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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who are Catholic or religious or spiritual, how do you reconcile your feelings of anger and fury at the OW with the requirement that we forgive those who "have trespassed against us?"

I'm Catholic and I'm not going to be popular but I have no intention of forgiving OW. In fact, I curse her every waking hour. I can't even repeat here what I wish would happen to her. You'd all think I was the most horrible person you've ever known.

If you can forgive OW and move on, you are all much better people than me.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,
I am not better people than you.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would be the point of me expending enough energy on her to forgive her? It pisses me off that she ever even enters my mind. Hopefully someday that will cease. I just keep reminding myself 2-5 years.

I promised myself that if I didn't feel at least some amount better after a year I would leave. But I do feel better. Not great, but better.

And you know what? I'm REALLY looking forward to Christmas this year. I was so miserable at Christmas last year, but my oldest DS declared it our best Christmas ever, and I realized even then at the time it really was. For teh first time, WH helped with EVERYTHING Christmas eve and I was in bed early and he wasn't drunk . . . it was great. Except the pain but this year I have big hopes.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: all I can say is "Wow" at calling OW. You showed a tremendous amount of restraint and class. You were right not to ask any questions. Let her think she was nothing and you guys are fine. That is enough revenge.

fnf: I'm Catholic too, (seems a lot of us are here.....wonder why?) but more "spiritual", KWIM? (12 years of Catholic school, 11 years TEACHING in a catholic school, even "certified" to teach religion, (God I sound like a goody two shoes....but I was smoking in the girls room in HS!!!)
Forgiveness is a very, very hard thing to do. Some of the things that we are taught are not easy, like "turning the other cheek" etc. These things are goals to try to attain.

For me, I really feel deep down, that if we "let go, let God" in some of these areas, it really helps. What I mean, is that if we "pray" and really tell God, we know we should forgive, but as a human being, we are having a difficult time, God will be there for us. He will understand our motives, especially that when we are in such tremendous amount of pain, we don't do anything destructive ourselves. That in and of itself is a tremendous task. I truly believe God knows our pain and our struggles.

FNF, just in my opinion, the fact that you are struggling to find forgiveness and wondering how you can, is enough at this point. God understands. Let it go for now. Someday you may be ready for it.

FnF, as for giving "permission" for the A????

You know, as humans we are constantly seeking "why"??? Why did this happen? We need to find a reason, I think, so perhaps we can feel we have some control that it wouldn't happen again.

Give them permission??? You weren't giving them permission, you were saying you understood there was an attraction there.

If a cashier has the cash drawer open and says, "Go ahead, take as much as you want" doesn that mean I can do it?

Think about when you were a kid/teen and others are telling you "Go ahead and do (the forbidden thing) it's ok, no one will know.." If you do it, is it their fault?? It would be their fault to be mean and taunting to get someone to do the wrong thing. Is that what you were doing?

NO.

You know it, and so does God. If you believe OW thought it was permission, it is the same as my WH saying that he wasn't satisfied with the amount of sex we were having and then it was OK for him to go and screw someone else.

IT WAS THEIR DECISION. ONE sentence on your part that was NOT intended that way is NOT YOUR FAULT, not are you the cause of it.

Sorry, fnf, you have helped me so much, I'm just really feeling for you and am trying to help!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I'm glad to hear that you do feel a little bit better and can see light up ahead. It is so wonderful to hear you say you are looking FORWARD to something in the future. That is something we must all strive for.

Wow, about Baby Paddy! That will be something to look forward to this Christmas. It is the most amazing thing to see a baby's eyes when they see their first Christmas tree....all full of wonder. God bless you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can forgive OW and move on, you are all much better people than me.

