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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to the lta thread deeppurple...


i gather you know ats from the betrayed men thread....and you are another 1960 baby, there seems to be lots of us....happy belated birthday to you....


hb: its sucks when the post disappears, and did you ever notice it happens mostly on the long ones..

listen i know it may not feel like it right now, but your husband TOLD you what he was supposed to tell you, and he didnt fall for it, he didn't look to reconnect, he didn't look to do anything except what he needed to do for you and for him...so YAY mr hb.....and yes it sucks that she just didn't disappear into the woodwork...but lets look at if from a different perspective, there are many who wonder what will my ws do if the op contacts them, will (s)he succumb or will (s) value us and do the right thing....and mr hb did the right thing....revel in this and be happy for what it is...and that means you don't have to wonder anymore, now you KNOW...and knowing anything for any of us is always a bonus...


laura: he is still telling you all, and this is wonderful and you have the proof (tech) to back it up...so yay....and it really doens't matter where they live, proximity granted is always helpful when they want to continue, but when they don't it really doesn't matter does it...and i could attest that proximity didn't prevent pfm from goin and gettin..just keep reminding yourself that he is doing right , right now he is doing right....


m3: stop making this so hard...give him the list, stop letting your fear stop you....you have every right, keep saying that to yourself...and when it comes to getting rid of the op off of fb, this one has to be a requirement asap and not a choice...what would he do if you just deleted her from it....and then tell him that she doesn't belong on it, and tell her bh yesterday...

give him the list, bite the bullet and give him the list...(((m3)))

((((honest)))) we are here for you hon....and keep telling yourself that he will be gone soon, he will be gone soon...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. Happy Birthday!

Honest....
Stay strong..take care of yourself...but, look toward your future..you deserve to be happy!You deserve much better!

mm33...
I agree with miracle...you have a right to demand those things from him... the man betrayed you for years!and has not been showing you that he 'gets it'.
your demands are not unreasonable or controlling... I don't see it that way at all.

HB...
how awful for you...
how pathetic are these OW...to still be trolling for a married man so long after d-day...still trying to break up his marriage!Shame on her!
But...yayy! for your husband. he did the right thing. Told you right away. Ignored her email.
Remember ..the opposite of love is not hate..it is indifference. So, the way to really 'get' to this OW is to completely ignore her...negate her existence...
she is no longer a threat to your marriage.

miracle..as always great advice...

Tryin...
Good luck going forward in your reconciliation and healing...
I totally understand being ready to distance yourself from SI.You have given us all a lot of encouragement and great advice.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G'morning Tribe,

Thank you for the happy B-day wishes, it was. I had a great dinner out with FWW. She was beautiful and almost my height in her big hooker heels. It was so much fun to just love her last night, and leave all the resentment and hurt in the past (with my youth).

We have MC this morning. The poor man says he never knows what to expect with us and this morning will be no different.

While I pissed and moaned about FWW being a day late and a dollar short on owing her crap and demonstrating remorse and empathy, I am very happy I never had to deal with NC violations from her or any of the OM. She deleted all men from her FB, not just OM or potential OM. If a man is on her FB now, he is gay. At times she was very defensive and had (has?) huge issues with withdrawing, but through it all she has made it clear she wants it to work with me. It really helps with the self respect questions and feeling safe when I do not have to keep verifying contact information and I can see the emotional struggle she is going through to understand what she did, why she did it, and how to reconnect with me.

In three weeks we will have our antiversary. We will still be working on her personality traits, triggers for her and I, and communication skills, but we will be R-ed. After 20 years, my wife is the woman I married.

M3, quit talking to us and give him your list. Make the presentation as romantic, sensual, and full of hope as you possibly can. There will be plenty of opportunity to be angry later if he does not step up, make the list a happy and positive step.

Welcome to LTA deep purple. Tryn has escaped to happily ever after land, and old_dipstick is fighting off BPD alligators, so it is nice to have a new guy in the forum. Watch your drinking around iwam, and buy every book that njgal480 recommends.

((honesttoafault)) it hurts to read the struggle and pain in your posts. Do not stop posting, just know I think about you and your sich.

