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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats:

I have my map, my compass, and I am following the path

I've always enjoyed your tag lines. This one, however, has inspired me to change my tag line to:

I lost my map, I have no sense of direction & I'm spinning in circles.

What do you think?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And. WHAT am I going to wear to meet xHSgf

Just MHO, but UKG I would go classy. I would go with a clean, sleek, and sophisticated look. I definitely wouldn't go with the sexy hot mama look. I think she might see right through that and wonder why you needed to present yourself that way.
I would first assume that there is absolutely nothing at all going on between them, nor has there ever been (other than a years ago HS fling), and therefore there is no need to prove anything to her. As for the nails, I'd go with something neutral. Just saying.
Please try to relax about tonight. I have found that the more nervous I am about a potential disaster of an evening the more fun I end up having when I actually see that my fears were for naught. I hope this is true for you tonight. (((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, stone crab claws, wine, boat and sunset??? lol, I think we ALL will come!!!

No problem honesttoafault. I can take about 6, after that the space to store adequate beer, wine, and tequila starts to run short.

allgoodnamesgone,

I lost my map, I have no sense of direction & I'm spinning in circles.

I have no good sense of direction either. I am so happy my truck has a compass in it for when I need to turn south From my boy scout training, if you are lost and do not know where to go you are to stay where you are, prepare what food and shelter you can, and wait to be rescued. I do not think any of us can rely on our FWS's to rescue us though So the important thing is to not just wander aimlessly or you will walk in circles. If there is a river or stream, follow it downstream. If not, pick a point in the direction you think is most likely to go to a town or road and walk to the point (a large tree, mountain, etc. When you get to your point, pick another and so on. This will keep you from walking in circles.

So, with no map or compass, you can still identify a point on the horizon of your life where you think you might want to be. Start walking that direction. When you get there, pick a new point. I have started my hike, I do not think FWW will be traveling with my unless I pack her stuff and keep reminding her to keep up.

This is a great morning. I have a really fun staff who work with me.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FHF - let us know how it goes. I like classy but I'd put on some RED nail polish!!!

ats - We are disconnecting too. I can feel it and it doesn't feel good. We haven't spoken since the weekend. Just small talk. There isn't anything to talk to him about.

There are lots of things that happened between him and OW that I will never know about because he refuses to talk about it anymore. He can't talk about US because he doesn't know how.

He is now ignoring me. His version of the 180. He thinks this will get my attention. Oh, it gets my attention...it also gets my ass....and makes me angrier than I already am.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - Just sending hugs and I wanted to say that I'm glad to see that you are taking some time for yourself. You give so much to all of us and to see you pulling back and using this time to reflect on your own situation and where you are in your healing makes me happy for you. We miss you and your wise advice but this is "Miracle" time and we'll be here waiting when you feel ready to jump back in. (((Miracle)))
My H and I have our 28th wedding anniversary on Sat 30th Oct. . . Today he told me he has taken the weekend off (he was on day shift both Sat and Sun) and it is up to me what we do. He said he hopes that at least I will let him take me out for dinner. I said OK. Don't know how I am going to handle the day. Have a feeling it might be bad. I am hoping that he has taken the time off because he realises how hard it will be for me and wants to "be there" for me. We'll see.

Laura - I think it's a great sign that your H took the initiative and cleared his schedule for the weekend with absolutely no pressure on you to agree on a plan. He is leaving it up to you as to what you want/need to do and has made himself available. This shows tremendous consideration and devotion to you and I think it absolutely shows that he wants to be there for you and understands and cares that this is going to be a difficult day for you. If you don't want to go out to dinner perhaps you can have him order something to be delivered, spend some quiet time together, and let him comfort you if you feel the need to grieve. I can't tell you how many hours my H and I spent in bed, no sex, with him just holding me and allowing me to cry until I had no tears left. Maybe it won't be that kind of day for you but if it is and your H can give you unlimited comfort, then he will have given you the best anniversary gift possible at this time.
((((((Laura))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,

I have no fashion advice for you (trust me) for your meeting with the xgf tonight, but have been thinking of you.

To help pass the evening and get past any awkward lulls in the conversation you could have a list of questions or discussion topics prepared. for instance:

Has FWS always had a problem coming to orgasm before his partner is satisfied?

Did he do that annoying kissing/touching/biting thing to you too?

Which of the xgf's had the odor problem? That wasn't you was it?

Ask why it didn't work out between them, did he cheat on her? (This is a nice segue for a discussion on how much infidelity there is in the news and asking her opinions on that).


