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User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given the history, I would continue with the D and separation. You can always slow it down or stop it if her actions begin to give you confidence.
Work with your attorney and get her out or move yourself out. Make it clear to you that you can and will be OK without her. Do the 180, work on yourself, and take care of your son. In a month or two while the D is making its way forward, look, if you are so inclined. I would not believe anything she says.

This is just me, but you asked.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:10 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
oftenwrong
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Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe actions and not words brother. She has continued to lie to you at every turn. This is just another attempt at keeping you as the safe insurance plan while she fullfills her fantasy with the OM.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself.

"How many times being lied to and deceived is enough?"

Beyond saying she wants to work things out, what has she done ever to prove this?


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
notwhoimarried
♂ New Member
Member # 28874
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know - this is just so incredibly hard. I wish I could move out but my attorney has told me that I shouldn't until the D is final. I want her to stay with my son in the house for the remainder of the school year. My attorney is afraid if I move out she has every incentive to delay the D to stay in the house longer.


Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
I won't get fooled again.

_________________________
Me: BH mid-40's
Her: WW early 40's
Married: 12 yrs
One son: Under 10
D-Day 1: October 2007
D-Day 2: May 2010


Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2010
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How sure are you that she is going to break your heart again?

You don't deserve to be tortured like this. Accept nothing but the best for yourself and your son.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
notwhoimarried
♂ New Member
Member # 28874
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's another week at this point. She needs to make me believe.


Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
I won't get fooled again.

_________________________
Me: BH mid-40's
Her: WW early 40's
Married: 12 yrs
One son: Under 10
D-Day 1: October 2007
D-Day 2: May 2010


Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2010
Mighty
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW knows its REAL freaking close to D..... She wont read or go to counseling and thinks that saying the empty words makes ďchangeĒ a reality.

Probably because you are accepting of her options through your inaction. Doesnít really matter whether you like it or not, because you are letting her do this without ending the relationship. By allowing it, you are making it ok in her playbook; like us, they donít listen to the words, they look at the actions. Your actions are accepting of the way she feeds you. No reason for her to change.

So, I did hit that point. Youíve got to figure yourself out and what exactly are your dealbreakers, and what are those things that should be, but for whatever reason arenít. Then keep working on yourself so you can form a firm stance and really mean it. There are going to be then those other things you arenít happy about, but arenít bad enough to leave over. For those, you just have to figure out appropriate ramifications. And get specific with yourself. Example: NC is a dealbreaker if she did it, hid it, and lies when caught. Not dealbreaker if she did it, felt guilty, and came and told me about it and why (not justification, but really why she did).. I donít expect perfection, just the ability to see bad choices, own them, and try to make them right.

Go batshit; you probably learned it from her. Itís ok, you earned it. If she crosses a firm boundary like NC then lying. Donít just yell. Start closing bank accounts, create new ones she canít access, set appointments with lawyers, go NC with your spouse, ask her to leave, etc. Remember, she is watching your actions. If you go fucking crazy for what she seeís as a minor breach, sheíll start rewriting her playbook. Sheíll have two options at this point: Let you continue to go down the D path, or win you back. If she decides to win you back, those conditions and rules are set by you and you alone.... For me, Iíd only take her back if she started true R.

It doesnít always work, she may just be in too deep or disrespect the marriage too much. One that also helps is try and be true to yourself and better yourself. As you look at yourself in third person, would you want to be married to you based on your actions in the marriage? If you are being a prick all the time to her, or a whiny little bitch, odds are sheíd be willing to let you go. So itís also important to start living how you want to live and being the man you want to be; DO NOT try to be the man she says she wants. You probably donít want to be this paranoid pissed off wreck... So stop being him or the doormat she wants. Take back control of your life and emotions. Stop reacting to your WW or laugh at her when sheís being a fool. Figure out why youíll accept the marriage how it is, and fucking shatter that illusion things are going to get better just because you want them too. Take actions. For me, I had to do this step of finding myself and my balls again first before getting real firm on my boundaries. I started loathing myself for accepting this in my life. So, I began to find myself again, get stronger, and detach myself from her nipple. I stopped being a victim and started rebuilding myself. I canít change her, but I sure as shit can change those things in me I hated.

