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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd try to make sure my kids knew I love them and would miss them tremendously. Then I'd just sit back, relax and wait for it to happen. To get out of this mess would be such a relief I could hardly wait.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum.

I know what you mean about it being a relief to get out of this mess. Im just tired of it. And want it to end.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Rent a house in Santa Cruz, CA

2. Surf every day.

3, Cruise the coast in my 61 Austin Healey and listen to 60's to 70's rock at full volume.

3. At night smoke cigars, eat cheeseburgers and chili dogs and wash them down with fine brandy and champagne--the opposite of my present lifestyle.

Btw in 1979 my doc gave me six months to live due to cirrhosis of the liver. What did I do with that dire warning? I continued drinking day and night and finally quit in August of 1980. Dumbass? Yeah but it seems to have worked.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole bucket list/terminal illness question is always an interesting one, and I wonder sometimes, if we're honest, how many of us would include "sharing x with my wife" or "experiencing y with my beloved bride" on those lists?

The bad part is that I strongly suspect the answer is infidelity independent.

Most guys can answer the "if this was your last day on earth, how would you want to spend it" with some variation of "surrounded by my wife and kids just talking and loving each other". But three months is like way too much time. It's like a motorcycle, wide open road, dirty roadside bars and skanky women question. There's no other acceptable answer.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree wincing... I’ve got a feeling a normal answer for a married guy would be some variation revolving around wife and family. But we’re betrayed men here. They could have had that, and chose to throw it away.... So we no longer value those things like we once did and learned a rough lesson: It’s not so much “us” anymore as it is “me” and “her”. I watch out for me, she watches out for her.

Hate to say it, but on my last day, I’d really like to just go berserk on my WW and rage out all this pent up frustration and anger on her that I feel about the pain she’s inflicted on me over the years... just open that cage where I’ve boxed it all in and let it flow out in a rush. It’s be such a release to no longer hold back, no longer be that patient, understanding husband she needs me to be..... I want to release the monster inside without the worry or fear of ramifications down the road. But I know me too well... even on my last day, I would not have the monster be the memory to remain behind. If I could only mind-wipe it later........ Man I’d love to really let it out instead of holding my tongue and ramming it back into the cage.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty - I'm like you would love to unload but wouldnt but I have written her a letter to read after my death (revenge from the grave). Also wrote one to the kids as well so it will haunt her after I'm gone.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most guys can answer the "if this was your last day on earth, how would you want to spend it" with some variation of "surrounded by my wife and kids just talking and loving each other". But three months is like way too much time. It's like a motorcycle, wide open road, dirty roadside bars and skanky women question. There's no other acceptable answer.

Love that observation.

Hey, it's been a long time since I've checked in. Can't believe there is a new 10+ page thread since my last visit.

Had an interesting and satisfying realization last week. I had a vacation planned with my DD and another family. My WW actually planned it (before our last family trip -- and we all know how that one turned out). For a variety of reasons, we decided I would take DD on the trip. At the last minute, WW decided to join us for the first few days. (Don't get me started.)

As awkward as those days were (ranging from forced civility to overt hostility), I realized that my WW is completely and totally miserable. I've known it for a long time, but the close confines gave me a first-hand look at how unhappy she is. And regretful (not of what she did to me, but of what she did to her life).

The close confines also gave me a glimpse back at all of the BS I used to have to put up with. Moodiness, bitchiness, nagging, accusatory.

Great realization. I don't have to deal with it anymore. I ignored it all, didn't take any of the bait, and had a blast with my DD and our friends.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper.

I hear you on what happened.

Their is a whole in your wife like mine where you are magically set to fill.

I accepted less and managed to be somewhat happy during wifes LTA.

Their is no level of kiss ass or being super husband that would EVER make her happy.

Your wife like mine has terrible self esteem and like an affair helps that.

Why I am with wife? My children.

Other than that she will never be happy unless cheating or if she magically finds herself.

Not holding my breath on that and grabbing what life I can for me.

Bucket list .... hahahahahahha. I plan long distance future without wife now.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, Razor, we can cut the shit in here. That fucking crap about the tortured WS, is as you said, "cry me a fucking river" bullshit.

I know fucking well, my old lady doesn't regret it. I know fucking well, the others were notches on her lipstick case. I know fucking well, she bragged about her "younger fuck toys" to her friends.

She'll never admit it, she doesn't want the label that comes with the fun. But she enjoyed it, has fond memories of it, and got away with it, without so much as a rough time.

I'm such a fucking sap.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW....Now that I think about my answer to "what would you do" I realized that is what I did do. When I found out about FWW's LTA I was overseas and tried to commit suicide. I wrote letters to my kids and anyone else I loved and told FWW to go F*%# her brains out with OM. Obviously I didn't succeed but I can never say I'm sorry I didn't. Would never do that to my kids again BUT...if something else comes along that can take me from this hell I'm living I wouldn't resist it.

I also don't recommend trying anything like that in another country. Had to spend time in a mental hospital in a foreign environment only makes the whole experience worse.

[This message edited by jollum at 8:53 AM, November 16th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi.

Oftimes I get kinda fed up with the PC and pussy footing around that allot of people do. And me mouth starts running. Throwing up all the thoughts I have been holding back.

Early in the week is worse as Im usually in a fucker of a mood. And it eases off a bit by week end.

Ive gotten a few warnings from the mods over it from time to time. Just as I got a warning on that *o cry me a river* rant. Probably for the best tho. No sense offending people who have helped me. No sense biting the hand that feeds.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya, bro. I've had my fair share of mod wrath.

Just letting you know I stand right there with you, my friend. Pretty much a strong union type bind.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She'll never admit it, she doesn't want the label that comes with the fun. But she enjoyed it, has fond memories of it, and got away with it, without so much as a rough time.

