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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened, Honest?
((Honest))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I just had to edit the post, because I had a knee jerk reaction to something......

I'm ok, thank you so very much Allgood!!

M3, can we come to your Halloween party??? I know when I was a kid, I pretended to be whatever I was dressed as that day. You know who I wish I could be for one day?

Samantha from "Bewitched".....lol, just for one day!!! With all her powers!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
savedbygrace
♀ Member
Member # 27876
Sad  Posted: 10:12 PM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In as much as I'd like to post details of the A in my profile, I'm not yet ready for it. I feel too disgusted.

Oh, I am a stupid FWW (on my terms, BS doesn't agree with the F yet since he doesn't believe I'm not doing it anymore.. I understand).

I am in the process of reading most of these posts. I'm learning from this. Insights from the BS's are mostly 2x4s for me.

My A happened with my boss (at that time (my ex-boss now) 9yrs ago. It was an ON-OFF thing. I sometimes get knocks on the head and stop it but since I see OM everyday... it comes back, after a year, or so. In between the 9 years, I got married to my then boyfriend of 7yrs and in between the 9 years the A was ON-OFF. Yeah I know.. IT'S SICK!!!!! REALLY SICK!!! As I look back, I can see that only a person with a demented mind can do this. In those 9yrs, it was mostly EA but still with a couple of PAs.

Well, now 8mos after DDAY... BS says he's not getting better. He says it's getting worse. He remembers everything.. putting together my stories about the A and the good things during our M. It makes him so depressed and sick. I can't imagine how he can still stay. OF COURSE I WANT A SECOND CHANCE!!! Can we still have a second chance? I ruined his life... I ruined a potentially great family.

No ICs, no MCs and no one else knows.... it's driving both of us crazy.

Is there anyone out there who survived? It's so difficult to heal... We both agree that I need to heal first so I can bring him to healing... OMG... I am so at lost... To top it off, we have kids who's a preschooler and a toddler. They already eat my time and energy during the day.... I sleep 3-4hrs every day.

I don't know where to go... I SO DESPERATELY WANT TO SAVE THIS FAMILY! and I know BS does too. We just don't know if we're heading the right path and if we can survive it.


FWW (me) - 33
BH (my best friend) - 32
DD 6yo
DS 2yo
D-Day (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) - 02/14/10
Reconciling (I think)

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: SE Asia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace: There are a lot of great people here on LTA. I would also suggest that you post on the "Wayward" forum, too.

You have something very positive going for you....you BOTH want to try, and you sound sincerely remorseful.

You BOTH need IC and MC. This is extremely important for the healing of yourselves individually, and for the marriage.

For me, personally, if my WH came to me with all sincerity and told me he accepts responsibility for the A and wants to work with me TOGETHER to build a new marriage, it would help a great deal.

There are others here on LTA who can give better advice than me..... I will keep you and your BS in my prayers tonight.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace,

Is there anyone out there who survived?

A LTA? Not that I know of, but I have been here less than a year. Some of the others may know. It seems to be much harder to Reconcile after the LTA because of all of the time and interwoven lives.

We both agree that I need to heal first so I can bring him to healing...

I will disagree here, he will have to heal himself. You cannot do that for him.

Here is what you can do. You need to be open, honest, and answer his questions, no TT. You must maintain NC. You must seek the reasons why the A made sense and persisted for you for 9 years. It was clearly meeting some need within you that you felt could not, or you were unwilling to have met in a healthier manner. Was it the external validation? Was it power? Did it provide security? When you discover this need the A met, you will need to find new, healthy ways to meet or soothe this need.

IC is important for understanding why you had the A. IC for your BS can help him to work through his emotions. Later, MC can help the two of you reconnect and reconcile if that is what you both want.

Have you read books? Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines aare a couple of good starts if you have not.

As a BS, I hit the peak of my anger at about 7 months, so it may be too early to expect your BS to be feeling acceptance or knowing what he wants. My FWW and I have had nearly weekly counseling, read a crate full of books, and at just past 1 year since dday it can still be hard and we do not know if R is ultimately possible or not.

I applaud you for coming here to LTA, I often wondered why we only had BS and not WS. I suspecct it is a bit like walking into the Lion's den if you read our posts.