If it makes you feel any better it's taken me close to 5 years to even begin to think seriously about forgiving her. Truthfully, I was too consumed with working on my M and forgiving my H to worry about the OW.
Who knows if you'll still feel this way after 4 or 5 years. Maybe you will but then again, maybe you'll start to say "if only for my own peace of mind." I hope so for your sake because as long as any of us hold onto that anger we are, on some level, hurting ourselves and sometimes, depending on how much anger and hatred we feel, we begin to develop health problems too.
Early on I remember reading the following quote and I copied it for myself.
"To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then to discover the prisoner was you." I love this and that is the motivation I have used for my own peace of mind and eventual healing. But like I said, I am close to 5 years out and only since I found out the OW has CA have I seriously considered some form of forgiveness toward her.
M3 - Thank you so much for your response. I love everything your priest said to you about this subject, especially the "piggyback God" statement.
I think for a while now I have satisfied myself with a kind of indifference toward her which I felt was good enough.
Another reason I think I'm thinking more about forgiving her (if only in my heart) is because of my sister's death. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I want so much to one day be with her again and I know that she is with God now so I have to make sure that I am "right with God" so that we can be together again. Who knows, maybe she is up there prompting these thoughts and feelings that I've been having lately.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:34 PM, October 21st (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: we were cross posting. I am sure your sister is up there watching and praying for you.

When we were very young, we were taught about "Purgatory"....they don't talk about it much now.

One of the religions believes that when bad things happen to good people on earth, we are spending our purgatory here on earth already and will go straight to heaven.....not sure what I really thing about this, but it's a thought!

If it is true, then all of us BS's will have a first class, non-stop ticket!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My instincts are saying that WH is lying through his teeth right now

Nell - the one thing you will read on here often is how our Ss have been consummate liars for most of their lives. It's a habit that probably developed very early on in their lives and one that most find impossible to break, if ever, especially if they are not going for C'ing.
And it's not just blatant lies that they're guilty of but lies of omission - which of course is how they were able to continue with their A's for so many years.
Have you made C'ing a dealbreaker for your H? Have you called him out on each and every lie he has told (that you knew to be a lie) after d-day?
And of course we are not the only ones they lie to. I am still in awe of my H's inability to tell the truth on even the simplest things.
I will stand there and listen to him tell someone a blatant lie of the least significance (Miracle, I know you know what I'm talking about) and no matter how many times I tell him how damaging this is to my ability to trust him, it is so much a part of him he seems incapable of changing this.
So I think as long as the infidelity is over, I will stay but continue to badger him to work on this terrible habit.
Now, I guess what I'm asking you in my long-winded way , is why do you see yourself headed for D?
Your post sounded like you are feeling it's inevitable.
Just remember, your d-day is very recent and the best advice we have all received here and in C'ing is to give yourself at least a year to make any major decisions. Sometimes it takes our S's a little longer to start to come out of their fog and begin to do the work necessary for R.
(((Nell)))
ETA - too many mistakes to leave in. I hope I caught them all.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:40 PM, October 21st (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell -- have you tried singing "Liar, liar pants on fire!" At him?

When we were very young, we were taught about "Purgatory"....they don't talk about it much now.

One of the religions believes that when bad things happen to good people on earth, we are spending our purgatory here on earth already and will go straight to heaven.....not sure what I really thing about this, but it's a thought!

Catholics believe some version of this too -- at least that was what I was taught in RCIA. I believe it was put as the idea that earthly suffering counts more than time in purgatory so if you suffer enough here then you might avoid purgatory.

WH mentioned the redemptive value of suffering after Dday. Ugh.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure your sister is up there watching and praying for you

Thank you Honest for this. You made me cry but happy tears.
One of the religions believes that when bad things happen to good people on earth, we are spending our purgatory here on earth already and will go straight to heaven.....not sure what I really thing about this, but it's a thought!

Honest - yes, I noticed too that we were cross-posting.
Actually I totally believe this and have believed it for a very long time.
If it is true, then all of us BS's will have a first class, non-stop ticket!


Thank you Honest, I had a good laugh over this one.

Did you notice Honest that I quoted everything from your post. Boy, you hit a "lot of nails on the head" for me with your post.
I also could have quoted and responded to each and every line in your first post too. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you wrote on the subject of forgiveness. I am also a product of 12 years of Catholic school (private, liberal college though) and all of my children had 12 years as well with 2 having 4 more years in college, the youngest choosing a large, public college ).
Also, I really expected a lot of 2x4s today but I should have known better. You are all too kind and supportive. Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this.
Hugs to a terrific group of people that I'm so happy to have found.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh FNF. I have written a very long post. Too long. The short version is you don’t have to forgive OW. That is between her and her God. The point to get to is indifference. Occasionally I still have surges of hatred towards MOW, but mostly I just don’t care. If she had some terminal illness, I’d feel the same.

