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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3:
He seemed frustrated that I wouldn't tell him how I was feeling but he let it go

My H asked me what was wrong the other day too over the phone, to which I replied "nothing".

The way I see it - a larger message was sent & received than what was spoken. You know he cares enough to be concerned to ask what is probably a scary question - opening up the flood gates for God knows what and he knows you are still upset with the sitch in general, without all the details having to be dragged up.

Just gave my H a self help project for the week. Lol. We will have to see where that goes.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, that's one way to think about it.

I just had lunch with my dear friend from college and now work who is a former BW (D'ed 5 years ago) and I told her about the catch 22 of the convo.

I did some venting, I don't know what to say. She's an angel. I'm glad to have good friends IRL.

I think she summed it up -- with her M, her WH just didn't have any remorse. He felt entitled. So, that really left her nowhere.

Maybe that's the root of my problem -- I don't feel like my WH has any remorse either; and if he doesn't, what would prevent him from making the same choice again? Nothing, really.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - Going outside of M to meet needs - she would use that as justification for her A.
D doesnt phase her - would reinforce her entitlement in having an affair.

She feels nothing - the once beautiful soul I knew is no longer there.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun

Not sure what I'd advise. About 5 weeks after Dday I had to drop something into Hs work. It was getting close to his meal break and he said "Would you like to come and have dinner with me?" I was very surprised. It had never occurred to me and he's been working at the hospital for 24 yrs. I'd never even seen the staff lunch room where all the nurses and other staff eat.
My first reaction was to say no. Then I thought why not? If I see any OWs they'll know we are together still - sort of shove it in their faces. So I got dressed (casual but classy) did a lot with face and hair etc and felt really good. Went and of course didn't see any of them.
Over the next few months he invited me often. I actually saw OW2 and OW3 several times and lots of their friends. I was nervous but met their eyes and went out of my way to be "nice" to their friends.
For me this was a power trip. I was marking my territory. I also made H buy and wear a new wedding ring (he "lost" the other one many years ago). Again marking territory.
So, if it was me I would probably go. Not for him but for me. I would tell him I expected him to stay by my side and be attentive - physically and in conversation.
If you go he needs to show those there that you are a couple.
If he's not prepared to do that I wouldn't go.
But it comes down to what YOU want!!!!
BTW - when is it?

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish one was able to go back a page and check as you're posting! I can't remember everything unless I take notes.

Nofun: It's hard to decide what to do. I know you feel very strongly about not associating with these people anymore. Is there a possibility you can have a compromise? Just showing up for a little while to show your support for thise woman, while showing the "good ol' boys" you and WH as a united front? You can leave early with some excuse...even if you only stay for a half hour?
I'm suggesting this compromise so your WH doesn't get all sulky and start a whole ball of wax that you don't let him see his friends, blah blah blah.

Ats, I'm sorry about what your wife is saying. I agree with you, sex should be a mutual thing, something shared together. I know I often said when the kids were young that it was hard for me to "switch gears" from being MOM to a sexual being..... It was like being invited to a party that you don't feel like going to, but once you are there you have a good time. Perhaps this is something you could discuss further with WW or something that can be addressed at your next MC meeting?


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs to everyone

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.

I think they ask about your feelings with the hope that they will get some good news.

ats.

That was funny. I'm sure it would go over like a pregnant pole vaulter. This is a "do as I say, not as I do" world for her.

Allgood.

I am glad I cracked you up. This makes my day a little brighter.

honest.

I do at times take notes. One time I forgot to destroy the notes. Lucky for me I discovered the notes before my W saw them. They were sitting right there in plain sight. She had only been home for a few minutes so it was a close call. I'm sure that would have been a very interesting conversation. I am such a moron. I do not know how I would ever maintain any kind of a A let alone a LTA. Eye can't even spell that gud either.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol Dip, that made me laugh!! I forget too! I could never maintain that secrecy!! Geez! Maybe these WS's should have been spies or something that keep all those secrets?

Sometimes I wonder if the first year we just try to survive the initial trauma, especially if we are dealing with TT, and multiple ddays. Going into the second year ( God , I don't know if you should turn the counter back to square one with a dday or not!), I think I'm seeing in myself and some of us a depression of sorts kicking in.

I've been spending some time rereading the past threads and cutting and pasting a lot of what I wrote and the wise, kind and supportive responses I received. It's very enlightening. I realize now that when I wrote a lot of those posts when I was in so much pain, and read responses, the wisdom didn't really sink in because I was in too much of a turmoil. It's good to read them now.

Went to IC, told her about the Rocking Chair episode and her response was "how much do I have to be hit over the head?"

Yes, indeed.

I get hit, get up recover a bit, and go on until I get hit again.

This is not a life. The sad thing is that WH is not doing some of these things on purpose with the intent to hurt me, he just doesn't think at all. WOW, that does hurt.

