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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would I grieve? Would any of you? I feel like that's what I've been doing this past year. Grieving my husband. In a way he's dead to me

M3 - I feel like you do - only I have grieved the loss of the H I thought I had for about 3 or more years since d-day. The H I have now, the H who always was but I refused to see, does not have my heart like the one who existed in my mind. It's such a shame but I have slowly, over these last few years, closed off a piece of my heart to him and although it saddens me it also makes me feel safe. So whether he cheats again or dies I feel like it won't be anything close to the grieving I've done after d-day.
So, UKG, have you decided what you're going to do for your H's b'day? I always struggle when it's my H's b'day. I feel like it's the right thing to do but there is still that part of me that resents having to "celebrate" him.
Miracle - come out, come out wherever you are! Seriously though, I do hope you're ok and just taking a break. How did your son's b'day party go? Maybe you're still recovering from that.
Dip - always good to see you but especially to read your posts. I never read one of them without smiling or laughing out loud. I hope your W appreciates your sense of humor.
Allgood - I like your "highlights" of the weekend, with the exception of doing the laundry of course. And I wonder too if you're on to something with Miracle finding a cabana boy. She's done an awful lot of talking about them lately.
ATS - good to see you and even better that you and your W are working through the issues.
Hoping everyone has a good week. Hugs to the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, UKG, have you decided what you're going to do for your H's b'day?
Umm, no. I am more concerned about dealing with the ex-gf who will be here on Thursday.
I used to make a bit of a thing about birthdays, but somehow they have faded into the background. DS1 was 26 today ( when did THAT happen??) and I spoke to him and DS24 over there in NZ. I don’t think they are coming home anytime soon. But it was lovely to talk to them. They’ll ring on Saturday for FWH’s b’day I haven’t even got him a card yet. It’s always so difficult. I avoid the “Darling Husband” crap ones. Not booked a table or planned for anything.

Any ideas anyone?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any ideas anyone?

How about scheduling his and her massages? We have done that and it's so relaxing and special and can be something for you both. Then if you feel like going out to dinner later at least you'll be nice and relaxed.
Gook luck on Thursday. I hope you'll pop on here on Friday to let us know that all went well.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun.

Thanks for the job offer. That cheered me up after a semi-shitty weekend.

Laura.

If I was going off to be a cabanna boy I think I would need to be D. I doubt my W would be happy about me taking that job. I have no rich friends so I can not help you all with that either.

How many different lotions does a cabana have to keep track of?

DP.

I hate to hear that news about your job. Hopefully things will turn around for you.

fnf.

Thank you. Actually my W does not have a big sense of humor, so I sometimes get on the bad side because I just like to laugh at stuff. Maybe someday I will ask her if all her boyfriends were of the gloomy Gus variety. I'm sure she would find no humor there.

Allgood.

Watching your kids do something is surely not lame. Both of my parents were at almost every game I ever was involved in. It is a good memory for me.

miracle.

You had better check in. There are starting to be some rumors here about what you are up to. I do hope everything is o.k. with you, Mother Hen.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if my H died I'd be sad for about a week.

I never understood when people would say once there is infidelity in a M, that M is never the same. Boy do I understand now. I know exactly what they mean.

I have lost all respect for my H and that is sad. He used to be my best friend, my hero, my savior, my partner, my protector. Now he is none of those. I even understand when my sister used to tell me that she hated the sound of her H breathing. I used to laugh. Now I don't laugh anymore.

Hugs to the tribe


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for yr support tribe. Indications are final warning could be issued as early as next week.
Off to the doctors tomorrow for happy pills (never too late I guess).
Its a high price to pay for loving someone.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its nice to be missed...

i am o.k....just seem to be out of words....am lurking to keep up with the happenins....but find i need to go within for a bit....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Miracle}}}}}

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you are ok Miracle

(((((Miracle)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am fine....rather peaceful actually.....so need to worry...


and thanks for the hugs...one could always use those..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am fine....rather peaceful actually.....so need to worry...
Miracle
I hope that's a typo and you really meant 'no need to worry'!