My God, I could go on forever about stupid remarks and comments I made. Telephone calls with double entendre from him, begging the question, statement or retort I never made. We could all quietly go mad with this one, esp given the timescale of the LTA’s. So don’t do it. Don’t.

I could take every line of your post and throw it back to you, showing you how wrong you are. You were “glad to "unload" him on someone who could stroke his ego 24/7” because that’s what she offered. She was his mistress. That was her role. I wouldn’t mind betting they were already having an affair when you made that remark and that’s why your H was so bad-tempered. And not only that, you have said that she was one ugly bitch and I bet you thought your H was safe as houses around her. We all felt SAFE. We all felt SECURE. That’s why we could use these throw away remarks. I bet if you could go back in time and witness that little one line that you are beating yourself up over, you will find you didn’t say it quite like that, or at that moment, or with any underlying message to OW. You will find it buried in the conversation and I bet you have taken it out of context. Haven’t we all compared H’s and said things like “you should try being married to/sleeping with/trying to please my H”? That doesn’t mean to say I have ever meant it! You befriended this woman, you cared about her, you even felt a little sorry for her. She didn’t need any “permission” from you to fuck your H, she only needed it from herself.

You did NOT betray yourself. Exasperation and being fed up does not equate to betrayal. One statement. One comment. One remark. One little line of a few words. If you had actually sat her down and said “look, you are obviously in love with my H – that’s okay. If you want to have a physical relationship with him, that’s fine by me. In fact you would be taking some of that burden from me, because quite honestly, I can’t be bothered with it anymore. How do you feel about that? If you like, we can talk about it some more. In fact, why don’t you come over for dinner and we can talk about it around the table – just the three of us – and come up with some arrangement.” Now THAT would constitute giving her permission.

So, we’re all agreed on that one then.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - thank you so much for every single word in your post. I have been burderned with such guilt over this for such a long time, surpressing it but struggling all the time and feeling so complicit and ashamed for my part in their A and all of you have overwhelmed me with your responses. You have all helped to ease this burden I've been carrying around and now I just wish that I had posted this long ago.
If you had actually sat her down and said “look, you are obviously in love with my H – that’s okay. If you want to have a physical relationship with him, that’s fine by me. In fact you would be taking some of that burden from me, because quite honestly, I can’t be bothered with it anymore. How do you feel about that? If you like, we can talk about it some more. In fact, why don’t you come over for dinner and we can talk about it around the table – just the three of us – and come up with some arrangement.” Now THAT would constitute giving her permission.

UKG - You are so right and I never did nor ever would have done that - not ever. I loved my H and I never, ever wanted to share him.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, I am feeling that D is inevitable. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. I don't think it will be better, because every day that WH does not step up is another day that I wonder why I should bother.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life monitoring his words and actions for lies. I do not want to spend the rest of my life knowing that his convenience will take priority over anything else, including respect for me and for marriage. I do not want to spend the rest of my life going around WH to get my needs met because he doesn't wanna. I do not want to spend the rest of my life sacrificing and working my fingers to the bone (metaphorically) just to achieve a "good enough" marriage.

I deserve better than this. WH is not stepping up. He is letting me do all the work and if I don't do it then it doesn't get done. Frankly, if I'm going to do all the work then I should just get rid of the dead weight and make it easier on myself. I'm 38 years old, I'm beautiful, I'm strong, I'm smart and outside of all that I'm a freaking amazing person. I could be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life and loving my Boyos... with everything I have I love my Boyos...

I'm waiting for WH to step up and be my partner and he's not... he's not doing anything to become worthy of me. He's not worthy of me.

Is what I think today.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf:
feeling so complicit and ashamed for my part in their A

I hope then that you have been absolved of these feelings.
You were not complicit.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You had no part in their A.

I am praying that you have let this go. What a horrible burden to carry.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF -- how's BABY?! Baby Paddy is HUGE. 7 months old this past weekend and wearing 12 month clothes. I need to buy her clothes for the first time and I'm just OVERWHELMED.