She learned again to respect ME and not see me as that demon she wanted me to be so some hero could rescue her. Once she had that respect, the marriage took on more value and my willingness to leave it kept her in fear. Shattered is her idea that Iíd accept being her fallback. Eventually, I pretty much shattered her self-entitlement as it affected our marriage. Sheís now the wreck as sheís forced to look at her own actions and loathe them. She still hasnít found herself again.

My biggest struggle is now with myself. I have spent so much energy detaching that Iím no longer in love or really have any deep respect for her. I do enjoy being with her, I do want to spend more time with her.... but itís still just being able to enjoy the moments. I donít see future with her in it unless itís a vision of me still plugging away living each day as it comes. Iíve lost my path back, and quite frankly starting to wonder why Iíd really want to go any deeper with her. Itís like Iím comfortable with a foot out the door. Meh... Iím just giving it more time hoping things will sort out for me, but I do truly miss those deep feelings I used to have for her. Basically I acknowledge that at this time, I believe sheís doing the right thing because the alternate is losing me. I want to feel she does the right thing because thatís whatís natural for her to do, not because doing what she wants could end the marriage. Once that happens, maybe I can comfortably close the door and rejoin the marriage.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my question to you: given all of the above would any of you give her another chance if she swears tonight that she is 100% committed and knows what she wants?

No way!

Let's recap:
1. WW has affair
2. You both decide to R but she shows no remorse and makes little effort to fix things
3. You find out she lied and is still screwing around
4. MC is next
5. No trust so GPS devices are utilized
6. She gets caught again and lies some more
7. You file for D

What comes next?
8. She swears her total commitment to you
9. She figures out how to evade your GPS devices and goes deeper underground to cover her tracks
10. Somehow or other she gets caught lying and screwing around again. Claims she's still confused and needs more time
11. You file for D and go through with it unless she talks you out of it again

Sorry to be so pessimistic and that you and your son find yourselves in this terrible situation. Hope I'm wrong.

The only reason I didn't file for D after D-days #1 and #2 was because there wasn't one shred of evidence that she had continued with her infidelities. Plenty of suspicion but no evidence. Had I caught her again or had she claimed, "I'm so confused about my feelings for OM," or "I think I love him," that would have been it.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty is right about her not seeing any consequences for her actions, she judges you by your actions and youve allways backed down up till now, why would she think this time is any different?

Time to start doing something differently, follow through on your consequences. Id suggest that for the moment you continue with the process of the D... no need to rush it but file and keep it going, start seperating accounts, expenses etc...

Continue it untill she has demonstrated over an extended period of time that she really means it, judge her by her actions in this not her words.

Simply put you want to R but for the moment untill she proves that she really means it this time you have to assume that its all just so much wind like all the previous times.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
jollum
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Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My biggest struggle is now with myself. I have spent so much energy detaching that Iím no longer in love or really have any deep respect for her. I do enjoy being with her, I do want to spend more time with her.... but itís still just being able to enjoy the moments. I donít see future with her in it unless itís a vision of me still plugging away living each day as it comes. Iíve lost my path back, and quite frankly starting to wonder why Iíd really want to go any deeper with her. Itís like Iím comfortable with a foot out the door. Meh... Iím just giving it more time hoping things will sort out for me, but I do truly miss those deep feelings I used to have for her. Basically I acknowledge that at this time, I believe sheís doing the right thing because the alternate is losing me. I want to feel she does the right thing because thatís whatís natural for her to do, not because doing what she wants could end the marriage. Once that happens, maybe I can comfortably close the door and rejoin the marriage.

