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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol Razor, Iím with you there. Other than it affecting my mood (makes Mighty smile), I donít associate sex with her as anything deep. In fact, itís opened up some potential.

Wincing, you keep scaring me... my wife was my third time and the other two were one night stands...

So, question for you all. Has the sex changed for you?

For me, it once was something deep and had meaning like wincing... so I had respect and carried around toxic shame for my perverted thoughts. Now that she devalued herself and sex, Iím a lot more liberated. I can ask for ďspecialsĒ now and not feel bad for asking. She can refuse, but Iím no longer fearing what she might think of me after her affairs. So sex has taken on a new level of fun... I can explore and be a pervert if I want. I can focus on my own pleasure without guilt. And ... she likes it better this way. I can even handle rejection a ton better because itís no longer a rejection of anything special Iím offering; itís just accepted that sheís not in the mood and as offensive as her rejecting my offer to get her another beer. Sex is just fun, but holds no significant meaning to me anymore. It makes me happy for a bit, and a happy Mighty doesnít pick fights.

Ok, Iíll share something else too... One night when as we were starting, I triggered (random mind movie) and Mighty Jr. decided he didnít want to play no more with her. She tried and tried (a real serious effort there), but it wouldnít work... and I had to tell her about my vision. I had no words of comfort.

What I didnít tell her is that I can now control my erection about half the time. If I focus on her, often I lose the erection; It bothers me. I have to focus on the physical act to keep it (part of why I also am exploring sex a lot more too). Thatís something new post A. So ya, Iím screwed up......


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The changes I noticed:

1. I was able to embrace rougher sex because it didn't feel so disrespectful to me. We'd had episodes of rough sex in the past, but I always felt guilty about it, because I didn't feel like I was cherishing her the way I should when I was being rough.

2. I have more fantasies now about sharing her with another man. That always felt creepy and disrespectful to me, too...except I didn't know I actually *was* sharing her. Now it's no longer creepy. It's something I know she's considered. (She joked with me about just moving xOM in about a week after D-day so we could all just be one big happy family...so you know the thought had crossed her mind at least once.)

(And yes, I completely realize that 2. is a cuckhold control fantasy and nothing more. If I "share" her with another man by my choice, then there's no deceit or the sense she's getting one over on me behind my back.

Or maybe it's just jealousy. My wife had threesomes with a non-xOM AP and her boyfriend. Sort of takes the gilding off that lily when your wife can tell you from firsthand experience how "awful and degrading" threesomes are.)

FWIW, threesome fantasies aren't things I can bring up in the bedroom any longer. They trigger my wife. So I have to keep them inside my head rather than share them when they strike.

That's one of the unwritten consequences of infidelity: all the dirty talk topics that subsequently become off-limits. And it was some of my best material, too.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 6:12 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wal, I don't believe your parents lied.
It was watching an older couple lean in to themselves and comment on stbx's slutty dress that played a big part in waking me up to reality.

Since I'm not sacred, what is sacred is a mystery.

The 30,000 stories on here...my own, convince me, beyond doubt, that sex is sacred, and it does not depend on one's belief for it to be so.

There is no other rational, pretzel-like though it may be! explanation
for the pain, and stories, and why we are here.

There's an "I have spoken" element to things.
or...
"Do it cuz I said so"
Like you'd tell your children who *don't understand*.

The joining of one flesh is sacred (in its mystery way). If it wasn't, I seriously doubt any of us would be here.

That being said, it's important to add that I envy you. Owning my own and all, I'd be the opposite, having had numerous escapades. My latest, the stbxw, would have any kind of sex with me, anywhere, anytime. I remembered feeling less, somehow devalued, even though I was driving home with a sticky spot in my crotch.

Just me maybe. Her A woke me up...to other, invisible truths I seem to have been avoiding...in a "not right now, get back to you later big guy" sorta way.

Not no more.

Re the hypergamous sense of entitlement...
In my sitch, it helped me (I'm a slow learner) to realize that her so-called "emotional needs" could never be satisfied.

Some people are just gaping black holes of selfish need. I'm sorry. They can never be filled.


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, jjct. Maybe that was a case of me getting carried away...because I still believe on some level that sex can be--and *should* be sacred, a sacred mystery, as you point out.