I must keep the focus on me and the kids. That's the hardest thing, because I'm not used to doing that. It felt selfish to focus on me and my needs. I have to find that balance....
The focus I need is not so much of being "selfish", but just being able to self validate, fill my own emotional needs and not look to others to do it for me.

{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enough about me, let's talk about you: What do you think of me?

JK. Sort of. I wanted to ask: Do you guys think I have a personality disorder? Just wondering.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
Yes, and his name is Mr. m334455. Bah-dum-bum.

Honestly? If you're concerned I would ask an IC. What personality disorder do you think/fear you have?

FWIW, it doesn't sound like it to me, but then I'm married to a personality disorder and never realized it, so what the hell do I know?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone who would ask people on an anonymous forum if they think she has a personality disorder must be nuts!

You seem OK to me, but then FWW is my benchmark.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33, no more than any of the rest of us. So what does THAT say, hmm?

I shall be having some sort of conversaton/confrontation/discussion with FWH about the Dinner Date and the Reunion Dinner next month (see xHSgf thread in gen) and I expect it to go pretty much:

Me, him, him, him, smoke, xHSgf's, smoke, me, him, him, him. And finally, him. With a tiny me tacked on the end so I don't feel left out.

The affairs were about them, and somehow it's still all about them!
Sheesh.

Personality disorders? I think you have to go some way to have a more deranged disorder than the LTA WS one.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: With all seriousness, I think dealing with all the stuff we are dealing with, we start questioning ourselves and our sanity. For me, because of a lot of FOO issues and my mother, I'm realizing more and more how much codependent behaviors I have been exhibiting.

I don't think you have a personality disorder, other than behaviors that are a normal reaction to living with craziness and trauma.

UKgirl: good luck with your discussion with WH. To me, it doesn't seem to make sense that spouses are not invited to these reunions. How often do they have them? Once a year? How many people go? I think your WH should suggest to these people that it is high time that spouses go to these things.

Miracle, check in and let us know you are ok!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I think you are a bright, articulate, FUNNY, wonderful person!
I think we are all a bit stressed out & that impacts our behavior a bit,but it's understandable and hopefully not a chronic condition.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I think you are a bright, articulate, FUNNY, wonderful person!
I think we are all a bit stressed out & that impacts our behavior a bit,but it's understandable and hopefully not a chronic condition.

ETA: My H is a moron.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 3:31 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

No. You are too logical to have a PD. I should know about these things as I am married to a PD and I am a crazy old fart.

Allgood.

Could you repeat that post please? I did not hear you the first two times.

UKgirl

I really messed up when I answered your post about our WSs asking about our feelings. I was way to civil. You taught me better than that. I should have said that they ask about our feelings because they are fuckwits and fucktards. I have no excuse for my first lame answer.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dip - sorry bout that double post - I was posting while at work & I could hear my boss walking near my office & I panicked. Guess I hit the submit button a few times.Lol.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, know the panic feeling and hitting that button!! LOL!

I should have said that they ask about our feelings because they are fuckwits and fucktards.
Yep. That sounds about right!

Night tribe. They are fucktards and fuckwits and we are the only sane ones. I think...... I am currently looking at red flags and wondering if they are really there or if this is some kind of strange film and I'm in and they are just computer graphics over a blue/green backdrop.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Final written warning recd today along with termination effective in the new year. At least they have offered outplacement to help me find a new job. Already found 2 positions I'm interested in so new door opens, new beginnings hopefully a new improved life.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeppurple... Sometimes, you do need to just start over. Heck, I have a good job and almost threw it all away too. I told my boss about my W's affair. It was a good Decision. He gave me a break for awhile... he even admited that he divorced over his affair... and had some good advice for me too. Actually, divorced folks usually have good advice.

My wife had an abortion at a young age. I have seen it. No matter what you think, that thought of killing is always back in thier minds. No matter what they say or how they justify it... it is what it is... pain. It has a deep impact on your brain. In about every situation it is deep regret... deep deep pain. It would not surprise me to belive it is the same as being cheated on.

You are in such a tough all the way around... Give yourself a break for holding up this far.... My advice is to take 2-3 hours each day looking hard to find a new job... Don't lay around or surf on internet... dig deep with strong Discipline. After coffee... just do it. make a list of who to call... Do not fall into more bad habits... and It's OK to cry too.. We men have been taught to never cry... but I feel pretty good after a cry.

BTW... If you don't mind my asking, What did you do to warrent such action?

Oh well... My next goal is to stop crying every week... Although I read this week it might be good for you to cry once a week. It releases good chemicals in your brain.

UK.. thanks for that post.. You are right as always... You too NJ..it was a pick me up... M3 You ain't as crazy as me... Fun, your H was wrong to asked you to go... Ats, my W sometimes said the same as yours about sex, but then for some reason she starts to really get into it after we start.. Go figure.. heck just go tap it for awhile and not caring too much about what she thinks... try this.. asked to look you in the eyes... hey Dip.. any sex advice?

Peace out all... gonna go back on SI diet soon... lol.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:27 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday)]


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