Wow, just wow. I am in this exact same place right now. I know she is really trying but I can't get excited about it or the future. I've pretty much given up even thinking in terms of the future and don't think past the end of the day. I am to the point where I feel good about myself but I just don't care about much after that. I can't even tell her if she gets everything right that I will stay. Maybe I've moved from the Plain to Limboland. Great!!! I hope the rides are better and the food is cheaper.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not Who I Married,

Your wife had been seeing another man who is married? If so, does his wife know?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
notwhoimarried
♂ New Member
Member # 28874
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Send some strength my way. I am going to need it.


Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
I won't get fooled again.

_________________________
Me: BH mid-40's
Her: WW early 40's
Married: 12 yrs
One son: Under 10
D-Day 1: October 2007
D-Day 2: May 2010


Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2010
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her she has to take a polygrapyh to stay married to you. If she refuses then you know she is not serious. If she says yes then you can get a lot of information that you may not want to hear. My x wife refused. She filed for divorce instead.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Mighty
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally hear you jollum. I feel good about myself, but my feelings toward her are continually slipping away no matter what she does. Now Iím just gonna ramble.... :)

She said something about her affairs thatís stuck with me. She said something along the lines of: ďI liked the way I perceived they looked at me and saw me. It was about my reflection through their eyes.Ē I really get that. I donít like the reflection I see in her eyes that much. So hard to explain.... Itís like the other night trick or treating. I started talking to another mom out with her kids. I saw the gleam in her eyes, the interest, and felt mutual sparks. We made each other feel on top of the world for that short time we chatted; Like we were worth it and interested in each other. I want that feeling with my wife. I had it, now itís gone... maybe for good.

With my wife... She fell in love with this total fucking loser. She was treated like shit and she knows it; He lied, cheated, and used her as a booty call almost the entire relationship once she let him in her pants. But she still saw this reflection of herís and kept going back for more. I donít like that reflection I see in there of myself. Itís conditional and there isnít a spark or pull to me like that to me. I feel like Iím a insurance policy to her. Thatís not what I want to see or how I perceive myself.

Iím afraid itís not limbo. Itís something different like recognition and a reluctance to be regulated to being something to keep her feeling secure and grounded. I demand so much more than that. Where are the sparks? What I do know is this is in my head. I need to change my perception of myself as I see that reflection. I just donít know how to do that when everything in the past points elsewhere and the current actions just seem to be based on fear. How can she prove what she does now isnít based on fear of losing me and whatever I represent to her?


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
glasvegas
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Member # 22639
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

notwhoimarried: She can have a second chance...after you have divorced. If she still loves you after you have divorced, and proves to be trustworthy by her actions, then sure you can give her another chance.

If you cave again, then she will just keep on going since there are no real consequences.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jan 2009
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty, can i ask, are you seeing an IC or someone to discuss this at all? If not it could be a good idea to at least try for a bit.

If you realise the core of this problem lies within you then well... you know who needs to change here.

Im not really a big one for IC myself, but if i recognise a problem and realise that im unable to resolve it myself then i will try and find someone womewhere that can lend me a hand to sort it out.

Assuming you want to


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty
My biggest struggle is now with myself. I have spent so much energy detaching that Iím no longer in love or really have any deep respect for her

This is my biggest fear that I will loose the feelings I have for her now & never get them back but then again living in limbo is not a life


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
jollum
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Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mighty,

You are beginning to scare me!!! My FWW has told me the exact same story and chose the exact same type of guy and acted the exact same way. Did we marry sisters??

Really though it just goes to show you how few variations there are in the playbook of lies that WS's tell themselves. It would be funny if it didn't hurt so much.

My feelings have been following the same pattern as yours with a slight exception. My FWW is in IC (we can't afford MC too). She chose to go herself. I had already detached enough that I didn't care whether she did or not. I was moving on and I believe she finally came to grips with that. I had told her a number of times but she just had to see that I was serious I guess. Anyways her IC is amazing! She comes home and tells me what they talk about and I swear her IC must be an SI member. She has told FWW the same identical things I've been telling her but of course "since she's a professional" (which really means anybody else but me) it is really beginning to sink in. When I came home the other night after her IC she had been crying doing an exercise the IC had given her, and she said to me "If you decide to stay married to me" followed by something else I don't remember. I was floored that she actually realized that it may not work out and didn't try to use the positive spin approach trying to convince me that it was going to last long term.