((UKgirl)), I wish there was a way for you to find happiness, not just contentment. I am glad you do have your DSs to brighten your life. In the family photo you posted after you holiday I was struck by how your H appeared as an outsider to the core family of you and your DSs. I guess he really is in some ways.

Thank you Tribe for all of you help and understanding. FWW and I could not have found ourselves again without your assistance. We owe our M to SI and the guidance from the wonderfully helpful people here just as much as we do the very competent advice we have received from our IC/MC.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 5:58 AM, September 17th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: i am so happy that you enjoyed your day...and even happier that your wife did right for you for the day, and nite, and.. ....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SO SO SO much everyone, a million times over!

I am not going to give WH the list. I'm going to *gasp!* TALK to him about the list. I'll give it to him in writing after that if he thinks he needs it.

But your encouragement has been overwhelmingly so important.

I read a lot about pride yesterday. It helped. One blog post I was reading (from a priest/catholic spiritual director) was about finding your root sin. Now, I know we're not supposed to get all religious here, but I think this qualifies as psychology too.

He said that everyone struggles with pride, vanity and sensuality. But for each of us, one is our more predominant struggle.

(This does not necessarily mean that all our WS's struggle with sensuality, for example, from ATS's description of Mrs. ATS I would say she struggles with vanity.)

Anyway, my struggle is always with pride. So I read a lot about pride. It helped.

So, for Allgood -- I think the fine line between pride and self respect is where you feel disgusted by your own actions. Not weak. It's when you've heard that little bell knowing you should divorce but you're still there. (This does not mean you, honest, part of knowing it's time to divorce is being emotionally past the spouse. Why leave your comfort zone while reeling from the shock if you don't have to.)


Anyhoo-
M3: for whatever reason - you want to give him another shot, so do it. Who cares? What do you have to lose? I thought the longer version of the list was great because I thought your explanations were on spot & concise as well. But, I understand the appeal of the shorter version as well.

Thanks Allgood. It really doesn't matter why -- I just feel like it. And I get to do it just because I feel like it because I'm his WIFE and that's one of my rights. To stay his wife if I want to.

So, I'll let y'all know how the talk goes.

I bet it's about control too. I've already considered that. I think if I explain my POV he might change his mind.

Thanks again everyone. I'm SO glad you had a great B-day ATS.

Alex -- how are you?

Welcome deeppurple.

I'm also STILL struggling with OW's bh (FB friend is single). I keep thinking about Kantian vs. utilitarian ethics on this one. (yes, big nerd here) Anyway, I'm actually going to have this discussion with WH too. "Doing what's right" vs. "Doing what's best for the greatest number of people" vs. Maximizing my potential to heal vs. Minimizing his potential to cheat . . .

I'm leaning towards the utilitarian stance, which would be "not tell" but I also do not know if I can EVER let it go if I don't. Obviously it's STILL bugging me. Somehow, I think discussing it with WH will put the issue at rest for me.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 you used way to many words for me on your last post, i am too tired to try and figure out what you meant... ...but i did notice that you somehow are again leaning towards not telling...i don't care how you phrase it, i don't care how many big words you use, i don't care about anyone else but YOU...and for YOU my dear, you need to tell and then put it behind you....i know how daunting a task like this is, i lived it, the path of least regret my friend, the path of least regret....now be that wife and tell the b-husband...

and i am glad you are talking to him tonite, i also think you should have the short list in hand with the explanations in your head using all your big words when he asks, or if you just feel the need to tell him....

plant some seeds, water regularly, and if that doesn't take, get some of the strongest fertilizer you can and let the seeds sit in some shit...

and finally, you have a pm...


fun you got a pm too...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here... it's hard to keep up with all the posts on my days off (I mostly read/post when I'm at work since we have a lot of down time).

It's been an incredible rollercoaster the last few days. I've been SO ANGRY recently. All the betrayal has really become clear and I've realized that it is reality... not some bad dream. I couldn't talk to WW for two days without saying something negative.

Yesterday, we had a really good day. I was off of work so that took some of the additional stress away. We spent some time with OC, had some cigars, spent some "personal" time together and watched some TV. We were sitting on the couch talking and I saw the bubbly, animated and smiling woman I fell in love with. I blurted out that I loved her. I felt it right then but I suppose I'm really not at that point with her generally. I felt kind of bad for telling her that because I don't want her to get her hopes up that we are all better. Still, it did make her happy for awhile.