I'd be willing to be money that when you get the girls together sans husbands (and especially BH's), this is what you'll really hear more often than not, even the tamer "i had an affair once, *giggle* ooh, ooh, let me tell you about it!" after a few too many drinks and the over-sharing begins.

Of course, it depends on who "the girls" are. If they're straight-laced religious biddies, then probably not, but gal pals? Of course.

Yeah, girls like to brag as much as guys, and just like guys, they know that there's the reassurance you give your SO ("you're the best ever, and I'm glad I've got you and only you for the rest of my life") and the reality you share with people who won't rat you out.

This, to me, is just one of those obvious reflections of the "if you didn't dig it, you wouldn't have done it for x years/had multiple affairs/etc."

I don't think we see this sort of behavior on SI solely because SI is penitent place you go to be told you're working on your shit and you're a good person. It's the Sunday confessional after the Saturday night party where everyone wears white and knows their catechism.

(Note: this is not a criticism of SI or how SI does what it does. It's what SI exists for, in some ways.)

And you know what? When I'm joking with the guys in the office about divorce and ex-wives, when they ask me how my first marriage ended, I tell them, "I fucked the babysitter." Chuckles all around. Jokes about hot babysitters. You know the drill. So I'm not going to sit back and try to make it look like I'm holier-than-thou on this. I've done and will likely do again in the future, the same sort of shit. All I'm saying is that I know we're being patronized with pretty reassurances and accept that it's what I should expect in the audience I'm in (i.e., BH) vs the audience I'm not (gal pals).

If it was any different, I'd see it as disrespectful anyway. You don't brag about your other/previous sexual conquests and the good/steamy/romantic bits to your current SO. Not if you want your genitals intact, at least. We all know this, and most of us don't think twice about it when we're talking about boyfriends/exes previous to the marriage. We assume the positive/nostalgic stuff exists and let it go (just like we get to keep ours) as long as we don't have to hear about it.

At the end of the day, affairs are just boyfriends and fuck buddies contracted at an inappropriate juncture. I think we're fooling ourselves if imagine they'd ever be remembered any differently than the other boyfriends.

Best we can do is engage shaming tactics and mockery to make most of the memories distasteful, but we'll never get at all of them, because we'll never be told about all of them, and likely not the best of them, because those are the ones your WW most wants to shelter in her heart of hearts along with her first sexual experience, her first kiss, her first x with new guy z.

Sorry to any of the new guys if this was too blunt. It takes some time to get to the place where you can accept the A as part of the "boyfriend history" charade we all play as married people, but you'll get there.

My big advice to that end is to start spending your time now making your own fond memories to counterbalance the ones your spouse gets out of the A. Taking time to sail around in your fishing boat, coffee with friends, whatever. Get what you need that's just yours and you'll make it through.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn. That was a much longer post than I intended.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You gettin all long winded there, Wincy??


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"i had an affair once, *giggle* ooh, ooh, let me tell you about it!" after a few too many drinks and the over-sharing begins

I know from retrieved texts(SIM card reader) my WW bragged about how clueless I was that she was fucking around, & how cool it was to go behind my back. Shit I cannot forget, like "I hate my husband" texted to her friend.

I feel now she will just get better at hiding, + given the fact I no longer care, it's prolly even easier to cheat now.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettin all long winded

You're too kind.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
FatherFirst
♂ Member
Member # 28886
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL,

That may have been a slightly long post, but it was, as usual, so completely fucking true. Your observations are right on the money, and it sometimes seems you take the words right out of my mouth.

Your wry sense of humor and kick-ass writing skills, by the way, even in a completely anonymous forum like this, were incredibly heartening to me when I was still dealing with the aftermath of my wife's stupidity not that long ago and wasn't sure reconciling was the best option. Just so you know.

And there is a kind of Sunday morning, apres-wild-Saturday night quality to some of the posts in here. Some of the WS's even sound like nuns! It's hilarious, really. But it obviously serves a noble purpose.


Me: BH, 51
Her: FWW, 39
D-Day: 08/24/2007
Offense: Office EA with POSOM, also now 50, caught right before it would have become PA
Children: DD, 9

Respect yourself. Never tolerate or make excuses for a cheater, a user, a liar, or a betrayer.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: East Coast
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long wincing, but well written. I don’t necessarily agree. While the affairs were going on, sure... But now? It’s a mixed bag. My WW gets ill at the thought of her LTPA and what a loser he was.I’d imagine it’d be similar to what we go through thinking back on happier moments of the marriage and now knowing she was having an affair during those times.... those memories aren’t so happy anymore. So bottom line comes down to whether they truly are disgusted with themselves for having an affair... Those that are, would hardly brag about it to the girls because they are ashamed.

But the EA’s my WW was involved in.... I believe are a different story, as are any others she’s “forgotten” about. I believe for my WW, the only one she’s revealed and really discussed is the LTPA (she was willing to sacrifice the loser). The other’s she’s still somewhat protecting those memories and I believe she still cherishes them and plays the “what if” game in her head.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, but there’s a plus side... I learned from her how to effectively make you question yourself. So I’ve done that to her through the little barbs and comments which are undeniable and contrary to her own beliefs, morals, and values. I made her see herself as just the sort of person she loathes instead of the false idol she thought she was. It is kinda nice revenge for me standing on the sidelines and watching my wife battle herself. Part of her still holds the “I do what I want, no one controls me” and “I was totally justified” line of the affair... while the other part calls her out on the bullshit leaving her wallowing in self-doubt and depression. So I get to see her own personal roller coaster as she rediscovers herself and what she really stands for.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
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