I guess what I truly mean is that it doesn't *have* to be, though I formerly believed it did, that it was always a sacramental act, even when you were just rooting around and giggling over it on a sunny Autumn afternoon, know what I mean? It was still an expression of the ineffable love and devotion between a married couple, even after you pulled the fuzzy handcuffs out of the closet.

Being cheated on--and the way/duration in which it occurred in my circumstance--changed my thinking. It can also *not* be sacred. It doesn't have to be, and sometimes that's better.

Once it's gone, that belief in the sacred quality of the bond between the husband and wife, I don't know if it can ever be fully recovered. I know I don't have the urge to recover it. I'm happy just having sex without having to think about the metaphysics of it, and I certainly don't have the interest/desire/energy to reconstruct the sacred edifice to account for subsequent knowledge. I'd rather just fuck if it's all the same.

Would the sacredness be there inherently with Wife #3? I don't know. It's not a question I'm asking at this point in my life.

But, as always, your point is well taken, jjct.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.
I was the one clinging to the lie my parents told me.

X2-stupid me went all thru high school thinking you had to ahve somsort of feelings for your partner-when all along just being horny was enough. Boy I sure would have used some girls...

I actually thouhgt it was some sort of "connection" w/WW-what a load of shit-pig shit as Razor would say


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not getting it so no fucking change here...it was deep & meaningful but i doubt i will feel that way again about it....sex for the pure pleasure of it....the A changed everything....damn it


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'd have rather had my dick cut off than have sex with my wife after discovering her cheating.

Yup, we're divorced.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
RKT429SS
♂ Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I see from the affair and from reading intimate details of other people's sex lives on SI that she was right all along. I was the one clinging to the lie my parents told me.

Wincing, your post is pretty deep and I fall in your camp. My above average religious upbringing has instilled that Ďsacredí mindset with sex for me, counterbalanced with my more below average religious WW who had an A. My rents just celebrated their 50th. Your right, it doesnít (and essentially canít now) be sacred.

My wife was #2 when I met her about 16 years ago. For all intensive purposes, she was a rebound from my first. If someone picked apart our relationship, they would see some fundamental flaws for sure. Whether the flaws led to the A is a much greyer subject. but I digress..


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I get your point too, wal. If/when a W#3 comes along, I'll deal with it then.

Though sometimes I groan at the change the A brought to my life, still, I've put it in my heart to embrace whatever it is I'm feeling.

My "It's valid/I'm valid" self-talk message to me and the universe, flavored with the essential "it is what it is" spice.


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex has changed in the Atsenaotie household. For me, it is less the deep emotional connection with FWW (or previous women) than it used to be. I think this is OK and is a result of my being less emeshed and co-dependant on her feelings and emotion. For FWW, and this is a work in progress, sex is becoming more of an emotional connection as she works to develop emotional intimacy.

Sex is like so many other parts of my life now that I have gone through dday. I can meet my own needs (with or without a partner), but there is not much I can do to control FWW and her feelings. If frequency or type of sex becomes an issue I can tell FWW. It will change or not. I no longer take that personally as rejection, it is just who FWW is and how she feels at the time.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I'm not the only one with little experience-a Playboy shrink recommended 12 serious relationships before M-I'm about 10 shy of that, maybe 9.

Sure wish I had read that about 11 yrs ago...

I am not alone on the rough sex either, evidently.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very interesting thoughts here. I'll throw mine, not that they matter, it just makes me feel better to say them.

FWW is the one and only person I've ever had sex with. Up until her A I was supposedly the only one she ever had (I still have my doubts). I never looked at the ACT of sex as a sacred thing but I have always looked at the FIDELITY aspect as the sacred thing. Sex to me can be good, bad and anywhere in between but the fact it was only between FWW and me is what made it sacred and special.

Now post A it's definitely different.

We went through HB. My FWW had not been with me sexually for over a year. I was taking viagra and doing everything trying to spark some interest but it wasn't there for her. I of course, didn't know about the A. After HB started I needed absolutely nothing to help little "jollum" do what needed to be done. He was able to fight a longer battle too. From the aspect of the physical act....it had never been better.

BUT...That was almost 2 years ago and now I don't even want to have sex with FWW. I just don't feel close enough or in love enough with her to share that special act. Again, it was the fact that we were true to each other that mattered most to me and made me enjoy sex as the truly special thing it was to me. Now I frankly just don't care.