Then, today... I don't know what happened. It just all came crashing down again. I read some of what WW wrote in her timeline and it just set me off. I'm very glad she's finally doing the work but it is SO hard to read. Perfect example:

WW wrote about her baby shower. It was a couple's shower so I was there and our friends and family were there. OM was also there with his SO and children. WW wrote that she was happy that OM was there and she was excited to see if he would fit in with her family. She said it was uncomfortable and she was trying not to show how obsessed she was with him.

So, my wife who was 8 months pregnant was at her baby shower with me having a celebration of our impending child. WW invited her lover to the shower who came with his SO and kids. WW was testing out how her lover fit into her family while celebrating a child that we thought was ours but in reality was hers and her lover's.

This is shit you wouldn't even read in a book. I don't think Jerry Springer would've even shown this shit... It just angers me that all along I was a dupe. I thought we had a perfect little family. I thought my wife loved me. I thought we were on a path to have a happy little family. I thought everything in the world was just perfect.

I told WW today that I hope she had A LOT of fun... I hope that she had a DEEP and UNDYING love for OM. She destroyed our chances of having that perfect life and she ruined my happiness to be with him... and now she say's she LOVES ME SOO MUCH and I'm her WORLD. It's kinda hard to believe.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok alex take a really really deep breath....

she is doing the work, she is FINALLY doing the work...

you said you loved her because simply, you do, when you love as comletely and as deeply as is evident that you did (do)...it doesn't go away over night, or in a couple of months...time...only time along with her repeated mistakes will kill it, and mark my words, if she keeps on with repeated mistakes you will probably reach that point, but until then the love is very much alive,...thats why is hurts so fucking much....(scuse the french)...

she is right to have that hope, it is motivation for her to continue the path she is finally on...and i pray for you and for that precious child that she does just that....but she may not and that is something i believe you need to be prepared for....and take it one step at a time...

i know this is really hard what i am about to ask you to consider...don't read her timeline til she finishes it....continuous torture is not only not necessary but more hurtful than it needs to be......then when she is done you sit and read as much or as little as you need.....til you get through it all...then do what you gotta do, tear it apart, dissect it and analyze it til you are satisfied, then, and only then put it away....


(((alex))) this road really sucks doesn't it....but the good news and god knows you could use some, the road will come to a different path eventually, new roads will present themselves and hopefully somewhere down that road will be some new ones....time...time ....time and lots of work....both of you working...you need to work on your own healing, be proactive in this....right now she cannot help you heal until she gets it together for longer then a day or 2 or more....which means you need to do what you need to do for you to heal.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats
Late happy birthday. 50! I'm glad there are so many young people on here. Yes I did read what miracle said about you. I am paying attention. Did you notice back on page one she said something about MY wisdom. She must have been drinking several mudslides to say that.

miracle.
I do not have any fantasys concerning cabanas. I do not think I have even seen one. BTW, Those disapearing posts are worse than prematurepostulation. At least posting prematurely there is some satisfaction.

m3.
I guess I may be a little late concerning all of this but here goes. I suggest keeping it simple. You said yourself you are dealing with someone who is clueless. If someone is clueless about something, they need simple, otherwise it will all just go over their head. I am simple and clueless so I know what I am talking about here. Say hi to Baby Paddy for me please.

alex.
I am sure that was a hard thing to read. It is so hard to believe that things like this happen when it happens to you. You were not a dupe. She was a good liar and you trusted her. Hang in there.

Allgood.
Back in LTA house #19 did you use the phrase "hopefully tolerant"? Besides being clueless, simple, a moron, and a old fart, I think I may be hopefully tolerant. It kinda sounds cool.

tryn.
Damn. I hope you check in sometime. I am glad you are doing better. I think I might just drink a beer to you............

Welcome deep purple. That was a good band.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At MC he decided it was time we go from weekly to every other week. I guess he thinks we are doing OK. Afterwards we had brunch and then a great day out on the boat. We went to a secluded beach to work on our tans and then spent some time just drifting offshore. Tonight she wanted to talk about things. It was productive and good to have the honest and frank discussion about triggers, bil, her family, up-coming trip to her parents, her feelings about OM. Still, as you can see from the post time, I am having trouble sleeping tonight.

old_dipstick, good to hear from you.

m334455, so how did it go? I am hoping well, if it had gone poorly you would have come here to vent.

