Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Futurefear (43176)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 20
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tryn! Good to see you again.

DeepPurple: Glad to see you already have some new things lined up. I hope it turns out to be a better fit for you.

An aside:

Something just occured to me - I guess I've been shot in the heart enough times when walking past my computer with the screensaver being random photos over the past few years when I'd see a photo from the A, maybe that's what inspired it, but I put together a timeline for myself by looking at all of the photos during his A. I went month by month, using the pictures to remember anything I could about the good, the bad & the ugly.

I think this snapped into focus today when my H told me I was making a big deal out of nothing - that there were all of these legit reasons why we didn't spend any real time with each other over the past week (which there were) and I pointed out to him that for however many years he now tells me he was miserable, I could probably justify each & every day of it by saying, "But, I had to do this... and I had to do that and we didn't have any opportunities, etc..."
Anyway, it was really sort of therapeutic.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood
I pointed out to him that for however many years he now tells me he was miserable, I could probably justify each & every day of it by saying, "But, I had to do this... and I had to do that and we didn't have any opportunities, etc..."
This is typical justification for the affair. This is how I see it in my situation at the time and I would think the very same applies to you. The business of me not giving him enough attention. It’s no good pointing out the obvious, because even at his lowest, he knew it was an unfair criticism of me and, what’s more, he knew he was exacerbating any pressure on me by not being there when I needed him, therefore further removing himself from me and the family. He simply wasn’t there and I was trying to hold everything together myself, including the marriage that he was willingly sabotaging. He was “in a dark place” (miserable) because he had put himself there. I’m not sure which came first; being unhappy or being in the affair. After a while, one fed off the other. The difference (another statement of the obvious) is that I just took on more of the load and tried to help and support him more and more as he was slipping further and further away. There were times when I was floundering and not knowing why. But I didn’t seek the attention my WH wasn’t giving to me and us, at the time I needed it the most, elsewhere. And then as he got settled into the affair, he realised he could offload onto me and I would take up the slack and he could have it all.

DP, finding a job is a full time job. Is your written warning going to follow you around and affect your job prospects? Here’s hoping the right one comes along to dovetail leaving your old one. Good luck!

It releases good chemicals in your brain.
So does exercise and so does laughing. So if you do cry, make sure you do those too. Oh, and so does sex…….


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

Sex advice from me? Hell it has been so long since I have had sex I can't remember who is supposed to bring the rope!

DP.

It is good to see that you already have a few things lined up. Listen to what tryn says. He give some solid advice. BTW, what is your fav Deep Purple tune. Kentucky Woman and Hush stand out to me.

Allgood.

Don't feel bad. I think UKgirl quad posted a few days ago. I know I am setting myself up for some shit the next time I do a double post.

UKgirl.

So, laughing during sex should really release a bunch chemicals, and if your partner thinks you are laughing at him/her than you better hang on tight, cause it could be a wild ride.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone who would ask people on an anonymous forum if they think she has a personality disorder must be nuts!

Well, I AM nuts and you don't feel anonymous to me anymore. I have memories of you now too. Like sitting by the pool with a glass of white wine, watching The Pharaoh and The Pasha play and intently reading about ATS's (unexpectedly enjoyable) night out alone at the bar... hoping for the best for him ... thinking of the stress honest must be under when her WH was visiting . . . seeing tryn and his wife laughing and happy in my mind's eye and wondering if she's ever seen any of the super-dark artwork he creates ...

I don't know: Narcissistic? Histrionic? Weird Ideas about what's appropriate because my Mom is as crazy as a shithouse rat? (ding! ding! ding! we HAVE a winner!)

DeepPurple:
I am so sorry you are losing your job. I have a suggestion: consider doing something almost completely different. I know I have a desk job and if I were to change now I'd want something that kept me physically busy to some extent -- meetings or sales calls or something.

I got in huge trouble at work too. And had to tell my boss. And she's known my WH longer than I have ... she dragged me back into being productive by force of sheer will, and I still have good days and bad days. I'm not consistent yet, but my job is not in danger anymore either.

So, you're not alone.

Funny story that will tell y'all WH is coming along: I got mad at the dog and was grumbling/yelling at her (she's a counter-surfing, food-theiving bitch, but I digress) and I heard WH walk down the stairs and he poked his head around and looked at me and said with a smile and a sparkle in his eye, "M3, instead of yelling at the dog, why don't you clearly relate to her your expectations in a calm, reasonable voice and let her know what the consequences will be if she won't comply?"