No TT, do not be defensive, acknowledge your WS's feelings, and you cannot apologize too much. Good luck to you and best wishes for your BS.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:19 PM, October 29th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, October 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't ironic that the spouse with the lower sex drive is the cheater? My case too. It's so aggrivating.

m334455, I think it is just more proof that the A's are not about the sex, but about the need to try and fill some emotional blackhole within the WS. Never the less, having just written this it still cuts me to the core to think of FWW sharing her body with those Trolls the OM.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace: you are a brave, brave woman to post after reading here as we tend to vent here frequently. Lol.

Anyway, welcome.
It will be nice to have a FWS perspective.

Now, there was a thread elsewhere on SI that dealt with the pain of a ONS with the pain of a LTA. I didn't get involved in it, but you may find it interesting. I am of the opinion that the LTA is very difficult to resolve because of the time. More time to lie, more betrayals. It shows a willingness of a WS to live a double life, apparently unbothered/unaffected by it over a long period of time. In short, it raises a lot of questions about the WS & it's scary from a BS perspective.

I agree with Ats in that 8 months out - don't expect any miracles. I too was far more optimistic right after DDay than I was at 8 months - something to do with the shock & HB, but also heavily influenced in my case by the TT, breach in NC, etc.

I also agree with Ats in that your BS needs to heal, but I think you need to go above & beyone to show your devotion to him & support him through this. You either need to go to IC or start reading a lot of self-help books & start doing a lot of introspection. I think sharing this with your spouse, without expecting a lot of praise mind you, will help him eventually see that you are fully committed to him and the M.

Something that plagues my R efforts is that I look at my H as someone I don't know. I am not being overly dramatic. There is very little anyone could say about my H or his activities that would truly shock me anymore. I really feel like I do not know him. He has no credibility with me. I take everything he says with a grain of salt. And, that is because with an LTA, we have so many examples to reflect upon & say "Hey- he said that & I thought he was sincere, I thought he loved me, I believed him when he said he was working, etc. and that was a lie - he was with her."

Unfortunately - people in your situation have proven yourself to be adept liars, with no boundaries. So, everything is suspect.

I hope the above is not too harsh. I'm happy to have you on this thread, I just thought you should know what you are up against - since you asked...

Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but since I see OM everyday... it comes back, after a year, or so.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time today but had to ask, why is it that you see OM everyday? I'm assuming that you still work with the OM. Is this true? For me, this would be an absolute deal breaker. I know in some cases it is unavoidable but I know personally I would never be able to trust my H to continue working with the OW who he had an 8 year LTA with.
So my question is, if you are still working with this man, is there some reason why you are not out looking for another job?? Do you think this is the reason your H believes the A is still going on? I would strongly urge you to start looking for other employment if possible to show your H you are truly committed to R'ing with him. This will go a long way.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but since I see OM everyday

Oops! I missed that...

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me too. In fact, my H's A was with a coworker and within seconds after I discovered his affair that was in my top 3 demands to consider R. We were on vacation when I learned about his A and by the time we got back, OW had already transferred locations. At the time I couldn't understand why, since my H had already told her he was going to transfer, but WHATEVER. (I have my own theories for why she left, but that's really besides the point at the moment.)

Anyway - ya - that looks like a big slap in the face to your H to me.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I hope your anni went okay. Let us know what happened. I refuse to acknowledge our anni, firstly because it wasn’t enough for them to have once been engaged, he had to fucking propose to that bitch while we were married – several times! Secondly, he tried saying that two dates were sacrosanct, one was my b’day and the other our anniversary and he had NC (big deal!) with MOW on those dates. Guess what – he lied!! But for some, it is important to recognise the marriage and they want to celebrate. I can quite understand and a little bit of me is slightly envious. So Laura, I hope it was whatever you wanted it to be.

happiness does not just happen, at least not for any of us or our ws's either....we must all actively make it happen....
As Tryn’ would say, it’s a choice. We can choose to be happy. It’s very difficult, but you can do it. I try to take little things and find a “smile” moment. And sometimes, if you make yourself smile, or read/listen to/watch something to make you laugh, it can give you that happy feeling.

and do not be afraid of failure,
our piano teacher has a saying stuck on his upright: “You only fail when you stop trying”. He also has “people who have never made a mistake have never made anything” not sure about that one though!