Alexa071, sorry for what you are going through with the timeline. iwam has good advice about waiting to read it all at once. I know about detailed timelines, the information is going to suck. None of it will make things better at first. Rather than a death of 10,000 cuts, just wait to take it all in at once. Also, if you continue to read and have understandably angry reaction, you make it less likely that your WW will continue in her effort to be completely honest in her future writing. You asked for a detailed timeline, I did to. When I got mine it initially made my life much worse.

Something I was told when I got my details was to remember that nothing new had happened. Nothing in the past had changed just my knowledge and understanding of it. This did help me to get through the details.

...and now she say's she LOVES ME SOO MUCH and I'm her WORLD. It's kinda hard to believe.

I understand this. FWW felt entitled and justified in her A. These men were her lovers, and to know how she acted with them I only had to look back to the time when she and I were lovers. After dday, her perception began to change. Now when she looks back, actions that were fun, exciting, and made sense to her, fill her with shame and remorse. She sees me, us and the A very differently. I am her world now, and then I was not. There is no making sense of WS behavior in the A. I thought at one time if I could learn enough, I would understand. I never have. I empathize, but do not understand.

I saw the bubbly, animated and smiling woman I fell in love with. I blurted out that I loved her. I felt it right then but I suppose I'm really not at that point with her generally. I felt kind of bad for telling her that because I don't want her to get her hopes up that we are all better. Still, it did make her happy for awhile.

For many months, and I suppose now too, I simply told FWW how I felt in the moment. Sometimes I felt love, other times rage, hatred, humiliation. Do not beat yourself up for saying how you feel. The person we loved is still in there with all the new things we are learning about our WW. The question is not are there lovable parts, but is the whole person, the new reality, and their history still tolerable and loveable? Answering this question has taken me nearly a year. If we did not have a 20 year history and children together I do not know that the new reality would have been acceptable, but we do, and so I find that it is.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old Dipstick - correction still are a GREAT BAND!

When I'm down & tuning out - the music comes out; turned up full volume & I drift back to the 70's - my childhood & reflect on how easy life was as a child.
My form of meditation.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Really can't keep up with everyone's story. I think part of the problem is the Merlot I like at night when H is at work. It helps keep me sane and I do sleep a little better with it.

Unfortunately it makes me fuzzzy headed and it seems no matter how many times I read over posts I don't absorb what's happening.

Anyway, here goes

Welcome deeppurple. Great band.

Ats -
So happy for you that you and W had a nice time together. My H and I did too this morning and he has phoned me about 5 times tonight.

I hate nights when he's at work esp when he tells me OW3 is there. The Merlot is my friend

m3

m3: stop making this so hard...give him the list, stop letting your fear stop you....you have every right, keep saying that to yourself...and when it comes to getting rid of the op off of fb, this one has to be a requirement asap and not a choice...what would he do if you just deleted her from it....and then tell him that she doesn't belong on it, and tell her bh yesterday...

I agree with miracle on this one. I couldn't stand it if H wouldn't do these things. Biggest problem for me is his continual lying. I found out about all 3 OWs (using my tech toys). He says there were no others but my gut tells me differently. I'm convinced there were more!! I'm not a lucky person (Dday for all 3OWs 2 days after Mum's funeral, had heart attack 5 weeks later and ended up with OW2 as my private nurse in IC!!!), so how could I be lucky enough to find out about ALL his OWs????? I believe there are more and it's breaking me up!!!

Alex


Then, today... I don't know what happened. It just all came crashing down again.

Yep!! Like me your Dday is recent and I still go from amazing highs to deep lows. I think we just have to ride each one knowing that our feelings can change in an instant. I've started to focus on this a lot so when the tears come I tell myself that I'll feel better in a while and when I'm high I tell myself "Don't get too excited - you'll feel really bad when you come back down." The highs and lows are so tiring!!! I hope that this way i can even them out a bit and stop wearing myself out!!