Then she told me how she really didn't see any way I could ever get over what she had done as she had finally looked at it realistically and realized how deep the damage is and how she would have felt. This just completely amazed me!

I must admit I have felt better about her and our chances at R because of this revelation. I don't want to get to excited as I have been down that road way to many times before but it is a ray of hope and it gives me a little hope, which is something I haven't felt in a long time.

This little glimmer of hope will keep me going a while longer and I don't even try to think past that. I'm just ridin' the top of the wave for a few days. My hope is that it gets better for you too.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found the following article in the 'Passive Aggressive Relationships' thread from 2007. I'm posting it because it hits the nail on the head in my situation, and was wondering if any of you had or are having similar experiences. The gender was changed so we could relate to it better.

THE BOOMERANG RELATIONSHIP
Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger
By Lynne Namka, Ed. D

One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through their passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.

The woman with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of her hidden hostility. She needs an adversary whose expectations and demands she can resist as she plays out the dance she learned from her parents. She chooses a man who will agree to be on the receiving end of her disowned anger. She resists him in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that he gets to express the anger that she cannot.

She often ignores reality as to her irresponsibility and withdrawal. She denies evidence, distorts, minimilizes or lies to make her version of reality seem logical.

She often gives double messages and expects her partner to read her mind and meet her needs saying ĎHe should have known how it is.' She withholds information and has a hidden agenda. She can't take criticism and makes excuses to get herself off the hook. She sulks and uses silence when confronted about her inability to live up to her promises, obligations or responsibilities. When she doesn't follow through, she puts the blame on her partner so she doesn't have to take it and accuses him of having the problem.

She is silent when confronted as she has never learned to compromise. She may be a workaholic, an adulterer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.

She may have multiple relationships with men as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship. She is confused about which man she wants and stays caught between the two or more men in her life not being able to commit fully to anyone. She is confused and can't understand why the men get so angry with her.

She feels others demand too much of her so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if she must give in to others. The woman who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. She desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner.

She can't be alone and live without a man in her life, but can't be with a partner emotionally. She's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because she fears it as her destruction. She resents feeling dependent on the man so must keep him off guard.

She makes her partner feel like a nothing through her neglect or irritability but she keeps him around because she needs him. Her script is ĎBe here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'

She has such strong fears of intimacy deep in her unconscious mind so she must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. She is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out her partner and changing the subject.

She must withhold part of herself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make her feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth her deepest fears of dependency upon a man.

The passive aggressive woman lives an internal loneliness; she wants to be with the man but stays confused whether he is the right partner for her or not. She is scared and insecure causing her to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit.

Due to the wounding from childhood, she is unable to trust that she is safe within the relationship. She fears revealing herself and can't share feelings. Her refusal to express feelings keeps her from experiencing her sense of insecurity and vulnerability.

She often denies feelings like love that might trap her into true connection with another human being. She feels rejected and hurt when things don't go her way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected.

She pushes people away first so she won't be rejected. She is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay. She often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive her.

She is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. She becomes a cave dweller to feel safe.

The woman with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting her partner to doubt himself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting her. She encourages him to fall for her apologies, accept her excuses and focus on her charm rather than deal with the issue directly. She blames him for creating the problem and keeps him focused on his anger rather than her own ineptitude.

When backed into a corner, she may explode and switch to aggressive behavior and then switch back to passivity. She keeps her partner held hostage by the hope that she will change. She may appease him and clean up her act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual.