Hello tribe members! I may not post as prolifically as others in the tribe but I do empathize with, pray for, and worry along with each one of you. I hope we are all following the 1st rule of infidelity - take care of yourself!

About grieving...

I have grieved the loss of the H I thought I had for about 3 or more years since d-day. It's such a shame but I have slowly, over these last few years, closed off a piece of my heart to him and although it saddens me it also makes me feel safe. So whether he cheats again or dies I feel like it won't be anything close to the grieving I've done after d-day.

FnF has pretty much said it for me. My H's infidelity has changed everything about my life. I do love my H but it's different... no more naive, blind trust and a lot more cynicism(sp) now. Grief has been a daily companion for almost 4 yrs; I struggle with this emotion far more than I've shared here. The problem is that I have felt dead within myself along with the loss of the happy marriage I thought we had. Numerous occasions are now tainted by knowing about his betrayal and disrespect of the vows we made. These memories hurt. I am alive when I am with my grandson. I feel a need to make happy, new memories with him to replace the painful thoughts in my head. As the song says "you are my sunshine" and he is. My H has noticed this and remarked on it. A close friend mentioned the same thing the other day. The webcam lets me have a bit of this joy with our grandson on the west coast. But enjoyment of these events is marred by his A... always in the back of my mind. This is not how I envisioned I'd feel when we planned our life together. I likely need more IC but haven't called her (last session was more disturbing than helpful) or looked for a new one.
I found the Catholic/Christian thread quite interesting. My protestant upbringing didn't prepare me for infidelity. It didn't prepare me for a lot of things that happened in my life. Still... I do my best to live by the Golden Rule. Not sure how to apply this to the OW but I'm a work in progress and have not been in contact with her.

Wish we could get together IRL and share experiences and insights over a beverage of choice. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol.

It is quiet here today. I hope that is a good thing for everyone.

When my last D-day happened I really had no guide to point me in any direction. I had plenty of experience with death of people close to me and I knew that my feelings about the A were much like the grief you feel with death. I handled all this like I did when I had to handle death. I wish I had known to handle it all differently, but I did the best I could. As I have said before I was flying solo with only a few hours of lessons. I don't know if the inital shock of all this is that much different from death. I do think that it is probably harder in most cases to get over. In death there is usually not as much anger or hate since it does not involve lying and betrayal. You said you struggle with the emotion of grief far more than you share here. Let me tell you that I bet that is the case with a lot of us here. It is good to hear that you find so much joy in your grandson. At least you get a break from all the bad feelings and this is a way to follow that first rule of taking care of yourself.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, good afternoon Tribe.

iwam, remember that is half a Xanax, not half the bottle I am glad you have found some inner peace, but it is so unlike you

Its a high price to pay for loving someone.

deeppurple, when I think these thoughts I question if it is or was love, or some pathology of mine. I really do think that in our past, FWW and I's pathologies are what fell in "love" with each other. I am waiting to see if there is the possibility of real love between us.

I will be thinking of you vis-a-vis the job situation. I know this is easy to say from the sidelines, but this can be a freeing experience for you. Ms Joplin said that freedom is just another word for having nothing to lose, so if worse comes to worse, be brave and be free!

ukgirl, I am thinking about you, and hope you find what you are looking for Thursday night.

DS1 was 26 today ( when did THAT happen??)

I too notice that the signs that time is passing are becoming more numerous. The rate of aging is not accelerating, but the percentage of my remaining lifetime that each year represents increases with each passing year.

DS15 and I have enjoyed our two days off, and the stone crab season is off to a good start with our first trap pull of the season. We could not find them yesterday when the main gps crashed , but it is fine now and they were right where we left them.

FWW has been in a funk since talking about A related stuff Friday night. She brought it up, and she kept the conversation going when I said I was done talking about the stuff (it was triggering me). Now she is only talking superficially, few to no calls or texts during the day, working late Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights this week. None of love languages are being spoken, but with the disconnect I have learned I am doing OK. Yesterday she said she did not want our conversation Friday night to go buy with no follow-up or comment, but then moved on to other topics. She says she does not remember everything we spoke about, but I do.

I REALLY wish I had not started smoking again 2 months ago. I have (am in the process of?) stopped, but it is amazing how strong the desire for a smoke is.