To the dog.

See? THAT's the guy I fell in love with. And he's back more and more now, but I, of course am still mistrustful and pretty darn angry that for several years there all I heard was "the part of Mr.M3 will be played by Douchebag Man".

Thanks, y'all about the PD thing. I'm pretty down on myself right now. There's something about being sad and angry for an entire year that will make you feel like you must be a really horrible person.

Dip -- STOP!!! You are too hysterically funny!

Still, tryn's advice is probably spot-on. Use it or lose it. Just ask her to say yes whenever you ask for the next month. Tell her to trust you -- she knows you won't hurt her, you've shown her that you'll stand by her even at life's worst moments, but you want to try something to see if it improves sex for you two and then just ask her every single time you get the urge. see what happens.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

Your description of your dog made me .

You are not a horrible person. ( If your dog gets wind of what you just said about her she might want to file a rebuttal statement about that ) If being sad and angry makes someone a horrible person than I would say that all of us here are horrible.

Thanks for the seduction advice. I'm not sure it will work though. It sounds way to logical to work on her. I'll ponder all that you said though. After all, you did use the blinking eyes on me.

Enough about all that, we need a Baby Paddy update please.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW -- that's not really seduction advice.

Baby Paddy -- she's a diva. Finally started sitting up on Halloween. Still doesnt' do it much because she doesn't feel like it.

Won't eat baby food because it's too mushy (and, hello! She's not a BABY, she has 2 teeth!), but like cheetos, chips, crackers, pizza crust, bread ....

She's VERY proud of her teeth. She does this goofy smile where she opens her mouth super-wide and sticks her jaw forward and a bit sideways so you can see them (2 miniscule bottom teeth)

Sunshine and Mr. M3 have developed a theme song for Baby Paddy that they sing incessantly. Lord knows THAT won't contribute to her princess complex. It's adorable. I sing it too.

What else? She tries to sing. she talks. she says "Hi!" and "Hey!" and "mama" and she also wrote a corresponding theme song for Mr. M3 that she sings when she's playing or getting changed "Dah dah daddy dah dah dah..."
We're a musical crew.

No hair yet. Still a baldie. Likes her dollies. And tutus.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I think it's normal to feel crazy with all we have gone through!! KWIM?

The whole world as we knew it has been changed. Our perceptions of the one we loved with all our hearts is also changed. Of course we feel crazy. The first year we are just reeling from it all, just trying to survive. Now we are trying to go on with a new life.
I totally get the FOO issues. My mother is a BPD and has driven me crazy all my life. I don't know which way is up!! (lol, all I know is I'm down!)
I'm glad you are starting to see glimpses of the man you married.
It's funny, M3, when you said about you didn't feel this was an "anonymous" thread. I remember the same scene about Ats that you mentioned!!! WOW. See, Ats, you write so well, I could even imagine it. You said there was a storm coming, too!
You are right, M3, I imagine you riding your bike, Miracle doing her morning power walks, Dip and his BBQ, Allgood sitting behind her desk listening to her clients, Nofun running her company, UKgirl in New Zealand visiting her DS's....Laura and her WH's ducks!!! So many images of our wonderful LTA "family"!

Dip, the only thing I could suggest is mentioning to your wife two analogies: sometimes I felt in the past I didn't want sex...it was like being invited to a party and I didn't feel like going, BUT once I got there, I had a great time!
The other analogy is going into a pool. You feel comfortable....afraid the water is going to be too cold, don't want to bother, but once you finally go in, and let go, you really enjoy it. And the more often you do these things, the more you'll look forward to it.

I'm glad you mentioned this, though, Dip. WH kept telling me that the reason he did what he did was because he wasn't happy with the quantity or quality of our sex life. I think the longest we ever went was a week or perhaps a week and a half because one of us was VERY sick...when WH got the stents put in his heart or I was very sick. <sigh>

WH just called from his office. It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is calling me because he's bored. Geez. If that's the reason he's calling OW when he's here, it would hurt less KWIM? But he doesn't even say that.
Oh, well, I can't analyze stupidity.