The man living with a passive aggressive woman goes back and forth between three roles--the Rescuer, the Victim or the Manager. Living with the passive aggressive woman pushes the man into frustration and anger as a major dynamic in day-to-day conflict. When he cannot get his needs met, he becomes the Blamer and the Rager, which then makes the woman feel very insecure in the relationship. He is caught in his role as a martyr-victim, codependent rescuer or controlling manager as he does not know how to do anything different.

While it is difficult to be a partner of a woman who continually frustrates you with her passive aggressive behavior, there are some things than a man can do to break into her noninvolvement pattern. Remember YOU ARE NOT HER THERAPIST--DON'T TRY TO ANALYZE HER--JUST SET THINGS STRAIGHT WHEN THEY GO OFF TRACK, THEN DROP THE SUBJECT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

When she blames you for not trusting her or says she can't trust you, point out how she has betrayed your trust in the past. Tell her trust must be earned and you would like greater trust between the two of you.

If she flares up and blames you when you give information, ask her to look at her feeling put down when given information. Point out her pattern of needing to sulk and how that makes the problems worse. Tell her, ĎI feel the hostility in your walling yourself off. There is nothing we can't talk about. We can work this out if we keep it on the table. Let's talk.' Point out the positive benefits of feedback and criticism as something she can learn about herself. Be willing to receive feedback and criticism yourself.

Redefine the relationship as being open to hearing unpleasant things that will promote positive change. Together, learn ways to cope with the unpleasant feelings that being criticized brings up.

Challenge the silent treatment by saying ĎWhen you refuse to talk with me, I get upset. Both of us angry is poison for our relationship. When you don't talk to me, I make wild assumptions that further distance us. We are two intelligent people who can talk this out. What do we really want in our relationship--angry silence or problem solving?'

If she refuses, get help in understanding your own need to continue in an unhappy relationship. Take responsibility for your peace of mind. Get your own life.

If you are expending much time and energy in relationship damage repair then you need to face some hard questions. Honestly ask yourself, ĎAm I seeking intimacy from a woman who is incapable of closeness? Am I expecting cooperation and compromise from a woman who cannot give it? Is this marriage workable? Is she putting energy into behavior change or does he put his effort into avoiding his problems?'

If the above suggestions don't work and you are constantly upset and raging at her, take a good look at your need to live with conflict. If you have done all you can do to correct the situation with no avail and it is affecting your health, consider leaving. Or accept that things will not change and try live a happy life anyway.

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hah-mine is the queen of passive aggression, she even uses it on the poor kids daily.

yet another item to print & leave lying around to piss her off


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol jollum... we may have the same woman here. Funny because my wife is like yours; Once a ďprofessionalĒ told her what she needed to be doing, it was sound advice... when I said the same things, I was trying to control her... But that councilor is an idiot and was our 2nd MC before I quit. But, my wife is comfortable with her as the IC and is making changes.... I still let her know though that this is not helping me and the focus of these sessions doesnít appear to be addressing the issues around the ďwhyĒ of the affair at all. Glad you got a good one, because my WWís sucks. It just fits nicely into her ďavoid the affair topicĒ mentality and rug sweeping. Hence why I see the reflection that I do of myself in her eyes.... the affair fallout and healing is just avoided, but ever present. I heal alone while my wife works on the other marriage issues.

The passive/aggressive article is dead nuts on. Unfortunately, that was both of us in the relationship and something I worked on hard. For me it was about unvoiced expectations, and the resentment when they didnít happen... So Iíd lash out in other areas instead of ever saying why I was angry or voicing those expectations to start with. Weíre both tons better now about voicing our concerns (as long as itís not affair related)....

If itís affair related, I get the ďit makes me suicidal to talk about it and short answers.Ē Then never comes back to it; Yes, I enable that behavior and am still working through that toxic shame and guilt for ďputting her through thisĒ. I had hoped IC would help her talk about it without that deep depression. Again, maybe a bit more insight as to why I see the image I do in that reflections in her eyes. I have got most of the full story behind the LTA... but everything else is also a big question mark in my head.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
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