Ats, I’m not sure about the statistics on sex. It’s the one subject that you can be sure people do not tell the truth about! But what is important is the quantity and quality for you as a couple. As with everything else, there has to be compromise. It’s like going to the gym, very easy to put off but you’re glad when you’ve made the effort. And it emphasises that the affair was not about sex. It was about fantasy and escape and being someone else.

m33, my there’s some deep thinking going on there! The thing about not snooping, I agree with it if there is nothing to find. If there is, however…… I stopped snooping when I had found everything I thought there was to be found. I knew that if he chose to link up with MOW or have another affair, he would be much better than before. And I only found stuff because I knew what I was looking for and could make the connection! He was very, very good.

As for the “why”. WH did it because he wanted to and he could. He wanted to know if he had made the right choice with me and set out to see if he should have been with her. I have disregarded his excuse of being “in a dark place”, he wasn’t in that dark place until the trigger of meeting an xHSGF at a reunion. It didn’t go anywhere with her, so he actively sought out MOW. Basically, he’s a selfish, arrogant, fuckwit bastard.

savedbygrace, I see FNF has picked up on what I wanted to comment on. If you are still working with OM, you need to change your job. Continued contact only serves to feed you BS’s doubts and fears. You need to be an open book, be positive and be strong. There are survivors. I can think of quite a few who were here in my first dark days and they have moved on and out. 8mths is not long. If you are TT’ing, that will extend the healing time by a long, long way. Your marriage, if it survives, will never be the same. But you can survive.

Allgood, my H doesn’t even look the same. Kind of smaller, weathered, ragged round the edges. Before he seemed strong, now he doesn’t.

(((((honest))))) just sending you some hugs, hon. Don’t worry about the triggers, we all have them. They will ease over time.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you don’t mind, but should I read anything into this?

I realised this morning something odd about The Dinner Date on Thurs night. FWH didn’t touch me, hold my hand or anything. In fact he kept a distance. Walked and chatted with the H ahead and again on the way home. He didn’t touch me at the dinner table either. We make physical contact a lot. Always have. Didn’t take my coat (or XHSgf’s) or help me on with it at the end. I’m not sure what to make of it. A subconscious signal to her? To say what? That he was available, that he was an independent spirit? We took a booth rather than a table with four chairs to give us plenty of room – he and XHSgf’s H sat at the back on the bench, XHSgf and I on chairs. I don’t recall any conversation where we were speaking as a “unit”. And, as I said, there were a few long "looks". The no touching and the long looks is telling me something. The parting softly spoken comment of “see you in a few weeks”, mwah, mwah. He didn’t even put his arm around me as stood in the doorway waving them goodbye.

I haven’t said anything, but it has made me wonder.

This is a situation that I would not have thought about twice before d-day. I would have thought how nice, an old school friend over for dinner. The reunion dinners were a chance for a catch up and a laugh. I wouldn’t have been overly interested in what his old gf’s looked like and most of all – I wouldn’t have compared myself to them – because I was quite happy and confident in myself and my marriage.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, just my opinion and experience, but I think what you describe as described is significant. Not that he is planning to do anything with xgf, but what it reflects about his thoughts and beliefs.

Given our history with our WS's, I would expect him to actively demonstrate his connection with you. This is what I expect and get from FWW when we are in public around acquaintances or co-workers of hers. During her A period, she presented as a single woman. I was never involved in work or her social events, as opposed to prior to the A period. Soon after dday we were at a party with her service club. When she introduced me one of the members commented that he did not realize she was married! Now when she introduces herself to a group she mentions being married and me. When we are together there is physical contact, marking of territory, showing ownership, whatever.

Reunions to my mind are about memories and re-living the past. As I mentioned before this is not my thing, but for those it is what memories or past with her do you think he would chose to relive? For those who enjoy getting together with old HS or College friends I mean no insult nor disrespect, but I have always seen this as trying to recapture the “fun” of that youthful period. A time when perhaps we remember feeling better about ourselves before the reality of so much life.

For me, FWW has “unfriended” all of the male high school, college, and past work friends on her Facebook (except for one who I know to be gay). She would never ask to attend a reunion without me present. She was not going to have A’s with any of these people I am sure, but given our history I appreciate that she is simplifying the people I feel I need to keep track of, and she is very concerned about any appearance of impropriety. She is frequently asked in her work to meet and talk with potential donors. She will not meet alone with male donors or volunteers now. Again, this gives me piece of mind, and reinforces boundaries for her.

I think you are right to be concerned, and you are certainly entitled to your feelings, to share your feelings with your H, and to expect him to be sensitive to your feelings right or wrong.