A Positive Development

I have high hopes at present. H has 4 days off in a row in about 2 weeks time. I suggested we go away for a few days and he agreed. I have booked 3 nights for us at an amazing place in a rainforest. There are individual little stone cottages with fireplace, large spa in bathroom with glass walls and ceiling inside walled garden. They bring you a breakfast hamper each morning with freshly made bread etc. There are wineries, nice restaurants and antique shops within walking distance.

I am so excited. We can go for walks in the rainforest and also visit the wineries and a glow worm cave. When we got married (28yrs ago) we didn't even have a honeymoon (we had no money - only had 23 at the wedding!). It's costing a lot but I don't care!!! Maybe this will help. We'll be away from home. There shouldn't be too many triggers and I will try to put the "betrayal" away for a few days.

Have a nice day/eveing/night everyone

HUGS
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
Just managed to friend a friend of OW3 with a fake FB page. I now have access to OW3's wall. I know when her birthday is and when she divorced. I thought she was D when she and my H started but now know she was still married at the time. I suppose they were probably separated when she started with H as her D came through 8 months later (You have to be separated for 1 yr in Australia before you can get a D).
Do you think I should tell her XH? Doesn't seem much point now I suppose.

HUGS
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey dip...glad you checked in...


laura: don't sweat not being able to keep up, as dip used to say all the time, we are a chatty bunch...aside from that, being a newbie means that you are not able to forgive how i put it but connect the dots....going through the discovery of a lta, or worse mulitple lta's and maybe even more op's in itself is overwhelming and "brain consuming"...being able to think about anything else feels not only impossible, it is......add to that all the other stuff you have had to deal with especially having a heart attack....hell woman, think about all you have been through, its a wonder to me at least that you can function and willingly get out of bed.....such is the pain of this....

you sound so excited for this trip...i hope its all you hope for and more...and cut yourself some more slack here if at times its not....

on knowing about others if they exist: i can relate on this one completely, and its extremely fustrating when you know things with every fiber of your being and they are not only not acknowledged but denied....in my case i actually had proof which i refused to produce, because at that point i felt and still do that if he was unwilling to trust me with it all then i knew i could not trust him at all and would never....no matter how much he changed at that point, which he did, he was still a liar, and i could no longer be married to a liar....that was my dealbreaker of a boundary...i gave him 6 months to get it together, i refused to give him another day after that....i also had a marriage that prior to dday sucked, he was a horrible emotionally verbally abusive man...so at that point there was nothing left to save.....so anyways, i can relate....and it sucks...


ats: i do not understand your mc cutting you back so soon...honestly i don't like it...as much as she is doing really well at the moment, just weeks ago she was not....not exactly what i call stable progress....and i think you should question his choice on this one and if you do not agree then insist on weekly....just a thought...


deeppurple...i am glad for you that you have your music which from what you post in cathartic for you....its important to find things that help us connect with who we are underneath all the pain....

and music is great meditation...i agree completely....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwam,

I think it is probably a good idea to wait and read the timeline all at once. Reading it sent me into a tailspin and I do NOT want to discourage WW from being forthcoming and honest.

WW had IC yesterday with the sexual health specialist. He said she may have compulsive sexual behavior. Apparently he described it as a less severe version of SA. She isn't out trolling for sex but when the opportunity arises she doesn't have the appropriate boundaries in place so she jumps at the chance. He said she should find a support group (women only) for SA and attend. He also said she should not be talking/being friends with ANY men right now. He said she should be careful with friendships with women too. I don't know how I feel about the whole SA thing... It doesn't really seem to fit from what I've read about it. There are some charachteristics that fit but I just don't know. She hasn't been given a diagnosis or anything so I suppose they are just exploring SA as a possibility.

ATS... Sounds like a great time! I could seriously use some secluded beach time right now. I think I might just go alone though... Well, maybe take Jack with me for some company

M3: I'm anxious to hear how "the talk" went... Good hopefully...