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can take about 6, after that the space to store adequate beer, wine, and tequila starts to run short.

ATS - don't forget the mudslides - you know Miracle is a big fan!
Also, I'm glad to see you are feeling better today.
And I absolutely love this:
I have started my hike, I do not think FWW will be traveling with my unless I pack her stuff and keep reminding her to keep up.

There is an acceptance without bitterness in this line that I think is very positive. It shows that you are acknowledging your W's weakness at this time but not taking it personally, at least that's what I'm reading into it anyway. As to the sex issue, I know this can be frustrating but I have to wonder if your W's lack of interest has more to do with her past history than with you or your M. There must be so much work for her to do trying to separate the sex abuse of her past with her betrayal and A's. I don't know what advice her therapist would have but I can really see where sex for your W has many negative associations and therefore avoiding sex for her is ultimately avoiding confronting those painful memories.
I'm going to say it to you again ATS, Keep the Faith!!
If you really want this M to work, you might have to be a little more patient in this area.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just needed to

@

Which of the xgf's had the odor problem? That wasn't you was it?

just sayin.....or i should just say i am just


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grief has been a daily companion for almost 4 yrs; I struggle with this emotion far more than I've shared here.

(((LostSoul))) I wanted to send you some extra hugs and to tell you that I completely understand where you are. I don't know what keeps you from sharing your feelings with us but I do hope you will let us help you when you are feeling down and need an extra hug or words of support and encouragement. I know there are times when I won't come and share because I don't want to discourage the "newbies" but even us "oldtimers" need a hug and some love once in a while so if you feel this way please PM me and know that I am here and will try my best to help you.
We seem to be in the same place - I am 4 1/2 years out, I often feel that I will never regain those feelings of love for my H that I once enjoyed, and now the greatest joy in my life are those times with my grandchildren. I am glad we have that to focus on. It reminds me that life is good and maybe one day, if we just believe, we will be able to experience something more meaningful in our M.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him I did not want my heart broken any more. He took everything that was mine and gave it to her, including himself. I said that I haven't really realized that he really has left and is with his new family. I told him it would be better if he left me than to keep breaking my heart....

Honest - I read this and all of your posts and wish I had some magic answer for you. I know you worry about your financial dependence on your H but I am so worried about the emotional toll this arrangement is taking on you.
I hope you were able to get an IC appointment because you sound especially down in your last few posts. How can we help you?? What do you need from us???
Please never feel that you are leaning too much on us. If you need to post 20 times a day and only talk about what it is you are going through, then know that we are happy to be here for you. You are the sweetest, most gentle person (even though I haven't yet met you IRL I can sense this in every post you write) and deserve so much more than your H is capable of giving you. I understand that you must do this in your own time but I do hope on some level you are beginning the detachment process that you must do in order to protect your very fragile heart.
((((((((Honest)))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to hug you all. Sigh.

My bike rides get out a lot of my frustrations -- and show me so clearly how far I have to go. I guess as long as I'm working on it, that's what is important.

I suggest we each choose one do-able thing that will make us feel better and do it! Get your teeth whitened. Go to the museum. Bake a cake. help a friend in need. Big or small -- in the next two weeks please do something concrete for yourselves.

I've been getting my house cleaned out and straightened up this week. I have a large house, and the clutter of 4 kids, 4 adults and two back to back pregnancies so it's no easy task. A whole week's worth of work and the place is better as a whole, but I swear I still don't have one single room completely in order, LOL. I did take two van loads of stuff to Goodwill though. And I'm not talking mini-van.

I also bought a whole (small) wardrobe that fits and looks good. I have two more items I'd like to get.

See? Feels good. Nothing to do with infidelity...

Which is not to say that I don't still think of it every day. I do. But not 20 or 40 times like I used to. It's no longer my first thought in the morning. I keep throwing away stuff that triggers me. I still found stuff yesterday that OW gave me. Jeesh. She really was everywhere.

Man, I really hope I never run into her again. I honestly just don't know what I'd do. I fear I would be violent, though I certainly hope not.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

UKgirl

I have to accept the lesser love I feel now, and if in the moment I think its enough Ill say ILY. Actually, Im more inclined to say I miss him or look forward to him coming home. It softens the blow of NOT saying ILY.

You're right. I will think on this and try to work out the best approach. Pleased I mentioned it because it has been bothering me.

Honest

Laura: I liked your post and it has made me do some thinking more about the path of least regret and where am I better off RIGHT NOW.