I was watching "The Accidental Tourist" with William Hurt and Geena Davis. You see things in a new perspective once you've gone through what we've had. There was a line about going back into a well worn groove like a broken record (you have to be old enough to see the analogy with the old records!! )It feels right because it's familiar, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's the best thing for you. The tendency to go back to that groove is very strong.
I think this is like those of you in R and trying to repair the M. Once the crisis is over, it seems so many WS's (and probably a lot of BS's)want to go back into that familiar groove, or maybe not WANT, but the tendency is very strong.

Since I'm being so reflective today, I'm realizing more and more that all these years I believe I was "addicted" to WH. Addicted to him externally validating me, addicted to his treatment of me, like my father who wasn't really there for me, but gave me all those WORDS. Show up, give me some love, leave and I would go on and be independent, but lived for and relied on the feeling that I was loved....Discovering that wasn't really true, devastated me.
I have to break my addiction...

Perhaps, in an odd way, some of the WS's were like that too. For whatever reason, they were "addicted" and thought it was "love".
Ok, now I'm rambling.....

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Check in Miracle, just to let us know you are ok.

ETA: M3 I think we were cross posting, so glad to hear the good news about Baby Paddy. How adorable!!! God bless her!!

{{{Tribe}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:03 PM, November 4th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good afternoon tribe. I've been quiet lately as I'm not feeling particularly strong these days. Had an appt. with my MD on Tuesday and she was less than optimistic about the chances of my H and I making it work. She told me that she's seen so many women come into her office, tell her their H had an A and within a year the woman has cancer, etc. Pretty depressing but she used the story to try and convey to me that I need to be strong enough to leave this M. (The conversation started when I told her how I'm still having trouble concentrating.) So I relate this conversation to WH and he gets irate! I've had this MD for years and he now decides that she doesn't know what she's doing, is practicing outside the scope of her training, blah, blah, blah.....

When will he get that HE'S the problem....not my doctor, not his job, not the dog....but HIM!! He wanted to talk to me about how we need to start cutting back on our expenses so that he can decrease his travel and be home more. I wish I could say I was pleased to hear this but honestly, the thought of having him home more makes me so anxious. I had to go back to taking the Xanax today and no appt. with the IC until Monday!

Is this normal?? Why aren't I more enthused about this?? What's wrong with me that I'm not excited about the plan? Instead I'm resentful that I have to decrease my standard of living because he can't keep his pants zipped! I get so angry just thinking about how his decisions have caused me so much misery and pain.

Sorry for the vent tribe. Just another crappy day. When will it get better??


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish, when was your dday? I think it was quite recent, and if it was, you are still very, very raw.
When you said "MD", do you mean a regular medical doctor? I know that in order to get scrips you need a MD unless the IC is also a psychiatrist.

What you are feeling is very normal. It's called "the rollercoaster" of emotions. That's why it is suggested not to make any life changing decision for at least 6 months to a year. Otherwise a person will be making decisions on emotions, which is not good.

Don't apologize for venting. That's what we're here for.

Are you in MC with WH?


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When will it get better??

14 months from DDay I can say I am better.
I am not where I want to be, but I started listening to the radio in the car again, singing to songs again, enjoying conversations with my coworkers again, really enjoying my kids again.
When I look back to even 8 months ago, I can see the difference in me.
Now, just as alarming is my wildly changing opinion about his R. On Sat I had felt myself getting closer to my H, by yesterday/today, I seriously had to fight the urge to tell him it's over. The change in mood was not necessarily in response to anything (tho I know it was just a simple gesture by my H on Sat that put me in a good mood), but there it is. So, now H is being more attentive, like I asked him, and I am not excited by it at all.
Soon after DDay, I had questioned my H if he was here just for the kids & he said that was a big part of it. That really upset me. Now, I can say, if it weren't for the kids, I don't know why I would stay. But, then again, before DDay, I would've said I would never try to reconcile either....
Anyhoo - this was supposed to be a positive post - guess I made a wrong turn somewhere....
So, Strongish - yes, it does get better, but it still sucks on a regular basis. Sorry, best I could come up with. Lol.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DDay was 6/29/10. Just over 4 mos. ago.

Now, just as alarming is my wildly changing opinion about his R. On Sat I had felt myself getting closer to my H, by yesterday/today, I seriously had to fight the urge to tell him it's over. The change in mood was not necessarily in response to anything

So, now H is being more attentive, like I asked him, and I am not excited by it at all.