With FWW not really talking or interacting with me, I find myself thinking of the OM and A times more and I have to drag my mind back to the present. I also find myself wondering if there can be a happy and healthy relationship with someone where I do not feel the need to remain detached and seperate from her to protect myself from being sucked into her sad and angry feelings.

At times I really feel like I am settling. Maybe I am, maybe this is reality for any relationship, or maybe things will get better with time. We are just a year and some days past dday, so compared to the 2 - 5 year mark it is early. Still, other than thoughts fading into the background I am not sure what else to do to heal and feel better. It bothers me that FWW and the OM know secrets I do not because she does not want to tell more, but I either accept that is what it is or move on. I want to hit something every time DS or FWW mentions my bil's name, but again, what am I going to do?

Is an acceptable relationship with someone you like the "mature love" they speak of, or is it settling?

Oh well, enough moping. Hugs to the Tribe. honesttoafault, how are you doing?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 5:32 PM, October 26th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With FWW not really talking or interacting with me, I find myself thinking of the OM and A times more and I have to drag my mind back to the present

Happens to me all the time...

I have brought this to my H's attention, to no avail. Specifically I told him that I don't feel that he is interested in talking to me when we are apart and, quite frankly, with all of our responsibilities at home, it's easy enought to spend an evening avoiding each other even if that's not the intent. Almost all of our contact is initiated by me. It's f-n annoying as Hell.
With each one of these occasions (when I feel like he is not giving this R 100%) I start to put barriers back up. He has been told this & still says all the right stuff, but does not back it up.
He is emotionally stunted. (This is a post-A discovery of mine. I never thought that of him before.)
He did not care about how I felt, how I was doing, etc. for years. Now, I am feeling worse due to his actions and all he has really done is be slightly more respectful, attentive and give up going out. (I'll grant you that last one is a big one for him.)
So, Ats - I don't think what you are describing is mature love. I feel the same as you - on one level I feel like I am settling, but I am not ready to give up yet.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At times I really feel like I am settling.

I know I've settled. I don't feel the same towards H and I don't think I ever will. I'm struggling. I probably need to talk to IC but I haven't gotten much out of it. So I quit!

I am not sure how to ask this so I'm just going to put it out there? Why are you still with your FWH or WW? How come I don't feel the love? Some of you say you love your spouses....why don't I feel it? I'm not "into him". KWIM? I'm here for financial reasons, taking the road of least regret? I don't want to be alone? I can't face the drama of D right now? I don't want to sell the house?

I can do so much better. And when ats said time is passing quickly, he's right. I'm not being true to myself. I'm not. I'm chicken shit.

Just saying....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun:

I do not feel excited to see my H. I do not look forward to calling him. I do not look forward to spending time with him. (Now that I type it out like that - I can see why he's not initiating much contact with me. Lol.)
But, I realize that I don't have the same happiness or interest in a lot of things anymore. I guess I'm depressed.

That is the way I explained it to my H. I told him I love him, but I'm not head over heels in love with him, but I am chalking that up to my depression.
I do love him in the kind of way you love and are attached to a family member. Ive been with him since I was 16 - so, it really would just be foreign to my to be single, or without him.
I am with him because I don't know that I would be better off without him at this point.
The jury is still out.
When my zest for life returns and I find my feelings for him are not remotely like what they were, I will likely leave.
Personally, I given myself 3 years to devote to this. I picked 3 years because it gives us a total of 4 years to work this out, which is plenty . Also, because until my daughter is 5, my freedom is relatively restricted anyway. i would be cutting my nose to spite my face to leave prior to that for a number of reasons.
And, then there is the guilt. I am not Catholic, but I do Catholic guilty very well. I will not be to blame for the dissolution of this marriage and for the effects it will have upon my children. I don't ever want to say I didn't do everything possible to save this marriage. (I like to self-blame A LOT. I really wouldn't be able to live with myself.)
Having said that - I really think the writing is on the wall. I think I will ultimately leave, but I'm not sure. I am sure that I'm not strong enought to raise these 4 kids by myself right now.
Every time he pisses me off by not doing x.y & z around here I think - it wouldn't even be an option (him doing it) if I asked him to leave.
Anyway - that's why I'm here (plus a bit of chicken shit too. )


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,

Up until after I moved out, I thought I felt the love. I am now pretty sure what I felt was some needy desire for stability or fear of change. I do not think it was healthy. My IC tries to have me reframe this in a positive light, but ....