Please honest. For your own sake keep this at the front of your thinking. I believe we all need to be where is best for us NOW. Doesn't mean it won't change but I think we need to take the pressure off ourselves. Each time I ask myself the question, "What is best for me NOW?" and decide to stay I feel better. I am not going to worry about next week or next month or next year. Just NOW. So I feel better. Not necessarily happy but more peaceful and more able to accept the situation because I know I can ask myself again tomorrow.

ats

You gave me the nicest laugh to start my day. I LOVED your conversation pieces. Maybe we should start a list "Questions We'd like to Ask OW/Ms". Maybe not here. Perhaps in General so we can share the fun with others.

miracle

second...my little precipice is a good one my friends, good for me, not so good for him

Please do what you need to for YOU miracle

Fun

He is now ignoring me. His version of the 180. He thinks this will get my attention. Oh, it gets my attention...it also gets my ass....and makes me angrier than I already am.

How dare he upset you more!!!!!! If I could I would give him a cyber slap!!!
(((Fun))) (((Fun)))(((Fun)))(((Fun)))(((Fun)))(((Fun)))

fnf

Laura - I think it's a great sign that your H took the initiative and cleared his schedule for the weekend .....made himself available. .....shows tremendous consideration and devotion to you ....wants to be there for you and understands and cares that this is going to be a difficult day for you.

Thanks for this. I know he is trying in his clumsy way (in spite of his fucking ducks obsession) and am trying to see him in a positive light. Thanks. It is getting closer and I am getting nervous. So THANK YOU.

m334455

I've been getting my house cleaned out and straightened up this week.

Good for you. I wish I had the motivation. So happy this has made you feel a little better. We need these achievements to keep our self esteem up. Congratulations. Doing something like this is a big achievement for us BSs.

I also bought a whole (small) wardrobe that fits and looks good.

Bet you look HOT. Feel good honey and enjoy!!

Dammit. Have to get ready for work.

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - I dont think I ever had a map & still dont. I look at my relationship with WW now & excluding the A it is much better than where it was a year or 2 ago. We talk so much when in the past we avoided each other. I see that for the past few years we had been 180 each other at a very deep level - both leading very separate lives.
The past few weeks Ive seen a new change in WW. Since the A started she lost that drive to be involved in everyday life. Now I see the woman of old, involved, organised, enjoying the activities that she hasnt done for the past 9 months, making time with the kids etc.I can even touch her without her pulling away from me.
Last night I cut flowers from the garden which she enjoyed. Whe were talking about the kids whenI arrived home, I noticed that her eyes looked sad, it looked as if she had been crying at some stage - for some reason I felt extremely close to her at that moment in time. I felt that i could have kissed her (we havent done that for years). It was a surreal moment for me. I sense a change but what Im not sure as she is still a closed book. Maybe just maybe that fog is lifting ever so slightly & she sees what she really has at home is very good. Despite the affair, its continuance & the heartache it has brought Ive fallen deeper in love with her or maybe Ive just fallen in love with her again.
I want to share my feeling with her once more but she just isnt ready for that & Im not sure if she will ever be able to bring herself to tell her full story.I see so much pain in those eyes & with it a small change in her.

Just needed to share. Have felt much stronger the few days - solid performance at work, much more involved - hope its recognised.

Laura - a good sign - enjoy the w/e

[This message edited by deeppurple at 4:08 PM, October 28th (Thursday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP - it's good to hear that you are feeling more positive. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you and your work sich (which makes it very difficult to cook...oh, er, that's my excuse for going out to eat AGAIN!).

Ats - glad you checked in with us again. Can't help thinking about you and how you're holding up although it sounds to me like you are getting more peace by the day. And tell me when and I'm so on that boat....love stone crab!!

Honest - I won't swing the 2x4 but you know better than to think that your H's shenanigans are about you...they are about HIM and his selfish agenda!! HE is the loser and you deserve so much better.

Allgood - between you and Ats I got my laughs this morning. Thank goodness for this group.

fnf -

I often feel that I will never regain those feelings of love for my H that I once enjoyed

I think there are quite a few of us in this same boat. I thought that the mellowing of intense feelings of passion for my H was a normal consequence of a long M (28 years). However, both my MD and IC have now told me that they think that I have not felt "loved" by my WH for quite some time and while I was okay with that consciously, unconsciously I was detaching from him. When I found out about his A, my knee jerk reaction was that we had to work to stay together, but now I'm starting to wonder if that's really the right thing for me.

nofun - the anger always seemed to be there, doesn't it? If he's doing 180, and then you 180 him back, does that make you spin in circles like allgoodnames??

m33 -

I suggest we each choose one do-able thing that will make us feel better and do it!
I love this idea and plan to do something for myself at least once/week. Big or small, it will be something just for me! BTW - I cleaned out my clothes two weeks ago. Thanks to that fabulous diet I've been on (you've heard of it, the Infidelity Diet?) I no longer fit into any of my clothes! Serves my WH right that I've had to go buy new stuff!