This is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can't tell you why some days I feel like we're going to be okay and then some days I just want to run as far and as fast as I can. Yes, both my WH and I are in IC with our MC. She saw us together the first 2 times and now sees us separately. At my last appt. we discussed that WH is not making great strides in becoming more emotionally available....he is a champion compartmentalizer....and so I'm discouraged. We ended up fighting last night. Honsently because I was just in a crappy mood and the whole money issue is a problem for me. We live comfortably but between the two of us we've always worked 3, at times 4, jobs at at time in order to have a comfortable life. WH seems to think that I should be grateful that he's "willing" to cut down on one of his jobs so that he will be home more, but my gut reaction is that I'm so much happier when he's not here. How sad is that.

Before DDay I actually thought that I had a pretty perfect life. Although my WH wasn't home much I didn't mind doing the home thing as I felt like we were working together towards our future. Now, no matter where I look the future looks bleak. I either D my WH and take a major hit in my incomeand have our kids learn about his A or stay with him and take a minor hit in our income and keep everyone happy.

So what do I really want?? That's the BIG question isn't it? What I really want is someone that is head over heels in love with me. I thought I had that but I don't. My WH is so good at denying any feelings that he can't empathize with what I'm going through. He still doesn't get that I don't trust him, not necessarily with the everyday seeing someone else part, but with my heart. He can't, or won't, feel guilt over what he's done. He gets frustrated with me for not being more optimistic but what is there to feel good about? That my H was able to lie to me for 5 years?? That he made an irrevocable decision that is costing me emotional and financial security? He has brought me to my knees and yet I see very little emotion from him at all. The IC says that he will never be able to feel what I'm feeling, but if he really loved me, the way I love him, wouldn't he be beside himself about how much pain I'm in? Wouldn't he be distraught at what's been done to me? No matter who hurt me this badly?

I'm running in circles again, or should I say back on the roller coaster. Thanks for listening.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - thanks so much for your support.
I feel very energised at the moment & positive about work.
Tryin - my performance has been shit this year - Ive been overwhelmed by WW affair - its consumed me. My defence mechanisms have failed me - my mother died when when I was very young & as such I have always felt a sense of abandonment in that regard. I have never developed close personal relationships because of this fear - my defence mechanism. The only person I have let in 100% is my WW. Her affair has totally rocked me - that sense of abandonment returns. I couldnt protect myself, it consumed me & hence work suffered. Now I'm working with my IC to put me back together again.
Funny thing is I've spent the past 2 nites helping her redo her resume as she applies for a new job..lol
New job, new attitude, new outlook on life - who knows WW may actually like what she sees but she isnt the priority at the moment.
DIP - there is only 1 & I mean only 1 song for me - the live version of "Smoke on the Water"

Everyone get your air guitars out & ....


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone, there is an interesting post in the R forum about the second year after dday. I am watching it.

Tonight I feel depressed. I was close to wanting to scream earlier, I could feel it in my back under my shoulders. When I got home late after errands with DS then an event at work FWW could tell I was down. She asked, I told her; it is the result of an afternoon interacting with her first OM (the one who works where I do). The whole time I am reading emails from him or writing back, or talking on phone I think of them. Him making her happier than I did, at least for a time, and him knowing this. Them talking about a life together, her going to meet him, him telling her how lucky I was and how I did not appreciate her.

sigh

FWW is being supportive, but there is nothing she can really do. This one is mine.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just checkin to let you all know that i am still o.k....

i think i may be in monk training though....still have no words it seems....sorry....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{Miracle}}}}}

I'm glad you checked in. You don't need any words, as long as you're ok.

Ats: Isn't there ANY way that someone else can work with this POS? There must be something you can do, even if it's to talk to your boss about someone else working with POS. You do not have to be a martyr!!!
Oh, Ats!!! {{{{{{Ats}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, November 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Must be something in the air - because I feel like crap too!