Do I still get horny? Yes. But I've found when I think about FWW telling me about how sex with OM wasn't that great (but she kept doing it for years) I am able to get myself out of the mood quite quickly and go back to feeling nothing again. There is a part of me that also doesn't want FWW to get the wrong message if I do have sex with her. I've made it very clear that we are not in R or anything else. I am only here as long as I feel like it and I don't want her turning a sexual encounter into a tool she uses to both make herself believe I am staying for sure and use against me to start a fight if I say it was "just sex".

Life after infidelity sucks so bad.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole mentality towards WW has changed post - A. The sex is simply a symptom of the overall change.

I find myself more and more indifferent to her or her percieved "needs". Her ideas, thoughts etc mean nothing to me and come across most of the time as nothing more than white noise.

I made the path to R as simple and short as possible and she chose "her way", which is very typical of her. Her needs, thoughts, wants, etc always trump anyone else. Becuase she's simply one of the most selfish people I have ever known.

And that attitude is what is driving my decisions these days. Whether we have sex or not doesnt bother me anymore. Whether we can have any meaningful conversations or spend any quality time together means nothing either. She was given the opportunity to begin the healing process with clearly articulated needs and she dismissed them

So now I find myself simply dismissing her...


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So now I find myself simply dismissing her...

you are progressing well, grasshopper...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a Playboy shrink recommended 12 serious relationships before M

Jeeze, Stone the crows.... 12?

Perhapes it depends on what serious really means.

I only had about half a dozen relationships that lasted much longer than 3-4 months. But ive had countless non-serious ones that were anything from a few hours too several months.

For me i have always differentiated between having sex and making love. Before i met my WW i had no problems having Sex with a woman, wether id meet her 5 mins before or known her for 6 months first... if its just sex then, well, its just sex...good fun for everyone.
But Ive also allways believed that when you really care for someone, that sex with them takes on a different note, its no longer just sex, its making love.

The way i differentiate them is that with Sex its primarilly about you, when you make love its primarilly about the other person. Sure if your having sex to make sure you keep having it youll want to make sure that its enjoyable enough for your partner that they will want a repeat performance. And when you make love your also getting your own needs met.... but thats not the driver.

Even after DDay i still made love to my WW, but as the feeling grew that she was stagnating in our R, that she was ignoring my needs for getting over her infidelity, then my desire to make love diminished, We still had sex occasionally, but i wasnt making love.

These days, meh, im S'd with no plans for a SO in the next year. I know that i could go out cruse the bars and parties and drum up a bit of sex, but for the moment i just cant be bothered, besides with all this not getting any my running speed has been going through the roof

I do look foward too making love again, it would be kinda sad if i never got to do that again...


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today's mood;

I don't give a fuck, and I don't give a fuck about not giving a fuck!!!

Let's watch some football, scratch our balls, and drink beer.

Happy T-Day to all my American brothers.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back at ya Jimi!

I've got a Turducken in the oven (smells great!)... Going to make some dressing in a few, got the football game on and going to a sister's house at 3:00...

Life ain't bad ;-)

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today's mood;

I don't give a fuck, and I don't give a fuck about not giving a fuck!!!

Let's watch some football, scratch our balls, and drink beer.

Happy T-Day to all my American brothers.


Great outlook Jimi! I'm giving more of a fuck today than I was hoping to, but it's (mostly) all good.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, slightly off topic, but I never dreamed that, at 36 years of age, I'd be too much of a pussy to say "Mom, Dad, I've started smoking again, and I'm heading out back for 10 minutes because I need a fucking smoke."

Too much holiday stress as it is. No need to add to it by getting the parents all worked up. Maybe I'll just stick it out for a few more hours and then take the dog on a long walk. And bring the secret pack of smokes I hid in my laptop bag like a 15-year-old kid.

Weak.

[This message edited by jasper at 6:40 PM, November 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 39 and I don't smoke in front of my parents, either. Neither do either one of my brothers.

I'm certain they know I smoke, but we never bring it up. I "go for walks" when I'm at their house...it's not fooling anyone, but it's a game we play because I know they don't like it.

Doesn't matter how old you get...mom is still mom, know what I mean?

ETA - Oh, and I move my smokes from my shirt pocket to my pants pocket right before I go into their house...every time.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 6:49 PM, November 25th (Thursday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

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