((UKgirl))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
savedbygrace
♀ Member
Member # 27876
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't have much time now... let me answer this first.

but since I see OM everyday... it comes back, after a year, or so.

I'm sorry, what I meant was i saw OM everyday during the 9yrs. I resigned from work almost 3yrs ago because of this and OM knows it. BS knew of the A a few months ago only. Don't worry guys, NC has been strictly observed since BS and I decided on it (a week after DDay).

[This message edited by savedbygrace at 1:50 PM, October 30th (Saturday)]


FWW (me) - 33
BH (my best friend) - 32
DD 6yo
DS 2yo
D-Day (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) - 02/14/10
Reconciling (I think)

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: SE Asia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, about the dinner.... I know one of our first reactions is that we talk ourselves into the idea that we are being overly sensitive and are over reacting.

BUT, now, we have all learned three very important words: TRUST YOUR GUT.

You know something is not quite right. Listen to your gut. What is wrong? Is there something going on between the two of them, OR did this HS gf know about the A?
Could it be something as stupid as your WH felt embarrassed in front of her to show you affection because he thought it might hurt her (because he was so wonderful all those years ago??)
Try to feel the feeling and see if you just feel something is "off" or if there are "red flags".

{{{UKgirl}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl- thanks for PM.

M33 - been there once with pregnancy but she probably wont tell me this time so its difficult to talk about if she is - will just have to be observant & take it from there.

As to why I didnt kiss her - i cant answer that i guess in reality fear of further rejection (lol).

I have no idea who OM is so cant answer the why - she made her mind up to move on when she felt i wasnt there for her so im not sure what the connection is as i know he doesnt lover her.
I know she feels that she has missed a lot of life being a stay at home mum (that was her choice) but the life she is leading now is no life nor an example for our kids.
She has changed in the last month as ive said back in the real world but totally detached towards me. Like ats I just try to make home a much more attractive proposition than the OM.I accept at present im the back up plan but its the little things that i know about her that tell me there is something there but its just very suppressed.
I have no real game plan - trusting my gut & adjusting by what i observe.
Im not even sure what the dealbreaker is.
I feel pretty good & trust that my resolve will stay strong till she clears the fog.

Laura - I hope it went well.

Grace - I always appreciate the viewpoint from the other side. I know you have your own pain to deal with as well.

thanks tribe your support is appreciated.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Deep Purple))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
Anniversary went OK.
Had a HUGE drama in the morning as he found one of my tech toys. When he told me I had a meltdown. Said basicly well you can do as you want now and I'll never know.
He then said that he was sorry he'd found it and wished he hadn't as he now realised it was for my peace of mind. He then said he would do anything to get my trust back even sign a post nup giving me everything if I wanted him to. Then went on about loves me, didn't realise how much until thought he was going to lose me, just wants us to work, wants me to be happy, doesn't know how to fix everything etc etc etc.
I actually do think I believe him. I know he has deceived me for 16yrs (+????) but he now says he was stupid and wishes he never did it. Didn't think he'd get caught (maybe because he had such a trusting wife????)Never really considered the consequences. Trouble is I believe him now, really think he means it but told him I can't help but wonder what will happen in future. When things are not good between us (as is bound to happen at some stage) will he run off with the first whore who will spread her legs for him??? He says he won't but I'm not so sure.
So back to square one. Sometimes I think I trust him now but do not know about in future. Time will tell I guess.
Told him once more - if you don't love me go now. I don't want you to stay and hurt me again. Told him I feel like I've wasted 16yrs on him and do not want to waste any more time. I gave my life for him and the kids - always putting them before me. I'm not going to place my life in his hands again if he's going to go off with some nurse whore who wants to play docs with him!!!!
Anyway, I settled down and we went out for the day. He bought me a very nice ring and lovely card.(My card took ages to find and was a not very funny funny! I triggered the whole fucking time I was looking!!!I bought him two shirts)
We then went out for dinner and then had a little HB

Grace
Welcome. It is hard for me to say this as a BW. My husband had 3 OWs over 16yrs. We've been married 28. My DDay was 5 months ago and I feel enormous disgust for and anger towards OWs. People on here say I should be angry at him - which I am - not at OWs. But I AM angry at them and enjoy fantasising about hurting them. I don't care what others say - I enjoy it too much.

