She was always 'dark,' I just didn't realize it. Heck, I'm pretty sure she didn't either.
Exactly! She was always a quiet one. I always thought that 'still waters run deep' Turns out, it was just still water, mudpuddle deep.
The ruin you describe will be mine and our kids. I'll be bankrupt, wiped out at 59, kids futures compromised, college funds turned to bar bills. But hey, she's happy (according to her Mom).
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids 21, 19, 16, b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Hell, sounds like my ex-WW....but hey, She's Happy!
I'll drink to that...only 10 more years of shelling out and dealing with that one.
Your tag line describes our future. While it sucks to hear it, its good to know I'm not alone in this fecal thunderstorm.
When they go dark, hell, when they ARE dark, I'm going toward light. Now there's a 180 for ya.
It's healing. Promise.
Going completely 180 degrees OPPOSITE of fuckery is never a bad choice.
Listening to the brutal truth almost turned me away from the site....
But all jokes aside, brutal honesty is the best medicine for this plague...
Hang in there Merlin. There are shiny silver linings around the feces..rediscovering YOU, YOUR STRENGTHS, and fulfilling YOUR needs...
to quote a new jjct-ism:
Going completely 180 degrees OPPOSITE of fuckery is never a bad choice.
There an unhealthy element in mine...If I were to make an honest assessment it would boild down to the following:
1) She's insecure, and a D leaves her exposed to a new unknown
2) She's here for financial security (though I have trouble understanding this one)
3) If we D, it re-affirms her own view of herself and reinforces low self esteem.
So, none of these reasons really add up to wanting to stay, or truly feeling any remorse or love for me. Rather, they are more in line with why she shouldnt go.....
I've been such an idiot for these past 8 months, thinking it was me who needed to deal with what she did. I dealt with it, and started moving on, and now she's an insane drooling mess. Now I'm the bad guy for moving on.
You're not the bad guy for moving on....you're just moving on. We all have our thresholds...
Maybe some of the other guys can chime in.
There are two types of healing. First and foremost, we need to heal ourselves. Second, if BOTH parties have stepped up and played their respective rolls in their healing, then and only then can the M begin to heal.
One thing I learned and seemed to forget earlier on in this current shitstorm is that I have learned these lessons before, in my previous marriage. Like my profile states, sometimes I'm just a slow learner....thus 5 kids
Scary and disappointing how easy it is for me to get pulled back into her drama and dysfunction. And she's got me feeling guilty. WTF?
REGARDLESS OF WHERE THE CHIPS FALL AT THIS POINT, YOU NEED TO CUT HER DYSFUNCTION OUT OF YOUR LIFE. You can remain civil, but distance yourself from the drama.
Remember the famous line...."sorry you feel that way". And then turn around, grab a cup of coffee or beer, as appropriate, and get on with enjoying your life.
I've got no interest in R, but I still feel partially responsible for the WW. I've got to cut her off and stop being responsible for all of her fucked up emotions.
It all seems so simple to me: she fucks my friend, then decides she wants to be with him instead of me, he dumps her, goes back to his family, and we stay separate but civil. I've been dumped by my wife of 11 years (live-in lover of 14 years) and I move on. Enjoy new freedom to have sex with other women. Deal on my own with what she did to me.
Makes sense, right?
She functions ok at first, then realizes I've moved on. Freaks out. Falls apart. Finds out I'm seeing a woman she knows (vaguely) and turns on the guilt machine. And I feel guilty.
WTF? I'm trying to move ahead with my life. Why am I such a pussy when it comes to her? It's like I bought into us as a couple, and now feel like I'm the one giving up on the relationship because I don't want to fix it.
But why should I fix it? I didn't fuck anyone else when I was married. She has some hot friends. We've had some drunken hot tub nights with some of them. I kept it in my pants. Why is this suddenly my fault?
Not saying the next piece of advice is healthy or not, just something I did. Once I committed myself to my first D, and weaned myself off the drinking binge I'd set out on, I set a new goal.....and by the third or fourth piece of ass I was immune to my ex and her bulshit....just stay away from the nymphos....my balls still hurt at times just thinking about trying to keep up with this redhead I hooked up with....lucky my pecker didnt fall off and die.
IT ENCOMPASSES LETTING GO. IF YOU HAVE TRULY REACHED THAT UNTENABLE POSITION, LET GO.
Oh, and avoid nymphos. Dont forget that either.
I know I'm a good dad. That's something I've dedicated myself to. My WW is a great mom. I have few complaints there. She buys the clothes, makes sure the homework gets done. That kind of thing.
I do the sports. Swimming, karate. I wish I could make soccer happen, but it's a challenge.
I want to let it go. I thought I had let it go. But what I can't get out of my mind is that she's the mother of my child. No matter what she did to me, I still feel a responsibility.
And, what I can't make her understand is that she gave me up, physically, when she dumped me for another guy.
I really thought I had left all of this behind me. Now, she's making me feel like I am dumping her, and I can't help feeling responsible.
My problem, I know. Just sucks. She fucked me over. She fucked my friend, and I somehow feel like the bad guy. I don't get it.
My ex wife is truly a pathological liar and a cheat. If she came to me with Jesus next to her and told me it was 1026 PST and I was remarried and father to five kids, I would
1) step outside, look at the sky and check my watch
2) count my kids
3) curse the fake Jesus standing next to her
In my sitch, she's a truly shitty mother. S-H-I-T-T-Y. And a whore...she cheats horrendously on the guy she left me for. And came back to me from. And left me for. And came back to me from...etc.
BUT. She is the mother of my kids. She calls me for something regarding the kids, and depending I either schedule my calendar / cut a check - OR I HANG UP.
IT TRULY IS THAT SIMPLE. I am civil. Once you reach complete apathy regarding the WW / ex WW, AND distance yourself from the PERSONAL connection (I am not referring to the co-parenting one), you will attain the peace that you seek.
And last but not least. They will pull histrionice bullshit initially. Just chalk it up to fuckem if they cant take a joke.
just stay away from the nymphos....my balls still hurt at times just thinking about trying to keep up with this redhead I hooked up with....lucky my pecker didnt fall off and die.
Jasper - I feel for you friend. Obviously with your DD it is impossible to detach completely from your WW, but you definitely don't have anything to feel guilty about. IMO, your WW is just pulling this BS so she can minimise, in her own fucked up mind, the sole role she played in the breakdown of your M. To absolve herself of her responsibility.
You've done an awesome job in moving forward and working on yourself. Carry on and enjoy your new life. You deserve it. Just keep telling yourself *this too shall pass*.
Then she found out about the woman I'm seeing. Holy hell. All I want to do is go back to the standoff we had over the summer and fall. I was perfectly content. I trust her with DD, and I'm done with caring about what she does with other guys. I drank a lot, did some stupid things, but they were things I didn't need to share with her.
Oh, after fuckem if they cant take a joke, if you're up to it find a nympho. In my sitch she was therapeudic for the first few weeks. Just dont hang around too long. Your dick will thank you for this piece of advice. TRUST ME.
Nymphos? I don't know. But sex? Better than my last 5 years of marriage.
My priority now, aside from my DD, is feeling good.
Jasper - You're on the right track Brother. Forget the small shit and follow through with the above statement.