M3 - Baby and mommy are doing great. Did I mention that he was 8lbs. 13oz. He is adorable - chubby cheeks, arms and legs and a full head of black hair.
I can only imagine how adorable Baby Paddy is and at 7 months they start to show their personalities. That was the stage that always got me in trouble because they're so darn cute at that age that I'd always start planning on my next baby.
Don't feel overwhelmed with shopping for her - unless it's because you know you're going to spend a bundle. Shopping for little girls is so much fun - I go into the stores to buy something for my granddaughter and someone has to drag me out because there are so many adorable outfits for little girls. I don't know what your style is but if you need any suggestions, I can give you a list of my favorite places to shop. Have fun and give baby Paddy a hug from me.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm waiting for WH to step up and be my partner and he's not... he's not doing anything to become worthy of me. He's not worthy of me.

Nell - I don't know if you saw my post the other day but I wish your H was sitting across from my MC right now. I read your profile and I just kept thinking that he needs to answer the question our MC asked my H:
"Is this too much trouble for you because if it is, let us know now and don't let us waste anymore of our time." I can't tell you what an impact this had on my H except to say that he started to feel less sorry for himself and started to really step up after hearing this. I think it's a question that every FWS needs to answer both to himself and to us. We need to know.
I see in your profile that you kicked him out on Memorial Day. How long was he out of the house and did you see changes in him when he returned?
I served my H with preliminary D papers and that hit him hard. NJGal kicked her H out for 6 months and that cleared his fog with great success. Sometimes with these FWS's who aren't stepping up they need a more drastic approach. Not that you're playing games with them but they need to see exactly what the consequences are and if this is the life they want for themselves.
Is there any approach you can take that might help to bring your H out of his "woe is me" complacency???

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:52 PM, October 21st (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long was he out of the house and did you see changes in him when he returned?

He was out of the house four days. (I told him not to come unless and until he was ready to give 100 percent to me and our marriage.) Yes, I noticed a change. That was the last day he contacted OW. He went directly from our house to her house and was pissed off because he told her he just wanted to talk and she tried to kiss him.
Is there any approach you can take that might help to bring your H out of his "woe is me" complacency???

Honestly, I'm sure I could come up with some mindgames to teach him a lesson or whatever. But WHY WOULD I BOTHER? That's where I am right now. Why bother?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way - I feel I'm getting more credit than I deserve with the OW thing.

I don't forgive OW. She didn't get into specifics or even try to say anything that would justify her actions. (Smart girl). She just apologized.
Bottom line is there is no justification for it. For me to forgive, I need to understand how the person could have done what he/she has done and not be a bad person (in the simplest of terms)or that person has now changed and worthy of a second chance.
SHe has done nothing to earn my forgiveness, but then again, she didn't betray me, my husband did.
So, I still think she's a lowlife piece of crap in pretty wrapping, but I got an apology and that's really all I needed to put my plans to destroy her away.
That's as close to forgiveness as I can get.
And - the same is true for my H. There's no way in Hell you are justifying a LTA to me. Just not going to happen. So, his only option is to earn forgiveness by showing he's a different person, which is pretty hard to do when you are not really willing to share more than your thoughts on the Yankees and what's for dinner.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 4:07 PM, October 21st (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf: I'm glad I could help in any way. Your wise and supportive posts have really helped me over this past year.

A couple of things I thought of as I read your posts. I really feel for you for the loss of your sister. The thing I wanted to share was when my 4 month old daughter died and she was laid out in the coffin, I was gazing at her and suddenly I felt a thought or a picture in my head of my dear departed grandmother holding my daughter in a rocking chair. It was a gift from God to feel that. It lightened me so much, although I still had a lot of mourning to do. I really feel your sister is there for you and always will be. {{{{FNF}}}

The other thing I thought of was when my oldest son was 15, he had a bone cyst in his upper arm (humerus). He was playing baseball and it broke as he threw the ball. There were no symptoms before hand at all.

At first, we all thought, oh no, we shouldn't have let him play so much baseball, pitching so hard etc. Then the doctor told me it was going to happen no matter what. Even if he was a quiet boy who stayed at home on the computer all day and he leaned on a table, it would have happened.

My whole point is that it was going to happen, no matter what you said to OW. If you feel it was the "straw that broke the camel's back", there would have been another "straw" KWIM? It was still thier decision to make no matter what.

You know, there are times when the line in the store is so long and I have only one item that I feel like just walking out with it and not paying because I didn't have the time or patience to wait on a long cashier's line. But, Did I do it? NO.