I've been in a funk for hte past 2 days & H & I were supposed to spend time together yesterday afternoon/evening. And, again, I really wasn't looking forward to it. In fact, I was dreading it because I would be uncomfortable.
I started thinking last night about how my H called OW after dropping me off at the emergency room at 1:30am to have the baby. (And, trust me it was clear that I was having the baby in the next 30 minutes & I did.) I just can't think of anything that is more of a married couple thing to do - what a unique moment for us both- how his attention should have been with me/us & he called her.
I know we all have similarly horrific stories - I know M3 - you had a bunch of difficult pregnancies & he left you alone in the hospital,etc.
Truth is, he was her significant other, I wasn't. So, that pretty much explains it, but it still hurts and I don't know how to switch gears from disgust to hey - let's hang out and watch a movie!
So, no surprise - we didn't. He knows why.
I'm trying to do damage control this morning, but the last thing I want to do right now is to pretend to be happy wife.

Strongish - I want to respond, but ran out of time. I will catch up with you later.

Miracle: you are seriously starting to worry me.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

Thanks for the baby update. So you are a musical crew? Makes me think of Donny and Marie.

O.K. That was not seduction advice. Would it be more accurate to say thanks for the how to get laid advice. For more on this subject see my reply to honest next.

honest.

Thank you for the advice. Your two analogies were very good. You need to remember the personality disorder she has. What is white to most everybody here is black to her. Throw in the tendency to think and behave in a childlike manner and approaching her in this way does not work very well. When she gets in the mood maybe I will not be in the mood.

DP

Good choice on the song. I hope you are able to stay positive about this job thing. These people that interview you will pick up on that and be more likely to take a chance on you.

ats.

I really do not know how you do it. I don't know if I would ever be able to be civil around the OMs. I agree with honest. Is there anyway to get away from having to deal with that POS? That is some real pressure.

Allgood.

Switching gears from disgust to anything fun is just so very hard to do. It sucks.

Who is this monk miracle and why is she posting these mysterious messages?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip -- good point about the personality disorder.

Maybe you should spend a lot of time reflecting that it's such a relief that you rarely have sex now that you're older ... and other ways of indicating that you just don't want to have sex ever again if possible. That might do the trick.

I think it's good Miracle isn't posting. Different = progress = healing.

We're here when you're ready to whoop on us again!

I had a bit of a funk recently too. I think it's just a function of that 2nd year -- I noticed all the "funkers" are 2nd years (you know -- kind of like law school (?) LOL)

So . . .
I'm trying to come up with a way to articulate what I call in my head the "soft 180". Of course, I haven't made the whole thing up yet, but bear with me. The real 180 is almost a silent treatment. My thing is WAY harder than that -- because it's trying to re-build attachment in the wayward partner, and to promote detachment in the betrayed partner, essentially to achieve a balance of emotional power in the relationship.

You see, if there is a task that ABSOLUTELY MUST get done, its sort of a game of chicken. I can bluff that I won't do any of it. And if you care more than I do, you'll do it, or more of it. I'm probably not making much sense here in some respect. But I guess what I'm trying to say is: You're playing chicken with your WS. But you CAN'T lose. You ABSOLUTELY MUST be willing to crash the car. Period. You must be willing for the kids to find out Santa isn't real because your WS passed out drunk on the couch and wouldn't wrap the presents, so to speak.

It SEEMS scary -- but then again -- maybe you've already made the choice. I know I made that choice when I decided my WH was BS'ing me about no PA with the evidence I had and I e-mailed OW to get the confirmation. I've been a train wreck for the better part of the year, but that was the moment I decided "zip up your pants or I'm crashing this car buddy." (and then of course, I really DID crash the car, literally, but I continue to maintain that was a complete accident, I would NOT do that deliberately with my kids in the car, and the judge did dismiss the case ...)

So, what is it? Well, it's a lot of the things we talk about here on SI. It's setting and maintaining boundaries. It's calling your spouse on EVERYTHING, right away, but neutrally. "Hey, you just did X. I don't like that. It makes me feel Y." Then drop it. It's doing what is appropriate to meet your spouse's needs without asking them to meet any of yours. It's learning to self-soothe. It's identifying your needs and finding ways to get almost all of them met outside your marriage. It's setting goals for yourself that have nothing to do with your family or marital state and working to achieve those goals. It's being open to more emotional intimacy if your spouse requests it, but letting go of needing that from your spouse.

It is essentially pursuing two avenues at once. So, it's the 180 in the way you focus on you, but soft in that you are not NC and in fact you focus on caring for your spouse and their needs as well, as long as caring for them does not interfere with your needs, wants, morals or goals.