If I had my wish list it would be complete truth, total honesty, EFFORT to remember, I love you and I'm sorry at least 3 or 4 times a day. I feel I have wasted my life on my H so I would love him to make a real effort to make me feel that the rest of my life hasn't been wasted. I don't know how he could do this. Trouble with As is you can't take them back. I suppose I really wnat new memories. The only ones I have at present are from the 16yrs (+++??? this is the hard part) of betrayal and the pain of the last 5 months. So no really happy memories.

UKgirl

I am so worried about your gut!! I think his beaviour is suspicious but may also have a perfectly rational explanation. If it was me I'd come right out and ask. If possible ambush him and watch closely for his reaction. I'd simply say "It really bothered me that you weren't more attentive and affectionate towards me in front of everyone the other night. Why weren't you?" If he hesitates at all keep talking so he doesn't have time and can't concentrate enough to frame a lie. Watch carefully. If he's being honest he should answer straight away with no hesitation - even if its to say "I don't know".

AGNG

Something that plagues my R efforts is that I look at my H as someone I don't know.

This scares the hell out of me. My H lived a double life for 16(++)yrs. WHO IS HE??? IS HE STILL CONNING ME FOR SOME TWISTED REASON????????

Unfortunately - people in your situation have proven yourself to be adept liars, with no boundaries. So, everything is suspect.

Grace

You have deceived your H for many years. You cannot blame him if he doesn't trust you - Hell I don't trust you - I keep wondering if you have some ulterior motive for joing our thread!!! So if you are sincere try proving to US that you are sorry. If you can convince US - very suspicious BSs then maybe you can convince him. I wish you luck for HIS sake!
You have said that what you did was too disgusting to write about. Well first things first - have the guts to be completely open with US and your BS. Poor devil deserves total honesty. You have started TT with us -- CONFESS.

If you don't like my tone. I'm not sorry. Others on here will also think I'm too harsh but the reality is you OWE him total truth and if you can't give it to strangers how can you give it to him!!! You say you joined our thread to get help. If you are genuine you will need to be prepared to accept some 2X4s from me because frankly I'm not too sympathetic towards WSs esp those involved in LTAs. If you are gutsy and genuine you will take what I dish out and listen to our advice

Laura28


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I was worrying about you. I'm glad things turned out well.

savedbygrace - I have to agree with Laura. Put the whole ugly truth out there. It's the only way. I know in my sitch I did not get the whole truth and I probably never will. My H had a 12 yr LTA. I don't know if my M is going to make it. And if it doesn't, it's because of lack of truth. As long as H keeps minimizing, I will never get better. Don't do this to your BH. I've lost respect for my H and probably will never get that back. These are some of the things that maybe you are going to have to live with for your poor choices.


((((deeppurple))))

Hope everyone is doing well this weekend.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28… Reconciliation is very hard. So now you have made a decision to reconcile and keep the marriage. It really is up to you, not your H to decide if this is what you want. OK, so he found your toy. It was your way to have peace. It was a trust crutch anyway. You can now make a decision to trust. When I say that, I mean you make the decision not to track him in any way. Just don’t do track him anymore. You won’t be able to control him if he decides to have another affair anyway. It is so much easier to cheat when you have a spouse giving those loose boundaries that just naturally come in marriage over time. After the exposure, we all change and know something now. We know someone we trust with a promise to God and us is capable of causing us deep trauma and pain. It really does affect the way we look a life forever. People that we care the most about can hurt us the most. Now, our radar is up and affairs are much more difficult to have. I think you might be ready to make a choice to trust. You don’t need those devices or “toys”. All you have to do is look at your relationship actions. Look at the way he treats you… For me, if my wife stops hugging me every time we greet, stops making love to me, stops giving me affirmation…. Basically, stops doing desirables. I strongly believe it is impossible for a person to really love two people in intimate ways like a mature marriage is supposed to be. I don’t believe a person is capable of deeply showing and loving two at the same time. If you can somehow think back during your old relationship and look at what your H did.. I bet he was not so attentive. He had to go work extra time, he had to do this and that… have drinks with the guys you’re not invited… I cannot list these things for you. It must be different today? So maybe you are ready for “square one” to be a decision to trust and trust God will let you know betrayal next time.