Miracle - keeping good thoughts for you. While I miss seeing your posts, I also know that I have to take a break once in a while as well. Sometimes it helps to have some quiet to listen to what you heart is saying, especially when your head is so full of ...stuff!

(((Tribe)))

This is quite a group. It's heartening to see how everyone cares for everyone else and worries about those we haven't heard from in a few days. It makes me feel cared for...thank you.

I'm heading out in the morning to go hiking for the weekend with some girlfriends. I'm a little nervous as none of them know about the A and they have been concerned about my weight...sigh....I'm hoping they will respect my need to not bare my soul and just keep conversation light.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish:

However, both my MD and IC have now told me that they think that I have not felt "loved" by my WH for quite some time and while I was okay with that consciously, unconsciously I was detaching from him. When I found out about his A, my knee jerk reaction was that we had to work to stay together, but now I'm starting to wonder if that's really the right thing for me.

Yikes - that's me EXACTLY!!!

Before I had found out the A, my H & I had a HUGE argument & I told him to move out. I did change my mind after cooling down a few minutes later & we had a calmer conversation. In that conversation he told me he had been miserable for years (who knew?). I was really blind-sided by that. I couldn't stop thinking bout it all day. I called him to talk about it & in that conversation he told me he didn't know what the big deal was (or something like that) as I don't seem to have any feelings for him at all. From that moment on, I was aware of my desire to save my marriage, but there were plenty of occasions after that & before DDay that I told him to either get in the marriage 100% or get out.
Anyway, my point is that you would think once I learned of his A it would be the last straw - but for some reason it wasn't. Now, 14 months later, I often question what it is I'm trying to save.
Even if we get past all this A-crap, will we really enjoy each other's company again? I'm not sure. H wants to have drinks tonight. We'll have to see how that goes...

UKGirl: sending out some SI mojo for you. But I am confident you will not need it. I hope this little social experiment of yours gives you some peace and not more agitation.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy, I had a meltdown tonight. I had my jukebox playing, making supper and having a much needed manhattan and H comes in and puts the TV on OVER my music. He just puts the TV on and totally ignores the fact that I'm trying to listen to my music. So now the Tv and the music is playing. He's been ignoring me all this week. And then he has the nerve to ask why I'm a grouch.

Well, I flip out and start yelling at him and telling him how dare he disrespect me. I'm listening to music and you put the TV on? And that I'm sick of his bullshit.

Why can't he fight back? He sinks into himself. He doesn't answer. He shuts me out like I don't exist.

I HATE HIM! I'm working on my two year plan. I have 8 months left. And then his ass is grass!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nofun)))) Hang in there!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I found out about his A, my knee jerk reaction was that we had to work to stay together, but now I'm starting to wonder if that's really the right thing for me.
Yikes - that's me EXACTLY!!!

Yep, add me to this list. A M gone wrong so long as mine it seems foolish to think it can be "saved".


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun:

Make yourself another Manhattan.

I realize you're irritated with him in general - but this incident, of course isn't THAT bad - it's just the accumulation of all the other crap.

So, I hope you will find the humor in my comments, as the goal is to maybe cheer you up:

First, I love that you find his decision to put the tv on while you have music on disrespectful. Lol. Yes, it's disrespectful - but on the scale of disrespect in this forum - I don't know that it even registers.

And,

his ass is grass

This made me laugh. My good friend used to say this ALL THE TIME when we were 12... Lol.

Fun - my H does stupid things all the time. This week for example, he has practically lived on the couch watching tv every night when he gets home from work. I almost killed him when I finally finished doing everything that had to be done, y'know checking 3 kids homework, making sure everyone has something to wear to school the next day, putting the very cranky baby to sleep, etc. at 9pm and found he was already asleep - that he actually got off the couch, walked past the food from dinner that was still sitting on the counter & a sink full of dishes, I was just amazed.
Whenever I start to overload like this I remind myself that I could just leave him. That usually puts it in perspective for me.
((Fun))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP, enjoy the good days where you find them buddy.

BTW, my first 8-track tape ever was Deep Purple, loved that band.

I sat under you bedroom window throwing up a brick. Noone came I threw one more, that really did the trick.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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