It's not easy. Not only am I not getting it right every day; I'm not even getting all of it right any day. But even my imperfect so far version of this is working. And it's not a game. It's just my life now. It's like saying "Look: I think I'm pretty great and I want to do X,Y,Z with my time. I'm living a life here, not a relationship. I'd love to have you around if you're willing to be in a real relationship -- as long as I can still accomplish X, Y, Z.

Anyway, that's my lame, half-formed description. Hope this helps someon0e.

Strongish -- it gets better. You just have to find your feet again. The most important thing is this: you need to learn to self-soothe. You'll know you're really getting where you need to be when you write us and it's "how can I help you?" and not, me, me, me. Njgal embodies this. Many of the rest of us are getting there. But for right now, me, me, me is exactly what you need, so keep posting.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you see what I'm trying to say though? Be you. Be healthy. Let your spouse know that you'd like them to be with you if they choose to be loyal and healthy too, and that you'll be OK if they make a different choice, but they really can't be with YOU if they make a different choice. Because you deserve someone who is loyal and healthy.

it's not a game. it's just the way we should all live.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33, Awwww! Baby Paddy! Thanks for the update, she sounds such a little doll!

Strongish – goodness me!!

tell her their H had an A and within a year the woman has cancer, etc.
Why would your doctor want to tell you that? If she’s talking about cancer developing after trauma, I tell you, you’d get the cancer whether you stayed or divorced! The threat of a terminal illness (and let’s face it, life is terminal!) is not the way to help you. I’m sorry, but I think she was way out of line. She’s there to help you, not make you even more depressed. Currently, you are staying, so imho she should be supporting you in that. I have had many symptoms of trauma since d-day, but even though the cancer gene is in my family, I didn’t (or at least haven’t so far) developed it.

When will it get better? That is up to you. And your H. You are not far out, but I think you know that. You’ve been dealt a rotten set of cards in the infidelity game, so please remember the mantra: LTA-LTRecovery

So what do I really want?? That's the BIG question isn't it? What I really want is someone that is head over heels in love with me. I thought I had that but I don't.
I wish FNF was in a bit more often, she’s so much better at this than me. I guess you have to stop asking yourself that question right now. Yes it is the big question, but it is too big to analyse, you just have to feel what you want. Would you be happier with or without your H? It sounds as if you need to tell him what you want from him to make you feel a little more secure. The dream of the marriage you had is gone, so work on what you can recover for the time being. I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say.

I’ve had a very difficult lunch with H. I tried to bring up the ex-gf subject, the Dinner Date and the Reunion Dinner in Dec. I started by saying GF2 had sent a card in the post. He immediately said “”it didn’t arrive in this morning’s post, I picked it up”. I said it arrived yesterday and then went on to ask why she would send one when she already sent a thank you email. He said it was probably etiquette. Then he got defensive. He sat back, sighed, rolled his eyes and said “not that again” “look, she’s just a friend, they came for dinner, she said thank you” The reunions were just about talking about kids and how they’re doing, some who are grandparents – that’s all. He wouldn’t necessarily sit next to them or near them. Last year he sat next to XXX and his wife, blah, blah. He went on and on. I tried to say about the trust issue, how would he feel if it was me, if the tables were turned (he wouldn’t stop me – no, he wouldn’t cos he would have divorced me)Oh and it’s MY fault for waiting so long to bring it up. Of course. We didn’t talk all the way home (about an hour). I think his response has told me everything. There was something there. I also brought up his pre-A behaviour the day before he went to last year’s reunion. Of course he had no idea what I was talking about.

Okay. He doesn’t want a jealous or controlling wife. Fine. I won’t be. He can fuck who he likes, just don’t bring anything home to me. Anything more, I should say. But perhaps he should tell any prospective other partners or girlfriends that he is a herpes carrier before he shags them. Fucking selfish fuckwit, stupid bastard, talk over me twat. Fuck him!!!!!

Stomping off in a very bad mood to the supermarket. >>>>>>>>>>

eta
He’d forgotten that’s how it all started with MOW. Or so he said. That it started innocently enough, he was just interested in how she was and interested in her family? That she was just a friend? And I’m supposed to believe him now, that they are all “just good friends?”??

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:42 AM, November 5th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.