Nell: Ok, your turn for my analogies
The advice to wait for 6 months to a year is solid. Otherwise we are making a decision on our emotions. As you admit, some days you want to D and others you don't. We are in so much pain, we just want the pain to stop. I'll compare this to labor. When I was in labor with my second son 30 years ago, I lost control of my lamaze breathing. I started yelling, "Put me out!!! I can't take it anymore!!!!" My xWH (he had a lot of good points....) quietly said to me, ok, I'll get the nurse if you stop yelling and do your breathing. I can't leave you like this to go get them.

Now, I had incentive....I started breathing, got under control. Then after a while xWH asked, "do you still want to be put out?" I smiled gratefully at him and said NO!

I wrote a poem about this healing process we are trying to go through a long time ago....The Labor of Love.....

We are going through so much pain, it's incredible. It's the worst thing we have ever experienced. But, in the end, there can be a new life...OURS. As every woman knows, there are still "scars" after doing this. Our bodies have changed to a degree....so with our hearts through this process of the labor we are going through for our healing. We can "put ourselves out" with drugs or alcohol, or to take some prescribed pain killers, meds to help us. We can do it by ourselves, but it does help to have someone there with us.

Sorry, LTA guys, I am sure you can at least understand what I'm talking about

Love to everyone.

My thoughts and prayers for all and hang in there UK girl. The fact that you said that WH has been going to these reunions over the years and has seen this hs/gf makes it seem more understandable, especially since WH and her want thier spouses there. It is just probably so very, very triggery for you as it should be. Maybe you are right, WH doesn't understand boundaries and this is something he needs to discuss.

I don't want to go into it now, but after talking to WH last night on that stupid video phone, I realized that he really doesn't seem to understand that people can and will get hurt by his thoughtless behavior. Thoughtless is the key word here. I'm coming to realize that he may not do something not so much because it might hurt me or someone else, but more that we will get upset and that is what he is avoiding. I've often heard him say of others, for example like his sister, "Oh she doesn't mind cooking for more people", and when I point out that although she may not be complaining, I do know she works to hard and is tired. He doesn't get it.

I shouldn't really be spending my energy into analyzing him, but it helps me to the extent that it hurts less to really see that there is something wrong with him, and he has done things like this to everyone. WH doing something thoughtless to a friend or sister is different than when he does something like that to me with OW. He doesn't get it and never will.

To make a long story short, WH calls from that damn video phone last night from HER house. He has rented our house out and told me that he put all the furniture in the beach house. So what do I see in the background? My rocking chair that was in my room there. When I tell him this, he starts going on about we had others in the beach house, blah blah blah.

The funniest thing about all this, is that I am not extremely upset. Maybe the video phone was good because I could see the expressions on his face. He started trying to change the subject by complimenting my hair, dangling carrots in front of me about buying a bigger house, etc. It was as if I could suddenly see it for what it was. The smoke screen seem to have lifted for a while.

The other thing, WH calls again this afternoon earlier than usual telling me he is watching OC's and OW went to see her sister that has cancer. He's ready to chat!!! Tells me his sister and her husband are coming over later to hang out with him. It hit me like a ton of bricks that he calls OW when he bored. He'll call ANYONE to talk to. She is just always available..... as I was.

It hurts, yes, but this is helping me to not to take all this betrayal behavior PERSONALLY. It's not like he did this to ME on purpose to hurt me. Like my son's bone cyst, he would have cheated on anyone he was married to. The extent of things that he got away with was a "perfect storm of circumstances" where he didn't have any consequences for his behavior and he still doesn't.

My goodness, I didn't realize that this was becoming an essay!!

Love to all of you. You are all in my prayers.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gots only 5 min


allgood: no you deserve the credit for keeping it together and for making the phone call because that was what you needed to do for you, and from what you told us you handled yourself with pure class


fnf: no 2x4's with exception to yell at you for beating yourself up over this...you did not give her permission....she wanted what she wanted and she took it, period...

forgiveness: is for us, not them....and not a one of them needs even know that you have forgiven if it gets to that point....forgiveness is about letting it go and not holding grudges....still being held accountable but not a grudge or thoughts of revenge


nell: i have too much to say to you, i could relate on too many levels....and the biggest one is that you are being mom before you are being YOU....but that does not mean that you have to tolerate anything you do not want to....


love all the responses and coversation today...tried to post earlier...like ukgirl too much to say and not enough time...

o.k. times up...time to celebrate manchilds birthday...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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