seem to find it , let alone harness it.
It is so hard to deal with WH that acts like all is well and to deal with you anger. I think what you are doing is a good thing yelling in the car! BUT, when you are calmer, it may be good to take one issue and journal it and then talk about it calmly with WH. He needs to understand that pretending all is right with the world, doesn't make it so. {{{{Nell}}}

Nofun: Again HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I'm glad Mr. Nofun stepped up to the plate and tried to do something "grand" for you. In this case, although it's not really what you need from him, try to take with the perspective of his intention that he is trying to do "something". I hope you had FUN at the party!

Petunia: I'm sorry you are dealing with your child getting in trouble in school It is really hard to deal with life's inevitables when we are just trying to survive the mess our WS's have put us in.
WH says you are making him feel guilty?? So ask him how you and he are going to deal with that? Perhaps if he steps up to the plate he might allieve some of his guilt in a postive manner.
I read your post about your parents and your M. We all go into marriage with certain expectations. When we decide to marry our spouse, we feel that they share our idea of what we will do in life. It is natural that if we have kids, that both spouses would work together as a family unit. It is natural to expect team work and so difficult when one spouse doesn't do what is necessary for the family.

Strongish: Like you, I am also having trouble dealing with the knowledge that I have to start over with everything and never be able to maintain my lifestyle. I sacrificed those years for WH where I could have been making money and building up a pension, etc. As Miracle has often advised, "take the path of least regret"

Allgood: When I read your posts, it makes me feel like it's me writing from the past with xWH. He was a NYCfirefighter and was very active with softball, being on Fire dept teams in addition to regular "bar leagues". In winter, he played Ice hocky for the FD and touch football. Always on the go and never home.
I do fully understand what you mean about feeling lonely. I was working full time and taking care of the kids and I didn't know where WH was half the time (no cell phones then) Granted, when xWH WAS home, he did more than his share, but I didn't feel like a team as you are saying. Everyone used to tell me that xWH would "grow up", but I don't think he ever really did. (Peter Pan I used to call him), although he WAS very responsible in so many other areas, like taking care of the bills, going to work.
Allgood, I hope you are still going to MC and IC.
Stop doing everything and letting resentment build up.
I know it may sound impossible, BUT try to get a babysitter and go to some of those basketball games to watch him and cheer him. Let him know you are intersested and he loves this and you see he is really good at it BUT you want to work with him as a team the way he plays with the guys and works on the force.....as a TEAM.
Maybe right now, don't focus on your feelings for him, but just to work on the practical issues of parenting and what needs to be done in the house. Stop being Superwoman. I was doing that for much too long and what happened was that I was never appreciated, and it became "MY JOB" to do everything. It was expected and more was put on my lap because I was so "capable"
I'm sorry, Allgood, I'm just being upset for you. {{{{Allgood}}}}

I will finish this never ending post later!!

ETA: forgot to put Stongish's name in front of my reply to her. I'm scatterbrained.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:02 PM, October 14th (Thursday)]


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