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alex: i am not a big believer in all the sa diagnoses that seem to be made....i have also heard of love addiction....which is an undercurrent of the sa...i still have a hard time in believing in so much of it though...

i just really believe it is alot simpler then just blaming an addiction....i believe you can get "addicted" to the feeling you get from any habit....i guess i am believer in habit....when you do something long enough that is pretty much what it becomes...habit more so then addiction....addiction to me is something that you absolutely need to the point whereas nothing else exists for you but that addiction...habit is something that you need but not to the extent of all else....

the point though is that your wife has some serious issues that need to be addressed...and addressing them i believe she might actually be doing...although since her addressment (new word) of them seems to be so damned new i would not bank on it....and the only thing that you could do it give her time to do what she needs to do for herself before she can do what she needs to do for you....at least to the extent that you need....and i know i am about to get confusing and i hope you can follow my ramblins...

however she still needs to step up with certain needs that you have that are immediate and the needs that you have that are and will be long term are the one that need to wait....mostly because she is incapable now....

and only you can decide how long is enough for you to wait on all of your needs....and always keep in your head that you must ride on the path of least regret, even if that means doing some uncomfortable things now for the future...and always look ahead at least a year when trying to figure out that path for yourself...

and always remember no one walks in your shoes but you....

having said that, yesterday when i was power walking i thought about your wifes threads as of late, not including yesterday and i had a thought that i would like to share with you...

i had noticed so many posters getting so angry with her becaue she was still doing everything her way, to the point that it was like she was in a fire and she couldn't see it only those around her, and then i came up with the following analogy that could be for anyone not following advice, same advice by so many...

imagine if you will you are in this building of many rooms, and you are 1 of 100 people in a room, 99 people tell you that a fire is about to hit that room and you must move to another room, and these 99 people are not just regular people but rescue workers such as firemen and rescue squads...so anyways the other 99 people tell you that you need to leave the room but your experience tells you that you cannot leave the room til the smoke gets there, so you stay, they all leave and you are alone...lo and behold the smoke gets there and the fire is iminent (cant spell)...anyways you finally decide that you need to go to the next room and you do, the other 99 people tell you see we told you...now a little while the same thing occurs and again you don't believe them because you feel you have time and you will move only when you have to...and again the smoke arrives and again you finally move to the next room..well this keeps happening the entire scenario room by room by room...until finally you are in the last room and again you stand your ground only this time the other 99 people are telling you that the building will collapse around you and on you so dont wait til that happens...but still you decide to wait til you see that smoke after all its has worked each and everytime...not realizing that your systems have ingested so much smoke you cannot detect as fast and your weakened now because of it all...well all those people leave the building and you are alone waiting....and the inevitable occurs and the building collapses onto you crushing you and rendering you done.....

so many people giving her the advice that she needs to fly straight and tell all and so many people telling her the inevitable....just wanted to share an analogy that might help you in the future to share with her....anything to help her "see" what so many others do, others that have been there and have seen it all....and then i started thinking and realized that this really can be for us all...when so many people who have walked those shoes are telling you to run...there must be a reason......

and granted sometimes they are wrong...but more often not....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here in so long. I see a few familiar faces and many new ones. i am so sorry for that. so sorry that you are here.

Today is our 12th wedding anniversary. We are still together, but I am so unhappy. We stompped doing marriage counseling just kind of mutually with both of us and the two counselors. we weren't getting anywhere. Basically I need to make a decision. I suppose I make that decision every day by not leaving.

I came here today after all this time b/c no one else understands. No one else gets it, but you all.
Very few people in real life know about the affair...i only told one mutual friend and that couple has not been a source of much support...they just sort of ignore the elephant in the room. If I could go back?....i woudl tell teh world. let it be out there. Take away the power. Make him more humble about it. But I can't go back, I can only go forward.

The truth is we are married. A platonic, nonsexual, friendly co-parenting marriage. We have not had sex in 15 months. At that time I said he woudl have to be the one to initiate and he has not. I don't know if he is getting sex elsewhere. It seems unlikely time-wise but who knows. There's always a way.

He never expresses interest in sex or says he misses it. He has ED issues, but he did when he was having sex with her for 4 1/2 years as well. He says he doesn't talk about his needs b/c my needs are what is important now. whatever.

I feel at an impass. I love him, but I want better for myself. I don't want to turn my kids worlds upside down though. Finaincially it woudl be a nightmare. I made a vow and I don't want to break it.