Moving out also taught me I like being around DS15 daily. He will be independant soon, but I am enjoying this last year or so with him being a child.

Divorce will push us into forclosure. I can live with this, but use this as a reason to error on the side of caution.

I am letting FWW "save" the M, I did my part for the last year. If she is OK with the current state, I am not. If she wants better, she needs to make the changes because by my book the issues are her's. Our not spending time together, her withdrawing when upset, etc.

I used to think that if money were not an object I would still be here working on the M. I am less sure of this now, and I think that speaks volumes.

Honestly, I feel like we are going back to roommates. The difference is I get sex once or twice a month instead of once or twice a year. If she has demands at work, they get her attention. If she has a stressful/event-filled day, we talk to process it. When I talk about my day I get a kind of blank look, then back to ehr day.

For some reason today I felt anxiety that she was back in an A. I know this is very unlikely (see, I cannot even type "not possible"), but there it is. Yesterday and today the triggers seem to be everywhere.

I agree with you nofun about the need for some more IC to sort things out. I like the guy we were using, but I think he is working for the M, not for me.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been with FWH since I was 17. I don't know anything else. I could scream just going back and reading that. My life is passing me by and I'm unhappy.

I guess I'm not the only one in the boat that feels like I'm sinking.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mature love or settling? How ironic and sad. I really, really thought I had "mature" love with WH. I felt I really knew him ( I thought I did) and loved him as a whole person, faults and all.

I was in love with the person he presented to me. I really believed he presented the whole person, or I just ignored or didn't want to address the "red flags".

Now, after everything that has happened? Unless all the problems are worked through, yes, I would say it is "settling".

Allgood, as I've said to you before, you and your WH remind me so much of my xWH and I. The major difference is that my xWH was (and still is ) a "controlled" alcoholic. I knew him since I was 15. We grew up together. He was not only my H, but my family. This is what is so hard for you.
Allgood, also, I do believe you may be depressed and as you said, that should be addressed before you make any life changing decisions. {{{allgood}}}

Ats, nofun, I really know what you are saying about the finances. Ats, staying for a few years for your DS while you take care of yourself may not be a bad idea. If WW doesn't come up to the plate, at least you can detach.
Nofun, not feeling love for your WH? That is normal, I think after all the pain that these WS's give.

As for me? <sigh> There has been much discussion in the other forums about the truth is better than your imagination. I told everyone about the stupid I4 phone where you can see face to face. Well, after an argument with WH about how OW saw and used everything that was mine WH says did I want to see the apt? I yell YES! (like an ass). He proceeds to "show" me via the phone. On one hand, it was good, because I envisioned something better than we had, but then as he is showing, what is there in the living room? MY ROCKING CHAIR. I remember shopping with WH overseas and seeing it and as usual I didn't ask for anything. WH saw I liked it and asked if I wanted it. At first I said no ( I was always trying to watch our money) and then he said he was going to buy it for me. I was happy, he seemed to be happy that he got it for me.

Now, it's sitting in OW's living room. WH says it's because he was renting the house and didn't want to leave it there for the tenants.

I did not over react. It was the straw that broke my back.
Today he called (we were talking about finances) and he starts telling me how sick the OC's are and he took them to the doctor. I politely listened for a moment and then I did start to yell at him about it. I told him I'm realizing that he did not do it on purpose to hurt me, but it was that he was not thinking of me at all. I told him there are different forms of abuse....downright physical abuse and neglect.....Thoughtlessness, not caring.

I told him I did not want my heart broken any more. He took everything that was mine and gave it to her, including himself. I said that I haven't really realized that he really has left and is with his new family. I told him it would be better if he left me than to keep breaking my heart....

Oh boy.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: Double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 8:18 PM, October 26th (Tuesday)]


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