Let me tell you this, you can have a very good relationship today with your H. I am proven fact of that. I am loved today like have never been loved. My wife is very attentive to me today. She is kind, we talk and communicate very well… we have a lot of very good quality time… I made the decision to forgive so I refuse bring up any aspect of her affair and make her feel guilty in any way that has gone a long way toward her treating me this way.
And this is what you need to know and accept since you decided to reconcile…. for some reason and everything I do… not matter what I do… I still hurt at times. I have found that feelings are what they are… the brain is what it is… I try hard to stop it by my own actions, but my pain still surfaces. I still hurt at times when my mind wonder to infidelity. Songs, other people, Courteney Cox's recent separation for example, things still remind me of adultery and it serve up my reminder. When I am by myself, I still cry at least once a week and have for months now even though my wife is now just doing everything she needs and is capable of doing. I sometimes plan escapes in my head, but fight it and I still choose, select, and decide to stay married to my wife. Who knows? maybe one day, I will take a risk to see if single again, finding some lust feelings again, will eliminate my hurt… but I don’t because I somehow doubt it is the solution. I have a woman loving me like none other can today…. It is the confusion I think that comes with all reconciliation… and hope only time is the way you overcome it. With that is hope that one day, I do find complete peace again. I am 25 months past dday now and my journey in life continues…

Please everyone know, even though I try hard to never come to this site as a decision to heal, I think about you all every day when I touch my keyboard. Yes, I’ve peeked but I have always been able to resist.

This past week was special to me. I was away from my wife for 9 days on business. I had a chance to see my mom. As my mom and I walked trails by beautiful James River in Virginia, she told me about my parent’s marriage. My current stepfather is very ill. She told me she started her affair with my stepfather because of the attention he gave her. She had lost an emotional bond and feelings for my Dad and somehow though she was on this earth to take care of my stepfather. My stepfather has so many issues. When my dad discovered my mom’s affair, in revenge, my dad told my mom he had a LT affair with a woman in Georgia. It confirmed what my grandmother had once said. My mom went on to tell me my dad told her every detail about the sex, the meetings they had…. I asked my mom if it hurt. She said No. She had moved on mentally to my stepfather. My dad once told me that the hurt he felt when he discovered the affair and divorce was something he never wanted to go through again. So I continue today forging ahead in life just as confused.. LOL…

Peace to all my friends here…

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:29 AM, October 31st (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would expect him to actively demonstrate his connection with you.
That’s what I would have expected too. I was so focused on assessing the woman, her H, listening to their stories and mentally comparing our lives to theirs as well as watching the interaction between H and xHSgf that I wasn’t keeping watch on the connection between H and me and what he should have been doing/saying. I think his lack of sensitivity is because he probably thinks I should be over all this now and be able to fully trust him again. I don’t think he realises that has gone forever. I’m not saying that I want him on a tight rein, phoning or texting me every five minutes, or for him to be all over me in company because if he wants to have another affair, he will. He would text or talk to MOW while I was in the same room if he caught unprepared! But he should have been a little more thoughtful about the obviously triggery situation he was putting me in. So, still thinking about saying something. He won’t get it, that’s the real problem, I guess. And I don’t think I want him to know I was bothered – for him to have that feel-good ego-massage that his little wife was a little jealous, maybe, kwim? And I want him to be able to observe boundaries without me having to point them out. He knew what the boundaries were and he chose to go leaping over them.
Could it be something as stupid as your WH felt embarrassed in front of her to show you affection because he thought it might hurt her (because he was so wonderful all those years ago??)
You could have a point there, honest.

Never really considered the consequences.
The longer the affair/infidelity/deceit/call-it-what-you-will goes long the more it fits into the WS’s “normal” routine. It becomes part of their lives and part of who they are. Just like a criminal, they don’t realise what deep shit they are in until it hits the fan. They wanted to think about the consequences. Mr UKg said he just shut it out of his mind on the rare occasion it forced its way in. the consequences were too dire to even be considered. And – that good old stand by – they were never going to be found out.

But the question is, what more can he do for you? The whole sorry mess has been revealed and he has expressed deep regret. Do you think there is more that he is not telling you?

I suppose I really wnat new memories. The only ones I have at present are from the 16yrs (+++??? this is the hard part) of betrayal and the pain of the last 5 months. So no really happy memories.
I have found that I do have happy memories. Yes, they are tainted, but I tell myself that I was happy then. He may not have been, he may have been fucking MOW or some other slut, but that is HIS loss. Those memories are happy for me. I’m talking about holidays, Christmases, the kids, days out, birthdays, etc. Those memories were my truth and they still hold today – I have taken them back. It has taken a determination and effort to find a way, but it has happened. It will for you too. The memories are YOURS.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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