I am just plain sad adn lonely and it sucks. We went to lunch with his mom for our anniversary, she called and offered to take us out and we had no other plans. He's working tonight. we got each other cards and he got me flowers and candy. No mushiness, no sentimental sweetness, nothing like that. I think I will just feign sleep when he gets hom. it seems easier.

i can't wait until teh kids go to bed shortly so i can just cry in peace. How sad is that?


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
alexa071
♂ Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((so lost)))

I wish I had more to say. Wishing you some peace tonight. The waiting with no movement is the worst. I want to see things getting better OR worse. It's brutal to be stuck feeling like you aren't going anywhere in the M. If it's not going to work I always worry that I'm just wasting my time when I could be building a life with a healthy, loving, faithful partner. I want it to work, though, as I would guess you do... Otherwise we wouldn't stick around so long.

Again, (((so lost)))


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((so lost))))

no one does understand, most people think we should just move on at some point, that and they don't want to hear about it anymore....god bless si.....

i remember you, but i dont remember a whole lot....i am only recently starting to retain some stuff...my mind was still a blank for the longest time, lost in my own world of pain....there are still those days, way too many, but i am managing to see some light at the end a very long long tunnel where i am still at the beginning and that is mostly because i have opted to stay for my kids....they are all teens and i don't feel i could ask him to leave at this point without having lasting impact on them when they are vulnerable to making stupid choices that can affect them for the rest of their lives...

how old are your children?....i am at this for a shorter time period then you but i am also not in reconcillitation as you are trying to be....

.o.k big big question: have you tried asking him why he doesn't intiate sex, that you need, desire and want sex? and that you need for him to be the one initiate?...i remember some of your story with the ed, how it was always there....well not to offer any excuses for him, but i would think that if this was and is an ongoing issue, is it possible that his ego is in the way, is it possible that he has anxiety...men cannot fake it, it won't work if the head is not in the game so to speak....or if the head is too preoccupied with god know what....and maybe you should also try another therapist and also a sex therapist...if you really want it to work you may have to initiate a new game plan and hopefully he will jump on board...if not, well then that would be another matter alltogether...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi So Lost

Just read your story on your profile. So sorry you are stuck at this point.

We have not had sex in 15 months. At that time I said he woudl have to be the one to initiate and he has not. I don't know if he is getting sex elsewhere. It seems unlikely time-wise but who knows. There's always a way.

This must be bad. I don't know what would be best but suggest you listen to miracle's advice - its always full of wisdom.

My Experience

H and I did not have sex for about a month after Dday. Finally one night I told him that it was unfair that I'd had a lousey sex life for years while he'd been having fun with his whores. I thought his lack of interest and quickies were to do with him being tired and getting older. SILLY ME!!! I told him I wanted him to make love to me. I said that he had to continue to tell me the whole time that he loved me and that I wanted to FEEL that was true. Anyway he did and it was great. This was the start of intense HB.

Except for a rough patch last week this has continued. He is very remorseful and in NC -outside work hours at least.

My H also works at a hospital and has just left for work. It's 2.30pm here in Australia.

He had 3 affairs over 16yrs (married 28) that I know of with nurse whores he works with. I NEVER ONCE SUSPECTED!!!! Found out about all 3 late May/early June this year. He claims there were no others but I have doubts. Sometimes I don't think I care -other times I desperately want to know. We also have children - they were 8 and 4 when he started because he "was lonely"

The shift work makes it so hard. I know OW3 and OW2 are both working tonight and he will be on their floors. He swears he only talks to them when he has to about work but it is so hard. As well he does lots of evening shifts which means I am home alone in evenings (kids now left home) and it takes all my willpower (and a couple of glasses of Merlot) to stop wondering if they are meeting in a broomcloset!!!!!

He says they never did it at work but who knows?????

It also means he is home alone when I am at work week days. I stay sane with the help of my "tech toys" which tell me he is NC at these times. I couldn't continue if not for these. Guess we'd be D if I'd found out 16yrs ago (or earlier if applicable!!)I couldn't have coped with going to work each day and wondering!

I think I will just feign sleep when he gets hom. It seems easier.

I usually do this and "stir" if he cuddles me. Sometimes we end up going further but not always. I love it when we do as it reassures me that he hasn't been in the broom closet

Have you tried "stirring" when he does and "accidentally" cuddling "in your sleep". Might give him the idea!!

How old are you? How old are the kids?

HUGS
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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